Author: Hannah Marie Roca

January 31, 2014
Luke 5:4
9:11 am Montreal Time
Montreal – Trudeau Airport

Three weeks ago, I received the call.

Now, I am at Montreal-Trudeau Airport leaving for The Philippines.

As I stood infront of the American customs, I went around to give my hugs and kisses to my aunt,

my childhood best-friend,

my old counterpart,

my boyfriend,

my sister,

and

my mom.

I held each of them with such love and great peace in my heart.

As I walked towards customs with my huge bag-pack, my travel pillow, and my duffle…

I ran back to hug Jesse, continued walking and

looked back at my mom and Alyssa, continued walking again and

looked back to give my final goodbyes.

I will miss them.

I was surprised at the fact that I did not shed a tear. It might have been because I was filled with joy that I did not have time to cry, or my great trust in The Lord which allowed me to feel comfort rather than sadness.

As I continued walking to customs, I smiled and heard The Lord whisper to me

“My Child, Go Out Into The Deep!”

And so I did.

I knew that, this is not the first time The Lord will take care of me. At that moment at the airport, I was able to truly experience a complete sense of comfort, security, and confidence in The Lord. I realized that if it is The Lord who has called me, it will also be The Lord who will take care of me and my loved ones. Why worry about something that The Lord has already been taking care of during the past 25 years.

This will be my first time taking the plane alone without my family or Jesse.
This will also be my first time experiencing God’s infinite love away from them.

This will be the first time I will be
The farthest from the ones I love.
This will also be my first time experiencing how physical distance will allow me to be most intimate with The Lord and most closest with my loved ones.

This will be the first time I will be away for this long.

This will also be my first time experiencing God’s perfect time instead of mine.

I am not leaving behind, but instead

carrying with me…

My mission partner

My mission family

The mission The Lord has prepared for me

He has called me to go out into the deep.
And so it begins…

Come Holy Spirit, Come Holy Spirit, Com Holy Spirit 

Empty me fully, So I may be used by You, O Lord Completely.

Make me an instrument.

Amen 🙂

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

The First Fall

As I sit by the window of the Tea Shop by my now Alma Mater
 I glance quickly at my surroundings
 Everyone sipping on tasty residues of dried up flower, leaf, or even fruit or whatever it may be

I choose a root
 Ginger
 As I sip the hot beverage
 I immediately feel the heat going down my throat

I look out the window
 Another story is being told

My attention shifts

My eyes catches a feather-like item stuck on the glass window
 Frost
 I look further past the window and
 I witness my first Montreal snow fall of the season
 The pavement is glistening
 Each snowflake
 Falls on the ground
 Slowly creating a fluffy layer
 I can see the wind blowing
 As the trees bellow back and forth

My attention shifts back

Inside
 My earphones in each ear
 My computer open
 Many windows, programs running
 I am in the middle of a Skype planning with Ottawa
 I am reminded of
 Where my heart first experienced mission
 Where The Lord is constantly reminding me to

"Be on your guard,
 Stand firm in the faith
 Be courageous
 Be strong
 Do all things with
 Love"

Where every preceding experience, journey and challenge has brought me
 Here
 At this very moment

At a Tea Shop
 Sipping some tea
 Looking out
 And watching
 The first fall
 With all the anxieties, challenges, and fears that come with the first fall
 But also the beauty of it
 Seeing it happen before my very eyes
 Allows me to either continue watching it fall
 or
 Jump in to experience it.

---

Friday, November 29, 2013

Getting Up

As I sit on a wooden bench at the bus station
 I notice the
 Layers of snow glistening from the first fall last Tuesday

I am mesmerized by the idea that every layer of the icy white dust
 Becomes no longer a layer but a part of the snow bed

Ottawa
 Is where I am heading
 Bundled with layers I was told to wear

The bus parks infront of the station
 I grab my bags
 And head toward the steps
 Of the rectangular, logged shaped vehicle with windows
 That I will be travelling in
 Every step brings me closer to the reality that awaits me

To the Heart

----

Saturday, November 30, 2013

The Stand

I stand in front of new and old faces
 Leaders,
 So young...but have been there for years
 Leaders,
 New...but filled with so much excitement and hope
 Both groups present
 Clinging on to the passion and goals of the following year

