Kris Gardiner – True North Missionaries Journal

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August 30, 2013
12:00PM

Before I entered the seminary, my family and I went out for lunch. Fortunately, a few of my friends were able to send me off as well. Before I went into the car to go to the seminary, my friends showered me with love. They sent me off with warm smiles and even warmer (not to mention tighter) embraces.

Even a few days before I was greeted with loving and thoughtful messages from friends and family. The Lord really knows how to make His children feel loved. The Lord’s love is so overwhelming!

When I stepped into the seminary, it felt as if I was just here for another retreat. I was getting acquainted with a few new faces and getting to know more about the faces that were familiar.

Usually, I enjoy praying the liturgy of the hours. For some reason, as we prayed the evening prayer on my first night, it felt dry. It felt as if there was so much resistance to put myself fully into the words. I was tired. I was distracted. I was not comfortable.

That night, when I went back into my room, I deep sense of loneliness hit me. I sat on my bed, looked around my room and I couldn’t help but feel lonely. I missed a lot of things. I missed a lot of people. I knew that transitioning into seminarian life would be hard, but I could never really grasp it before because of how excited I was. Am I even ready? Is this really where the Lord wants me? After so many weeks and months of being affirmed and knowing that the Lord is calling me to the seminary, now I wasn’t so sure.

The following morning we celebrated the Holy Eucharist. When Father raised the Holy Eucharist during consecration, all of a sudden I remembered why I was here. I remembered the love of the Lord. I remembered the comfort, the grace. I wasn’t uneasy. I wasn’t uncomfortable. I wasn’t nervous, anxious, or scared. When the light of the morning graciously entered in the Eucharist, I could not help to be in awe. I was fully present. The Lord was fully present. I can’t remember a time where I have been more engaged in the words being said than at that mass. In that moment, I knew I was home. The Lord is my comfort, my place of refuge. Wherever the Lord is, I will call my home.

It’s easy to be distracted and lose focus, but there is something about the Lord’s love that you can’t deny.

Serra House

In the beginning of 2012, in my prayer I felt the Lord calling me to something big and so for the year I had been anticipating this big thing God had planned for me. As I journeyed through my service as a sector head, none of the events I served for or the major things that happened that year satisfied this big call that was lingering in my heart. After each day I still felt that there was something greater.

Near the end of 2012, the Lord called me to serve as the Area Head of GTA. I thought this was the big thing the Lord had me search for.

In February, the Lord provided an opportunity for me to attend a Come and See weekend at St. Augustine’s seminary. On the Saturday night, there was a planned social for those that attended the retreat to relax and hang out with the seminarian brothers there. We gathered first in the chapel to pray the liturgy of the hours and instead of going with everyone else, I stayed in the chapel. There was a peace there that I have never felt before. It was very familiar but also something that I longed for, and so I remained there for a couple hours. I just wanted to stay with Him. I just wanted to be with Him.

I then started attending a bi-weekly vocational discernment program. It started to become my nourishment. I tried my best to attend every single one and the odd week that I couldn’t attend I felt very empty (the same feeling like when you miss a household). It soon became something that I craved, something that I longed for.

After the vocational discernment program had ended, I met with the vocational director of the archdiocese of Toronto. I shared with him that there was a possibility that I would apply to the seminary for September. After talking a bit about how I felt called and my circumstances, he asked me what is holding me back from applying. I told him that I just wanted to make sure that there was no more doubts in my mind before I made the decision. The vocational director then told me that there will always be doubts and I will never be completely ready. After Father had said that, I already knew my decision.

Every decision that had led up to my application to the seminary was always peaceful. It felt natural. I finished my application during the beginning preparations of the Eastern True North Conference. Although I was able to keep busy with TNC prep, an anxiousness built up in me. As Conference drew closer, there was no answer from the archdiocese whether I was accepted or not and the anxiety continued to build.

I was asked to lead the closing praisefest on the Saturday night but I hesitated. I didn’t want to say yes because I felt that my water to wine experience wasn’t good enough. I thought, “I only applied to the seminary, I didn’t even get accepted. How is my application even a victory?” Throughout the entire conference I hoped that just before I went on stage, the vocational director would call me and I would be given the results of my application but to no avail there was no call.

Still, I stepped on that stage and I poured my heart out. I said yes to Him once more and trusted fully that my current situation and where I was exactly, is where the Lord wanted me to be in order to lead that prayer. I said yes despite my own plans happening. I said yes despite not even believing in myself.

When the Conference ended, my parents arrived at the venue to pick my sister and I up. When my mom stepped out of the car, she approached me immediately and handed me a letter and said, “This came for you in the mail.”

I was always affirmed by the little things. In the past year there was always little tugs in my heart whenever religious life came up in discussion. There were actually times when the tugs were so real that I would just scream because I didn’t know why it was happening. I was scared of what would happen. It wasn’t in my plan, my entire life I dreamed of having my own family (with 15 kids, haha).

