Author: Thea Lape

Recently someone asked me if I remembered what it was like to fall in love for the first time.  Those moments when you speak to that particular person and you can’t help but stare deeper and deeper into their eyes. Then all of a sudden, you snap out of it and look somewhere else quickly. It’s your way of saying ‘No, not yet. Too soon.’

Yup. Too familiar.

Growing up, I’ve always been told that my eyes say too much. The amount of times my mom has warned me not to stare because I was too obvious. My eyes revealed too much of my longing and my desire. My eyes deceived me. So I learned not to let people stare at me for too long. It was like expecting a glass house to conceal the rooms inside; everyone could see right through, even if they didn’t mean to.

“Our relationship with Christ is the same” – that’s what my friend wanted me to realize. Sometimes, when it’s with the right person, we can choose to let our defenses down and allow them to see what’s inside our heart.

So on Day 5 (Sunday) of my commitment-to-prayer journey, I decided to take my friend’s advice. I would let Christ see me, with my guards down. I went to mass with fellow MV/long time friend Erin Gonzalez. Instead of sitting at my usual spot at the very back of the church, I confidently walked us to the front of the altar: fourth pew of the middle aisle. It was uncomfortable, but I wanted God to know I was willingly making myself vulnerable.

And let me tell you, it paid off. The homily that the priest shared was a direct answer to all my questions.

Imagine that sky diving was the number one thing on your bucket list. You commit to the in-land trainings and finally you’re staring at the wide open sky. You’re about to jump. You’re all geared up. But you want to be sure once more. So you turn to your flight instructor and ask him, “Hey is my pack secure? You sure this thing is safe?” The instructor turns to you and says, “Ummmmm…I’m not sure. I think so. Yeah, must be.” Would you still jump?

Now imagine the same exact scenario but this time the flight instructor also happens to be your best friend. You turn to him and ask, “Hey is my pack secure?”. Your friend grabs both of your shoulders, stares at you in the eyes and says, “Yes it’s secure. I can guarantee that because I prepared it myself. I bet my life on it. It’s safe. I promise you.”

I was sitting so close to the pulpit that the priest’s voice was extra loud. This was Christ saying, “Trust me. Let me in.”

That was enough to break me.
As consecration happened, I remembered the second part of my conversation with that friend:

“Sometimes we have to allow ourselves to keep staring. Why? Because love happens. In that moment intimacy is established and deepened. How? Because we allow ourselves to reach new levels of vulnerability with the other person. We let the other person stare back. Don’t look away. Don’t even think. Don’t let your mind wander.”

So I stared. And I’m happy I did.  From my POV, when the priest held up the host, it aligned perfectly with where Jesus’ heart would be on the gigantic cross behind the altar. I kept my gaze fixed on Him and didn’t stop looking even when I wanted to. And love did happen.

It hit me so suddenly and quickly that I lost control of my emotions. MY heart got caught in my throat and I was fighting back every urge to cry.  I knew that He affirmed an unsaid prayer in my heart about NALS. I didn’t vocally admit it at my adoration visits or state it during my rosary rounds. I didn’t have to. He just knew. I asked him WHY, and this is what He said:

“Because I love you. Because this is what I want for you. Because I didn’t want you to just learn about hope. Or feel hope. I need you to BE my hope for others to see. And you can only do that if you go there. Not for you, but for me.”

As if on cue, the music to Song of a Servant played….

“You are precious. You are Divine. You are mine. I die everyday to remind you of that very fact. I would take this cross over and over and over again just to make you understand that. You are worth every drop of blood that bleeds out of my Most Sacred Heart. So jump, my love. I prepared this personally for you. All that’s left for you to do is just jump.”

Nothing but tears. As strong and free flowing as the Niagara falls.

I walked straight to adoration right after that mass, and kneeled right in front of the monstrance. He met me there again. Still no words. Just a longing stare that revealed all of me.

And it was then that I noticed that at the base of the monstrance was a repeating imprint of ‘M’ interlocked with the cross, otherwise known as Mary’s miraculous medal.

“You never had to ask me for NALS because Mom requested it on your behalf. She sees it all and brings it to me. She found it even when you tried to hide it. You stood with her by the cross. You both looked at me, and it was there that I knew you loved me too. I’m glad you finally figured it out. Mother Mary is the key, because she will ALWAYS lead you to me.”