I am inspired
 By the tulips

 As I bask in the presence of each tulip
 I recognize the uniqueness, the vibrance, and the essence
 That each one brings
 Tulips are said to symbolize
 A perfect, true, and passionate love
 For the Lord
 Has called me to be present
 And to be reminded that
 This is the love that I should seek
 Which is in Him

Small Area
 Big Heart

This is where the Lord has placed me in the past year and a half
 He has placed me
 In the HEART
 Of our most beautiful country
 Ottawa

The Spirit is Strong

Is moving
 Is growing
 Is blooming

As I left the Year Planning
 As I left Ottawa
 All I prayed was
 "The HEART...please keep beating"

-----

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Home

Sunday morning I left Ottawa
 Heading back to Montreal
 Hoping to catch the last bit of our Year Planning

As I walked slowly to the bus
 I couldn't believe what I witnessed just a few hours ago
 Though, they may not know
 But THE HEART (Ottawa) has played a huge part in my journey
 And will always do

As I walked up
 Each step bringing me closer to the reality that awaits me

I take a seat near the window
 Immediately as I sat down
 I looked out
 And saw
 Snow falling from the sky
 So beautifully,
 So calmly, and
 So timely.

I thought to myself
 Each layer matters in the present bed of snow
 Now, there will a new coat of snow
 Once I reach Montreal

2 hours later
 As I stepped out of the bus
 I had the luxury to soak my boots
 Onto the fresh layer of snow

As I walked,
 I looked back and noticed imprints
 My footprints following me in the snow
 I smiled

I reached the venue of the Montreal Year Planning
 I was standing at the door
 Hoping to get there in time
 I heard music playing & hands clapping
 It could only mean one thing

Tita opened the door for me
 Gave me a hug and said
 "You're just in time"
 I was in awe of how perfectly the Lord works

I stepped into the room
 Surrounded by music

My heart melted
 This was my home for 13 years
 Overwhelmed with everything
 The Lord reminded me that

This is the same Spirit
 The same Spirit I witnessed in Ottawa
 The same Spirit I experience at every Conference
 The same Spirit I felt 13 years ago at my first camp
 The same Spirit the people felt more than 2000 years ago

The Spirit is Strong

The mission continues,
 Physically present or not

I am comforted by the words of our God
 And so I sing
 Amongst the brothers & sisters that I love...
 In worship.

Amen :)

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

At the beginning of my second year as a MV, my mentor suggested for me to be desperate before The Lord and beg for answers. I felt that there was still something in my heart that The Lord wanted me to know before He threw me into the deep. There was a missing piece in my heart that was hindering me.
It was at the MV SHOUT where…
The Lord revealed to me His heart.
His most precious and Sacred Heart.

He was calling my heart to long to be as sacred as His.

I knew in my mind and in my heart that
It wasn’t fully possible for my heart to be as sacred as His.
So I thought to myself…
“How would He affirm me if I was on the right track?”
“How do you measure the ‘sacredness’ of one’s heart?”

BY PUTTING ALL THE PIECES TOGETHER.

Two weeks ago I witnessed a Baptism & the beauty of a Marriage.
The Guloys…our previous Couple Coordinators (Previously Montreal Area Heads back in the day) are blessed with a third child, Kyle. We celebrated his Baptism and welcomed him into the Catholic Community.
This was a sign of their fruitful marriage.

As I watched them surround baby Kyle at the altar…I couldn’t help but sense a a strong presence of joy!
Joy was truly present that day.

The next day, I went to a family Thanksgiving dinner. Our families decided to come together, enjoy each others’ company, and eat good food! At the same time this was an opportunity for us to also spend time with our uncle who has decided to move to the Maritimes and become a Trappist Monk.
The cousins sat around him asking if he was excited and why he decided to dedicate the rest of his life living such an extreme lifestyle.
He just smiled…
and told us that that there was always a piece of his heart that knew that he was called for this.
This is where God was meeting him, calling him to live a life of work and prayer.

His expression of love is to glorify The Lord in everything he does.
Love was truly present that day.

