Christ Walking On The Sea Of Galilee, Henry Coller (1886-1950)
“As Christians we are called to have courage, the courage to honour God’s extraordinary request that we forgive someone even in the midst of our pain.” – Mother Angelica
An edited excerpt from my journal:
“Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Today I walked into my parish with an extremely heavy heart. While I prepared myself for confession, I felt my heart begin to relax as I saw Christ exposed before me. The weight of my sin slowly began to liquify and my eyes grew to swell up. When I entered the confessional, I saw my parish priest, Father Jim, smiling at me with delicate concern.
He said, “Welcome Kleah.”
I replied shyly, “Hello Father.”
I sat down in the chair facing perpendicular to him and we lifted our hands. In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen. He prayed and asked God that I may give a good confession.
Father forgive me for I have sinned. It’s been two weeks since my last confession.
In my hands was my notebook and as I read my sins aloud, the weight of my heart melted faster and I experienced a familiar feeling, where the weight of my heart began to disappear; like water evaporating into air on a sunny day. Slowly tears started to fall from my face and Father carefully handed me a box of tissues.
When I reached the final sin on my list, I momentarily stared at my notebook, released a short sigh, afraid to admit what was the greatest burden in my heart. As I began to speak, everything in me broke loose and tears streamed down my face because of the guilt I felt for feeling so hurt, especially since it was Easter — one of the most joyful liturgical seasons. I began to explain the frustration I felt against myself.
When I was done Father looked at me and said I was beautiful and that I had it all. He admitted that it was okay for me to feel sad and hurt for a moment; he even apologized that I had experienced such pain from my situation. But he continued to say that I must move on and look forward to greater things. He said that it’s good for me to have hope, to hope, and to continuously strive to trust God with everything. But in doing so, I also needed to trust in my own capabilities that God has blessed me with.
As penance Father asked me to reflect on my life and see how far God has taken me, how He hasn’t abandoned me all this time, and that He will continue to bless me with His grace.
Father told me to repeat, “Jesus I trust in You” for five minutes and assured me that if I needed to speak to him more, then he would be available next week, after he returns from Israel.
Everything Father said to me affirmed me and all of my worries. And it only makes sense to me now that I write this because Father Jim was the one who taught me how to forgive in different ways three years ago, and today he has continued to help me love those who have hurt me in another way through acceptance of my hurt and choosing to love, accept, and befriend them regardless.”
I was afraid to share this part of my life because it was the first time I had ever cried in confession. I was hesitant to share this, but I realized that this story isn’t about me coming to God and crying. This story is about God waiting for me to cry to Him.
In this story God waits with His mercy and goodness, with perfect love and assurance that everything is going to be okay, that I’m going to be okay, all because His love is greater than these.
The thought of completely surrendering my whole life to God has always been incredibly scary. It means that I don’t have any control. It means that I have to walk on a path that is unpredictable and full of surprises.
I’m not someone who prefers that at all. However, from this experience and realizing that God is always ahead of me, there’s really no point in trying to outrun Him. There really is no need for me to be afraid because I don’t have control over anything anyways. Instead of being scared, God continues to speak and He says:
Wherever you walk, there I will already be.
Thank You Lord. I trust in You. <3
Thank you for the reminder Kleah 🙂 <3