Author: Thea Lape

It’s a beautiful thing to be in love. To love someone means to always have them in mind. When someone is always on your mind, it’s very hard to do things that you know will hurt them.

Yes, it’s a beautiful thing to be in love, because to be in love is to be in God, to be one with Christ. Although my human nature limits the perfection of my love for Him, it does not limit my desire to uphold my heart to the highest of standards. Love chooses to declare loyalty not through extravagance but with consistency. I have learned that loving Christ means doing all things entrusted to me with great care- especially the seemingly menial things. Loving Christ means choosing to see His presence interlaced in every fibre of my reality within and beyond my mission areas.

“Love is not only an affirmation; it is also a rejection. The mere fact that John loves Mary with his whole heart means that he does not love Ruth with any part of it. Every protestation of love is a limitation of a wrong kind of free love. Love, here, is the curbing of the freedom understood as license, and yet it is the enjoyment of perfect freedom.- for all that one wants in life is to love that person. True love always imposes restrictions on itself- for the sake of others. True love, by its nature is uncompromising; it is the freeing of self from selfishness and egotism. Real love uses freedom to attach itself unchangeably to another. ” -Fulton J. Sheen

“Love God, and then do whatever you please.”
– St. Augustine

“There is never enough time” has to be one of the most overused sentences I have ever heard…and said. I have come to accept North American culture as the fast paced, stress inducing kind that it is. Ever since I was young, the notion that time was working against me was already engrained in my head.

And now as I try to balance life- prayer time, work, family & friends, sector duties and mission assignments I still feel at time that there is simply not enough time! I would be lying to myself if I didn’t own up to the reality- my reality– that if anything, my prayer time is what takes the hit. But Praise God for this community and its leaders, especially the Full Time Workers for constantly reminding me, reminding us that despite our schedules and agendas Jesus deserves that permanent non-negotiable coffee date. Every day. Regardless of what that day looks like.

My biggest personal struggle has always been my control issues, but in the past year the Lord has really refined and purified my heart so that I can learn when and most importantly how to surrender. I had such a strong desire to imitate the twin hearts- Jesus’ Sacred heart and Mom’s Immaculate Heart because I knew that it would help me grow in my trust for the Lord. Their hearts are a perfect example of what true sacrifice and true surrender looks like. Praise God because so much has happened because of it.

Joy continues to reverberate throughout me even when service gets difficult, frustrating or challenging.

Peace continues to reign in my heart despite the doubts about my vocation press hard on me.

The love in my heart for God and His people continues to grow inside me.

God is a god of order. God is always on control. God is the ultimate Author of time. He is our first beginning and our last end. The fabric of our life He has personally sewn. His pursuit of our hearts will always lead us back to the cross- it is the inescapable route towards His love.

The walk to Calvary is torturous when we carry more than is necessary. Therefore an emptying of ourselves must happen- of our desires, our own plans, our own schedules and personal itineraries. Is that not what our own Mother Mary did? Come to the foot of the cross with absolutely nothing, nothing else but Jesus in her heart.

It has been more fulfilling allowing the Lord to lead my heart and my life. He has filled the past four weeks of my life with far greater plans. I could have never imagined myself to be where I am now. My God is so good to me that He’s not only given me what I need, but he’s also given me so much more than what I thought I wanted for myself. So how could I deny him access to that which He created himself?

About two weekends ago I was blessed enough to serve at the first ever Steubenville Conference outside of Steubenville, Ohio here in Toronto. The Archdiocese ran the event and there are absolutely no words to convey how full my heart felt during the entirety of that conference. There were 2500+ attendees with seminarians, consecrated religious, 30 priests, 6 bishops and 1 cardinal. It was insane.

Initially there were supposed to be 4 of us from the area core who volunteered to attend the event, but a few things came up for the others. I ended up being alone for all of Saturday. I wasn’t too pleased with the thought of going alone especially because I was outside of the comforts of the CFC community.

I know now that God planned it to be that way because he really wanted some one on one time. He wanted my full attention and knew that the only way to do that was to isolate me. This was a “Peter, come out of the boat and walk on water” experience.

I signed up for a 4-5pm adoration assignment because I knew that I had all the time in the world to spare. Somehow the Liturgy organizers hadn’t assigned anyone yet. It definitely worked in my favour. Part of me felt like I needed to steal away from the large crowds (and/or hide away).

Thank God for that yes.

In my last fifteen minutes of my time, while I was simply gazing at the tabernacle I was pleasantly and shockingly surprised to find all major internationally acclaimed speakers, singers, hosts and leaders in that tiny little chapel.  Among them were Jacky Francois and Bobby Angel, Bob Rice, Ike Ndolo, and Father Dave Pivonka. This was their preparation before going back on stage.