John, behold your mother. Mother, behold your son.- John 19: 26-27

In the same way, the Lord continues to affirm me that my discernment for Full Time Pastoral Work is where I can best reveal His greater glory to others. All these years without even asking for it specifically, He already knew  that this is where I could jump freely and be saved so that I could Be and Bring Christ wherever else I decide to go.

On October 1st I made one of the best decisions in my life. I promised that I would commit myself to a deeper prayer life. I might be a Mission Volunteer for almost a year and I may have clocked in twelve years in CFC-Youth, but I can honestly admit (now) that my relationship with God was quite shallow. It was like a string of dates that never quite evolved. It was like getting to know someone over and over and over again. Like sitting at a coffee shop everyday beside the same person for 2 years but never getting past the how-are-yous and how’s-the-weather-todays.

October first was the perfect time to start! Not only was it my patron Saint’s Feast day (St. Therese of Lisieux, holla!) it was also the beginning of the month of the Holy Rosary. Some part of me was crying for a new beginning of sorts.

What I discovered after seven days was astounding.

EVERY SINGLE DAY I received a gift. Literal gifts. Tangible gifts.
Seven days, seven dates with the Lord “chaperoned” by Mama Mary, seven affirmations.

The Seventh day, October 7, was also the feast day of Our Lady of the Holy Rosary. She was the one being celebrated, yet I was the one who was given a reason to celebrate.

I’ve been unemployed for just over two months now with a bank balance of literally $0. My monthly pre-authorized payments for Student Loans slowly ate up whatever I had saved. But guess what? In less than 36h I will be on a plane to Vancouver, BC to attend and serve at the North American Leaders’ Summit. How? Because of a choice I made to have a sincere and genuine commitment to prayer. With the intercession of Our Lady, guidance from St. Therese, and motivation from St. Rita (patronness of impossible cases x the rosary I prayed with) I will be going with a fellow leader from my Sector.

The best part about this isn’t my trip to Vancouver. The most significant take away from this is my renewed prayer life. God spoke straight to my heart in the ways that He knew would make me speechless, in ways that He knew I couldn’t argue or reason my way out of.

St. Therese of Lisieux once said that for her, “prayer is a surge of the heart; it is a simple look toward heaven, it is a cry of recognition and of love, embracing both trial and joy.”

I understand what that means now. It is complete and utter submission to Christ. It’s bearing our whole self to Him and never breaking that look or stare at Him on the cross- it’s sharing in His crucifixion AND His resurrection. It’s giving Him permission to enter the walls of our hearts without restraint or fear.

Prayer is coming out of our hiding places; it’s stepping out of the crowd of onlookers during the walk towards Calvary and being Simon for that brief moment. It’s looking at Him in the eye and committing to take the weight for five steps, ten steps, fifteen steps. It’s letting him embrace your soul, especially the darkest parts, the broken parts, the hidden parts.

Most especially it’s allowing Christ to tell you, “I love you. You are worth this much. I am proud of you” without interruption. Prayer is choosing to let Christ save you.

—-

HEART OF JESUS, I adore Thee.
HEART OF MARY, I implore thee.
HEART OF JOSEPH, meek and just,
In these three Hearts I place my trust.
Amen.
– Act of Confidence.

Emotions are like roller coasters. They fluctuate so much. The highs, lows, loops, and topsy turvy turns are endless! I have a fear of heights, but since I’m crazy I’ll go on this ride anyway. In fact it’s the first one I go on whenever I go to Canada’s Wonderland. Not just once, but twice, three times, four times….I go, because I know that it’s worth conquering my fears for. I know that after 3mins, 10 secs I’ll be standing back up. I’ll be ready to do more.

Life is a roller coaster. Sometimes you’re up and sometimes you’re down. Sometimes the view from the top is so breathtakingly beautiful and sometimes you’re so scared that you just close your eyes ignoring the view. Sometimes at your lowest, you can’t see the peak and you just feel as if you’re never going to get there so you hold your breath. And sometimes you can’t help but anticipate the fall after the high…then you just end up torturting yourself. So much for enjoying the ride.

