Author: Thea Lape

Feel like my love life is finished
I’ve been avoiding commitment
That’s why I’m in this position
I’m scared to let somebody in on this
No new friends, no no no
You know how this stuff go
You got your fair share of admirers that call your phone
You try to act like it’s just me, but I am not alone….

My friends and colleagues probably see me as someone in extreme anticipation- someone who just can’t wait to be part of a relationship. In some way, that’s true. And in more ways, it’s not.  Because of “x,y,z” reasons, the idea of being irrevocably committed to one person for long periods of time scares me.

I am deathly scared of commitment.
Truth.

It’s the reason why I tend to flee from friendships that I feel are getting too intimate. I just can’t do it. It’s easier for me to handle my relationships with girls than guys, but the fact still remains: I’m uncomfortable with the uncertainty of whether or not a person will stay in my life when they find out the real(er) parts of me. That’s why I gladly take on the stereotypes that people have placed on me.

I find it easier to act under a predetermined role.
It’s what I’ve been doing for a long time.
It’s much much safer for me to add layers than to subtract.

My relationship with Christ works in the same way; I’m scared of the relationship that we share….this whole getting to know him more and more. Having to willingly own up to the person I know I am, to unveil myself. I have never felt so intimate with the Lord the way I have in the last year. For someone who almost completely gave up on Catholicism, I’ve had to work really hard on sustaining and building up my prayer time and routines (i.e Tuesdates exclusively for Trinity Runs). But that’s where I find I’m fighting myself:  I want to dive deeper into this relationship, but how can I when I know I can’t swim well?

“I even believe that the deeper one is drawn into God, the more one must ‘go out of oneself’; that is, one must go to the world in order to carry the divine life into it.” – Imitation of Mary

Despite being a commitment-phobe, the Lord still finds ways to enter in. Not in ways that are like that of a thief who barges in unwelcomed. Rather, the Lord simply knocks at the doors of my heart- and waits. He does not get impatient with me. Even if I open it halfway then close it back, He’ll try again (cue Aaliyah: dust yourself off and try again~). He accepts whatever I give Him, and never complains. He greets me with a smile and an outstretched hand. Always.

In time, the Lord will help me overcome my insecurities and my anxieties. I’ve realized that it’s exactly why I am where I am as the GTA West Sector Head.  Scared of committing to one person? No problem I’m going to give you and trust you with 250+ souls. Most don’t know me, and I barely know every one of them..but somehow with God’s grace I’m able to constantly give more and more and more of myself. Not out of obligation, but out of love.

What lay outside my plans for myself, lay within God’s plan for me.- St. Edith Stein

Thank you Lord. Simply for loving me in the way that I need to be loved. And for giving me the opportunity to go beyond the borders of my heart. I know this is to prepare me for what lies ahead in the future.

“Help me to remember what is really important: that I am Your child, You are my Father. You love me for who I am and how I live. Not what I look like or what I own. Let me praise You who sees into my heart, who is always with me and who eases my suffering.” (St. Rose of Lima)

We strongly cultivate the “M.R.” mentality in this community. To love God means to be mission ready. To love God means to willingly and consciously carry the roles and responsibilities entrusted to us. When we serve, we allow those around us to grow and share in our relationship with Christ.

I’m a YES (wo)MAN. I’ve been saying Yes to anything and everything given to me ever since I came back in 2012. If I ever declined anything, it was on the premise that I had already committed to something else- a different event, a different ministry, etc. I strongly believed in my heart that God called me to do these things because He wanted to reveal His plans for me. Service strengthened my faith in Him, affirmed his calling for me, and always reminded me of how He has so much in store for me in the future.

When we say ‘Yes’ to God, we are saying ‘No’ to other things.

My biggest revelation in the past 24hrs is this- saying No to service (in the community) does not necessarily mean saying No to God.

We know that things are of God when every single cell of our body flourishes- thrives. Everything that is of God brings life to us and to those around us. This is not to say that when something challenges us and we feel stressed that we should just drop it and walk away. Challenges are part of service and being challenged means that there’s still so much that God is working in us.

However, our service in the community should not come at the expense of our relationship with Christ. I have so many things that I’ve willingly placed on my plate that my prayer time is suffering. There is so little peace and joy in my heart because of the burden and pressure I feel in making deadlines and delivering everything with excellence.