WAS THIS REAL LIFE?

In that moment my heart expanded ten times full because I could feel the intensity of their love for Christ. I could feel their desire to meet Him, the emptying of themselves so that the Spirit could fill them. In the silence of my mind echoed these words,

“This is how my heart feels every time one of you say yes to my Son. This is the joy that vibrates well within me every time a vocation is answered, a promise is fulfilled. Do you understand the gravity of one simple yes?”

Security pulled me out two songs into the private worship session. It was enough for me to witness abandonement in the form of all vocations-

…through the religious sister who sat in front of me,
…through the hands raised high in surrender to our God by the Franciscan friar,
…through the sweet, melodious notes of a Catholic singer,
…through the gentle words of a missionary and inspirational speaker,
…through the reverence of a wife who lay prostrate even with her seven month belly,
…through the quiet strength of a supportive husband whose hands supported her from behind.

And this was a moment in time that the Lord designed specifically for me. This was a blessing He graciously shared with me. This was mercy and grace outpoured.

God is in the day to day, monotonous duties. I might have entered that chapel carrying nothing with me, but I know I left it carrying everything in my heart.

He is my all.

Lover of my soul I want to tell you / Only you have all of me / I cannot contain my adoration / I’m in love so desperately / No one is as lovely as you are / There is no one else who has my heart / Jesus you have me completely / Every breath I breathe I am absolutely in love / Jesus I am yours forever / All of me surrenders / I am absolutely in love with you.

It was approximately a year ago that a friend suggested that I look at this one specific apparition of Mary called, The Seven Sorrows. My first reaction, and only reaction at that time was to acknowledge his suggestion, but to be honest I never really bothered to look deeper into it.

With that in mind I find it extremely ironic how in two weeks time, I will be performing with a creative team which will highlight all seven sorrows. It will act as the prologue for the entire CFC Eastern Conference and open up all the sessions. I remember agreeing to do the creative before finding out I’d be taking on the role of Mother Mary- what a surprise that was!

We had our first run through last Friday and I don’t think anything could have prepared me for that day. At that point I thought I was ready. It didn’t hit me that I would actually be required to do more than the dance moves- I had to act, no I had to be Mother Mary. But how could I do that when I felt so inadequate, so unqualified to embody the greatest woman to ever grace this earth?

The director, Tita Lilet stopped us at Sorrow #6, Jesus is taken down from the Cross, the famous scene of the ‘Pieta’:

Silent were the lips that once comforted so many, closed were the eyes that once looked so lovingly upon the children of men. In great sorrow Mary received the body of her Son, holding Him close to her heart as she had once cradled Him at Bethlehem.

I had about two minutes to get myself together before she would make us redo the scene. Two to go deeper within myself and figure out how a mother would feel the moment she realized that someone who used to be a part of her (literally) was gone- lifeless, still, never to come back. Tita Lilet wanted me to wail, to cry, to show SOME type of agony. But how?

In that moment, I drew myself in and whispered a prayer.

“Mother Mary, I can’t do this all by myself. I know absolutely nothing. I think the only way this will work is for you to take a sword from your Immaculate Heart and pierce it in mine. Amen.”

In about ten seconds, all I could feel was my chest close up, my eyes burn hot with tears, and a huge wave of ten different emotions rush in me. Suddenly all my energy and attention was focused on CJ lying still (the dancer playing Jesus). I knew he wasn’t really dead but why did my heart ache so much as if he was? Tears came all too easily at this point. How could so much pain be contained in one tiny person?

Two brothers motioned to take CJ away from me and in that instant a maternal instinct of sorts clicked somewhere deep inside me and all I could think of was how I could not, WOULD NOT let them. They ended up having to pry my hand away from him (haha). It was as if all the truths I had ever known in my lifetime were taken away from me and I was left with nothing else but agony.

Mother full of grace, Virgin most faithful, refuge of sinners, comforter of the afflicted…how little we are in comparison to your love for Christ! I thank God for that day and for this creative because until now I don’t think I really understood Mary at all. To live through seven swords simultaneously piercing the most tender parts of your heart is really something worth beholding. Only Mary could have tolerated that. No one else would do.

“I will whatever you will: I will all because you will it. I will all things to be as you wish them; I will them as long as you will them. Lord enlighten my understanding, inflame my will, purify my heart and sanctify my soul.”

#SHouToutSeries

What am I sacrificing?