A few days after…I experienced Reconciliation.
It was a whole different experience this time around.
I usually go by myself.
This time…Jesse & I both went.
It’s been a while since we went to confession together…we would usually have to plan it out.
This time we didn’t even discuss that we were going to go…we both just knew.
Experiencing the state of Grace with others is so much more beautiful!

There was peace in my heart.
Peace was truly present that day.

On Sunday I was able to witness a Confirmation at the Mass I attended that evening. It was a special Mass celebrated by the Auxiliary Bishop of Montreal. As the new confirmed man professed the beliefs of the Creed, I was overwhelmed by how strong the Spirit was.

A grown man coming to The Church is a true sign of faithfulness.
Faith was truly present that day.

But, today was a special day.

I was heading to meet up with my coworkers for dinner,
but they told me that they didn’t end up staying at the restaurant and had already left. I was already in town…so I decided to go to Mass at my favourite place,

Sanctuaire du Saint-Sacrement ( Sanctuary of the Blessed Sacrament)
in the heart of Mont Royal.

As I walked into the church…they just finished singing the opening hymn
So I scurried to get a seat.
I was sitting towards the middle in the back.
One of the reasons why I love coming here for Mass is because the
Sisters/Brothers of Jerusalem sing every part of the Mass…but in French.
It is so beautiful.
Another reason as to why I love coming here is because the Sisters randomly Chooses someone from the congregation to bring up
The Body & Blood
Just a few minutes before the offertory.
Ever since I’ve been attending this Mass I’ve always wanted to bring it up.
I never got the chance.
It’s like a secret wish that I carry in my heart every-time I go to Mass there.

I was sitting near the back…
and I thought to myself, maybe next time I should come a few minutes early and sit near the front so that my chances of getting chosen would be greater!

When it came time for the offertory, I saw the Sister peer from the side of her seat and looked into the congregation. I was curious to see who she would ask.
She walked down the aisle,
As if she was looking for someone she knew
Stopped
And kept walking…
I was looking ahead to see who could it be.
I thought we locked eyes
but she was looking at the person a few seats infront from me…
So I turned away.

A few seconds later I felt a tap on my shoulder.

I smiled & nodded.

My heart leaped.

As we were lining up…She handed me the bread to carry up.
I looked at it and I couldn’t believe I was carrying the soon-to-be Jesus in my hands!

Why me? Why me? Why me?

And all I heard The Lord say was…

Why not? Why not? Why not!

After I received the Holy Eucharist.
I knelt back down in my pew.
And it was then when I realized what just happened.

THE PIECES CAME TOGETHER.

I realized where I was.
Amongst the sacred of all sacreds.
The Sanctuary of the Blessed Sacrament.

A Sanctuary in its original meaning, is known as a sacred place.
The Sacraments were considered signs of sacred things.
The Latin word sacramentum means “a sign of the sacred”

The Lord was surrounding me with sacredness. And affirming me in my anointing.
At that moment I was affirmed that the way to sacredness is by witnessing, experiencing, and participating in the Sacraments. In hindsight I realized what the Lord has been surrounding me with…Baptism, Marriage, Holy Orders, Reconciliation, Confirmation, and the Holy Eucharist.

Though I may not be able to fully obtain complete sacredness,
He gives us the gifts of the Sacraments
So that we may be able to taste the beauty of grace and
Experience the sacredness the Lord longs for us to witness within us.

I have come to terms that my heart will never be fully sacred…and that missing piece will always be there…but I am comforted by the fact that every time I am able to participate in the Sacraments, that missing piece in my heart will become smaller and smaller every-time.

O Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, may my heart mirror yours.
O Most Sacred Heart of Jesus,
Pray for us.

Amen 🙂

” We are not called by God to do extraordinary things, but to do ordinary things with love” – Jean Vanier

This week I’ve been contemplating on my intellectual capacity and ability in understanding God. This is my first time in 20 plus years where I did not have to go to school in the Fall. It’s only been a month since school started…and a part of me secretly misses it. I’ve been preoccupied with deciding on which books should I read, if I should take up a supplemental theology class, or should I just ask a Priest. My craving for knowledge continues…

How can I know God…
With the appropriate intellectual understanding.

Today, The Lord wanted to remind me and reveal to me something greater.

