True North Missionaries Journal

About two months ago, a couple I know was supposed to get married. I say was because two weeks before their supposed big day, they called it off. The bride to be asked the groom to be to sign an 8 paged prenuptial agreement and this didn’t sit well with him. As soon as news broke that the wedding was called off, we started having discussions regarding what and why it might have happened as well as the ramifications that came with it. We concluded that the bride does not seem committed because she’s already thinking of the marriage ending on a sour note  and how their assets are to be divided if things don’t work out. In the same way, if the groom really loved the bride to be, he should have lowered his pride and signed it; As difficult as it must be for him to do. For both of them, love should have trumped all and the need for the prenuptial agreement should not have been there in the first place.

Around this time as well, I was also asked to discern for a new service role. My reason for going to New Jersey was to attend the wedding as well as have some peace and quiet especially since the past few months were filled with events. I also wanted to spend time with my relatives who reside in the US and those visiting from the Philippines. But alas, discernment was thrown in the mix. As I was reflecting one morning, the discernment and the prenuptial agreement were the things I happened to focus on because I realized, when we are discerning for a new service role, we shouldn’t go into it with a pre-service agreement or thinking as such:

“Hey God, I’m going to say yes to serve you as (insert position here) but please give me an assurance, give me a sign that if I get bored in a role or it gets too hard, I’ll be moved after two years.” or “Hey (service head / household head!), I’ll say yes if I like who my new counterpart is. But if I end up not liking the way they do things, can you please move one of us?” Or  say yes to the service role with the thought that if it gets too difficult, then we should have a one on one with our household head and tell them we’re stepping down.

The “higher” our role in the service hierarchy is, more things will be expected of us. We will have to do more and we will be pulled in different directions: two meetings in one night, three one on ones in a span of two days, numerous emails we have to reply to. Sometimes, we have to make a call and cancel some things previously planned in order to accommodate an emergency meeting for an issue that is more pressing.  Add to that the things we have to do for school or work as well as our responsibilities at home, there will be times when it can get overwhelming and the thought of wanting an easier service role will constantly hound our thoughts.

Service is never easy. But it should not mean that we won’t exert effort to fight for it when things are too much to bear. We should not go into it with the mentality that we can step down anytime as soon as things don’t go our way. When things get hard, we do our best to exhaust all our options, try our best to resolve things, and seek to improve rather than give up. When serving, our pride should be one of the first things to go and we need to remember to ask for help from others because we are a community, after all. Our CCs and fellow leaders are there to guide and journey with us – all we need to do is ask so that they will know how best to support us. Even if we don’t understand why our leaders are asking us to do things we may not be comfortable with, we need to remember to trust in their discernment. More importantly, to trust God that He will be with us as we do His work and that He will carry us through it. When we serve or when we say yes to a new service, it should be with our entire hearts. Unconditionally because God deserves nothing but the very best from us. Above all, our love for God and nothing else should be the force that drives us to say yes and go beyond ourselves.

Lord, as the year comes to a close, I pray for all the potential leaders who are being discerned for and all the incoming and continuing leaders who have said their yes to serve You. May you guide them in their discernment and may they look to You as they lead and serve their members in the year to come. Allow them to remember to turn to You and Your love when things get difficult. 

There is always time to find the fun time in our service. Not only being always serious but also time to enjoy our journey with our counterparts, couple coordinators and fellow leaders. The experience we have with one another are not just coming from planning events or being at events with one another but the experience come from the fellowship that we have with one another. Today during direction setting we always found time for fellowship with one another even if it is just couple minutes or just staying up playing crazy games and laughing at the out comes that happen. I am truly blessed to be traveling with CFC Youth Edmonton in my discernment to the vocation that God is calling towards. Especially figuring out if he is calling me to missionary life.

Through them they have shown and reminded me that I should not forget to always have fun in my service and my journey with Jesus. That we are here to not to be serious but also add the fun factor to it.

Jesus Calls Us To Have Child Like Heart.

Yesterday I spent the first half of my night at Guildford Seniors to visit Father John. I was really happy and hopeful on my way there. Working at a seniors home during the day, I have always appreciated seeing the families who come in and visit. I don’t have my grandparents here with me, so when there is the chance to visit a friend or a friend’s loved one it’s such a blessing.