God should be my BAE- my ultimate Before Anyone Else

…even if that anyone= community

I cannot give something I don’t have, and if God is not in my heart while I serve then I am doing a disservice to myself and to the recipients of my service. If love is NOT abundant in my heart, then my works are empty. Love is the greatest enabler; it empowers, revitalizes,  rejuvenates, restores and heals.

—————-

God is central to my service, but service is NOT my god.

I am His daughter before I am a household head. I am His daughter before I am a Sector Head. I am His daughter before I am a Mission Volunteer. Yes, I am all these things at once, but if these titles withhold me back from acknowledging that God is #1 in my life  then I have major emotional/mental/spiritual spring cleaning to do.

He desires my attention more than my works. 

I need to love God above all else. He should be the biggest tenant in my heart. He is the one I answer to first and foremost.

Lord, allow me to be sensitive to Your Spirit and its leading. Please remind me when I need reminding, correct me when I need correcting, and redirection when I need redirecting. I desire you above all else, and love you above all else. Continue to move within me so that I can truly behold your majesty and ponder these things in my heart just as your Mother did.
“Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.”

Coming from an area like Metro Region, it’s almost a given that you will be asked to handle many different roles and responsibilities. I have always been more of a Martha than a Mary; I oversee checklists before acknowledging relationships.

This attitude got me going downhill in no time. Before I knew it, everything I had to do felt more like a burden, not a blessing. Every time I was asked to take on yet another role, my heart would grow more in affliction rather than gratitude. How much longer could I keep doing all of this? I was overwhelmed. I was overworked. I was so, so, so tired.

I was hitting a wall over and over and over again. How did I get to this point?

There is both beauty and art in being able to stay grounded in the midst of a storm. If I desired full time work as passionately as I did- as I still do- then I had to find a practical way to keep going. The problem lay not in the strength and size of my fire, but my ability to sustain it.

Everything I do is suppose to lead me closer to Heaven. If not, then I need to seriously reconsider my intentions, change perspectives, and reevaluate what is in my heart. Do I value the work of God more than God himself? Do I prioritize the work before my relationship with Him?

Realization:
The missionary matters to God before the mission.

The mission will always be there. The work in Metro region will keep going day and night; it will not stop until Christ himself comes back. My cup will always be filled with more, not because God is punishing me but because He wants to keep blessing me. My priority should always be to grow deeper in holiness with Christ, not the checkmarks beside my task list.

This work is grounded in the truth that whatever God places in our life is meant to make us more alive, allowing us to be more of who we are called to be. Whatever God does, is with purpose and that purpose is to reveal to us His unshakeable, unbreakable love for us.

For now and for always.

Even when it hurts / Even when it’s hard / Even when it all just falls apart / I will run to You / ‘Cause I know that You are / Lover of my soul / Healer of my scars / YOU STEADY MY HEART / I’m not gonna worry / I know that You’ve got me / Right inside the palm of your hand / Each and every moment / What’s good and what gets broken / Happens just the way You plan / You are here / You’re real / I know I can trust You.

Which disciple do you associate yourself with?

Most of us, including myself, wouldn’t have Judas as our go-to-guy. The sting of his betrayal resonates with everyone, even until now. A lot of us are quick so quick to judge, shaking our heads in disapproval. How could someone who claimed to love God betray him for so little? Real love has no cost, but apparently all it took was 30 silver pieces.

What possessed someone who was already part of the special twelve to turn his back on the one who gave him so much. A new life with new opportunities. But it still wasn’t enough. For Judas, if Jesus was really the Son of God- and nothing was impossible- then why did it take so long for this new revolution to begin? If Jesus was the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, then why did they still have to endure so much waiting?

He was impatient with God’s plan, so he took matters into his own hands.

Hmmm, now doesn’t that sound familiar?

I have in me, a Judas of sorts. I know that God has chosen me specifically for a purpose that only I can fulfill. I know that God loves me unconditionally because He’s shown me in so many different ways. I know that God favours me because he’s allowed me to witness so many great and wonderful things. Yet, I still find it hard to trust in Him. I still find it hard to be patient with His plans, to wrap my head around the fact that things happen in His perfect timing.

The past year God has given me the opportunity to be real with myself. I know what Judas’ thirty pieces of silver translates to in my life. I know what I’ve traded Jesus for on numerous occasions because I was tired of waiting. I made my own plans and ditches His.

He knows the weaknesses that lead to my everyday betrayals. He knows them as well as he knew that Judas would place on Christ the kiss of betrayal. Yet here I am, still receiving God’s good graces. Why? Because His mercy has no end. Indeed God is good. He is very, very good.

