Author: Kleah Zara

May 2, 2016

“When I suffer that is when I feel closest to Christ. How great it would be to always suffer, so that I’m always close to Him.”

After this thought came into my head, right away I thought it was weird, haha. I never saw myself brave enough to suffer willingly. And I still don’t. How can I be courageous when I’m afraid of discomfort? What kind of person wants to undergo hardship and experience loss or despair?

The desire to suffer is something I would like to work on because God knows how difficult it has been for me to surrender the little things in every day life. Thankfully I have an idea — but not yet fully understand — how someone might desire to suffer. Two women, who many perceive as modern day saints, come to mind: Blessed Mother Teresa and Mother Angelica.

For many years, Blessed Mother Teresa experienced tremendous darkness and loneliness, so much that she once asked if there was even a God. Despite her suffering, she remained steadfast in her faith and service as she continued to do the work that God called her to do. She did this obediently until her final days.

For Mother Angelica, who is known for being the foundress of EWTN, she had been sick for a long while but she wanted to remain alive for as long as she could. Mother Angelica told those close to her to tell her doctor to do whatever it takes to keep her alive. Initially we might think that she wanted to live longer because she feared death, but this wasn’t the case. Mother Angelica wanted to stay alive so that she could suffer another day for Jesus.

“I wish I could desire to always suffer for God, but I don’t think I’m even at all capable of it. How may I suffer for You, Lord?”

This thought followed the first thought.

For as long as I can remember, whenever I prayed God always spoke so loudly and clearly. Whenever I asked Him a question, He would give me a straight answer. The answers didn’t always satisfy my small human intellect, but they always drew in so much comfort and consolation.

For the past two months, I’ve struggled in my prayer life because I can no longer hear God’s sweet voice nor feel like He’s near me. While I’m in mass or adoration, I cannot feel God’s presence even though I know He is present. Perhaps this is how God has called me to suffer? To hate this misalignment between what my mind knows to be true and what my heart desires to feel.

I prayed the Divine Mercy novena and was inspired to believe that maybe Jesus is asking me to understand the souls who do not know Him, but suffer deeply with them because they long for Him. If this may be the case, let His will be done.

I have met Jesus in times of joy, trial, and victory and He has been everything I’ve needed in those situations. And it is the memory of His embrace that encourages me to continue to serve Him. Although I may not feel His presence, I do not need to worry because I know He is with me.

In some mysterious way, I have His peace because although I am experiencing a spiritual “dryness”, I find that my prayer life has become more consistent and perhaps more sincere. God has been very faithful to me in this time, not only in my prayer life, but by also giving me the grace to see Him in ways and places that I would have never thought.

In March my family and I went to Los Angeles for a trip. We were only in the city for a few days so we made sure to visit Venice Beach. The weather was not the best on that day, as it was incredibly windy. But strangely enough, that is where I saw God. He painted the sky and the ocean in a way that reminded me of one of my favourite artworks, Perseverance by Thomas Kinkade. At the time, I knew God was telling me to persevere in my darkness, and this gave me hope that I would hear and feel Him again.

The Desire to Suffer – Part 2

I had an awesome childhood growing up. I had (still have) the best family who loved me and extraordinary friends to play with in my neighbourhood and school. Although I had amazing people in my life, there were some people who didn’t like me very much. These people went at great lengths to let me know that.

In grade one, I belonged to a grade 1/2 split class. I sat in the front row and loved coming to school because I enjoyed reading, writing, all things to do with art, doing math problems, and learning about science. That was until I started to get bullied by two of my classmates in the upper grade.

I remember on Valentine’s Day one of my best friends gave me a fuzzy heart sticker that lost its stickiness. Regardless, I accepted the gift with gratitude because I loved receiving gifts from her since she often gave me gifts out of the blue. One of my favourite gifts from her was the thickest colouring book I had ever seen. 🙂

Anyhow, there was a girl who sat right behind me. She came to my desk and commanded me to give her the sticker. I said no, so she punched me in the stomach, pulled my hair, and sat back in her seat before my teacher could see anything. I could feel tears swell up in my eyes as the pain in my stomach increased. I don’t remember telling my teacher. Why? I can’t really say. Maybe I was afraid. This girl continued to bully me throughout the school year.

