Author: Kleah Zara

In this past year of service I’ve been constantly reminded of the life of St. Paul. His conversion into the faith is so simple, but amazing. Once he was a “blasphemer, persecutor, and a man of violence” (1 Timothy 1:13) but today he is known for being one of the greatest saints and evangelizers. All it took was for Christ to reveal Himself to him.

But isn’t this true for all of us? Christ invites us to see Him and be present with Him. And when we accept Him in our lives, we are changed and we look towards Him; there is no one else and there is no turning back.

In today’s Gospel (Luke 6:39-42), Jesus reminds me to love, but before that, He reminds me to allow Him to love me first and to experience His love. I’m reminded that Jesus lovingly corrects me in a multitude of ways and before I dare to correct anyone else, I ought to be corrected first and repent. Just as I sin, I am in constant need of experiencing God’s love; this will help the conversion of my own heart.

I’m currently reading “Persuasive Pro-life” by Trent Horn. There are a couple of lines in it that have caught my eye (or should I say, ‘my heart’). Horn states,

In Ephesians 4:15 Paul says we must “speak the truth in love.” The most loving thing we can do for someone is to tell him the truth and prevent him from being deceived.

I understand that this is in the context of defending the unborn by providing bullet proof evidence, but I still believe that this same truth can be applied in witnessing any part of the faith. When I share about God’s love, this community, or be an advocate for my family, school, the poor, or the unborn, the only thing I’m required to do is speak truthfully and with God’s compassionate, merciful, and life-giving love.

This world is flooded with lies and these distort the truth. In my experience, the truth is like fresh air. I deeply desire it, but sometimes I fail to recognize that it exists or I think I have to work and travel far to get it. As a result of my own spiritual lukewarmness, I reduce to accepting the air that fills the media, my busy city, and my secularized school. But when I look to the lives of St. Paul and Trent Horn, I perceive them as air filters; they remove all the dirty excess and reveal the pure essence of what is true: God’s love is everything.

I look to their lives and others as a form of “Godspiration”, which is anything/anyone that reminds me to live my life for the One who created it. In being inspired, I pray that I may be a bold witness and help prevent others from being deceived in the ways that I used to be deceived. More over, I pray that the people I speak to will meet Christ in a very personal way, whether that is through me or through a different encounter.

Jesus, I pray for a humble heart, that which reflects Your own and your mother’s. Teach me how to love the way that You love me.
Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us and the whole world. Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us.
St. Paul, pray for us. Amen.

Source: http://saintland.com/rosary/

Prayer has become deeply important to me. I can’t tell you enough how good it feels to finally see how it has become a part of me, and not an exhausting daily chore.

I can still remember those days and nights when I was young, when my dad and my mom taught me how to pray. I remember them clasping their hands over mine, ensuring that our hands were always pointed towards the Heavens. I remember them giving my sisters and I a small, laminated piece of white paper with the “Our Father” prayer typed on it. I remember them showing me how to pray the rosary, and after years they looked over their shoulders to see if my hands were following the beads as we prayed together.

At the age of 12, I remember acknowledging that prayer was something I rarely did. I know this because I never became confident in praying the rosary out loud. I was always so scared to mess up in front of others. For years my prayer life was like this and as I look back, I can see that it really affected how I served in the community.

Even though I had conviction and desired for every soul to know and love God, I was very proud. I served in a “strong” way for two reasons: (1) I really did have a sincere strong love for God (2) I looked out for myself. And while the latter doesn’t seem so bad, my lack of humility caused me to always try to keep up this facade of perfect servanthood.

At the age of 16, I remember witnessing my chapter fall apart before I had said yes to becoming the chapter head. Members started becoming inactive. My closest friends stopped serving, and then they eventually became inactive. I didn’t know why I still felt called to serve, because who was left to serve? For myself, I didn’t understand why I felt like this burden was placed on my back. And so I found myself feeling guilty for what happened and I felt betrayed because I felt abandoned. I had written many unsent letters to my friends who had left. (Today I see those letters as honest cries for the Lord.)

At the age of 21, my chapter had grown and I was thankful to God that it was prudent for me to move on. After a couple of months into my new service role as Advocacy Head, I began to fall into some sort of depression, where I found myself feeling hopeless and alone. I remember laying in bed, crying, and feeling guilty for missing school. I remember feeling like I wanted to die, but I knew that that wasn’t what I really wanted.

