Author: Thea Lape

It has been such a joy to be a household head. I never thought I would ever say that since not too long ago, I thought I was done with this “YFC thing”. I was so scared to take the  role because how was I going to bring others to Christ if I myself was still trying to figure out who He was?  First of all what did a household head even do? Second of all how could I be one if I couldn’t even remember any of my previous ones?

I didn’t have any positive memories from my membership days. I couldn’t recall a single time where I felt like someone genuinely cared about my faith journey. No one ever saw beyond my “dancing” and that’s all I was ever used for. I never bloomed because I never knew I had much to offer the world, the people around me, or the community.

FFwd to a couple years later and I knew I just couldn’t be complacent with my own faith anymore, not when I was responsible for 5-6 other souls. So I did everything I could to paint myself a better picture. Every prayer uttered before the Eucharist, every petition lifted up at adoration, every love letter my heart bled out onto the pages of my journal, every hide and seek game with my bible brought me that much closer to Him. 

At first all of these things felt tedious; it was very easy for me to be discouraged and tired. I had to always remind myself that God was giving me a second chance to right all my wrongs. It was important for me to learn to develop my own prayer habits, and that of course meant throwing away some old ones. After all, virtues can only blossom from the ashes of our vices.

My bad experiences have moulded me into the kind of household head I am now. I look at all the things my previous heads didn’t do and I do it. I look at all the things I wish happened and I make it happen. Most of all, I have learned that it’s easier to lead with honesty. I have never hid nor do I hide anything from my household members. I’m transparent. They know I’m not perfect and they know that I don’t expect them to be either. Each person has a specific anointing, so who was I to make judgements?

If we don’t learn to see our members the way that Christ sees them, then we may never understand that they are a personal blessing and gift to us. If we don’t take the time to deepen our relationship with God then we can never genuinely love the ones He has called us to pastor. We love because he loved us first (1 John 4:19).

“We do not draw people to Christ by loudly discrediting what they believe, by telling them how wrong they are and how right we are, but by showing them a light that is so lovely that they want with all their hearts to know the source of it.”- Madeleine L’Engle

Being a household head once felt like some sort of burden, but with God’s guidance and affirmation it has slowly unveiled itself as one of the most beautifully intricate answered prayers He’s ever given me. I’ve said it before, He really is the master of happiness- He fulfills as many of our heart’s desires and the desires of those around us in one given moment! He is the wellspring of life, thus a life lived for His glory brings about the fullness of life in and around us.

I would not dare change where I am now, because I know now more than ever that this is where I am called to be.

Since I work at a public school, walking around all day with an #ashtag meant that a lot of people, including my students, thought that I had paint/marker/dirt on my forehead.  The beady eyed squints, the eyebrow raising, the awkward finger-on-forehead gesture…I received them all.

I could have bypassed that by simply attending the mass at night with the rest of my family at our local parish. However I chose to go at noon to a parish 20 minutes away because:
1.) I had an appointment at night right after work
2.) I had to go to confession and that church was the only one with a flexi sched

After walking out of the church, my heart was racing. How was I going to explain this? How could I make this look more inconspicuous? I’ve never had to worry about this before because I was always at a Catholic school. During my University days so many other Catholic friends had gone with me that I wasn’t just the only one. After all the cathedral was a mere 10 minutes away. Why, after twenty-four years was this a big deal all of a sudden? Maybe it was my fear of having to defend the faith, my faith in a building full of people with different religious affiliations or none at all. In the time I’ve been there, some have been quite loud about their own beliefs and have been vocal about the way they feel about this so called “God”.

So…what now?

The funny thing is, the person who made that appointment with me ended up cancelling just before we were supposed to meet. I also didn’t end up going to confession because the priest cut it off to celebrate mass. Did I really have to go to that parish at noon? Could I have just gone at night?

I caught myself halfway through my monologue and realized was this what a future missionary should be worrying about? Hah.

Who cares if I’m 1 out of 800 people with a cross on my forehead? Was my love for God limited based on my surroundings? Was my love for Him this shallow? Why should I be scared or embarrassed to have the ashes on my forehead? This was a sign of the greatest love ever known to man, ever revealed to me! Now I get to openly share it.

THIS was true evangelization. THIS was going out into the deep waters of the unknown. THIS was God asking me to be His.
—–

We hear it all the time at lent:  die to yourself everyday through personal sacrifice. But in that call we are also asked to live fully through His sanctifying grace so that His face is ours, His hands and feet are ours, His heart is ours.

