June 26, 2016
“Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Lament and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy into dejection. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.” (James 4:7-10)
A lot has happened in the past few months and there is certainly much to be grateful for! Although it is still hard for me not to hear God speak or to feel God’s presence, as I move forward, I will continue to pray daily, read scripture daily, and give myself permission to see God in ordinary occurrences.
Since I “lost” the sense of hearing and feeling God in my prayers, He has heightened my sense of sight to see Him in things that give my heart delight, just as He did at Venice Beach. This might sound bizarre, but every time I walk to work through an old neighbourhood, I can’t help feel like God has placed me in a Disney movie haha.
I see the wind blow and move throughout the streets. I see many birds take flight overhead, flying from tree to tree — I even once saw a bluejay! Haha. I have also grown to have a favourite part in the neighbourhood; it is where the different species of tall deciduous trees on both sides of the road canopy over each other, almost like they are hugging one another. They are big and old, but they still sway from side to side. Things that once were so ordinary to me have come to life. The wind, the birds, and the trees have all become personified and briefly reflect the Almighty God.
In a special way, the wind reminds me of God because of its power, and because of its gentleness as it touches all living things. The birds remind me of God too because they are direct and purposeful, all the while maintaining its gracefulness. Finally the trees remind me of God because they are grand, have a timeless mystery, and are ordered in its symmetry. This is all really cheesy, even for me haha. But I’m grateful that in this short five minute walk to work every weekday, the Lord gives me the gift of sight to experience and see Him in these things.
What does this all have to do with the desire to suffer?
I’ve learnt that whether I suffer willingly or unwillingly, God will always reveal something truthful, beautiful and good about Himself. Whatever He reveals about Himself is an amazing gift because it shows that God wants to be personal, and intimate, and wants to have a relationship with me. I am not just another person in this world, but I am someone who is incredibly loved and whom the Lord will reveal His love to in almost magical ways.
Secondly, I’ve learnt that I have a single responsibility when it comes to suffering: just go through it, but not alone. Often times I will try to ignore and avoid my suffering, sometimes even make excuses as to why I can’t deal with it right away. Instead of seeing suffering as a hindrance to my growth as a person or even as a hindrance to living comfortably, I think it’s important that I see it as a stepping stone to experiencing something great with the Lord.
Thirdly, I’ve learnt that I should be grateful for whatever trials I face. I will be honest and say that I don’t like suffering (who does?), but this ungrateful attitude towards suffering, in itself, acknowledges that I have a lot more humbling to do. And this bears much fruit because the adventure to love, serve, and honour God have not reached its climax yet. God still has more in store for me, especially if I am more open to receiving and experiencing His love.
I often hear that God knows me better than I know myself, and I still believe this is true, especially now. When I once thought that I was never going to feel God’s presence again, God made it so evident that He is still near and that He is still here to stay, but He will make himself present in a different way. I have been affirmed once again that God is always going to be with me, walking with me, running with me. It doesn’t matter what pace I go. He will always be beside me, before me, and behind me, always giving me comfort in familiar and new ways. Therefore, whom shall I fear? What shall I fear?
Overall all, I’ve learnt that suffering is a part of life; it is not a separate entity that I can just decide doesn’t exist or doesn’t have to exist. Suffering is and will always exist in this life, but like everything else, God has a plan and purpose for it. In my own experience suffering has helped me grow closer to God, has helped me develop a relationship with Our Lady of Sorrows, has helped me understand those who suffer from physical hurts and mental illness, and has reminded me that I’m in need of God’s mercy and grace. Suffering is purposeful as it helps us all see our human frailty and God’s great mercy. To think otherwise, is to be ignorant of the Gospel.
Thank You Lord for this life and all of the lessons I’ve learnt about suffering. Please open my heart to learn more about the value of suffering. Amen.