At the age of 22, I still struggled with having a consistent prayer life but I became close to Our Lady of Sorrows and began to look to her for consolation and prayers. I learnt that even when I didn’t ask her to pray for me and my intentions, that she had always been praying for me.

Today, at the age of 23, I still find it hard to get out of bed because I’m either tired or anxious. But my thoughts in the morning are always, “Kleah, you need to pray.” And when I finally just pray, I’m in and I’m up, and I’m doing what I’m called to do.

Between the ages of 12 and 17, I was afraid to share that my prayer life was on the rocks because I was embarrassed that I could serve and evangelize, but I couldn’t hold down time for God.

Probably around the age of 18, at a CFC-Youth event, I finally shared that my prayer life was my consistent cross. After I admitted it to others, it became grounds for the Lord to come and save me.

At the age of 23, I desire nothing more than to be with Jesus in prayer, especially in Adoration. Even though, I still get anxious before I pray, I’m excited to know that I am reading His word, I am asking for His guidance and strength, and that I am listening to Him speak words of comfort to me.

“I am Yours. You are mine. I love You. You are enough.” These are the words I long to hear, and actually hear.

At the age of 23, praying is the most necessary part of my day. More than eating, more than sleeping. More than my own heart beating. My life needs to be a prayer because I want everything I do to communicate to God that I love Him, desire Him, and want to share His love with others. My hope is that I may be able to pray the rosary daily.

Praise be to Jesus and Mary.
Ad majorem Dei gloriam. God bless. <3

The Holy Family with dog (1645-1650), Bartolome Esteban Murillo

Last weekend (I am posting this entry extremely late. I’ve been editing this for almost a month now haha.) I attended my first Singles For Christ True North Conference in Winnipeg, MB. I was a little bit nervous about going because the workshop titles and descriptions led me to believe that the entire event was going to be about love, but not the type of love that I was used to hearing about in CFC-Youth. And so, I felt oddly disarmed, travelling to a gathering with this “expected” theme of marriage and courtship because I didn’t know much about either. The only things I knew about either were from observing my parents’ or CCs’ marriages, reading a few blog posts here, watching a few videos there, reading about it in the CCC, attending an SFC GA Q&A about the subject, and from personal conversations with the Lord.

Even though I admit I don’t know much about it, over the past few years I’ve come to believe that God is calling me to marriage. For now, the details of this are things I wish to keep in my own heart, but although there is this growing desire for marriage, I’ve never felt it was right for me to boldly claim this on my own. I still believe that God is continuing to unfold the deeper layers of my heart. As He reveals to me the beauty of being married and having a family, I still find myself, from time to time, imagining the glow of religious life and a life of single-blessedness, none of which would ever be too far fetch for God to will for any person.

Anyway, in relation to this conference, I really don’t believe that I thought that this conference was going to force me to confidently know that marriage was the vocation God was calling me to. I think, overall, my main concern was protecting the desires God had instilled in my heart. I wanted to ensure that when I chose a vocation that I was sincerely doing God’s will. I’ve always been afraid of making the mistake of jumping the gun and going with what is the traditional, societal expectation of women — you know, grow up and get married and that’s it. I’ve always dreamt about doing God’s will and only that.

Although I had my concerns about attending this conference, I’m very eager to share that I am extremely blessed that I went. Whatever concerns that I had regarding my vocation in the future, God has reminded me once again about living in the present and serving as a vessel of His love now. It’s funny but rarely anything I heard at conference was specific to marriage or any vocation. Even the workshop I attended was a panel of sharers from different vocations. This conference really helped me focus on the vocation that I’m currently called to — I am a single person called to love my family and one of the ways I can do that is by continuing to be active in this community of Couples For Christ.

For all those who attended this conference, I think the vast majority of us can agree that it was exactly what we needed. Everything we experienced was exactly what our hearts were longing to absorb. This conference was exactly where we needed to be at this specific point in our lives. Session after session, share after share, we journeyed together in seeing the sad reality that God’s plan for the family is being so attacked, sometimes to the extent that we have become incredibly desensitized to it. But God, the ultimate Physician, the Healer of every hurt that hits our families, has blessed the family with the community of Couples For Christ, whereby all or just one member of the family is a part of it.