How else will the world see Christ if not for the way we live our lives?

So I will hold my head up high every time I park my car with the Couples for Christ decal. I will gladly leave on my rosary hanging off my rearview mirror. I will not hide my rosary bracelet, or the medals on my necklace.

But at the end of the day I also know that I don’t need any of those things to declare my religion, rather it will be in the way I carry myself that will say to this community:

I am a young Catholic woman actively living out the Gospel of a God who I love with all my heart. 

God has a reason for putting me in that public school, and I just continue to pray that I never hide my identity so as to fit in when I know very well that God’s plan for me has always been to stand out.

God, it’s funny how you’re always calling me out of my comfort zone. It’s scary and half the time I can’t enjoy the blessing you’ve called me for because I’m too worried making:
a) plans
b) backups
c) an exit strategy.

Allow me to be open to your Spirit and its leading. To go where my trust is without borders.  To walk upon the waters or wherever you will call me… –cue music–

I shouldn’t even worry, but I still do because of my human self. Embrace me at this time of challenge and change, so that I can be secure in the knowledge that you are a God of order, the Author of time, Your presence a claimed victory.

Whatever happens you will always be there to help me get back on track.
Whatever happens you will never leave me side.
Whatever happens your promises   still remain.

And so, as the keeper of my heart I have nothing to fear.
Your love is sufficient and it follows me wherever I go, whatever I choose.
Because at the end of each and every single day You claim me as Yours.

Amen.

NTS: My daughter do not forget my words. You are Precious. Divine. Mine.

 

“…but he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.’ So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.” 2Cor12:9

God has really been challenging me to step out of my self-made boundaries.  As someone who is  melancholic, I tend to focus on the cruelty and tragedy in the world. Before I can thoroughly enjoy something, anything, I have to process the pros and cons in my head. I am a worrier. I am reserved and pessimistic. It’s how I’ve always been. If I can’t explain my happiness, then I should suppress it and hide it until something reasonable comes up.

I imagine God looking down at me, shaking His head with a half smile of sorts. You silly girl, stop overthinking. He’s bombarded me with an insane amount of surprises and blessings that have been catching me off guard. The ways He’s pursued my heart have been so intimate and personal recently that I just can’t help but be transformed from the inside out.  It’s as if the Lord has been taking down twenty five years worth of my desires and dreams so that He could start to tangibly offer them to me now. At this very moment. There has been no time or space for me to think: Wait, we have to assess this and that, then this again….then maybe you can start to feel insert-reasonable-emotion-here. 

Hah.

Everything that’s happened has been too beautifully orchestrated that only He could be the one behind it. He’s telling me to stop asking Why and not to even bother with the how. Regardless of whatever question I ask, the answer is the same…I love You. 

“Come then, my love;
My darling, come with me.
The winter is over; the rains have stopped;
in the countryside the flowers are in bloom.
This is the time for singing;
the song of doves is heard in the fields.
Figs are beginning to ripen;
the air is fragrant with blossoming vines.
Come then, my love;
my darling, come with me.
You are like a dove that hides in the crevice of a rock.
Let me see your lovely face and hear your enchanting voice.”
– Song of Songs 2:10-14

I know He’s trying to teach me how to trust him. I know He’s telling me I deserve to be happy. I know he doesn’t want me to go through life calculating every single step. If I firmly believe that he has a plan for me and that he is the author of life, then I have nothing to worry about. This story has a guaranteed ending, a guaranteed victory.

So thank you Lord, for the perpetual valentines treatment. Thank you for tugging my heart strings, for making every cell in my body sing out of love. Thank you for melting the ice in my heart and for setting my soul ablaze with your fire. My heart is extremely happy and superbly healthy.

I pray that my life will continue to be a beacon of hope to those who search for you, thirst for you, hunger for you. May the love I feel within me continue to bless others in the mission and bless those close to me. A love that is rooted in you is good, is true and most of all is life giving.

Come then, my love; my darling, come with me.

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.- Psalms 37:4

I can’t recall how many times I’ve heard the creation story. If you were raised in a Catholic home and went to a Catholic school, chances are the story of Adam and Eve has been drilled into your head time and time again. It goes like this:

God created a bunch of stuff> then man> he was lonely so +Eve> good times all around> then Eve ate apple> gave apple to Adam> original sin> everyone suffers forever and ever and ever after #inanutshell

—
But little do we know, there’s so much more depth to the story than meets the eye. Many will argue the validity of Genesis and never get past their own understanding. Because of this, most of us miss that which matters most- the why rather than the how.