After I sent in my application, in the most random times I would have this feeling in my heart that was both joy and peace. I heard the Lord whisper to me, “I am here, waiting for you. I will embrace you here. I will love you here.” The feeling would penetrate my heart so deep that I would have the urge of just running to the seminary, even if I was in a car on the highway I wanted to jump out and just start running. I just wanted to be with Him. I just wanted to fall into His arms. I just wanted to surrender everything.

In my entire life, I would have never expected that I would enter the seminary. Even when I spoke to some of my friends from high school they told me that out of our circle of friends, I would’ve been the least likely to ever join. The Lord had a plan for me, no matter how many times I fell. As long as I stood up again and gave Him another yes, everything was going to be okay. Actually, greater than I could have ever imagined. His love always wins.

I can’t believe that the guy who would swear after every other word, encouraged everyone to get drunk, indulged himself in mostly all sinful desires would one day strive to live a life of chastity and purity, devoted to the Lord. God is so amazing! How great are you Lord to save me, heal me, free me, bless me, love me! There is no one else but You. There is no other love that is greater! You are everything, You are all that I need. My King, my Saviour, my Life. I cannot express how overwhelmed I am. I cannot express how much I long for You. Thank You Lord. Praise God! Praise God! Praise God!

I love you Lord!

I enter the seminary tomorrow.

Without the Lord.

black

I am nothing without the Lord.

Here you will find darkness. Darkness is not really an actual thing, is it? The word is only a classification of what happens when there is no light present. Light is a real thing. How? Simply put, light can be produced, where as darkness cannot. For example, if I light a match a flame (light) is produced. There is nothing in this world that can create darkness. Darkness only occurs when light is not present.

So darkness then, does not really exist. Furthermore, darkness would definitely not exist if light didn’t exist because darkness itself is dependent on light.

In the same way I find that this is an exact representation of the self. The self would not exist if a something did not exist. Humanity exists solely because of the One who exists.

Therefore, if humanity is solely dependent on our Creator, the beginning statement is incorrect, for we cannot even be anything without the Lord. Instead it should be..

Without the Lord.

.. because “I am nothing” indicates that we are actually something when the Lord is not present. Now, where am I going with this?

Sometimes I am thanked, praised, honoured for the things the Lord has allowed me to do, whether that would be for giving a talk, paying for someone’s meal, leading worship. It is hard sometimes because the devil uses opportunities like these to slowly and subtly build up my pride. Most of the time, I only notice when it is already too late and I have already acted wrongly against my family, friends, or any brother or sister.

Praise God for He is merciful and without His unending love I would be a wreck. When we say “Praise God” in this community, we are truly called to acknowledge that the Lord is the source of everything; every act of goodness, every smile, every joyful moment, every inch of love, the completeness of our life (which is why it is EXTREMELY easy to get “kiligs” or feel “gitty” over the Lord!). Praise God because He is the only One worthy of praise. Obviously, our praising does not really amount to much when we compare it to God’s infinite and undefinable Glory. However, if there is any praise or thanks being done, it all should be directed to the Lord.

I have been so extremely blessed, that the Lord has chosen to use me (as He has chosen all of us) and make my life an instrument of His love and joy. The only way to increase in the fullness of my life, is to rid myself of everything that is of me. The more that the self is removed, the more the Creator can be present. Of course we strive to give ourselves fully, but we are such limited creatures (and the Lord is aware of this, He is our Creator after all) that even if we desperately desired to offer ourself completely it would be impossible; because to offer oneself fully is to be a perfect reflection of God (and there is only one, Christ). So as much as we strive to give ourselves fully and be perfectly transformed into a bright light..

We must be at peace with the fact that we will never reach this state in this lifetime and know that the Lord has already took this into account when He created us. So instead we must settle for this..

.. and remember that even if this is the best (as long as we try our best) that we can do, it is still indescribably beautiful because the Lord made it that way. He will make us strong despite our frailty. He will fix us despite our brokenness. He will make us complete because His love never fails.

Beautiful Brokenness

There is so much beauty in vulnerability.
There is so much beauty in being broken.

I was excited to attend the Eastern MV SHouT and my entire week was organized so that I could arrive at the venue on time or even earlier. However, during a one on one with a brother, I was notified that my grandfather, Tatay Earl, was rushed to the emergency. Usually if it was a minor problem, only one of his sons or daughters would be there, but this time all three daughters accompanied him. That is when I knew something was serious.