For those of us who sat amongst the crowd, we witnessed, heard, and cried many tears alongside our brothers and sisters who courageously shared their stories. God’s goodness and providence shined through all of the tears like the sun after a heavy rain storm. And I think it’s important that I mustn’t forget that all of these men and women who shared their lives are members of this community. In their experience, they all have had the support of the household, the prayers of the community, and are given talks and teachings that are aligned with the Catechism of the Catholic Church in regards to family, life, marriage, sacraments, and service. These are just a few of the things that are a part of this community’s culture and the Holy Spirit is in all of it, spreading through it like wildfire. As a result families are being healed, changed, and transformed. Couples For Christ and all of its family ministries are blessed and I personally feel this greater call to share it.

I’ve had fears about inviting people to join the SFC CLP because I was scared that my friends would think weirdly of it because it is out of the “regular norm” to be part of a Catholic charismatic community. I was afraid that they didn’t want to be associated with so many Filipinos haha, and many other things, but all those fears are nonsense because none of them matter. What matters most is that people honour, serve, and love God with their own free will despite all the things that tempt them to say no to His call. My fears don’t amount to how God can really transform a person’s life, their families, the societies that they live in, the world. If I truly love those around me, then I shouldn’t withhold these people from encountering and experiencing Christ. Likewise, I must continue to pray for my own family to come back to this community or at least have service to God as a way of life.

And so I pray:

For myself and all of the CFC-Youth and SFCs in the True North, and all the members of the Couples For Christ family ministries, that we may all be a source of unity in our families and that we may boldly invite more people to be a part of this Spirit-led community. Amen.

Holy Family, pray for us.
St. Theresa, Blessed Louie Martin, Zelie Martin, pray for us.

Ad majorem Dei gloriam. God bless. <3

La Disputa, Raphael (1509-1510)

As one may have read in a previous post, I came into the CFC-Youth Western North American Conference with the only expectation that I was going to serve at whatever capacity that the Lord was willing to give me. I really had no thoughts about what sort of messages God was going to reveal to me throughout the weekend, but as I participated in the Holy Mass on Friday evening, the Lord surprised me and unveiled a question that had been buried, but was stirring vigorously in my heart, “Lord, where can I find joy?”

I had been suffering from self-doubt in my service since I applied as an MV (also something I had previously mentioned in a post), and worries and memories that I thought I had healed from began to resurface and hurt me again. But after I had asked this question, instantly, yet ever so clearly, the Lord replied,

“I am your joy.”

It was then that I realized I had become a sad person because I was searching for joy in all the wrong places, and finding and trying to hold onto fleeting moments of consolation and happiness. But the reality is, nothing in this world satisfies and fills all the thick and thin crevices of the human heart except for the One who created it. The love of God satisfies the human heart.

“God is my joy.”

A truth, which has become more than a statement that brings me peace, but is now a personal battle cry that I know this world is in need of hearing. For those who are experiencing sadness, are depressed, and seem to have every reason to doubt why they are even in existence, and for those whose situations may not even be that extreme, the answer to all that they are experiencing doesn’t stop at the Cross, but perseveres to the end and towards the belief of the resurrection and the hope of the life of the world to come.

The turmoil and the travesties that roam gladly in our minds, that real love will not win is a lie. As far as I believe, and with absolute certainty, the Love Revolution that this world craves and hungers for, begins and ends with the love of Christ. But Christ has already won; Real Love has already won — the proof is in His resurrection!

For myself, there is this continuous struggle to fight against my thoughts and my anxiety, and this undesirable hesitation that causes me to not bravely confront my own sloth. But the good news is that I’ve discovered how and where I can receive the grace to win these battles, and that is when I meet with Christ in the Sacraments. And this grace invites tremendous joy and peace, especially when I come before my Lord in the Blessed Sacrament. Now, after 4 or 5 years or so, I realize why Jesus Christ has said to me many times,

“Visit me often.”

Coming to Jesus with all of my burdens tied to my back is exhausting, but I feel like I’m released from it every time I’m with Him. And it’s not that I forget that they exist, but it’s in the way He looks at me and it’s in the way that He embraces me that makes me understand that there is nothing I can do or be that will change His love for me. Whether the load on my back cuts through my skin or causes my shoulder blades to ache for a split second, God will not and does not withhold the joy that I need to endure the weight of my own cross. The joy I receive from Him sustains and is enough for me. I am at peace knowing that my life will never be dry of joy, as a raging river of it will come each time I am in His presence.