This is something I haven’t stopped asking God since that fateful day in April 3 years ago when I received His first prompting to go out and find Him in the Philippines. I asked again on May 25, 2012- after I gave a session for 2000 youth. I still asked Him on February 10, 2013 moments before submitting my MV application.  The same words resounded from the deepest parts of me, yet again earlier this year as I resubmitted my application as a Continuing MV.

I’ve heard enough stories from co-missionaries to be aware of the expectations; letting go of your dream career, rocking the family boat, #materialgainz, a life of comfort, etc. I anticipated the cut, but nothing could have prepared me for the rain that came and stayed in my life.

When there’s a pull from one direction, expect a push from the other.
#simplelifefacts

As I mentioned in my previous #SHoutOutSeries post, there were 2 things that God revealed. The second (Build Me) involved two strong images- a ladder, and a series of houses.

When we give Jesus our yes, he hands us a box. We have to fill this box with the things we love most; a cross shaped key unlocks our hearts and out pours the contents (good and bad). Most of us only give one thing at a time knowing that there’s so much more hidden in the corners. No worries though, Jesus just smiles back. He takes the contents and puts it behind him. We never see anything else- just the exchange between Jesus and fellow servants.

The frustrating part  for us is that it feels as if the exchange never ever ends. God always ends up finding more things hidden in the cracks and crevices of our hearts. ‘Oh no, not this one’ we think to ourselves. But Jesus continues to just smile as if to say, “Only when you’re ready...” 

Our sacrifices become the building blocks to a staircase that leads to heaven. The more we humble ourselves, the bigger the brick. The greater the sacrifice, the stronger the cement that holds it together. That’s how it works.

Changing people is strictly God’s business, and that’s what He allowed to happen through me when I emptied myself out of….well, myself. Every time I declined a drink at a party, three leaders who wanted to step down were reinspired and decided to stay in the community. Every moment I denied myself a cigarette (#confessionsofanExSmoker) a group of individuals gained confidence to serve for a higher calling *cough* Mission Volunteer Program. When I denied myself of my own worldly desires, desires of the flesh…I allowed God to use me as His instrument.  A perfect vehicle for God’s love is a heart that has been placed in the burning furnace of His own heart.

So many beautiful and wonderful things have grown out of this community. Where we are right now, are fruits of the sacrifices from previous missionaries (even well before the MV program was created)- the original Canadian trailblazers. Maybe their sacrifices didn’t feel like it led to anything back then, but man- look at where our country is now- We have approximately 50 missionaries!!!! The lives that have been changed, families that have been renewed, marriages that have been spared divorce, singles that have found their true love, men and women who have pursued  religious orders…these are just a few things that have been borne out of someone else’s SACRIFICE.

Giving the Lord our Yes means that He can collectively take our hearts and make a house built on love– His house, where those who are wandering and lost can find shelter and comfort. I am where I am because someone else before me decided to dedicate their life to Christ. I have learned to love God because someone else used their life to witness to his saving power and grace.

Love transforms. Love heals. Love binds us and holds us together. Love allows us to find hope in this world.

To live is Christ, to die is gain(Phil 1:21)

And the next day after, when all 18 MVs attended mass God greeted us with nothing but joy & peace. From start to finish, the mass was centred on building blocks, foundations, and dwelling places.

Lord, thank you for being our dwelling place secure and for the gift that is my service in this community. Amen.

 Oh I love you Lord,
Oh I need you here.
Draw me closer to where you are.
I wanna be with you.

 How many times have I sang this song?
How many times have we belted out these words during jam sessions, worships, praisefests? As the chorus played out in my head, this is what Jesus revealed to my heart:

Where I am is here- at the cross. Do you still want to be with me? Do you still love me after this? Will you still love me even if you have to have swords pierce your own heart? If you do, then come closer. Stand before me with Mary. Behold and ponder the love I have saved just for you.

I never really looked at the words of the song until three days ago as I was preparing for a session. Our FTPW didn’t give me the outline until the night before. Part of me was really doubting my ability to give this session justice; I felt unqualified.  99% of the time this kind of talk is usually given simultaneously to both brothers and sisters by a couple in SFC or CFC.

God is so good because through this session I was able to personally realize how much growth my heart has gone through in the past year. I took a deep breath in between my notes and my eyes were all of a sudden fixated on the blinking date and time. Something clicked inside.

I went to my email inbox and typed in June 4, 2013. If my gut was right, one specific email would come up.

….And it did.

I read the email I wrote (exactly) a year ago and laughed to myself after; it was the hardest one I ever had to write. I had to end two decades worth of  “friendship” with someone because I finally realized how much clutter it put in my heart. It was an extremely toxic relationship and that day God made me choose. He asked, “Choose now which of us will be the King of your heart?”

