Wish I Was Here

Divided. Distracted. Detached. This is what I’ve been for the past few months.

Those who know me well can attest to the fact that I haven’t really been myself lately. In a conscious effort to remain cautious and vague in sharing personal details of my life on the internets, I’ll just say that I was going through one of the most intense struggles of choice that I’ve ever experienced.

In spite of the uncertain state that I found myself in day in and day out for the past few months, I continued to ACT like myself. I would try — to the very best of my abilities — to continue being the pensive, sometimes awkward, sometimes surprisingly offensive, externally considerate and internally inconsiderate person (all the while feeling naturally inclined to fight my nature) that I’ve grown into over my 26 years of life.

But I was never really here.
Where have I gone?

—

I used to believe that satisfaction of circumstance could be reinforced by choice, and while this can be valid in some situations, relying on this mindset as a means to ultimate satisfaction has only led me to feeling lost in my own ability to make choices.

Recent and significant life conflicts (and I’m continuing to remain intentionally vague), have caused quite a stir in my prayer life lately. So at the suggestion of an important brother in my life, I chose to not dwell on the choices I had to make, and instead just focus on what the Lord wants for me.

So. A few weeks ago, in a moment of complete surrender (again, remaining vague), the Lord made it abundantly clear that my decisions mean nothing, and that what He’s given me is worth everything.

And now I’m back. I’m here.

– Jesse R.
“I Am, and We are Missionaries”