Fr John was not in his room when I came in; the nurse said he was at the lounge area since it was just after dinner. When I saw him he had his right hand stretched out over a lady beside him, seeming like he was giving her a blessing because she was crying. I was watching this for a good 2-3 minutes because he still hasn’t seen me yet. Then he turns around, says hi to Neil (hi Neil), looks at me, then smiles. I knew that he had asked for me before and he said that he was glad that I was there to visit him. This made so happy haha.

We went to his room and just started talking. He was telling me all the physical pain he was feeling. He said that his head was feeling numb because he fell from his bed last night, and that he can hear me just fine but he couldn’t hear himself too well. After a couple minutes, he showed me this book called “The Divine Mysteries of the Holy Rosary.” He flipped through a couple pages and made me read out a paragraph on the mystery of The Annunciation. He said that this book is so helpful and is so important for us to visualize and live through the mysteries in great detail. So he points to this particular section and tells me to read it out loud:

“The bodily shape of the heavenly Queen was well proportioned and taller than is usual with other maidens of her age; yet extremely elegant and perfect in all its parts. Her face was rather more oblong than round, gracious and beautiful, without leanness or grossness; its complexion clear, yet of a slightly brownish hue; her forehead spacious yet symmetrical; her eyebrows perfectly arched; her eyes large and serious, of incredible and ineffable beauty and dove-like sweetness, dark in color with a mixture tending toward green; her nose straight and well shaped; her mouth small, with red-colored lips, neither too thin nor too thick. All the gifts of nature in Her were so symmetrical and beautiful, that no other human being ever had the like. To look upon Her caused feelings at the same time of joy and seriousness, love and reverential fear. She attracted the heart and yet restrained it in sweet reverence; her beauty impelled the tongue to sound her praise, and yet her grandeur and her overwhelming perfections and graces hushed it to silence. In all that approached Her, She caused Divine effects not easily explained; She filled the heart with heavenly influences and Divine operations, tending toward the Divinity.” -Description of Our Lady from The Mystical City of God, (Pt II, Bk 3, Ch 2).

I had a smile on my face as I looked back up at him, and oh man. I saw his eyes so wide and his smile so sincere as if he was telling me “See? Do you see her yet?” He was also looking past my shoulders as if he was smiling at someone else; as if Our Lady really was in the room.

We talked again for some time after this. I also asked if he would be willing to hear my confession and he said, “Of course.” Before I left, he told me to encourage the young to be good and be holy now. And that in life, two things are important: to be honest and to be sincere. He also asked me to pray for him, and I said I do and I have in my prayers all the time.

During our SFC Household, we began to discuss the difficulty of the cultural differences here in Israel. Somewhere in the conversation, this topic came up: In Jewish culture, why do men sit apart from the women? Why do the men come first at the synagogue? One of the SFC sisters asked this question to her employer upon having a discussion about Christians and Jews. Her employer simply explained that it’s not to discriminate. Women spend their whole day taking care of the children, cooking for the family, cleaning and serving the household in so many ways. So the men, in turn, serve the family in prayer. They sit separately because the men must come earlier to the synagogue to pray for their families. Women later follow after they finish their tasks at home and rest and then join the men in prayer at the synagogue.

When she explained this, I felt amazed because all these years, I thought it was just out of hierarchy. But in reality, the reason being is because it’s their way of serving their families, and it is in PRAYER. It then reminded me of the service culture of our own community. We all have different ways of serving one another. And even beyond the community, different cultures and races have different ways of serving others. At the end of the day, we are all unified in service through the intention of LOVING ONE ANOTHER. To truly be Christ-like is to see this intention in others, and to pull away from judgement (which in fact, tends to be the main cause of division – JUDGEMENT and resultingly, PRIDE). Upon this discussion, I realized one thing…

Why are we always encouraged to talk to everyone, or mingle?

At first, I thought that the reason is so that we can challenge ourselves to truly move out of our comfort zones so that others may know that we are approachable… that we are available. But after the household, I realized it can also be something very simple. It is not so much to show others how approachable we are or to show them that we are available, but to also allow ourselves to increase our scope of seeing the Lord wherever we are. And it is also to break the limits of where we see God.

“God is Good,
All the time!
All the time,
God is Good!

God is where?
EVERYWHERE!
And everywhere,
God is there!”