That same school year there was a boy who sat on my right. He often bugged me and teased me. I don’t remember what conversations we had, but I remember he would physically hurt me when my teacher’s back was turned towards us. He would punch me and kick me. I didn’t tell my teacher either.

I remember walking home one day with my sisters. It was a cold winter’s day and the sky was a deep grey. The snow was piled high that every time I took a step, my boots would sink and the snow would press against my knee as I leaned forward. At the edge of a school yard was a hill that my sisters and I would walk up together. It felt like a normal day until I got pushed to the ground.

It was the boy from my class. He began punching me and kicking me. My sisters — bless them — defended me and yelled at him to stop. Eventually he left me alone and my sisters raised me up from the ground. I cried all the way home because I was hurt, my face was covered with snow, and I was embarrassed for what had happened. When I arrived home my sisters told my parents. The next day, that boy was moved to the back of the class.

In the second grade, I remember winning the book fair poster contest. This contest sort of became my thing as I won almost every year after that haha. It was seriously LIFE for me haha. Anyhow, the prize that year was $10 cash to spend on anything at the book fair. After I had received the prize I put it into my pants’ back pocket.

When I decided I wanted to go to the book fair I reached into my pocket, I discovered that the money was gone. I searched and searched everywhere for the money, but to my dismay was unable to find it. I started to cry and my teacher came to me with concern. She talked to the class and said that if they found the money to give it to me right away.

It was a spring day. The sun was shining, but I was sad because it was the last day of the book fair. The money wasn’t turned in, so I couldn’t buy anything. I remember walking home with my sisters and as we were walking over and down that same hill, I heard someone calling out my name. I turned around. It was that same boy who bullied me from the last school year. He was in my second grade class as well. There he was, running towards me on the other side of the street, waving his arms with an envelope in his hands.

He yelled, “Kleah! I have your $10! I’m sorry!”

I was relieved that the money was found, but I felt embarrassed by the situation so I told him I’d get it from him the next day, which I did. With God’s grace, this boy and I eventually became friends.

These are the stories I have about my personal experience with getting bullied. Although I’m now 24 years old I can still vividly remember exactly what went down when I was 5 and 6 years old. Why am I sharing this right now?

I am proud to be a part of CFC-Youth and this entire community of Couples For Christ because at this year’s Regional Youth Conference, we have outwardly made it our business to stand up and empower youth to defend those who are getting bullied. Sometimes we may make jokes about bullying, but there is nothing funny about it when you’re the victim.

I am proud that youth in the Mountain Region have been taught/reminded that it is not okay to bully anyone. One of my favourite moments from this year’s RYC was when our emcees, Jalen and Justine, walked into the crowd and asked a young CFC-Youth from Calgary, named Myka, what he learnt from Karla’s session, Be Bold.

He exclaimed, “It is one thing to be a bully. It’s another to defend a bully.”

The crowd of 400+ youth cheered loudly at what he said. And for good reason. This was a victory in itself because there is nothing good about bullying and there is nothing good about being a bystander. No person, whatever age they are or wherever they are, should experience getting bullied. I say this, not just out of personal experience, but out of love for the youth of today because there are now more ways for them to get bullied.

Cyberbullying is one of these ways. As a person of faith, I learnt that I can’t make excuses and say that youth can avoid being cyberbullied by not being online. The fact is, if they are not getting bullied online, then there is probably a great likelihood that they will get bullied in person. Whichever way that these youth are getting bullied, none of them are appropriate.

It is a blessing to be a part of CFC-Youth Mountain because of the sheer fact that we have all learnt that we need to love as God loves us, to be bold in our faith, and in every situation to defend those who are being mistreated. I was blessed to have a family to defend me and friends who loved me, but not all people are that lucky. Many people are/feel alone and do not have friends. Those who get bullied are vulnerable and deserve to be reminded that God loves them, that they have the same dignity as everyone around them, and that God can and will raise them up from their suffering.

