Author: Gabby Pador

Coming into this year’s Lent, I didn’t put much thought on the fast that I decided, but it turns out that this fast will be the hardest fast I’ve ever experience. It pushed me to open my eyes and really understand and experience what Jesus has experienced in the desert in my own way.

So, the fast that I decided to give up was JUST Youtube…

Maybe you were expecting that I gave up something big like giving up rice, meat, all social media, which are all fasts that the people I surround has given up. Praise God for them because as of now I would have failed on the first day if I chose one of those. So, I decided Youtube since I was like “I acknowledge that I spend a bit too much on Youtube, and this will give me more time in prayer, it’s doable, it won’t be that hard.”

“A bit” is an understatement which I only realize when Lent started.

When the first day of Lent came, I was already struggling and already thinking of giving up. I was so jittery, can’t concentrate, finding some stimulus that will occupy the freed up time. From that point, I realize that I’m addicted, and how watching Youtube has been so integrated into my life. Watching something in the morning, before I sleep, resting, when I’m bored, on breaks studying, etc. That’s how bad it is, and I didn’t realize it until that day.

Praise God I pushed through the first week, I even started seeing the fruits of my fast, seeing what God wanted to me to see at that moment. Like I was able to spend and enjoy the limited time I have with my sister. I was able to see and be amazed at how my sister is growing, seeing her talents flourish. As I teach her how to play the piano, she was able to do what I tell her, and she actually listened(that’s rare), or to the small joys from randomly jamming with my sister with her on the drums and I’m on the guitar wondering how good she was knowing that I didn’t teach her drums. (We love music as you can tell)

But my fast was so ingrained in me that I kept finding some other stimulus to fill the empty space to satisfy my pleasure that I get from Youtube. So I started to read a Christian book so that I can learn more about myself and God, but I can only do that for so long. So, I’ve given into more social media, Facebook and Instagram.

So I’m basically deprived of my usual stimulus, my years of habit. My actions show that it is craving for something. Next thing you know that’s when I have failed, not in my fast but in other areas in my life. I’m to focus on not failing on my fast that I put all my attention to it. I failed and gave into physical pleasure. I should have known better, as I write this I realize that craving that I had I should have directed to God because I think that’s what I’ve been longing for this whole time. I’m just redirecting it to the wrong areas.

I was tempted outside what I thought I would be tempted. Which is the biggest realization I had. That’s when I really understood and related to what Jesus has experience in the desert, the only difference that He conquered and I lost.

So when Jesus was tempted for the first time to turn stone into bread, it is like when I started my fast. I fasted from Youtube so I was tempted with Youtube. The same thing for Jesus, He was fasting from food and God was tempted with food. Simple but straight forward.

As Jesus was tempted for the second and third time, He was tempted other than food, outside what Jesus is being “deprived off”. But His second temptation was basically the same as my second temptation which is bowing down to the devil in exchange for the world, in my case to physical pleasure. No matter how much I know it is bad, how much it disconnects me from God, and I strive to better myself, I ruined all that by giving in to the temptation. My guard was down when I thought I was doing well and I only had to concentrate the temptation that is right in front of my face, not weaknesses that linger behind.

From that point, I realized this is the time that I need to be stronger, to trust more, and to pray more. But not only just in Lent but constantly in our daily lives. We are constantly tempted in our lives and we know that we need to put a guard up when we need to, but things start to fail when we think the war or battle has passed. That’s when we put our guards down making us vulnerable from what the devil has in store for us.

We all have our own deserts that we need to walk through, some maybe have more temptation, maybe be tempted on the things you might not know, maybe in the desert for a longer time, or even have another completely different desert that they need to face. We just need to remind ourselves that we are not alone in this, God has already gone through the situation you are experiencing, He conquered all the battles, and He laid it all out like a set of instructions for us.

We just need to recognize that the devil is strong but our God who is vastly stronger, made us as strong.

As I strive to conquer my next battles that I will face as I go through and journey the 3rd week of Lent, please pray for me that I may put my guard up at all times especially in times in the least expected.

St. Micheal the Archangel
Pray for us

Gabby Pador

Jan 30, 2019
(The day after the first MV meeting that I have attended for the year)
Today I impulsively wrote a reflection, actually commuting to school.