“If you carry your cross joyfully, it will carry you.”
– Thomas A. Kempis

And so I pray that I continue to visit Christ often in the Blessed Sacrament because it is true what Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta has said,

“The time you spend with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament is the best time you will spend on earth. Each moment that you spend with Jesus will deepen your union with Him and make your soul everlastingly more glorious and beautiful in Heaven, and will help bring about everlasting peace on earth.”

Praise God, and God bless. <3

I am amazed by how loud God is when He speaks.

Today in the silence that comes with adoration, I came to God not understanding why I was feeling so inadequate, yet so overwhelmed. And it came to my realization that I desire a lot of good things, but I don’t properly divide my time nor do I prioritize what’s most important.

One minute I’m writing an email. The other minute I’m practicing guitar. The next minute I’m drawing something that I’m planning to paint. Now I’m praying. Now I’m cleaning. Now I’m staying in bed for too long. Now I’m trying to plan an event. I’m doing too many things at one time, having too many things on my mind that there’s so many things left unfinished that cause me to feel like I’m unaccomplished.

But today, God told me to do only what is necessary. And this message quickly brought a quote from St. Francis of Assisi to mind. It is:

“Start by doing what is necessary, then what is possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.”

I received the same message later when I was asking St. Joseph to pray for my family and myself, in regards to work and vocation. I got this same message to not worry, and to do only what is necessary.

Half an hour ago, I arrived in the comfort of my sister’s apartment, not really knowing what to tackle first. However, I remembered that I’m supposed to post a blog today. I had a post lined up from last week that, of course I didn’t finish yet, but then finally did, and posted it a few moments ago.

I viewed the post on the main page of the website, and I quickly scrolled past it and looked at the post below. There was God’s message to me again! The quote by St. Francis of Assisi was in Ate Isay’s post.

I don’t know what exactly to make out of all of this, but I feel very loved and embraced by God because He knows me very well to know that I need to be affirmed of His message more than once. I know that if I simply seek Him first, then the necessary will become done, and all other things will happen with His grace. God is calling me to live a simple life.

Lord, You are so generous and kind. Thank You for speaking to me and giving me the assurance that I need. <3

At last year’s TNC when they announced that the next Western Region conference was going to be held in Southern California, I was so excited that I made it a point to go. For months I deliberately said no to things I would typically buy so that I could save up for conference. It was hard for me, but I was actually doing quite well. I was saying no to materialistic items, but mostly to experiences, particularly concerts, which I grew to be very fond of going to. All in all, I was really focused on ensuring that I was doing all that I could so I could pay for conference.

But then in March (maybe?) my family said we were going on a trip to Europe, and when I heard this, of course I was excited to go to Europe with them — it was going to my first time there! — but I couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed that my efforts in saving for California were going to towards a different trip that I wasn’t planning on going to.

So while I was on my trip in Europe, which was a tremendous blessing of its own, the deadline for the WNAC was approaching and Ate Evony would ask the core group who was going. For some reason, I couldn’t find it in me to say “no, I’m not going” because I still really wanted to go even though I knew my bank account was proving otherwise.

I came back from my trip and went straight to SHOUT as I missed the first day. There at SHOUT, my CC’s and CP approached me at two different instances and asked me if I wanted to go to conference. My CC’s explained to me that they asked CFC to reallocate the budget that was supposed to go to them for conference to go towards the area heads because they were unable to attend. (For me, everything just sort of became slow and hazy haha, like that in the movies except I wasn’t overcome by harmful substances.)

But honestly, while they were sharing this information, I’m subconsciously thinking with great excitement, “WHAT IS GOING ON? AM I ACTUALLY GOING TO BE ABLE TO GO TO CONFERENCE?” I’m not showing it outwardly because I still felt distant with everything (read previous blog post), but it boggles my mind that God is incredibly providential, that He continues to give and give without delay.

