So be it

How fitting that on the Solemnity of the Annunciation I am prompted to recall the yes’s I have given to the will of God, in particular with this new path of discernment. Unlike Mary, of course, my yes was not so easily uttered.

Too many times have I deliberately ignored the Gabriels in my life, opting for messages of comfort rather than challenge. However, all of the greatest calls of God require the greatest sacrifices. In fact, any call from God, big or small, will demand less of self and more of Christ. So when I had spent what felt like years wrestling with the message of the Lord to simply open wide the door of my heart once and for all to becoming a mission volunteer, I, like Mary, was “much perplexed” (Luke 1:29). Actually, I was more petrified than anything else. There was nothing more frightening than coming face-to-face with the will of God. There was nothing more dismantling than recognizing the nothingness of myself and the everythingness of God, and if that weren’t enough, having to then acknowledge that even in my nothingness He still yearned for me. Wow. How could it be that in all of my resistance He still pursued my heart? It was precisely in these moments of prayer that I experienced my own intimate annunciations.

It became clear to me that I simply needed to stop dismissing and start discerning. I needed to stop fighting the Spirit. I needed to submit – not with a heart of defeat but with a heart of trust. After all, no one was ever left dismayed after saying yes to Christ, not Noah nor Moses, not Peter nor Mary – every yes to Christ is a yes to life and life to the full, at that.

Of course there are still moments where I am overtaken by doubt towards God’s will and power in my life, but I am comforted in knowing that if God can make fertile the barren (Luke 1:36) and bring divine life to the Virgin (Luke 1:35), He can do anything for me and through me, so long as I cooperate.  This is the most difficult part of it all. Cooperating does not only require a free and faithful yes, but a yes that says “I accept any circumstance”, “I embrace every cross”, “I lay me down”.

My fiat to the mission volunteer program, among all the other changes in my life with graduation, job search, and relationships, is but an act of giving to the Lord what rightfully belongs to Him – myself. It is a sincere yes to give this path it’s due amount of discernment before shutting the door completely (as I’ve already prematurely tried to do, to no avail).

I am not convicted, at least at the present time, of any outcome of this yes besides emerging from the program a more faithful daughter of God, ready to do whatever He wants for me. With Mary as my model, I simply want to make myself His handmaid and bring Christ into the world. My yes for the Lord to use me for His glory is captured precisely in the words of Blessed John Henry Newman:

“God has created me to do Him some definitive service; He has committed some work to me which He has not committed to another. I have my mission…He has not created me for naught.” 

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O Holy Spirit, spouse of Mary, discipline my heart to say “yes” without delay. Let my “yes” be given freely, without bitterness or resentment. Keep me from asking why but instead asking how. How, O Lord do you desire to use me today? How, O Lord can I please you today? I know that your requests for me will never be easy – it will be life changing and self-sacrificing, just as it was for the young Virgin. Whatever it may be, give me the heart to trust in the Father’s divine will and the feet to go with haste to do what I’ve been asked. O that I could bring Christ into this world as Mary did!