When I arrived home, my mom asked me to help my aunt and my brother bring Tatay back to the hospital the following morning. I quickly agreed and the following morning, my brother and I were picked up by my uncle and we headed to pick up Tatay from my cousin’s house. The past several months, the whole family noticed a drastic decline in his strength; He was more fragile and more dependent on others. We lifted him onto the passenger seat, something we never had to do before, and headed off to the hospital. Tatay was still pretty strong, he was even joking around with the nurse that tended to him, and conversing with us while we were with him in the hospital. When it was time, I was comfortable leaving him, confidently knowing that he’d be okay.

I headed to the MV SHouT, being a couple hours late, and was welcomed by the beautiful sisters and inspiring brother, of Eastern Canada’s second MV batch. Everything was good; I was excited to be there and ready to witness what the Lord had planned for me, and oh how loudly He spoke. During the GTA SHouT, the Lord focused on the areas in myself that needed to be exposed and brought to light. During the MV SHouT, He focused on external areas of my life that I needed to work on. One of them was family.

On Friday morning, I was contacted by my cousin to head to the hospital, Tatay got worse, all of our family was told to go immediately to the hospital. On the previous night, the last session was centered on family, oh how the Lord works!

When I arrived at the hospital, nothing could have prepared me for the state I saw Tatay in. It was too quick. Everything just dropped. However, praise God that He was still responsive when we spoke to Him. I was able to share with him the plans for my future, and I was so affirmed when he approved. Thank You Lord. Most of my family was present and my family from Windsor was on their way. We stayed with Tatay the whole day. He was finally moved into a private room where the entire family could surround him.

All of the cousins knew that Tatay wouldn’t want us to just stand around him, looking at him, and feeling sorry. We knew he always enjoyed watching us having fun with one another. So, we continued to be the crazy family that we are, and started a Riff Off (Pitch Perfect reference) in his room. We sang for hours, laughing and spreading joy. Deep down I know Tatay was enjoying himself as well.

We were still waiting for one family from Windsor to arrive and because of how strong Tatay has always been, I guess my family thought that he would be able to wait for the other family to arrive. We left to go back home, I was dropped off at the SHouT house and the rest of my family went back home. I felt fine, I wasn’t worried at all for Tatay. It felt so natural that Tatay would still be there when we got back.

After waking up from a nap I took in the brother’s room, an hour after I arrived, I checked my phone to see if there were any updates on Tatay, only to see a text from my brother that read, “Tatay passed”. One of the Kuyas from the SHouT house arranged a ride for me and an Ate offered to drive me to the hospital and another sister came to direct her. Thank you so much to you all, I cannot express how grateful I am for you.

On the way there I was nervous, anxious, scared, and had so many mixed emotions. My mom called me and I heard the uneasy, shakiness in her voice and that she was trying to hold back her tears. When we arrived at the hospital I quickly ran into the elevator. When the elevator opened, my youngest cousin saw me and pointed to the room where Tatay was. I ran.

I entered the room and saw him. I wasn’t ready. As I approached, I kissed his forehead and a waterfall of tears ran down my face. The sight of him. The sounds of my family that surrounded him. I wasn’t ready.

I was asked to lead the rosary soon after. It was the hardest thing I had to do in my life.

The whole time he was in the hospital he was praying the rosary. I was told that right before he passed, his last breaths and the last bit of his strength was used to move to the next bead of his rosary.

There was so much brokenness in that room. So much vulnerability. So much love. It was beautiful.

Thank You Lord for the life of Tatay. Thank You for blessing this family with a strong, faithful, and generous man. Welcome him into your loving embrace. May he rest in eternal paradise with You, our Blessed Virgin Mother, all the angels and saints, and Nanay.

Love you Tay.

Here In Your Presence

To pray for someone is the least you can do for someone and it is also the most you can do for them.

Recently, I have found so much peace in prayer. Without prayer, I would not be able to love as I do (still working on it), be as generous as I can sometimes be (also a work in progress), and as compassionate as I try to be. It’s an amazing gift we have, to have a constant line of communication with our Almighty Father, at all times. We are called to be saints and one of the best ways to purify our hearts is through prayer.

I make it a point to supplicate the lives of each of my family members and each individual brother or sister in my household. I know I don’t know how to love, especially to the extent that our Merciful Father loves us. It would be foolish to not go to Love Himself in order to learn how to love. I am usually quick to see faults in others, but when I lift up each brother or sister to the Lord, He not only sheds light to purify the hurts, faults, and wrongdoings, but His light magnifies the greatness of Himself within each and every person in my life.

How amazing is our God to turn our affliction into love and joy!

When I reflect on my own life, the Lord never fails to reveal to me how small I am compared to Him. How great it is to be so humbled at the foot of His cross! My life is of such insignificance but You Lord have breathed a purpose in me. I would be lying if I claimed that my best characteristics were my own. It is because of my Saviour that I am compassionate. It is because of Him that I can be generous. It is His overflowing and endless love that allows me the privilege and honour to love others.