God is so good. Ad majorem Dei gloriam.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
nor are your ways my ways, says the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
– Isaiah 55:8-9

For anyone who has ever served in the Program Committee at any CFC-Youth conference, you know that sticking to the Director’s tech script and the schedule are key. But what happens when things don’t go according to the tech script/schedule, or to our own plans? What are we supposed to do? How are we supposed to respond?

This past weekend, CFC-Youth Mountain celebrated another victory for the Lord at this year’s Regional Youth Conference. But for myself, the victory wasn’t easily recognized.

After we celebrated the Holy Mass, we jumped right into opening worship led by Yan Fournier, CFC-Youth Calgary HSB Program Head. Everyone was worshiping loudly and with so much joy, but then all of a sudden the power went completely out. The gym was black, the music min could not be heard, the projectors shut off, and everyone was so stunned that they thought it was all done on purpose.

After a few seconds, everyone from the Program Committee looked at their stations and at one another with concern. What just happened? Left and right, service team members and CCs began to scramble, trying to fix the problem. We needed the power to come back on.

For myself, I ran up and down the venue trying to help find the breaker, trying to help in whatever way that I could in letting people know that everything was going to be okay. After five to ten minutes or so they eventually found the custodians and found the breaker. They were doing all that they could to get the power to come back on and right away. I walked around the gym once more and I headed back up to the tech booth area with relief, and stood there watching and listening to everyone worship.

As I was standing and subconsciously singing the worship lyrics aloud, I noticed some things that I hadn’t really recognized at first: 500 people were still worshiping with their whole hearts, but louder and with a greater extension of their body’s extremities; the music min was still playing their instruments and singing, but with greater physical strength, in hope that the people might hear; and there, on the centre of the stage, amongst the sea of darkness, was a single spotlight miraculously shining on Yan, who was still leading everyone into worship, but with greater conviction.

In awe, I asked God, “Why is this happening?”

Immediately I was reminded that His ways are not our ways. They are above us. They are above me. Personally, I realized that I wasn’t fully ready for this RYC. Yes, I prayed daily, went to mass days prior, went to the sacrament of reconciliation, and spent some time in adoration. But God wanted even more for me. He wanted me to be truly centred in Christ and to stop worrying about all the things that were still left undone.  God wanted me to rest in Him, to trust Him, and to be still. So that is what I did. I stood still, I trusted God, I smiled with gratefulness, and I worshipped Him.

In the CFC culture of worship, it is always two fast songs, and one slow song, but we needed to buy more time, so we extended the worship by another slow song. The power was slowly coming back, but it wasn’t complete.

After the worship, we sent the youth and CC delegates to go out of the main gym. After 5-10 minutes or so, the power was back on and everyone in the Program Committee was back on track. Praise God!

Encouraged by the Holy Spirit, I posted on Facebook, “Even if the lights and the power go out, we know that You Lord are the light of the world and the All-powerful. #ONEmountain”

At the end of all of the chaos, we found ourselves 40 minutes to 1 hour behind schedule. However with God’s goodness and grace, we were able to get right back on schedule with the tech script, but this time with a renewed recollection that humility and trust in God are essential in service.

Ad majorem Dei gloriam.

I sometimes imagine what my life would be like if I wasn’t ever part of the CFC-Youth/SFC community. I sometimes think that my life would be easier and maybe a little more care free, but, I wonder, would my life be fulfilling? Would I know that God exists? Would I know that I am loved? Would I see people, especially my family and the poor, differently? Would I fight for a woman’s “right” to access abortion? Would I go through life trying to excel or to simply get by? Would the media and consumerism possess me?

I’ve learnt some of the most basic, yet most valuable teachings and lessons in this community about the Catholic faith and how it applies to life. Personally, this has been a huge blessing because I’ve never attended a Catholic school. Before I joined the community, my only sources for any sort of Catholic education have been my parents and mass. As an 11 year old, I didn’t think or care to grow a relationship with my parents and, at mass, I think I got easily distracted that I didn’t learn much. When I was younger I studied, did well in school, watched TV, volunteered, took numerous naps, and played with friends, but that was about it. My life was about doing what I needed to do to not get into trouble and to make myself feel happy, and if others felt happy that was a bonus. But then I met Christ at a CFC-Youth camp, and everything changed.