Today is not greatest day, I’m already second-guessing and doubting myself or what I mean is that again I don’t feel I belong to the MV program. Because of last night first meeting, I started to analyze myself and compare again to other missionaries in the meeting how their simple share before the meeting was always or comes back to God. Somehow, some way it was inspiring, and it seems so natural for them. But as I look to my shares, it was generic compared to theirs. I self of worth was low because of it.

I was actually holding back my thoughts for sharing. The only thing was they were “negative” in a sense. It wasn’t joyful or happy, and that’s why I didn’t share it. After the share was over, I did regret not saying it because I lost the chance the ability to share about truly what’s going on.

One of the shares that I was planning to say but held it back was how I had a not so great day before the meeting. Starting off giving the wrong information to Martin about dates about HLT. There was a miss communication between me and cp. Even though it was a simple mistake and was corrected right away. I really felt bad, and I was hard on myself. “I shouldn’t make that mistake, I should no better on checking dates.”

Even though that swallowed me for the decent amount of the day, I know in the back of my mind is that this is legit my first month as a chapter head handling things like this leading, coordinating, communicating etc. I know its a but learning curve but I really want to be and perform well.

Part of the reason why my emotions were all over the place after that was how I communicated to my cp after that. It was not that great, It sounded like or in my head at least it sounded like that I’m blaming her for the mistake for not updating the calendar. There was a change of dates that I was not informed with. I just messaged her this in correcting manner, and when she messaged back that’s when I realize my intentions of correcting was not in love. No matter how nice my message was, my intention was not in love.

On that point on my stress/emotion was all over the place because I felt bad and asking my self why I did that.

I didn’t know what was the gospel for the day but I read the reflection that I assume relates to the day. It was something about loving brothers and sisters and mother.

Once I caught my self doing that, realizing my actions were not done in love correcting this sister. I immediately said sorry to her taking responsibility for the mistake.

I’m just grateful for my cp after that as she comforts me with shorts messages. After all that, she is still supportive. Even though she might not even take the correction in a negative way. I was just complicating it for myself but still, she was still caring.

If I’m gonna some up the reason why I impulsively made a reflection in the bus for the first time is that I lost the chance to share in the meeting, a way to let everybody known what actually doing in my life. In my mind these are my fellow missionary buddies that I will be journeying there will be days that it won’t go so well. But they are there to journey with me and guide me.

Please pray for me not to hold back.

I certainly know how there is so much I need to learn and so much I need improve I recognize these things.

Kind of lost my momentum after my last MVA meeting and exam was over a couple of months ago. That’s why when during the first meeting again I started to compare myself like what I did when I first journeyed through the MV program last year. But I recognize how much I need to learn and grow to be like these missionaries I’m blessed to journey with.

So what step should I do?

Well, I need to grow in confidence, again in fearless, to keep sharing with God in mind, reminding myself to share when I get a chance, don’t share for the sake of sharing something, maybe to ask myself what has God showed something today.

Gabby Pador

I’m kinda late doing this reflection cause I’m gonna talk about two Mondays ago gospel but I was shock on what God said to His disciples so I had to research and reflect hard. And I did, I think the reason why this gospel resonated in me because I’m a MV applicant preparing to be MV if God wills, being a missionary like the disciples. Once I truly understand this passage I found myself asking is this what it takes to be a missionary?

But first the reason why I was drawn into to this gospels(Matthew 10:34- 11:1 ) not because of how to be a disciple for Christ (which what I ended up understanding )but because of what I think harsh words that God told to his disciples. Just the first line by itself I was like “He didn’t say that?!!” “What!! He didn’t come to bring peace?!!!”. Those are my initial impressions, this line could be so misleading like I was at the beginning, but I’ve come to understanding that I think He indeed did not bring peace to the world in a sense(please correct me if I’m wrong) but gave us the opportunity to have peace again, giving us bridge to come back to Him and connects us with God which will lead to peace. When Jesus died for all of us and forgave everybody’s sins we continue to decide to sin and turn away against God. And that’s why I think God gave his disciples “swords” obviously not a physical one but to fight to have that peace, especially if you’re like the disciples of God or just follower of God for that matter, achieve and protect that peace that He has provided to us. Only us can decide if we are willing to fight.