This time, it really would have to be over. My Yes to God was going to cost a No to my friend. I doubted that decision the whole year after pressing “Send” up until that moment with the session points staring back at me.

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His love made me feel Whole.
He continues to pursue my heart and fill all the holes that my sins left behind. His mercy has seeped into every crack and crevice.

His gift of understanding allowed me to be more Open.
The eyes of my heart have been opened. I now see similar situations with different perspectives because I’ve allowed God to be the first man in my life.

His mother’s presence in my life has taught me to be Meek.
When a woman has a real man lead her, she has no need to overcompensate with a controlling attitude. When a woman’s heart is at peace, she allows others to rest with her. My devotion to his mother’s Immaculate Heart has really taught me the importance of submission- submission to her son’s will.

His constant guidance has made me more Elegant.
Beauty in a woman without good judgement is like a gold ring in a pig’s snout (Prov 11:22). I have found the beauty in patient waiting by coming to know my worth as a woman.  I am able to delight in the knowledge that I am worthy to be wanted, pursued and cherished.

His graces keep me Noble.
I will hold myself to a standard of grace, not perfection. When God is first in your life, you begin to align your life to a standard of excellence, a life worthy of heaven. I have become more vigilant of the things in my life that endanger my path to holiness, and I am quicker to dismiss it.

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Thank you Lord for transforming my heart! Thank you of never giving up on me. Thank you for being committed to me and being committed to my life. Everything can and has changed, but you will always remain the same!

We must become Holy, not because we want to feel Holy, but because Christ must be able to live his life fully in us. – Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta

The Eastern MV Shout here in Toronto was two weeks ago, yet I’m still running on a Spiritual Hangover of sorts. Throughout the whole week, everything (for me) kept pointing to two things:

1. I am the way, the truth and the life.
2. Build Me

The Lord kept bringing up these two themes in my prayer time, my scripture reading, my conversations with fellow MVs, and even at my workplace.  I kept myself open to the Holy Spirit and made sure to be more sensitive to its leading. Sure enough, in the last twelve hours of the SHOUT, He showed me a glimpse of the greatness that He has been working on.

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I AM THE WAY. Everything He ever did always fell on one thing: love. This was his only motive, and so it should be ours as well. His way gives us the opportunity to pour out into the world the love which God has placed in our hearts. Jesus, even in His full splendour never failed to serve those around Him. The scene of Jesus washing His disciples’ feet always provokes such a strong emotion out of me every time I picture it; you cannot get any more personal than that. Each relationship he had with his followers was important. It is never a question of whether or not He can do much for us, rather how much we allow him to do things for us. His only desire is ours.

“Our neighbor’s spiritual need transcends every commandment. Everything else we do is a means to an end. But love is an end already, since God is love.” – St. Edith Stein

Christ said, “I AM THE TRUTH“; he did not say “I am the custom.” (St. Toribio)
Oftentimes our religion is accused of being too rigid and strict, however as St. John Paul II points out ‘Freedom consists not in doing what we like, but in having the right to do what we ought.‘ The truth sets us free; Jesus is truth. Living out our life as God intends us to (re: ten commandments and the Beatitudes) frees us from our vices which chains us and weighs us down. 

“When we speak God’s word, Is not my word like fire, declares the Lord, and like a hammer that breaks the rock in pieces?” – Jeremiah 23:29

Speaking His word and declaring it with conviction allows God’s kingdom to be built right here on Earth. We must not be afraid to speak the Truth. Through our fearlessness, More people will come to know heaven even while they are still alive.

I AM THE LIFE.  The way of the cross is the way of life. The words ‘To live is Christ, to die is gain’ (Philippians 1:21) . Jesus did not suffer so that we didn’t have to, rather so that we KNOW how to because “apart from the Cross there is no other ladder by which we may get to heaven.” (St. Rose of Lima). When we share in Christ’s suffering, we allow His beautiful and most Sacred Heart to beat in unison with ours. We allow Christ to dwell in us thus bringing life to those we encounter as well.

“Before they were known as Christians, the first disciples of Jesus were known as followers  of The Way. The ‘way’ of Jesus is the way of self-giving service. When we serve our neighbour, our service makes God’s Word visible and believable. Like the apostles and first deacons, our service to others helps them to experience Jesus as ‘the way’, the one who teaches us the truth about ourselves and brings us abundant life.” – St. Philip Neri, May 18 bulletin

Praise God that He allowed me to come across all of these things in just one week. He sees my desire to understand Him and to know him, and now that He has shared to me this bountiful and beautiful blessing I have a responsibility to share it.
Lord, give us the courage to follow your way, conviction to speak the truth, and the joy to live the life you give to us. Amen.