#IVLeague

For the past six days I have been hooked up to an IV needle and an automatic pump. I have this black fanny pack that holds my antibiotics and it releases my medicine every eight hours. I need to visit the clinic once a day to get my bag changed because it can only dispense three doses a day.

I’m tired all the time. I get nauseous very easily.  And I’ve never been so easily irritated.

Basically, the doctor had to make a 1.5cm incision by my throat to drain out the infection. They had to force my mouth open and my tongue down because my airways were almost fully blocked. They used three different methods to freeze the affected area, but I still felt every bit of that procedure. I stayed awake the whole time and to be honest it was the most painful thing I ever had to go through.

I remember the only thought in my head that whole time was,

“Jesus, I don’t know how to endure this. It hurts. So much.”

As bad as things seemed, it could have been worse. If I waited even a day later, I could have risked a larger infection. The abscess could have ruptured and spread into my lungs, etc.

There’s still so much to praise God for.

In my week of resting, these are the things that the Lord has revealed to me:

1. I needed to slow down.

My Martha> Mary tendencies were coming to an all time high. I was so focused on the work and deliverables that I failed to take care of myself. I lost sleep from worrying about things that were out of my control. The mission will continue to move forward even if I take a break. I cannot put so much pressure on myself.

2. I needed to ask for help.

I had to stop expecting myself to be a superwoman. I had limitations that I failed to acknowledge and that brought on more frustration. The Lord has blessed me with brothers and sisters who are able to pick up where I can’t.

3. I needed to take a break.

I don’t have to be strong all the time. I’m human. I’m allowed to be weak. I can cry. I can allow myself to feel during moments of loss and suffering. I didn’t give myself time to grieve my aunt’s passing the way I should have. Not every battle has to be fought by me; some battles were never mine to begin with.

“If God gives you an abundant harvest of trials, it is a sign of great holiness, which He desires you to attain. Do you want to become a great saint? Ask God to send you many sufferings. The flame of Divine Love never rises higher than when fed with the wood of the Cross, which the infinite charity of the Savior used to finish His sacrifice. All the pleasures of the world are nothing compared with the sweetness found in the gall and vinegar offered to Jesus Christ. That is, hard and painful things endured for Jesus Christ and with Jesus Christ.” – Saint Ignatius of Loyola

4. I needed to let the Lord love me.

As much as I am called for much in the mission, sometimes all the Lord wants is for me to bask in His presence. Audrey Assad’s You Speak couldn’t have put it any more beautifully:

You liberate me from my own noise and my own chaos. From the chains of a lesser law You set me free. In the silence of the heart You speak. And it is there that I will know You and You will know me. You satisfy me til I am quiet and confident, in the work of the Spirit I cannot see.

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Suffering is a great favor. Remember that everything soon comes to an end . . . and take courage. Think of how our gain is eternal (St. Teresa of Avila). Our Lord and Savior lifted up his voice and said with incomparable majesty: “Let all men know that grace comes after tribulation. Let them know that without the burden of afflictions it is impossible to reach the height of grace. Let them know that the gifts of grace increase as the struggles increase. Let men take care not to stray and be deceived. This is the only true stairway to paradise, and without the cross they can find no road to climb to heaven” (St. Rose of Lima). Suffering is a great grace; through suffering the soul becomes like the Saviour; in suffering love becomes crystallised; the greater the suffering, the purer the love (St. Faustina). I always want to see you behaving like a brave soldier who does not complain about his own suffering but takes his comrades’ wounds seriously and treats his own as nothing but scratches (St. Therese).

 

This experience has truly humbled me. To be in the company of the Saints has been one of the greatest blessings this situation has brought me. I’ve found so much unity in Christ through their teachings on suffering and through the Lord’s. More than anything, my spiritual life has continued to flourish as I’ve found myself spending more time with Christ through the Eucharist and Adoration.

I shall continue to move forward and keep Christ as my goal. He has never abandoned me, and my faithfulness is all I can offer Him.