Am I doing this right? This thing called life. What is my life’s purpose? My biggest fear is that I die before fulfilling what it is the Lord has sent me to do. And yet the more I try to pursue the path I think the Lord has called me on, the more I question if I’m doing it right.
Though at times I think I’m alright, that my heart is resting on still waters, there’ll be a wave of fear and uncertainty that rock me and catch me off-balance.
I am scared. There’s so much I do not know about in regards to my future. It seems like more and more people my age are already getting engaged and married (is it me or does marrying young seem to be making a come back?! That’s a discussion for another time). I’m perfectly fine with it, but then it leads down the path of others asking me about my love life and about if/when I will get married. Likewise people have some serious job titles under their belts at my age, while I’m here literally trying to get anything under the sun.
When people ask me about my love life or my career, that in itself doesn’t shake me. In fact I feel more secure being able to truthfully and honestly say I’m ready to give the “best years of my life”, while I am young and able, to serve the Lord in whatever way He calls me.
What shakes me is when I’m left in the silence after a while and question, what if I am wrong? What if this is not what God wants of me? Or what if I’m missing something and I need to work and develop myself a few more years before becoming a missionary. But if that’s true then Lord, why is job hunting so hard and am I not seeking the right opportunities to grow?!
I ran to mass today not knowing that these were the prayers and questions at the forefront of my heart. The first reading from 2 Tim 1:1-3,6-12 in itself hit me kinda hard. It was St.Paul addressing St.Timothy about persevering against worldly views and standards. That no matter what challenges or ridicule we face, it will always be worth it for Christ.
After receiving the Eucharist I went back to my pew as the choir started to sing. I felt the Lord’s message to me come through another all too familiar song from my childhood. He said,
You shall cross the barren desert, but you shall not die of thirst.
You shall wander far in safety though you do not know the way.
You shall speak your words in foreign lands and all will understand.
You shall see the face of God and live.
Be not afraid, I go before you always. Come follow me, and I will give you rest
The Lord is affirming me that He is going before me, making clear the path that He wants me to take. How else can I respond other than to be patient and trust Him. So for now I say, “Alright Lord! Lead the way!”
In Christ,
Meagan Webb