I went to mass this evening with my family at my local Parish.
As we stood up for the entrance hymn, I watched the Priest, he Deacon, the Lecturers, and the altar Servers passed by.
I noticed one Altar Server in particular…
She was the one holding the cross up.
She had the biggest smile
She’s about my height 4″11…a little shorter
She had short curly hair, with glasses
She looks like a 14 year old
But when I looked closer I realized that I’ve see her before…she was the same girl who was altar serving more than 10 years ago.
So in reality she would be in her late 20s
You can see that she was different from the other 3 boys
But she didn’t seem to care

As she held the crucifix between the palm of her hands.

I observed her
Kneeling
Bowing
Knowing when to bring up the water
Knowing when to it was time for the Eucharist
She knew each segment of the Mass
And did every gesture with a smile.
She knew that her service was for Him…
And no one else.

I realized that what that girl has is something that I would not have been able to learn in class or from a book…

Though her intellectual capacity may not be like mine
It was clear that her HEART for The Lord was bigger than mine

” My Child, I do not care what you know…it is how you love that pleases me”

—

Lord God,
Thank you for continuously pushing me to step out of the box. For reminding me that You O, Lord are far greater than what we believe we can encompass in our minds. Instead of being so fixated with gaining knowledge and concerned with the types of books I wanted to hold in my hands...I should have been more concerned with being able to hold YOU in between the palms of my hands. Lord allow me to continuously seek you with my heart and not with my mind. Teach me to love infinitely and beautifully, just like you. Amen. 🙂

” Montréal “
Thursday, September 19, 2013

It was early Wednesday morning, around 8:00 a.m. as I headed towards the Train to Montréal at Penn Station along with my special travel companion.
I took a last whiff of New York’s scent…
Hot dogs, pizza, and garbage.
Right before I stepped into the train, I had to pause for a moment because
I felt a gnaw in my heart.
Oddly enough…the same feeling I was experiencing the day before.
As I took a step into the train
I looked back once more until the doors slowly closed behind me.
I dragged my feet as I headed towards my seat and
Reluctantly rolled my luggage behind me.
Once I got to my seat,
I sat by the window and looked out.
So many emotions running through my body…
I was speechless.
I looked out…and looked up.
He knew.

This whole trip…
I tried so hard to avoid the gnaw in my heart.
I would distract myself with food, other topics, other issues…
It made it difficult for me to reflect on what
The Lord was really trying to tell me this entire trip.
All I wanted to do was close my eyes and walk.
And so I did…
I closed my eyes and slept for most of the train ride back to Montréal.

It was already about 7:40 pm that evening,
It was dark out and the sun had already set and I didn’t even notice. My eyes were still shut. I was half asleep when I heard the conductor announced,
“We will be arriving in MONTREAL train station shortly!”
I woke up in a panic at the same time trying to keep my cool and get my things ready…
I thought to myself…
That 10 hour trip flew right before my eyes.
I stopped what I was doing
I noticed the view coming up on the other side of the window
My eyes widened

The sky wasn’t completely pitch black
The mix of lights from the city
Created a sort of navy blue hue around the island
The water was glistening
The light-trails resting on the water
Formed a path which led my eyes to follow the lights on the buildings
Going from left to right
Which I realized traced a silhouette of a

MOUNT…a mountain.

I was encouraged to look up at the beauty of the city
The city that I left 2 weeks ago

The gnaw at my heart appeared once again
This time I knew why.
I turned to my companion and whispered,
” We’re home, reality awaits us.”
As we locked eyes we both knew what I meant, and we continued gazing at the skyline.

This time…with eyes wide open.

I finally arrived, my family picked me up at the station…the rest of them waiting for me at the house, the food was prepared and all they were waiting for was for me to eat. As I sat down on my chair…it was as if I was still siting in the train looking out the window…as I sat in my chair, I glanced at each person in the room…

I smiled and thought to myself
This was part of the reality that awaits me…

That night, as I lay flat on my back in my bed
I looked up
Clenched my sheets with both hands and
Closed my eyes as the clock struck 12:00 a.m.
This marked the beginning of my 25th year of life
My eyes still remained shut
I took a deep breathe and all I could think of was,
” This is it…”

I was home
Where everything first started
MONTREAL awaits me
The REAL MOUNTAIN awaits me
My REAL MOUNTAIN awaits me
It was hard for me to see it from within
I was only able to appreciate it from afar

This time I heard
The Lord whisper in my ear
“Don’t be afraid to open your eyes and open your heart”

So I immediately opened my eyes…
In front of me was a painting of a tree…
Then I was reminded by the beauty that I experienced the past two weeks
And the beauty that still awaits me.

