Right now, I am currently writing this blog while hanging out in my hotel room. Three days into the trip, there is something deep within me that is unnerving. I thought it began with my flight here.
Upon landing in the airport, I was so captivated by the countless stars in the night sky. I was so blessed to have an opportunity to star-gaze with the Lord. It was definitely a perfect moment. Each star was placed specifically in that spot by the Lord; each star had its own purpose. Though its purpose is unknown, it still shone so beautifully. I began to wonder: ‘Why did the Lord create me? What’s my purpose?’
The plane landed shortly after, so my reflection was disrupted. And to be honest, I brushed the thought to the side, much like the past few weeks. The trip progressed, and you would assume that I would be so ecstatic about the sun, warm weather, shopping, fancy shows, and restaurants–don’t get me wrong–I know that these are huge blessings. And I am so grateful for them. But even with all its worldly grandeur, it fell into the theme of my life for the past few weeks: passing.
I guess things just got so piled up for the past few weeks that I allowed myself to just be spiritually numb to everything. It reflected in my prayer life, my relationships with those around me, my service, and the resonating absence of patience (a virtue I so tirelessly struggled with the Lord to slowly instil within me). For the past few weeks I witnessed so many victories and received so many blessings. My head knew that this was amazing and that the Lord should be unceasingly praised about it, but my heart just continued to say “meh.” This is what made (and still continues to do so) me feel so unnerving. I know that deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down inside I urgently desire to be so in tune with the Lord; I desire that we be so in tune that our connection would be inseparable. In a response to this, I have been trying to change my ‘prayer structure’ but have yet to find something that will allow me to just be with the Lord. This inner-displacement within my heart is what keeps me from stepping towards that. Or so I thought.
I believe that I am a shooting star. These stars that you catch passing by are so beautiful, but so morbid at the same time. From what I know of, shooting stars are actually stars that are burning out or ‘about to die.’ And I am like this star, passing by. The reality is, also, that I am about to burn out and this heart of mine will ‘die.’ For this, I praise God! Why? Because there is hope. Like the disciples and Mama Mary waiting for the Holy Spirit after the Ascension of our Lord, I must patiently wait for the Lord to send the Holy Spirit to make my heart anew.
Jesssssss! This is awesome!