Today I think about Christ more than anyone else. Actually, maybe I think about myself a lot more haha, but that’s just me being selfish or self-absorbed sometimes, but even when I think about myself, I’m always somehow led to think about Christ alone, and then everyone else. I think about how my life can be used as an instrument for God’s glory and I see myself as a vessel by which others can experience God’s great love for them. There is a change in me from when I was younger, and it’s that I intentionally seek to serve others, not because it’s easy or that it makes me feel better about myself, but because I can see that there is always a great need to love with God’s love.

This entire post stems from a thought I’ve had for these past few months: How different would my life be if I never experienced worship?

I can barely play an instrument and I sing randomly because I enjoy it — but wow, how I would be missing out on not knowing how it feels to extend my arms and hands, and to clap and sing loudly for Someone who loves me unconditionally? It seems so unimaginable to me to ever think that music and God would never come together in such a way that we have in this community. Worship is an incredible part of CFC’s charism. Worship is a form of prayer. It is twice praying!

How does this thought relate to everything that I’ve said thus far?

Well, if I can’t imagine a life without worship, what more is it if I can’t imagine a life without God?

God has done great things for me in this community. I know who I am. I know I am loved. I know that I’m called to love on God’s terms and not my own. There is no greater, no more useful, no more important news than this: God has always existed, has died but has resurrected from the dead, is alive, loves every single person regardless of their sins, and wants nothing more than to have a relationship with each of us. And, not by coincidence, our hearts long for this relationship too. Our hearts are restless until they rest in You.

This leads me to say that evangelization is extremely important in these times. It concerns me that people in my classes do not believe in God or do not see that God is good. It alarms me that lukewarmness in faith, acceptance of injustice, and relativism are growing more and more in this world. As CFC-Youth and SFC members, we may all be young, but we’ve seen and experienced God’s transforming love in this community. How great has God been to us for blessing us with people to journey with, to affirm us of our growth, to correct us where we’ve failed?

What we know about the family, the poor, the gift of life, and the Church are things that may be ordinary to all of us in the community. But, it’s not ordinary in actuality. Everything we know that pertains to the Catholic faith is extraordinary because it’s guided by the Holy Spirit. Not all people know what we know nor have they experienced what we’ve experienced, but once they do, I bet they will think it is either nonsense or that it is special. But imagine when it comes to that point, where they recognize the specialness of the community and the Catholic faith; their entire life could change in an instant or it could be the start of a new life, just as it has in all of ours.

What do we fear for ourselves and for others if we don’t ask them to join the community or to come to mass with us? What have they got to lose when Christ is the prize?

Service to God can come in various forms, but in all forms, love is necessary. To love someone is to seek the greatest good for them, and there is no greater good than the All-good God. Therefore, if we say we love someone then we should also say that we’ve done our part in inviting them to grow in a relationship with Christ. Yes, there are billions of people in this world but God wants all of them to have a relationship with Him. Until all of us are in Heaven with God, there will always be a great need to love with God’s love. There will always be the need to love our families, care for the poor, heal the sick, become friends with our enemies, to defend those whose voices have been silenced, and to share the Good News and evangelize.

God bless. <3

God is the Giver of all good things.

Thank You Lord for the opportunities You’ve given me to love, serve, and help others in any way. Thank You for the gift of the Church, my family, my friends, and this community. Thank You for allowing me to go to school, work, and to vote in the upcoming federal election. Thank You for the times that I’ve suffered, for they have strengthened me. Thank You for the times of joy; they continue to give me hope for the life that You want for me.

God, You are good all the time.

As abrupt as it sounds: I hate sinning. I can see that sin hurts me, hurts others, and hurts God. How I deeply desire not to sin.

I’ve gained a watchful eye, that is, I’ve become more self-aware of where and when I have honoured God purposely, which causes me then to also acknowledge where I haven’t. When I find myself distracted from doing the Lord’s will in my daily life or even before I go about doing something that requires much concentration, my prayer is often: “Lord, I pray that I do not sin.”