“When the Lord God placed the man in the Garden of Eden to cultivate it and guard it. He told him, ‘You may eat the fruit of any tree in the garden, except the tree that gives knowledge of what is good and what is bad. You must not eat the fruit of that tree; if you do, you will die the same day.’” – Genesis 3:15-17

THEN…

“The woman saw how beautiful the tree was and how good its fruit would be to eat, and she thought how wonderful it would be to become wise. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, and he also ate it. As soon as they had eaten it, they were given understanding ad realized that they were naked…” – Genesis 3: 6-7

What exactly went wrong? If God is all-powerful and all-knowing why would he even create that tree in the first place? Didn’t he already know that Adam and Eve were going to disobey him? Why didn’t he just hide that tree?

Because God wanted man to have free will, to choose freely out of obedience not obligation.
….or else we’d be robots.

When Eve chose to fall into temptation she did two things:

• she believed the serpent’s lies; God was holding back the best from them
• she failed to trust in His goodness.

When we fall into our own temptations and sins, we adapt that same mentality: “God doesn’t really have a plan for us so I’ll just make my own!” or “God hasn’t really provided so I’ll just choose to settle for something else right now”. Sin doesn’t necessarily mean we’re choosing the bad rather it is the conscious decision to choose a lesser good than God.

Our intellect is darkened and compromised. Our will is weakened.
————–

The death that God spoke about in the beginning is not so much a physical death as it is mental, emotional, and spiritual.

Getting caught in the act of something (bad) is not called punishment.
….that’s called MERCY.

The punishment is the pleasure we experience from the act itself. Sin turns into habit and habit into addiction. What seems and feels like freedom is actually slavery. The more we indulge in the sin, the more we’re inclined to do it over and over again. Because the truth is, you can never have enough of what you don’t need.

Maybe you’ve fallen so hard that you’re spiralling down and the only way to get out of it is a huge reality check across the face. That was the case with me. God had to shake my life up in order for me to finally REALIZE that I needed Him. Only Him. In fact, God still continues to shake things up because He knows that I’m capable of more. I’m made for more.

Mercy is God shining light into our life and the decisions we’re making. Mercy is God teaching us a lesson so that we can learn to seek out true happiness and freedom. Mercy is  God asking us to reconsider specific parts of our lives that need to be visited. Mercy is God giving us a wake up call because He wants us back through repentance, faith and healing.

Mercy is Christ saying, “My promise still stands. My covenant is unconditional. And although you chose the lesser good, you are still good enough for me.”

He’ll love us forever. He’ll like us for always, as long as He’s living His children we’ll be.

I could not and can not recall the amount of times I’ve asked the Lord about my validity not just as a leader but as a human being when I have nothing but brokenness. I’ve always struggled with comparing myself to others  ever since I was younger. I always felt different from everyone ever since I was a little girl, and having moved around a lot in my childhood that thought became part of my reality and my mentality. Everyone else was always moving in one similar/general direction, and I the opposite way. It felt like the Lord was always putting me through more struggles and challenges  and since I was on the journey “alone”, I ended up having to come up with coping strategies. Nobody else was there to help me get by.

It’s been the source of my tension and anxiety for a long time- the fear of being left behind, and being left alone. Broken. Battered. Shattered.

Then the past weekend, co-missionary K.M. shared about this Japanese art form, kintsugi.

I sat in my chair, trying to process this. How could someone want something simply for the fact that it was broken? How could someone say that they preferred damage over perfection? Or that damage was perfection?

God always works with irony.

I believe that the Lord simply wants me to learn to just love myself, especially the parts of me that are broken because that is where His blessings are poured out and most abundant. He called me knowing full well who I was. Still his love remains.

I was made different because there is a purpose specific to me.
I am made different because there is a calling designed just for me.

‘Sometimes the only way the good Lord can get into some hearts is to break them.’- Fulton Sheen

His plans are greater than mine. His ways are better than my ways. All I need to do is to give myself entirely to Him so that I can be bound together with His love and mercy, a signature of His divine grace.

“Once you have surrendered yourself, you make yourself receptive. In receiving from God, you are perfected and completed.”
― Fulton J. Sheen, Seven Words of Jesus and Mary: Lessons from Cana and Calvary