When I was a child I watched a lot of baseball with my brother, uncle, and grandfather. I used to imitate the swings of my favourite players (Ken Griffey Jr. had the best swing). One day I was in front of a large mirror in my living room practicing my swing with a hallow white plastic pole. The thing was, my parents made it clear to me to not practice swinging inside the house because I could break something. Well, they were out that day and I was confident I had a good grip and doubted that it could leave my hands because, you know, I was a professional baseball player. I started with light swings while checking out my form in the mirror. Feeling more impressed and confident with myself I decided to swing harder and harder so that it looked more realistic. I swung so hard that the pole flew from my hands and into the wall! I couldn’t believe my eyes. The pole thrusted right into the wall and remained sticking out. I froze for a good 2 minutes in disbelief. I eventually removed the pole and when I did, I could see that it left a extremely obvious black whole in the wall. I had no idea what to do so I left it there hoping my parents wouldn’t notice when they got home.
When I could hear my parents pulling in, fear surged and coursed through my whole body. I immediately went upstairs to my room on my bed which was on the top bunk, sunk my face in the pillow and curled up as close to the wall as possible. I could hear a faint cry in the distance “oh my, what happened?! Why is there a hole in the wall?!” Then I could hear steps going up the stairs. My parents came inside my room and realized that I did it because I was already crying. I couldn’t even look at them because I felt so shameful that I broke their trust and disobeyed them. I thought they wouldn’t love me anymore. I slowly turned around to face them with tears in my eyes and I said “it’s my fault, i did it. I’m sorry.” They first looked disappointed then I think my mom said, “don’t worry, your daddy can fix it.” They reminded me that they said it would happen that I would break something and to not do that again. They hugged and kissed me and I felt a great feeling—that I had never lost their love.
My point is, we fear to hurt those we love. The more we know someone loves us, the more we should be afraid to lose that relationship of abiding love. God loves me, and when I gravely sin against Him, I cut myself off from Him. I defiantly say to Him “I don’t want you in my life, I want what I want and You can’t stop me.” It’s like when I said to my parents in my heart “you can’t stop me from being disobedient and swinging this pole.” My disobedience to my parents left a hole in the wall, but my disobedience to the Lord leads to a hole in my heart. A void that grows larger each time I disobey.
Even as a young child, the Lord gave me grace to have perfect contrition. At first I felt bad because of the consequence I would receive from damaging the wall. However, when my parents were actually in my room, I felt bad because I sensed how much they loved me, and how much I hurt them. It was the reason why I cried so much.
Heavenly Father, may I be filled with fear at the thought of sinning not because of my fear of eternal hell, but because of simply hurting You, You who loves me eternally and unconditionally. Help me to have perfect contrition for my sins and to completely turn my life around in repentance. When I cannot stand, Lord, I will fall on You so that you can help me move forward on this journey in Your grace, always remembering Your great love for me. Amen.
