Feel like my love life is finished
I’ve been avoiding commitment
That’s why I’m in this position
I’m scared to let somebody in on this
No new friends, no no no
You know how this stuff go
You got your fair share of admirers that call your phone
You try to act like it’s just me, but I am not alone….
My friends and colleagues probably see me as someone in extreme anticipation- someone who just can’t wait to be part of a relationship. In some way, that’s true. And in more ways, it’s not. Because of “x,y,z” reasons, the idea of being irrevocably committed to one person for long periods of time scares me.
I am deathly scared of commitment.
Truth.
It’s the reason why I tend to flee from friendships that I feel are getting too intimate. I just can’t do it. It’s easier for me to handle my relationships with girls than guys, but the fact still remains: I’m uncomfortable with the uncertainty of whether or not a person will stay in my life when they find out the real(er) parts of me. That’s why I gladly take on the stereotypes that people have placed on me.
I find it easier to act under a predetermined role.
It’s what I’ve been doing for a long time.
It’s much much safer for me to add layers than to subtract.
My relationship with Christ works in the same way; I’m scared of the relationship that we share….this whole getting to know him more and more. Having to willingly own up to the person I know I am, to unveil myself. I have never felt so intimate with the Lord the way I have in the last year. For someone who almost completely gave up on Catholicism, I’ve had to work really hard on sustaining and building up my prayer time and routines (i.e Tuesdates exclusively for Trinity Runs). But that’s where I find I’m fighting myself: I want to dive deeper into this relationship, but how can I when I know I can’t swim well?
“I even believe that the deeper one is drawn into God, the more one must ‘go out of oneself’; that is, one must go to the world in order to carry the divine life into it.” – Imitation of Mary
Despite being a commitment-phobe, the Lord still finds ways to enter in. Not in ways that are like that of a thief who barges in unwelcomed. Rather, the Lord simply knocks at the doors of my heart- and waits. He does not get impatient with me. Even if I open it halfway then close it back, He’ll try again (cue Aaliyah: dust yourself off and try again~). He accepts whatever I give Him, and never complains. He greets me with a smile and an outstretched hand. Always.
In time, the Lord will help me overcome my insecurities and my anxieties. I’ve realized that it’s exactly why I am where I am as the GTA West Sector Head. Scared of committing to one person? No problem I’m going to give you and trust you with 250+ souls. Most don’t know me, and I barely know every one of them..but somehow with God’s grace I’m able to constantly give more and more and more of myself. Not out of obligation, but out of love.
What lay outside my plans for myself, lay within God’s plan for me.- St. Edith Stein
Thank you Lord. Simply for loving me in the way that I need to be loved. And for giving me the opportunity to go beyond the borders of my heart. I know this is to prepare me for what lies ahead in the future.
“Help me to remember what is really important: that I am Your child, You are my Father. You love me for who I am and how I live. Not what I look like or what I own. Let me praise You who sees into my heart, who is always with me and who eases my suffering.” (St. Rose of Lima)