All we have to do is face ourselves and our actions with complete honesty- does this bring me closer or further from God? Am I serving myself and my own desires or am I dying to myself so that God’s desires can be fulfilled through me?

What God requires is not perfection, but a broken spirit and contrite heart.

Oh Most humane and adorable Jesus, Your endless grace and mercy flows forth. Before granting the gift of absolution To earnest repenters of sinful ways, You demanded a sacrificial compensation. For a wrongful act cannot be rectified Until punishment has been accepted! Yes, for the salvation of my soul, Jesus, You accepted the price of the Cross! Grant me the grace to remain free of debts, My heart remaining flawless before You, Making Your absolution truly worthwhile!

This blogpost was inspired by “Betrayal” (Matt Maher’s Day 3 of 7 Easter  Week Videos)

“Jesus saw her weeping and he saw how the people with her were weeping also; his heart was touched, and he was deeply moved.”- John 11:33

Taken from today’s gospel John 11:1-45 (The Death of Lazarus)

What strikes me most in today’s gospel is Jesus crying. Jesus cries? What an odd thing to see/hear/read in the bible.

When we picture Jesus we picture him composed, controlled and collected. There are only so many times in the bible where Jesus criesㅡ agony in the garden, his crucifixion, etc. When we read the gospel at the sisters’ Area Core household, I imagined myself in that scene in the bible carrying a small glass vial, hoping to catch Jesus’ tears.

Jesus must have really loved Martha and Mary to have been affected by Lazarus’ death. Wasn’t he just a RANDOM?

Hmm…

There are days where I feel like I’m going into a desert. In fact I’m smack dab in the middle of one right now. I’m dazed and confused, and to be honest I don’t really understand what’s happening.

Part of me is frittering away. Part of me is dead. Part of me is in mourning.

I am Mary. I am Martha. I am Lazarus.

Jesus weeps with me. Jesus weeps for me. Jesus cares about my loss. Jesus cares about how much has to be lost. Jesus’ love for me cannot be contained. Not even by tears.

——————

But He said:

“This illness does not lead to death; rather it is for God’s glory, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.” (John 11:4)

I know that the parts of me that have died, the parts of me that are still dying have to happen. It is part of my pruning process.  My mortification will bring me closer to Christ. I am being refined and purified to be the best version of myself, the one who lives because of He who loves me most.

So despite the worries, the woes and the wanderings in my life,  I am STILL called to believe even if it is in the seemingly impossible. I am STILL called to wait on His arrival even if my impatience whispers that He has abandoned me. I am STILL called to trust in His plan even when I feel like taking control and making my own.

Because despite how I feel, God is STILL so good. God is STILL here. God is STILL God. 

I will only learn to appreciate His salvation story if it stops being a concept and starts being part of the context of my life. This is God making Lent more real for me.

Life in death. Life through death. Life because of death. Amen.

 “Lord, either let me suffer or let me die.”
– St. Teresa of Avila

Metro Region just finished its Regional Youth Conference a couple days ago and I still find myself processing so much of what I heard, saw, and felt. It gave me great joy to see 407 participants, 100 CC’s, and the service team take part in so much of the sacraments. To begin with Mass and settle into confession/adoration later during the day was beautiful. In all the 13 years I’ve been in this community, never had I ever experienced such fullness in Christ during an event.

What transpired at adoration was so personal that it’s all I’ve been thinking about. So much of me wants to photocopy that mental picture and share it everywhere to everyone. It boggles my brain how loud God can be in silence. It boggles my brain how God chooses to reveal himself entirely in what seemingly just looks like a “wafer”. The rest of the world is missing out on this. People are missing out on this. I’ve missed out on it all these years.

All because I found it easier to live with the noise of the world than the silence of my being. I used to love being surrounded by so many other people, people who shared the multiple desires that the rest of the world forced upon us. It kept us busy. It made us feel useful. It made us feel something- which was better than the nothing that lingered once we are alone.

When God wants to teach divine lessons to a soul and speak to her heart, He leads her into the desert (Hos 2:16).

I’ve had to learn that the hard way. I was in my own personal desert for a long time, and as abundant the resources were nothing could satiate the thirst of a heart that needed life breathed into it.