But God is so good to me that despite my nature to worry and have an extra anxious heart, He still finds a way to provide me “bubble wraps” of hope & love. Small as they may be, but as a whole it protects that which is sacred & important- his beautiful promise. I can’t get over how creatively he speaks to my heart. He knows how much I delight over the tiniest details and the smallest fractions of “fact”. This past Friday was so full of Easter Eggs; tiny puzzle pieces revealed that lead me closer to the bigger picture.

I may not know where the ups and downs are specifically placed in my life, but I do know that at the end of this ride awaits the Father. I imagine him saying to me, “Congratulations! You survived! You know, I designed this just for you. I hope you didn’t close your eyes too much along the way, because the view from the top is out of this world! I put all your favourite things there, making sure each sight was worth beholding and pondering. I wanted it to be worth conquering each one of your fears. Come join me, now you have the rest of heaven to treat as your playground.”

Deo Gloria.

I was cleaning my room a few days ago and came across a box. I opened it and it felt like a time capsule exploded on me because I found all my old CFC-Youth (just referred to as YFC back then) camp, pre-con, conference and leadership retreat tags. So many memories of my early youth days!

I was lucky enough to find some old pictures too which caused me to reminisce even more. In the middle of my time traveling, it suddenly hit me- the Lord has been leaving clues of His greater plan for me in the details. Since the very start which was on a warm summer night in August….

First CAMP | A New Beginning
Camp Edgewood x August 29, 2001. Half these people are either married and/or parents. Some of them have even signed up to be CFCs. Spot Jose/Krissy Buenavides! Jose was the Team Servant for my camp, and now the couple is serving as the Couple Coords for HSB GTA.

First CONFERENCE | A Time to Build
North American Conf x YFC/SFC (2002)
“And I say build up, build up, prepare the way! Remove every obstacle from my people’s way” -Isaiah 57:14. The theme was all about being in build mode for the new generation of believers who would be bolder and more radical in doing God’s work in N.A. and the rest of the world.  They spoke about the beauty of this community, the ugliness of society and the reality of God’s promise.

First Pre-Conference | Testify
“I have been crucified with Christ; yet I live. No longer I, but Christ lives in me.”- Galatians 2:20

First Regional Leaders Conference | Driven
The conference focused on being “driven, above & beyond the call”. 

Camp Season | Believe
“But these are written that you may (come to) believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that through this belief you may have life in His name.“- John 20:31. I was taken out of Community Based as a household head and moved to High School Based as President for St. Aloysius Gonzaga. There were no manuals to go off of, and we kept having to re-introduce the club to the school because the chaplains kept changing. My counterparts also kept changing. I was frustrated, but stayed obedient to the call. Being team servant allowed me to meet so many people and create intimate relationships with each one of them. It revived my spirit to keep serving for HSB.

Camp Season | Freedom
“Freedom is what we have- Christ has set us free! Stand, then, as free people, and do not allow yourselves to be slaves again.”- Galatians 5:1. How many people in this community can say that they shared team leader responsibilities with their sibling? I lead the camp with my younger brother John (Missions, Windsor). I was back in Community based and felt so out of place. HSB was its own world at that time and there was little transparency. We incorporated my older methods with John’s new era ways. We took the best that our generations had to offer and combined. All I remember is a lot of crying. And breaking down in the service team room.

—-insert “break” from service life here x empty spaces—-

First International Leaders Conference | Almighty
“My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord; my spirit rejoices in God my saviour.”- Luke 1:46. Six thousand youth, one venue.  And here I was, just coming out of a 3.5yr hiatus. I was bitter and restless. But sure, I’d give this God  thing ‘one more try’. That’s all He needed to move mountains in my life.

First Regional Youth Conference | Kusugbo: XD
“I speak the truth in Christ, I do not lie; my conscience joins with the Holy Spirit in bearing me witness.”- Romans 9:17. I was one of three who spoke for Session 1: Extreme Favour. Again, no idea what I was doing. “I will sing praise to you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all the wonderful things you have done.”- Psalm 9:1. Was I the appropriate person for this? Everyone else seemed to think so. It hit me, God didn’t want me to just find his love, he wanted me to live his love.

