Author: Kaye Baylon

I’ve always had a longing for home. I can remember, even when I was little, thinking to myself, I wanna go home. Sometimes I’ll be on the skytrain after a long day, sometimes I’ll be in the middle of a party, sometimes I’ll be laying in bed. There is just a deep, longing feeling inside for someplace else. And though I love my house, my family, my friends, there is something more out there, and I know it.

And I’m pretty sure I could go anywhere in the world and still feel this feeling. I know that there is no place on this Earth that could satisfy this craving for home. I could be incredibly comfortable, feel incredibly loved, but there would still be more.

I used to people watch during Mass a lot, which is tough because my mom always wants to sit in the front. For years I would focus on daydreaming, and other people’s shoes, and what people were wearing, for that one hour. Then one day I decided to actually participate in the Mass. And then I found it.

That moment, during the Eucharistic prayer, when the priest holds up the bread. And you know. You know it’s going to turn into Christ. And inexplicably there are butterflies in your stomach, an excitement that no other can match, like coming home after a long rainy day, or seeing someone you love after years apart – but not even close. And then Christ appears. And it is better than any fairy tale because This Guy literally died for you, and He literally lived for you. And then, that longing for home, it’s gone, because this is it. Because everything good on Earth could envelop you and it would be nothing in comparison to that small piece of bread that is our Lord and Saviour.

Earth is tough, I get lost easily and I scare easily. It’s big, and there are so many choices to make. But I know He has a plan for me here, which is greater than my imagination could ever consider. I know He calls me to do so many things and go to so many places in His name. But I know that He is constantly whispering to me, to remind me that we are not meant for here. And I do know that all my heart has been searching for is Him.

There’s been a lot of desperation in my heart recently. As my term as an MV comes to a close, I want to be sure of the calling God has for me at this time in my life. My heart races when I think about it. About making a decision. I feel like I’m drowning because I can’t figure things out.

And when I feel that deep, dark pit in my stomach, the feeling of my lungs filling with water, my heart pounding and my thoughts racing – I remember one of my absolute favorite stories: when Jesus calmed the storm.

“One day He got into a boat with His disciples, and He said to them, “Let us go across to the other side of the lake.” So they put out, and while they were sailing He fell asleep. A windstorm swept down on the lake, and the boat was filling with water, and they were in danger. They went to Him and woke Him up, shouting, “Master, Master, we are perishing!” And He woke up and rebuked the wind and raging waves; they ceased, and there was a calm. He said to them, “Where is your faith?”
– Luke 8:22-25

I know my answer. And it scares me. I will honestly cry, just thinking about it. But who am I to be afraid? Who am I to think that the Lord will not take care of me in the storm? Who am I to ask the Lord to save me, when I have already been saved?

That fear, those racing thoughts and pounding heart, they are nothing. My God is greater. And that feeling, the panic – it isn’t fear. It is simply a deep longing for our God. Regardless of the outcome is from this MV program for me, I have learned one thing – I’m desperate for Him.

The past week has been so hectic. Fall semester started, new friends have moved in a few blocks away, a couple MVs (and their friend) are visiting, and there are still one on ones, regular service meetings, general assemblies and CFC-Youth events, plus family gatherings and celebrations and planning meetings. I am pooped.

But God has really shown me that I am so well taken care of and loved. It has been so obvious that His love for me is unbounded and never-failing. He has shown His face through the love of my brothers and sisters, and for this, I am truly grateful. I already know this semester is going to be hard – I have five fourth-year courses with demanding workloads. And for the past few weeks I have been so fearful. I have been so unsure that I will be able to make it through successfully. But God has made it clear that through Him, I can do all things.

My God is everywhere – in the laughter during late nights under the stars, in singing in the middle of public parks, in gatherings around the snack table, and in my studies. His love conquers all fears and fills all the darkness. And with Him I will make it through.

IX

You Speak – Audrey Assad

Sometimes I am dumb. I forget that the Lord is not like people. Sometimes I serve simply for others – because others are happy with results. But our God doesn’t work that way. He is happy with you. When you serve whole heartedly and with love, regardless of the outcome, He is happy with you.

A lot of the time I work only on the outward me. I focus on the service that others see. But God asks for more that what people see, because He sees the real you – the true you – all of you. A lot of the time I am frustrated and angry with all the chaos that builds up inside myself because I am trying so hard to please everyone else. It pushes out my prayer time and love for others.

But work is just work, and it is nothing if there is no one to do it for. God calls us to love Him and to love His people. That is the work. And I think in my discernment it is the same. I discern for what other people want of me. What does everyone else need? But, the question really is, what does God need from me?

In the silence of my heart Lord, speak.

You liberate me from my own noise and my own chaos
From the chains of a lesser law, You set me free

The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light; but if your eye is unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!

Matthew 6:22-23

When I was young I denied that my eyesight was going bad. I denied it for months. Finally, when I couldn’t stand it anymore (I was failing almost every subject because I couldn’t see the blackboard and projector screen), I went to the eye doctor. A few days later I got glasses.

And I remember walking outside for the first time. I had to keep taking them off and putting them back on, I couldn’t believe that this is what things really looked like. I could see every leaf on the tree. All the petals and flowers in the garden. Every cloud in the sky. I remember kicking myself in the butt for denying myself of all this beauty for so long.

It’s the same with my sins. I think one of the best and worst parts about me is that I’m very aware of what’s going on. When I sin, it’s not by accident or because I didn’t know better. I know. I don’t accidentally break a fast. I just straight up break it. I don’t make bad decisions because of the situation I’m in or the stress that I’m under. I just straight up make bad decisions. I don’t just get caught up in the moment and talk bad about others, I formulate my words and thoughts and let out my judgements and anger. And I know it. And I know what the consequences of my actions will be. And I still do it.

But I also know, 100%, that there is something greater out there. I know that there has been a place prepared for those who love our God. And I know that if I keep refusing to see the beauty and glory all around me, I’m gonna miss out.