I will always remember when one of my past counterparts corrected me and said, “Never joke about prayer, it is sacred.” Our prayer time must be safeguarded; Whenever we approach the throne of His Grace, it will always be a profound and life changing experience. It is through prayer that my love for my family and my household transcends to heights I could not have reached on my own. It is through prayer that I am able to experience the Holy Spirit flowing through others. It is through prayer that I am constantly being broken down and built back up.

Honestly, I cannot even bring justice to my experiences in prayer. Thank You Lord for allowing me to be vulnerable, broken, and empty in Your presence.

How can I not be moved, Lord here with You, so have Your way in me. Lord there is just one thing that I will seek. This is my cry, my one desire. Just to be where You are Lord, now and forever. It’s more than a song, my one desire is to be with You, Jesus.

Heaviness

“Why do we go to the gym? To exercise and become stronger. When you are standing in front of the weights and you are about to lift them, you don’t expect them to be easy to lift right? Of course not! You expect them to be heavy. You expect to struggle. But after you finish your set, you will return another day and lift heavier weights. It is the same with temptations. We should never expect the temptations to be easy, they will always be hard to overcome. However, whenever we are victorious, we will be ready to face heavier temptations. We should embrace temptations joyfully and know that we will become stronger because of them.”

I honour those who are able to go to Confession immediately after they know they have sinned. It’s like applying alcohol immediately after you receive a wound (and a deep wound at that!). I have a tendency of intentionally waiting for the scheduled Confession times and I realized how cowardly I am! It would be understandable if the priest was unavailable or my schedule would not allow me to go, but the intention should be there.

Lord, grant me the humility to place the salvation of others and my own as the top priority in my life.

The Lord graciously paved a way for me to go to Confession right after I realized my sin. As I headed to the parish, I knew that the Lord would “slap me in the face,” in the way He would adjust my attitude towards my wrongs and remind me to be accountable for my actions. Honestly, there is always a small part of me that is extremely scared to own up to my actions (generally replacing accountability with excuses), because my humanity produces thoughts of the possibility that the Lord may not forgive me this time. We will never completely grasp His unconditional love for us and the length of His infinite mercy.

The priest who received my Confession gave me the spiritual direction that was mentioned in the beginning (paraphrased of course). I’ve never looked at temptation in this way. I can then look at the evil one with confidence knowing that the Lord has allowed these temptations to come my way, only as a way for me to strengthen my faith and ultimately closer to Him. Praise God for temptations.

Lord, allow me to remain steadfast in spiritual battles. May I have confidence in your never ending mercy and trust in your immense love for me. Thank You for the times that I have fallen and most especially for allowing me the grace to come back to You every time.

Soar

Often I see birds rest on telephone wires. I’ve always wondered why they choose the wire to rest on. Sometimes there are just a few, and often there are many, however I have never seen one alone. The next time you see birds on a telephone wire, observe carefully. In order that they leave, only one will fly away first. Soon after, the rest of the birds follow.

This image speaks a great deal of missionaries, trailblazers, counter-cultural Catholics, leaders, or anyone in between. We are anointed, we have been chosen. This call means that the Lord has planned for us to do great things. One of these, is to fly alone. We are called to initiate. In these moments, some may not know what we are doing, and often we ourselves won’t know what’s happening. It’ll be scary, it’ll be lonely, it’ll be hard, but only for a moment. Soon after the Lord will give us what we need to be empowered once again. He gives us our family, our household, our friends, all of those people dear to us that will support us. They will soon follow. The Lord simply wants us to trust Him; Isn’t that always what He wants from us?

I recently went on a silent retreat and we had a few hours for personal reflection. We were in the middle of nowhere and there were trails setup all around the center. Father told us that there was one trail we should not go on as it didn’t lead back to the center (apparently it went all the way to Niagara). It sounded like an adventure, so I went on that trail anyway. I travelled for an hour and a half looking for the Lord to speak to me in some way. Fearing that I would not make it back to the center in time, I said to the Lord, “Just give me something Lord, anything.” As I climbed this last hill, I arrived to see the clear skies and acres of green pastures. As I was admiring the sky, a single bird emerged from the forest.

Immediately I thought of the analogy I always use (the one mentioned above), expecting a flock of birds to follow afterwards. After a few moments, no birds followed. A few moments turned into a few minutes and before I knew it the single bird had already flown very far.

It was in this moment that I realized, sometimes there will not be others there to comfort you. Sometimes we will need to soar for a long time. We will get tired, the difficulty will grow, and there will be vast skies ahead of us. But we must never mistake this as loneliness, for the Lord is always at our side. He is in the air that raises our wings. He is in the sunlight that warms our backs. What the Lord told me was very simple.

When He calls, we must soar.

Heavenly Father, grant that I may always have full confidence in Your power, Your plan, and Your wisdom.