————————–

A twelve year love letter… and the rest is still being written. Each one of these firsts feels like the beginning of a paragraph. However, there were so many times that I was caught up in phrases, and so fixated and deluded in the tiniest fragments of the sentence that I failed to see the main context- that God has a plan for me so I can prosper and find hope (Jeremiah 29:11). We are not meant to see these events separately, rather as parts to a whole.

Note to self: Each memory is dipped in grace, each new service opportunity is an exclamation of His grand love.

Regardless of how far away I strayed in between the journey, absolutely nothing could keep God’s promise away from me. His faithfulness is unmatched. I need to reflect on my past and see how God was present there, so that I can have a better understanding of where He is taking me. You can’t know where you’re going if you don’t know where you started. He has never stopped pursuing me, never stopped loving me, and all I have to do is stop, take a breath and know that all this can be found in the details of his beautiful love letter for me.

I can never be still. Being still to me is as unnatural as breathing under water. I just can’t do it without much struggle. Being unemployed for the past 3-4 weeks now has driven me completely insane. I thrived when I had a routine, some sort of schedule to follow.

My body has clued in to my open schedule and is claiming post-university sleep coupons. I get more than the usual 8hrs of sleep and as relaxing as this should be, I find myself more restless and agitated than usual. The uncertainty of where my future lies scares me so much. I keep thinking about where I’m going, in what direction I’m heading to, and how I’m getting there. My heart has been all over the place and I’ve been desperate for some sort of comfort.

At 4am yesterday (or this morning, rather) I ended up eating everything in sight. I ate Seaweed Pringles. I had three generous servings of Pistachio Ice cream and four big bites of double chocolate chip brownies.

Still nothing. My heart was still restless.

Then I came across my Words of Comfort for Everyday Book. Luckily I found it just before attending mass. I knelt down before the Lord, and this was the message:

God knows how to take care of us, but half the time we don’t let him. Our pride gets in the way and we don’t ask the one thing we should every time our anxieties or worries kick in, “Father, help me help myself.”  I can just picture God waiting patiently for a child talking to herself, making sense of the picture she just drew. “I want to draw this, but I just can’t!!!”

Oh the frustration.
But that’s what He does.
He just waits for us to get tired, and finally sit still.
White flags raised.

And I guess I didn’t completely raise my white flag until fifteen minutes ago. A line ran through my head, and my fingers flipped and skimmed through my bible until I found this:

Okay God, you win.
Thanks for the comfort food.

What is your desire? Is that what you really want? Will you work for what you want? How badly do you want it? What are you willing to give up for it?

 About a month ago, fellow MV Kris Gardiner asked a very important question during a road trip to Montreal. While filling up at a sketchy gas station in the middle of nowhere, he asked Ellen, Nica and I  “Do you think that our prayers change God’s mind? Do his blessings change when we pray?“. I took his words and pondered. Hmmm. Does it? Then one of my favourite bible verses came to mind:

The Lord showed me a garden. Then I saw a younger version of myself sitting next to what seemed like a mound of dirt. My head hung over that mound and I just stood still. There was this cup of water next to me and I would pour small drops on the mound. Time seemed to pass, and mini me eventually grew up, but the mound of dirt still remained the same. Then all of a sudden, God went to a different part of that garden and planted a different seed. The girl never noticed Him doing it. She was too focused on the dirt pile, waiting endlessly that she didn’t even notice a tree starting to grow out of the ground where God planted the seed.

I was brought back to reality and suddenly everything made sense. All these years of serving Him, I understood that bible verse incorrectly. I thought that if I “collected” enough service hours God would suddenly let that seed gain life and sprout into what I wanted it to be. I thought that if I saved enough points through prayers, novenas and mass attendances, I would finally be worthy of my dream plant. “It’ll eventually grow”, I told myself unconsciously, “because God just wants to see how patient I am!”. I lived my life thinking the answer to Kris’ questions was a big resounding YES.

When in fact….

Delighting ourselves in the Lord means uniting our hearts with His. So much that His desires become our own. Prayers don’t change God’s mind and the blessings he gives us. He doesn’t withhold anything from us because He is a God that loves us unconditionally! What does change is our posture towards that which we seek. Ultimately, if we are completely filled with Christ, then our only desire becomes Christ.