The other lines that shook me the most was “(36)a person’s enemies will be the members of his household” and “(37) No one who prefers father or mother to me is worthy of me”. Those are the one of the few lines that made me in awe on how blunt and uncensored God was to the disciples. God is like listing what it takes to follow him. I’ve certainly attest to this even in my own small way with my own family on pursuing to be a missionary. How my parents are against of me pursuing this MV program. It’s hard to balance to respect your parents in those situation, when I feel God is leading me into this program. Having the question in my head Parents or God? Another scenario is with my brothers and sisters in my area, some of this brothers and sisters I have known for years and I’ve accepted them all of their qualities good and bad. As I grow in my faith I realize I can’t just let them be and accept whatever situation they are in we have to guide each other and empower each other to road to holiness. But it’s hard when you think having this “great friendship” is accepting for who they are and letting it be. Now a great friendship or Christ centred friendship is when you are accountable for one another, journey with one another . But it’s hard for me especially to call out your brothers and sisters if not in line with God because of the years of accepting. I think the reason why is hard for me maybe I’m scared of rejection or you don’t want to be “kill-joy” person, or you just don’t want to jeopardize that friendship. But I know now that if I really care for these brothers and sisters I need remind them or call them out even if it hurts.

I shared these stories because in my own small way I’ve experience hardships on following God or I mean just leaving out what I think God expects us to do, but when I think of being a missionary you will have to encounter more hardships just because will encounter more people with different scenarios. Thinking of that idea makes me feel kinda scared if I can handle it or will I be able handle the situation. These questions or this reflection from that matter probably stemmed from my probably insecurities but I know for a fact If we just push through He will definitely reward us, Jesus even said to his disciples” If anyone gives so much as a cup of cold water to one of these little ones because he is a disciple, then in truth I tell you, he will most certainly not go without his reward.”. That by itself should be enough for us to always get back up again and keep going in our journey with Him.

I’ll just end this Jesus has faced hardship and struggles we may never imagine and God push through even it hurts, even when people doubted Him, even when people ridiculed Him, even death. The least we can do is follow and be firm on what He tells us to do.

So, I just ask Lord to take care of us and to watch over us. That any hindrances or obstacles that will prevent us from doing your will Lord, will be taken away. And that you will give us strength to over come our challenges. I also ask the Holy Spirit to guide us, lead us especially when we have fallen away and can’t get back up again. And that we may trust God in whatever state that we are in, that we may be able to always see what God blessing us with our everyday lives.

Amen.

So recently I haven’t been consistent with my reflections, big part of reason is TIME. Me and Time, we always struggle when it comes to preparing something especially when it comes to writing or preparing on how would I express my thoughts in right understandable manner. Expressing my thoughts into just nice simple sentence is hard for me. Especially when I’m thinking about has so much levels, or what I mean is how am I goanna decipher the things in my head and make it to a sentence kinda thing. ( Don’t know why I started my reflection like this by over sharing, writing a lot, it almost coming in to a different topic).

I think I’ve said this somewhere in my reflections but this summer has been my busiest, and I feel like I’m busier than school with all the work, service, and MVA things I must do.

Sorry that was an unnecessary long intro that could be condense. But my point being that it is hard to balance all the things I’ve listed on top of having improving/working on your relationship with God. Which for me, my “ me and God time” hasn’t been well. Even after SHOUT, after my spiritual high wares off and I get to the rhythm of my daily life, I’m consumed to the task in front of me.

But the crave to talk to Him more is still there.

I know there are other things that would prevent me from spending time with the Lord. But these should not be used excuses to not have time for God. I did fall using time as my excuses many times. But God gave me His time to use, and we should not take it for granted. And God will nudge you to the right direction that there is always a way if need be. Which it happen yesterday, after my excuse but not excuse anymore, I finally went to a trinity run again.

To paint this week picture I had 3 closing shifts, out of nowhere musicmin practice, a core meeting, and prayer assembly. So this week is busy, so planning a trinity run that works with my schedule and fairly easy to commute is quite hard in Ottawa. And going to a trinity run was always in the back of my mind. As I complain to this brother wanting to go to trinity run He checks and then finds a parish that we have never heard or been but the TIME checks out. And this planning was also the midnight before we went. And then next thing you know we are in a small parish in downtown. Probably the smallest parish I’ve been. I was so happy. During that time I felt like I’m catching up with a friend who I have not spoken in a while, telling all the ups and downs, my victories,  my blessings, and so on.

Well God proven himself once again on reminding me that He will give me time to spend more with him.

Maybe the reason why I brought up my intro is that I wanted my end result to be perfect, by doing so I need to plan and think more what I need to do. The perfect time. But in reality we are in God’s time, not ours. The perfect timing will always come from him not to us.