“Lord God, allow me to continuous open my eyes to the things I do not see and things you have called me to witness. May my heart also be in-tuned with what I am called to witness with my eyes. May I not shy away from the wondrous mountain that you have set in front of me and also be able to climb it knowing that you will be at the top waiting for me. With every mount, comes beauty. The Lord calls me to open my eyes to the mountains in front of me and open my heart to beauty that surrounds me. Thank you Lord. Amen :)”

“The Real Mountain”

“I was dressed and ready to go out.
I opened the door…and said “Bye” to my mom
and the people of my house.
My mom said in a concerned but loving voice

‘Hannah, it’s late na…(hinting for me not to go, but would never say it)
be careful ok?’

To that I replied,

‘Ok Mommy!’

I closed the door behind me and headed for the bus stop.”

This summer The Lord has been taking me from one place to another. Leaving my house and coming back home only a few days later. Whether it be on mission, for vacation or to visit family. Even though leaving my house for a few days has become second nature for me and I know my mom has become accustomed to it, it is still hard for me to say, “Bye” every time.

“It was almost 9:00 pm,
the street-lamps lit the darkened sidewalk I was on.
As I crossed the street,
at the corner of my eye,
I noticed some movement.
I looked down towards my left and
I saw two racoons hiding under the side of the sewer.
It surprised me because I’ve never seen anything like this before.
They sat there together…”

Being away from home has made me realize the importance of time and the value of presence. The importance of the time you actively give to another person and the importance of your presence in physically being there for someone. I realized that the Lord is not only preparing me for whatever he has planned, but he is also preapring those who have given me their time and presence.

Those who surround me.

“One racoon was a little bigger,
it seemed older than the much smaller racoon.
I noticed that, when they saw me…
they both scurried under the sewer,
the older one guiding the other
even though there were not physically touching.
They watched me as I passed by.
I continued walking to the bus stop.

In order for me to get to my bus stop,
I needed to go through the underground tunnel.
I stepped into the tunnel
I kept walking.
It occurred to me that the tunnel seemed more dimly lit than usual.
But…
I continued walking with hesitation…”

There are times when I am away…I ask myself if I should have stayed home or if I should have not agreed to go. Most of the time…I think of these things when I’m already hours and kilometres away…

“As I walked to the bus stop, I kept replaying my mom’s words in my head
‘Hannah, it’s late na…be careful!’
What did she mean? I know it was a simple comment…

but I felt like there was something more.
I continued walking…”

My mom has dedicated her time to raise me, to take care of me, to teach me…
She is present in all parts of my life even though she may not be physically there…
All this not out of convenience
But
All this because of love

My mother encompasses God in her heart. So whatever she says..I take it to heart..

“As I continued walking to the bus stop to meet my friends at Tim Hortons…
The words my mom said kept resounding in my head
‘Hannah, it’s late na…be careful ok?’

As I reached the bus stop
I waited there
Still preoccupied with my mom’s words
For some reason the bus didn’t come
I kept asking myself
‘Is it too late?’
I realized that…I wasn’t referring to the time…
As I sat there waiting for the bus I realized that..
‘It’s not too late…I’m still here’
So I turned around and I walked back home.

I reached my house and I opened the door.
My mom was siting on the couch watching TV,

she saw me walking in and all she did was smile.

I hugged her
I put my bags down,
and we just sat there together.
I smiled and told her
‘Oh yeah…it was late.’
And we both smiled.”

—

Lord God,
Thank you for those who have made time for me and those who have blessed me with their presence. May I be able to be that instruments to others and to those that love me. May I be able to love by giving of my time as though there was no limit and by being present as though being with that person is the only thing that matters for that moment. I will never be able to repay my mom for the amount of time she has given me and her constant presence in my life. The least I can do is to make time and be present…Just like how the Lord is always present and makes time for me.
It’s never too late!
Amen! 🙂