I gave a resounding yes to going but I had my doubts because I felt this sense of guilt that I was going and others weren’t. So I said, ‘Let’s do an echo con and bring it back home.” But then they mentioned that there was no time for an echo con this summer. This hit me and so throughout the day I kept thinking, “I can’t go to this conference when other youth could go and experience it. I’m just serving. This is their pastoral. I’m still going to the SFC conference for my pastoral. I really don’t need to go to this one.”

That night I thought and prayed about it. The following day I approached my CCs and said that I felt like another youth should go instead of me, but they went onto say that the youth had to be over 18 years old and that they already requested to CFC that the area heads were going to go specifically. At this moment I still felt like I wasn’t supposed to go to this conference.

But then, like a sharp sword, I heard what I needed to hear in one of the sessions. In his talk, Kuya Anton mentioned that we should believe in our own anointing and in the anointing of others. And this just reminded me of what I had been struggling with for the past few months — the question of “Why me? Why am I chosen to be here? Why not somebody else, who could be doing it better than me?”

For months I kept asking myself this question, but I realized that I had very little intention of discovering the answer. But these questions soon started to formulate other one, “if God is calling me to serve in this community, why do I give Him such little faith and such little space in my heart? Am I afraid that I’m called to be here? Am I afraid that I’m not?”

And so, this brings me to today. I believe that yes, this WNAC may not be my pastoral, but this is an opportunity for me to serve God and to really allow God to speak to me and maybe give me an answer as to where He is calling me to serve Him.

It’s sort of funny, but I’m only in my fifth month as an MV and it’s already hard. The assignments are fun and not too bad, but the spiritual side to it all is actually quite intense. Before I was in the MV Program, I didn’t have second thoughts or any sort of issues in believing in my anointing, but now it’s gotten really difficult for me. To be honest, I don’t know if it’s the devil tempting me, or if it’s God who’s telling me that it’s time to move on, but I’m still holding onto the belief that there is a reason why God has instilled this desire of FTPW in my heart. And I’m going to keep fighting until I really know. Like I said, I’m only in my fifth month. It doesn’t make sense to give up now.

God bless. <3

Come, Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of Thy faithful and enkindle in them the fire of Thy love.

Send forth Thy Spirit and they shall be created.
And Thou shalt renew the face of the earth.

Let us pray. O God, Who didst instruct the hearts of the faithful by the light of the Holy Spirit, grant us in the same Spirit to be truly wise, and ever to rejoice in His consolation. Through Christ our Lord. Amen.

When I came into the SHOUT House,  I always knew I had a place in CFC-Youth Edmonton, but for some odd reason I felt distant from everyone. Maybe it was because I was gone for three weeks and was jetlagged or that I came to the SHOUT House on the second day and didn’t really know what I missed. For whatever reason it was, I felt distant and this bothered me. I tried to engage in conversation with people, tried to contribute to the tasks at hand, and I tried to complete the workshop I was asked to do, but I just lacked so much focus no matter how much I tried. It was really difficult for me to be present while feeling distant.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around what happened to me then haha, but I think what may be more important is to concentrate on the moment where all of those feelings of feeling distant vanished.

We were upstairs in the SHOUT House, going into evening worship and quickly I felt something different, and automatically I knew the presence of the Holy Spirit was there. And while I was worshiping I could sense that Mother Mary was there too. This just reminded me of Pentecost when Mother Mary and the apostles experienced the descent of the Holy Spirit in the upper room.

I don’t know how to explain it, but it was like I had encountered God again, but in a different way for a different purpose because usually when I have an encounter with God, it’s an encounter with Jesus Christ where He’s telling me that He loves me, forgives me, and longs to be with me. But this was different. God was coming to me as the Holy Spirit, empowering me to break out of this sort of complacency that I was in, reminding me of the reason why all of us were there in that upstairs… to make ready our hearts to deliberately proclaim His name.

My thoughts in this blog post are quite fragmented, but that’s because I don’t know exactly what happened in that upstairs. I am still amazed by what happened there because my mind can’t make sense of that fact that for days I felt out of it, and then — boom — one moment just brought me back in.

God is so good — He’s funny and confusing sometimes haha — but He is so good. I pray that I remember this moment because God’s love for me has sort of ‘evolved’ into something different, even though I know His love remains the same.

Thank You Lord for blessing me and giving me the opportunity to serve You. I pray that I may give You glory and that everything I do pleases You. I ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen.