It’s early morning before YFC ICON 2018: Full Blast. I should be sleeping but there’s so much going on internally. It is my first ever international conference and first time in the Philippines, let alone first time being outside the Western hemisphere. Unfortunately my friends and I weren’t able to attend the Social Action events, but we did have a day to try to cure any jet lag. Our day was spent touring around Antipolo and church hopping. In all we were able to cover 3 churches, 1 cathedral, a waterfall, a lookout and 2 malls. Not bad considering we didn’t leave home base until after 12pm and got back before 9pm.
The thing that stood out the most was my worry that I would not consciously be aware and seek God in every moment. It was a weird dynamic I was constantly thinking; I’m in the Philippines which is wild and amazing, but also reflecting on how I even got here to this moment. Without a doubt I know the Lord has brought me here. I may not know why, but the least I could do is be grateful and seek Him where I am now. However I felt like I was letting Jesus down because I am the type of person that can get lost in contemplative prayer. I think (and talk) a lot. And being on the go constantly for the past 72 hours, traveling and having to take care and responsibility of myself in a foreign country has left less time to spend in contemplative prayer.
I was worried that I wouldn’t live up to the Lord’s expectation of me. I don’t know how to explain it, but it is like I have a debt to pay to God for Him bringing me here; a dream 5 years in the making. Like I should be praying even more and being more attentive to Him all the time (Which we should always strive to do). However there were moments when my mind went into trying to figure out how to budget my trip and give myself a daily allowance. I thought about how my shoe hasn’t been worn-in enough and has given me blisters. I thought about taking photos and if they were actually in focus or composed well enough. I was also shopping around for a slipper with rather specific requirements, (to be honest I started the search in Canada and im not sure why I was so peculiar in finding this slipper; if what I wanted even existed). So when it came to spending money in ways I didn’t expect, or when I disregarded my new shoe and mashed the back of the heels to wear it as a slipper, took photos with camera phones rather than dslr, or finally purchasing that slipper after it meeting most of the requirements – I realized these worries were really nothing at all. And I knew this and was able to deal with each situation. But still it was almost as if there just had to be a worry, something just wasn’t fully settled or at peace. As if I weren’t doing enough to show the Lord how grateful I am.
It clicked that I was worried about my prayer life, yet I was able to pray constantly throughout the day in front of various tabernacles and in in-between travels. I was so worried about what I had to do for the Lord and how I had to meet Him that I didn’t realize until towards the end of the day that He was already meeting me. I didn’t control or know where we were going today, but I ended up in front the Lord multiple times. I received a blessing with anointing of oil. I was able to physically write down my prayer intentions and ask St. Pio of Pietrelcina (Padre Pio) for a special intercession. God had been placing opportunities to meet Him, all I had to do was stop worrying and be present and aware. I was in an adoration chapel, we could hear the songs from a previously started mass loud and clear. The song playing was one all too familiar, one that I held dear in my heart since I was young. Hearing it made me silent and finally listen. It felt like the Lord was speaking directly to me as I knelt before Him. He said,
I will come to you in the silence. I will lift you from all your fear. You will hear My voice, I claim you as My choice, Be still, and know I am near… I am the Word that leads all to freedom. I am the peace the world cannot give. I will call your name, embracing all your pain, Stand up, now, walk, and live. Do not be afraid, I am with you. I have called you each by name. Come and follow Me, I will bring you home, I love you and you are mine.
I have nothing to be worried about, the hardest part was getting halfway around the world. The Lord has already gotten me this far, He won’t fail me now. Rather than worry, I need to do what I’ve been doing all along. Trust in the Lord. As well seek my moments of silence during this conference and see what God may be trying to say.
In Christ,
Meagan Webb