In solitude the spirit is always recollected so that it may hear the Lord’s voice, and nothing can interrupt the heart’s own voice as it constantly speaks to God. It delights in repeating the simple words, You are the God of my heart (Ps 73:26) and finds in them its whole fulfillment, wealth, and joy. – Imitation of Mary

As I knelt down for the next 45 minutes there were absolutely no words that came to mind. It was blank. The space was empty. But I knew better than to give up and sit back down waiting for time to pass by. Here was God in front of me, and despite my shortcomings and lack of words He STILL deserved to be adored. He deserved every piece and part of me- He is worthy to be be praised.

I knew He just wanted me to listen. Not with my ears, but with my heart.

“My child, God finds His delight in being with you; find yours in being with Him in solitude. There, far more freely than elsewhere, you can reveal to Him your inmost thoughts. You can far more readily manifest your feelings with the freedom that a respectful trust in Him will give you.”- I.o.M.

I can never fully explain in word, or detail what I saw in the last fifteen minutes. No artist could ever paint that image and recreate the majesty displayed. As much as I long to share it, I know that that moment was meant for me. Just me. It also made me realize that in order for God to come into our lives, we need to remember that we also need to INVITE him in. He doesn’t break down our doors, rather he simply knocks on it and wait for us to say, “Come in. I need you to fill my life and to take up every corner and crevice of my life.”

Five days left until the (second) most awaited event of the year for Metro. This Regional Youth Conference is so close to my heart for so many different reasons. It was three years ago that I fatefully stepped in during a worship; those 45 minutes were more than enough for God to pull me back to the community.

I went home that night and couldn’t understand why God would call me, of all people, after being lost for so many years. I wasn’t even supposed to end up there. I remember how I looked at a bible and opened the pages. It landed on Matthew 7:7. Coincidentally, three years later I am not going to be there by accident, rather very much on purpose.

People always anticipate the calm before the storm, but I feel like for the last week and a half it’s just been all about braving one crazy one. The attacks are so personal. I’ve gotten into some unexpected conflict with those close to me, my job has me stressing to the point of sickness, and the biggest most deeply rooted hurt in my heart has again resurfaced, now of all times. Also, my pencil case is missing (if you know me, you know that’s enough to drive me up the wall & throw me off the loop!). I’ve been so distracted by my internal struggles. I’ve been even more anxious not having my pens- what I consider vital to my journaling and prayer time.

How. Will. I . Cope.

———–

Yesterday I reached a point where I just felt so discouraged, so broken, so aggravated. My migraine was two days old. I asked myself why I bothered to care so much. I knew this was part of the spiritual warfare- I was aware of how everyone else around me was starting to get attacked head on too.

I picked up my rosary, and it was there that my Why‘s were answered:

The Annunciation
The angel appeared to Mary asking her to carry out a purpose specific to her. She said yes without hesitation. In my own way, I’ve been asked to carry out a responsibility and role both in my sector and area, and as a missionary
….for Humility.

The Visitation
Mary visited Elizabeth even if she was far away. She knew her cousin needed her now more than ever. In my own way, I’ve been indirectly shown two individuals to personally look after. Unexpected as they came into my life during the busiest weeks of the year, God’s calling for me to accountable is crystal clear
…for Love of Others.

The Birth of Jesus
Born in a manger, not even a crib in sight. I too am called to bring Christ to  life in the harsh, hostile, chaotic environment of my job. It is never comfortable, but this is where I must be right now
…for Love of God

The Presentation of Jesus
Mary had to present her son Jesus to the temple. She may have feared for his life. She knew what was coming for him. But she still trusted God enough to give up her son before the elders. In the same way, I am called to give up to God everything and present it to Him. They will only be away from me for a while. He never takes something without giving back something better
…for Sacrifice.

The Finding of Jesus
Despite all the warfare and turmoil surrounding the upcoming RYC, we know that we will find God there. We’re scattered, doubting, worried and confused. But, by 7:59am, he will transform the venue into a dwelling place secure as we celebrate Holy Mass, and the sacraments
…for Zeal.

I am reminded that the God I love, is the same God who…
Saves.
Redeems.
Forgives.
Blesses.
Pursues.
Promises.

A God of peace.
A God of order.
A God above all time.
A God who never abandons.
A God of perfect love.

Behold the handmaid of the Lord;  be it unto me according to thy word.
Luke 1:38

For the salvation of souls lost in this world, let the crosses I carry bring them back to you. Someone else loved You enough to be accountable to the stranger that was me.
Your will, not mine. For Your glory, not mine.

Sweet Heart of Jesus, be my love.
 Sweet Heart of Mary, be my salvation.