Now I realize why the seed I planted didn’t grow. Looming and standing over it blocked the sunlight, or in this case God’s light. I had to walk away and let go so that it would receive what it needed. Now I stand under the shade of the tree which grew from the seed that the Lord planted in that same garden. A tree full of life, bears good fruit. How fortunate that the Lord would have me stand so close to it to enjoy such blessings.

Once again, I am affirmed of my call to mission- to harvest that which the Lord has scattered and sown! He tells us that “the harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few” (Luke 10:2) and how convenient for me to come across this just recently:

From the Greek word “therizein” which translates to “harvester”. God really knows how to silence the doubts in my heart. Lord, thank you for LITERALLY calling me by name. May I learn to align my desires with yours and may my heart beat for that which your most Sacred Heart lives for. Amen.

“From there you will seek the LORD your God, and you will find Him
if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul.”
(Deuteronomy 4:29)

What is a mentor? A MENTOR is someone who teaches or gives help and advice to a less experienced and often younger person. It can also be defined as a wise and trusted counselor. MENTORship then is a process in which this “someone” offers their help and advice to another. Going beyond this, MENTORing should then be more than just answering occasional questions or providing ad hoc help. It is about an ongoing relationship of learning, dialogue, and challenge.

I am where I am thanks to a mentor by the name of Shayne Funcion. Ate Shayne is a full-time worker who was first assigned to Cebu but has recently been transferred to the heart of the Philippines Mission- Manila. She is balancing three service roles at the moment; YCOM Phils. Head, Pastoral Formation (PFO), and a Sector Youth Head. To call her a powerhouse would not give her any justice. We met in person on Sunday,  March 4, 2012 and that was when my journey back to Christ and into mission life began.

We’ve both talked about first impressions and have shared more than a few laughs. I was a much different person back then- trust me, eighteen months is more than enough for a person to turn their life around. She was extremely patient and loving despite who and how I was. She was persistent with my attendance at CFC-Youth events and really invested a lot of time in our blossoming friendship. She never failed to affirm me and support me. She believed in me more than I believed in myself. She trusted me enough to expose me to service life despite being inactive for three years! She made me share at a monthly worship assembly, give a talk at a Provincial Youth Conference with 2000 participants, participate at their Area Core SHOUT and speak at a Covenant Orientation for a mission area hours away from Cebu. She really did put me to work! God wasn’t just a teaching, God was the experience.

Because of her I gave CFC-Youth a second chance. Because of her I took off the temporary bandaids for my emotional and spiritual hurts.  Because of her I realized my true worth as a daughter and woman of God.

Now, as I serve as a Sector Head for GTA West I realize that at the end of the day my greatest task and responsibility is to love- to love without borders, to love without expectation, to love creatively, to love unceasingly, to love willingly. If our mission as CFC-Youth is to be and bring Christ wherever we are, then we are to be love and bring love to every place and person we meet. That’s all Ate Shayne did. She simply loved me. Loved me despite my past and told me to focus on the present. She looked beyond the character I was pretending to be and simply waited for me to unveil who I was. Her love brought about acceptance and trust. She told me that nothing about my past would make her feel any differently about me. She only asked for one thing in return, and that was to simply be open to God. That’s it. The only expectation she had from our friendship.

Wow.

It only takes one person to change someone’s life. One person to make somebody realize that they were made for more. One person to make somebody understand that there is a God whose mercy and grace is beyond any of their failures, faults and shortcomings. It was because of one person that I began to seriously consider and discern for full-time pastoral work. It is also because of one (other) person that I never forgot that same love, acceptance and trust even after moving back to this side of the world- my MV mentor and friend, Ellen Maigue-Talagca.

A blessing is not a blessing until it’s shared. So I am sharing the gift of new life by sharing with them the love that was given to me. Love is a decision, not a feeling therefore I am choosing every day for the rest of my life to love the people the Lord has entrusted to me. I will love my household. I will love my members. I will love my leaders. I will love my Couple Coordinators. I will love myself.

To all the Ate Shaynes and Ellens in this world and to the Ate Shayne/Ellen of your lives, Thank You. Thank you for seeing the God in me and the God in us. Thank you for showing this world what accountability is. Thank you for showing us true mentorship. Thank you for being a manifestation of God’s mercy and grace. Thank you for all your prayers.

Love breeds forgiveness. Love breeds acceptance. Love breeds healing. Love breeds life.