I say this prayer out of fear, not just because I’m afraid that my actions and words can hurt others because they have before. But one of the main reasons why I say this prayer is because I hate offending and hurting God in the same way over and over again. It hurts when I am not faithful to Him. I’m not sure if others can understand or relate, but it seems very unnatural to sin because I feel as if I’m not being my full self. I feel whole when I’m one with God, but each time I sin, I feel like I am building up a wall between God and myself. And this accumulation of walls makes me feel distant from God. Even though I know and believe God is near me all the time, sinning causes me the inability to “sense” Him and this is what scares me.

I’ve realized that in some ways I have taken advantage of the gift of reconciliation. How many times have I sinned and said that it was okay to sin because I could go to confession? How wrongly have I seen confession as a repetitious activity that I do only when my heart is too heavy to hold? I say this prayer because it helps me avoid the sin and helps me see the simple goals that God wants me to fulfill. Of course, I still fail because I’m imperfect, but each time I say this prayer the Lord extends His merciful hand upon me.

I can sense Him untangling the anxiety that builds in my heart. I can sense Him reconfiguring my mind to believe in and use His strength. I can sense Him waving over to His angels and appointing them to protect me. I can sense Mother Mary and the saints praying for me because I receive God’s grace to do good that I know I would never be able to do alone. God looks at me mercifully, and sees me as a child who only wants His help and He does everything and gives me everything I need in order to do what He wants me to do. Again, I still fail (a lot) but now I’m aware that God’s help comes in abundance even though I have this tendency to sin.

______

Today I was having a conversation with someone and I don’t think it was a surprise that it dawned on me that the family continues to be attacked. In a good way, it bothered me because there was this sincere desire in me to help families and help heal them, and to guide youth, in particular, into looking forward to God’s plan for them in and outside of their families. After all of these years of being in CFC-Youth and SFC, this community has taught me that the family needs renewal in the Holy Spirit and that it needs healing. I know God is calling me to be a part of this mission of helping families, but the details of how and to what extent are unknown to me.

I do not know if going full-time in this community is where and how God wants me to serve, but as I continue to discern in the MV program, I pray that this prayer of not wanting to sin helps me to be more open to God, especially since I’ve been distracted in my discernment. I’m graduating from school in December, and I continue to focus a lot on having good grades and finding a secure job after graduation, with the hope of helping my own family. These things, although very good, make it difficult to discern because the actions they require consider a lot of urgency, which is why I really rely on God through this prayer.

It’s sort of weird to say, but I simply don’t have time to sin. As I journey, God is bringing me to this pinnacle and it’s beautiful because I can see the many different things God may want for me. But it’s all coming to me at once and I need to be able to give attention to each thing excellently, definitely including this discernment, so that I can properly discern about how God wants me to serve the family.

Discernment is hard, but it’s very fruitful and very life-giving because it’s God who I continue to become closer with. I look forward (but I hope I can be patient) to when I can hear God’s call clearly. So far in my prayers, God continues to only be clear about one thing; He tells me to love and He will, in His time, reveal the details. “Love is in the details. God is in the details.” — something that I tweeted this past week. Although it seems like God is taking His sweet time haha, I believe He is helping me develop an understanding of what my true desires are. And it’s scary that He keeps unfolding something new to me, but it’s exciting because it’s an adventure with Him. Even though I find myself worried and complaining about school and what not, I think I’m happy where I am. Life is very difficult, but God is always good and this gives me the greatest joy and consolation.

God bless. <3

Holy Family, pray for us.
St. Thomas Aquinas, pray for us.
St. Therese of Lisieux, pray for us.
St. Michael the Archangel, defend and protect us.

The message that I keep getting affirmed of, especially this past week, is to:

1. Just be honest with God
2. Ask for whatever it is that you want

God already knows the desires of our hearts. Even though we may not receive what it is that we ask for (yet), God will always give us more and He will exceed our expectations.

For any of us who seem to be waiting a “really long time” for an answer or something of the sort, God is sure to respond to the child who continues to ask Him profusely. May we all be that child and be open to hearing and seeing the gifts that God has already given us.

Thanks be to God. <3