As I summarize my reflection I realize I think there is one more reason why I brought up is that I think there is like a underlying about how sometimes I need to go with the flow (in my case just write , don’t over think). Because of my obsessive desire to control everything to prevent failure or imperfection in my limited time it also affected my spiritual life. How trusting everything to the Lord with my life with no sign to tell that you’re doing good I still struggle

Letting go EVERYTHING and letting God in which I still strive for.

I don’t even know now what my point is now or if still related but I’ll just say time and control go hand in hand, as I realize through my reflection, if we stop controlling everything and let God do the work I think there is more time that we will experience with Him.

(I apologize if you didn’t understand my reflection, and I hope my next reflection will have more TIME to write)

Gabby Pador

So, this past week I’ve been experiencing so much firsts some I had no expectations, some nerve wracking, and some exciting all in a span of a week. Travelling alone, MVA SHOUT (sooo much firsts), having fellowship with some Toronto fam, using GTA’s transit (It’s so big!) to name a few.

Each day that went by, that was the reoccurring theme in mind, firsts. I started to ponder this idea when travelling alone for the first time to Toronto which gave me A LOT of time to reflect but later solidified by my experiences throughout that week.

Basically, what I was pondering was there will be a lot of situation that are place in front of us where it will be our first, and most of those first might be scary. Maybe some it’s so scary to the point that they never follow through those situation as a result they would never know and experience the things they will learn through that first. But some, maybe fear of failure or fear of knowing that you are weak or maybe even fear of not in control (which I basically threw out the window in the time I stayed in Toronto). Which I’ll share at the end of my reflection, in each hindrance that might have prevented me from saying yes that I’ve encountered that week.

I know that’s kind of self-explanatory, it’s kind of like the line “you never know until you try” but I started to connect this to my faith. How God will place us in situations that we have never encountered. Maybe we will face situation that we may have to stand up for etc. As a MVA, I can’t help to connect these ideas if I was asked to mission to another area. As missionaries, you will half to go to a lot uncharted waters (a lot is an understatement), meaning a lot of scary first. In those times, we just need to trust God and let God do the work and he will take care of us, guide us to where will be needed and we will experience how great is His creation.

So, one of the firsts in that week which I think one of my biggest first fear was travelling alone to an area that I don’t know, with the people who I have known for less than a year and half that I met up with was the first-time meeting. That by itself could be a reflection by its own but I just want to share this one because before going there my only plan was, when I’m leaving? Where I’m arriving? Who is hosting me? And when I’m going home? That’s it! Everything else was “I don’t have a plan”. When they asked me, do you have a plan after SHOUT, and I obviously said “No”. I didn’t even know who can I meet that week or how am I goanna go around Toronto. If you know me I like to plan and know what’s happening. By the end, I literally let God control and let God guide me, because I know He will take care of me and He did. I even survive comminuting alone from Brampton to downtown Toronto for the first time, without data and without getting lost for the first time. That tells you something about trusting God. By the end, I got to go around downtown, eat some delicious food, and form more and closer Christ centred friendship which I have never expected after from a “plan less” trip.

I’ll share one more, it’s about my first SHOUT especially MVA SHOUT, a lot of first came of that, some better first than others, also could be a reflection by its own. What I mean is that some parts of the activities highlights what I’m weak at but those activities I tried my best which basically SHOUT is ,it is training. Even though this was in a training environment that weekend, God will always gives us opportunities to be our better selves which no better way through our first. Even though some of my first might be discouraging I know God will give me opportunities be better and guide me to what He want me to be. Those first could be realization or confirmation that your weak or could be a sign for or a wakeup call from God saying you can be better so starting working on it.

Even though my share was all about “you’ll never know until you try” that doesn’t mean to try everything recklessly and break commandments, take it with a grain of salt. What I’m just trying to say is taking the path of holiness and be disciples of the Lord is hard and there will be a lot first that we will encounter. It will take a lot of trust and perseverance. It may seem that you’re alone going through this but always remind yourselves that God is with us guiding us and He knows what’s best for us. No matter what circumstances we are in God will reward us tenfold when we let go and let God.

We just need to take that first step and God will lead us the way.

