Swan Song

What do I deserve?
Let me begin at the end.

Over the next few days I’ll be preparing to move on from CFC-Youth and the Mission Volunteer Program in order to fully transition into the SFC ministry. My time as an MV has enriched my life, but rather than making the rather narrow minded claim that it was simply time well spent — ‘spent’ inferring that one’s time is to be treated like currency… that to which I would strongly disagree — I’ll say that it will remain for me, a time treasured.

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Deserve

I’ve been fixated on this word for the past few months now. There’s an incessant struggle on the battlefield of my inner monologue focused on the relation between what I feel I deserve, and what I desire in life. Can they be one and the same? Or is my human nature causing the former to be a selfish and deluded manifestation of the latter? Whatever the answer, there is a clear and very real conflict that stirs my heart when discerning where the Lord is asking me to be. The only solace I take joy from —  which I’ll admit is a rather contradicting idea — is that a life without conflict would be severely lacking if it were lent to produce an interesting narrative. So at least my life isn’t boring :p.

The Lord deserves excellence, that much has been made clear to me in this community by witnessing the youth in a perpetual chase of greater aspirations. I however, am a failure by every possible worldly definition, my academic history alone can attest to that. Heck, even in my own loosely defined meaning of success — which at times I use to justify my inability to act — do I consider myself to be a failure. Yet hidden somewhere in the collection of moments that results in my life — which contain both successes and missteps — is a silver lining, in that the Lord will always find success in me expressed through hope. Hope for a future with Him.

The Lord has blessed me richly, but in all honesty I’m still kind of a train-wreck. Most people don’t see it since I have the reputation of being calm and even, perhaps to a fault, stoic. But I know that in my reflections the Lord has continually asked me to be an open book of sorts in order to persuade revelation in others to see that it’s ok to be lost in desire, if only it results in finding the Lord.

Truthfully, I am a man deeply rooted in desire. I wanted so desperately to become a Full-Time Pastoral Worker for CFC-Youth Canada, but even in processing ongoing feelings of unworthiness and rejection, God still managed to quietly transform me into a missionary. Whatever form this takes over the next period of my life is still yet to be determined, but I am joyful in the fact that I was given the opportunity to experience life as an MV. So for those thinking of applying to the program, know that if you truly desire a life of mission, I implore you to apply for MV and the Lord will make it so.

I’ve learned that my life is not tied down to my own plans or expectations, but rather, the result of who I am today is due to a combination of loving acts by those who love me, and my own personal attempts to reach holiness. As an MV I had people who loved me, who prayed and interceded for me, people who I basically allowed to have a hand in my life narrative. This led to the truest and most beautiful representation of the joys found in community life that I’ve ever experienced. It’s through the relationships that I’ve held dear in this program that the Lord revealed to me that in order to trust Him fully and without hesitation I needed to lovingly accept the vision that others have crafted so delicately for me. Praise God for relationships.

Exposition and exploration of desire is a crossroads that ultimately leads to nowhere but in the Lord.

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The Lord somehow managed to masterfully design a journey for me where my desires led to my concept on what I deserve to be changed.

Objectively, the very idea of being deserved of anything is subject to a a selfish undertone.
Objectively, no one deserves anything!!! (Which is my subjective opinion :p)
BUT the Lord left us with a promise, one which I firmly believe He’ll deliver on.

So whether my thoughts and prayers over the past few months were rational or irrational, logical or illogical, true or misguided, the Lord found me where I was, took my hand, and led me to this place of peace.

So what do I deserve?
I deserve ABSOLUTELY nothing, but I will nonetheless be given the best in love.

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On a final note, after re-reading all of my blogs thus far, I’ll be the first to admit that my relationship with God and the way in which I choose to love Him is sometimes leaning too heavily on the intellectual and rational side. But a former MV now turned seminarian, Kris Gardiner, once suggested for me to love the Lord the same way I love my girlfriend/fellow MV Hannah Pambuan, that is… with my heart.

And so, I will love the Lord with my heart,
I will love the mission as I love the Lord,
I will love Hannah as I love the mission.
That is… with my heart.

Praise God for the gift of mission. Mission leads to God’s perfect plan for the family. So here at the end of all things do I stand with great joy supporting the mission in whatever capacity the Lord asks of me, undeservedly so.

– Jesse R.
“I Am, and We are Missionaries”

P.S. Words are fickle, so speak with intention. Whatever the result, know in confidence that it comes from The Lord.

P.P.S. This is as much for me, as it is for you 🙂