In the beginning of 2012, in my prayer I felt the Lord calling me to something big and so for the year I had been anticipating this big thing God had planned for me. As I journeyed through my service as a sector head, none of the events I served for or the major things that happened that year satisfied this big call that was lingering in my heart. After each day I still felt that there was something greater.
Near the end of 2012, the Lord called me to serve as the Area Head of GTA. I thought this was the big thing the Lord had me search for.
In February, the Lord provided an opportunity for me to attend a Come and See weekend at St. Augustine’s seminary. On the Saturday night, there was a planned social for those that attended the retreat to relax and hang out with the seminarian brothers there. We gathered first in the chapel to pray the liturgy of the hours and instead of going with everyone else, I stayed in the chapel. There was a peace there that I have never felt before. It was very familiar but also something that I longed for, and so I remained there for a couple hours. I just wanted to stay with Him. I just wanted to be with Him.
I then started attending a bi-weekly vocational discernment program. It started to become my nourishment. I tried my best to attend every single one and the odd week that I couldn’t attend I felt very empty (the same feeling like when you miss a household). It soon became something that I craved, something that I longed for.
After the vocational discernment program had ended, I met with the vocational director of the archdiocese of Toronto. I shared with him that there was a possibility that I would apply to the seminary for September. After talking a bit about how I felt called and my circumstances, he asked me what is holding me back from applying. I told him that I just wanted to make sure that there was no more doubts in my mind before I made the decision. The vocational director then told me that there will always be doubts and I will never be completely ready. After Father had said that, I already knew my decision.
Every decision that had led up to my application to the seminary was always peaceful. It felt natural. I finished my application during the beginning preparations of the Eastern True North Conference. Although I was able to keep busy with TNC prep, an anxiousness built up in me. As Conference drew closer, there was no answer from the archdiocese whether I was accepted or not and the anxiety continued to build.
I was asked to lead the closing praisefest on the Saturday night but I hesitated. I didn’t want to say yes because I felt that my water to wine experience wasn’t good enough. I thought, “I only applied to the seminary, I didn’t even get accepted. How is my application even a victory?” Throughout the entire conference I hoped that just before I went on stage, the vocational director would call me and I would be given the results of my application but to no avail there was no call.
Still, I stepped on that stage and I poured my heart out. I said yes to Him once more and trusted fully that my current situation and where I was exactly, is where the Lord wanted me to be in order to lead that prayer. I said yes despite my own plans happening. I said yes despite not even believing in myself.
When the Conference ended, my parents arrived at the venue to pick my sister and I up. When my mom stepped out of the car, she approached me immediately and handed me a letter and said, “This came for you in the mail.”
I was always affirmed by the little things. In the past year there was always little tugs in my heart whenever religious life came up in discussion. There were actually times when the tugs were so real that I would just scream because I didn’t know why it was happening. I was scared of what would happen. It wasn’t in my plan, my entire life I dreamed of having my own family (with 15 kids, haha).
After I sent in my application, in the most random times I would have this feeling in my heart that was both joy and peace. I heard the Lord whisper to me, “I am here, waiting for you. I will embrace you here. I will love you here.” The feeling would penetrate my heart so deep that I would have the urge of just running to the seminary, even if I was in a car on the highway I wanted to jump out and just start running. I just wanted to be with Him. I just wanted to fall into His arms. I just wanted to surrender everything.
In my entire life, I would have never expected that I would enter the seminary. Even when I spoke to some of my friends from high school they told me that out of our circle of friends, I would’ve been the least likely to ever join. The Lord had a plan for me, no matter how many times I fell. As long as I stood up again and gave Him another yes, everything was going to be okay. Actually, greater than I could have ever imagined. His love always wins.
I can’t believe that the guy who would swear after every other word, encouraged everyone to get drunk, indulged himself in mostly all sinful desires would one day strive to live a life of chastity and purity, devoted to the Lord. God is so amazing! How great are you Lord to save me, heal me, free me, bless me, love me! There is no one else but You. There is no other love that is greater! You are everything, You are all that I need. My King, my Saviour, my Life. I cannot express how overwhelmed I am. I cannot express how much I long for You. Thank You Lord. Praise God! Praise God! Praise God!
I love you Lord!
I enter the seminary tomorrow.