I started to ponder this idea when I attended a sister’s grad mass this week. Which was standing firm in the faith. Everybody has heard this line a bunch of times its even in this year’s RYC “Fight the good fight of faith”1Tim 6:12. But sometimes you hear it so much that you lose the weight of the meaning which I’m experiencing. What I’m trying to say is standing firm in your faith is very complex , it could be in different forms ,to sometimes very literal(which I’m gonna talk about later) and it’s VERY HARD TO DO, especially you think about the small details in your life that could determine if you are standing firm in your faith or not.

This idea pop up because during mass I forgot which part of the mass but it is when you need to stand, less than half of the congregation wasn’t standing and you can see some who are not sure what to do. I’m pretty sure because of social conformity the majority just stayed seated because majority was. I felt the same way, I wasn’t confident as a stood up, I did those up and down with a look around you motion waiting for people to stand up before you. But lucky I had brothers beside me who assured me with their action and stood their confidently while I see more than half of the congregation sitting. As I look around this idea of standing firm in the faith pop up in my head. (That mass also was “interesting” in a sense that fuelled my idea of standing firm in a society that is becoming more secular which maybe I’ll talk about it some other time)

When I gave that situation more thought, that’s when I realize how truly giving your all, standing firm in the faith could be in the most simplest of action and still have the same or even more impact than through speech.Even as simple as standing up, your quite literally standing firm in your faith when the people around you are with uncertainty.

Oh, I realize too the importance of being the first one or first people to stand up in your faith, takes courage. Some of you probably know, seen, and experience like this social phenomenon video where one guy is dancing alone in a crowd and next thing you know crowds of people are dancing with him. The reason why I related this to standing firm is that it takes courage to be the first, to stand out in a crowd but as more and more people join in less and less courage is needed for other people to join. We need to be the first guy or the first people to stand in our faith so it makes it easier for other people who are unsure or just need a little push with their faith or just no faith at all. It gives an opportunity for those people to look into the great faith that we have, getting rid of the barriers that they may face that’s preventing them to accept or stand for God.

This made a big impact in me because there are many times where I failed to be strong and courageous in my faith and lost sight, but deep inside I know and want to give my all, truly to God. Sometimes I question myself can I really stand up and be firm in my faith, even those small actions. Will I be able recognize and act in those situation? Do I have the stamina to keep going? Can I be fearless to be the first when no else or few is standing next to you? Am I actually willing to sacrifice all to God?

This just hit me hard especially when I think about going through and becoming a MV how much I need to work harder on just being courageous and being strong through everything even in just an action. It even came to a point where I tried to much to be the person that I’m not, focusing on how to gain to give rather focusing on my gifts to give(this is probably next weeks reflection). Self-doubt kicks in hard when I think of these things, as I wrote that my “confidence meter” just went down a little thats who sometimes unstable I am still.

Just to summarize what I have reflected, it is when even in the most simplest of action you can lift up God’s name and can be a very powerful in evangelizing others.

As for my prayer for today please help me pray for I am able to stand firm in everything I do even in the most simplest of actions and to fight as hard as I can to battle any hindrances that I may face. Also to build my confidence so that I’m not overwhelmed by myself doubt so that I can show to the world how great our God is and that is worth to stand for in the midst of uncertainty.

Amen.

Gabby Pador

So, this past couple weeks was really busy for me, I didn’t even realize that the month of May is almost over. Called in for work, preparing HH and workshop, and sisters birthday are some of the things that made my life little hectic than usual in a short period of time.

Because of these events, I failed to give myself some form of rest. So, when I felt exhausted by the end of the day I forget or lose the motivation to talk to God(pray) because in some way in my head I wanted some “me time”. I realize now that it was very selfish of me because God would never or will never say no or push us aside if He is tired. If you think about all His sufferings, He still thought about us during those times, and with all the prayers in the world He still listens and gives time to everyone and that’s amazing!

Being a Catholic, I know and I’ve been told that is not easy but I know it’s worth it so I just need to remind myself again and again to be stronger and push through because the person that I’m doing for is worth the struggle.

I know this reflection is not the out of the ordinary. Everyone has experience some shape or form when life gets busy, you forget God a little, blinded by the “real world” because you forget to stop and take in what God has been constantly blessing you. Even though we may be warned or told many times to push through and be strong it’s easy to fall through that hole and not realize it resulting to be harder to get out of the whole once you realize you’re too deep.

We need to be able to recognize once we start losing God in our perspective and remind ourselves the reason why we have our life, our “busy lives”, is because of Him. So, let’s give him the time and praise that He deserve and blessing that need to be thank.

Gabby Pador