If we truly believe God is EVERYWHERE, then this realization must be true. Jewish or Catholic, the truth stands…

We are all capable of LOVE.

When we remove all judgement, all that rests is peace, love, hope, and respect for one another. And in that love, we become one in the Lord, Who is Love.

Baruch Hashem!
(Praise be to God!)

…Even in the Jewish language, there is a way to PRAISE THE LORD (haha) !!!

TOTUS TUUS.

My family is the most important part of my life. And although some of my actions towards them may not seem like it, I truly do love them. They definitely are one of the heaviest crosses that I carry with in my journey. I cannot remember any sharings that I have done without having to break into tears because of them. It used to be difficult for me to express my love for them, but by God’s grace and because of this beautiful community, I was given the courage to really express it in ways that I have never done so before.

I have had my fair share of struggles within my family during this past year, but through it all, one thing that I can definitely say for sure is that, the Lord had continued to provide and be present through and through.

In many of my reflections this past year leading up to this present moment, the Lord was loud and clear. It IS necessary to suffer. In order to experience true joy, one must go through a season of suffering. It is in our present sufferings that we learn the true value of our joys. It is in our present sufferings that we gain the many graces and blessings. But we can be sure that, “…the gifts of grace increase as the struggles increase.” – St. Rose of Lima.

In having said that, I feel that, this is where the Lord continually tests me in my faithfulness to Him. And I strongly do believe that, it is through understanding and having complete faith and trust in the Lord that helps to surpass all difficulties.

Throughout this year, I continued to question the Lord in all of His doings. And in many of my reflections, the Lord continued to reveal to me the same message. He is in fact, very intentional. But in being intentional, He is purposeful as well. He is purposeful, intentional and very specific in all of His dealings with us. He breaks us with a purpose. And in breaking us, it is only to build us back up stronger than we were before. It is through our sufferings that the Lord makes His will known and apparent. Without the trials, how would we know what true happiness or true joy really is? And how will we have the desire for the all of the true, good and beautiful things that He has promised to us?

In having a heavy cross, I have accepted and am willing to continue carrying it for as long as the Lord so desires. Yes, I am weak. And yes, I have fallen many times, but because the Lord has not given up on me, who am I to give up on Him? The Lord was both human and divine and yet, he showed His human nature in His weakness and sufferings through the cross. He embraced His cross with passion and humility. Just as the Lord had done, I too am called to carry and embrace my cross with humility and utmost surrender.

“Although the cross speaks of suffering, it signifies love.” (Shout out to the person who gave a session on the passion of the Lord on the cross this past year. I just can’t remember who.)

Excerpt from the Life of St. Rose of Lima

Our Lord and Savior lifted up his voice and said with incomparable majesty: “Let all men know that grace comes after tribulation. Let them know that without the burden of afflictions it is impossible to reach the height of grace. Let them know that the gifts of grace increase as the struggles increase. Let men take care not to stray and be deceived. This is the only true stairway to paradise, and without the cross they can find no road to climb to heaven”.

When I heard these words, a strong force came upon me and seemed to place me in the middle of a street, so that I might say in a loud voice to people of every age, sex and status:“Hear, O people; hear, O nations. I am warning you about the commandment of Christ by using words that came from his own lips: We cannot obtain grace unless we suffer afflictions. We must heap trouble upon trouble to attain a deep participation in the divine nature, the glory of the sons of God and perfect happiness of soul”.

That same force strongly urged me to proclaim the beauty of divine grace. It pressed me so that my breath came slow and forced me to sweat and pant. I felt as if my soul could no longer be kept in the prison of the body, but that it had burst its chains and was free and alone and was going very swiftly through the whole world saying:

“If only mortals would learn how great it is to possess divine grace, how beautiful, how noble, how precious. How many riches it hides within itself, how many joys and delights! Without doubt they would devote all their care and concern to winning for themselves pains and afflictions. All men throughout the world would seek trouble, infirmities and torments, instead of good fortune, in order to attain the unfathomable treasure of grace. This is the reward and the final gain of patience. No one would complain about his cross or about troubles that may happen to him, if he would come to know the scales on which they are weighed when they are distributed to men”.

Lord, thank you for the trials and tribulations that You have allowed me to experience. Increase my sufferings, and with them, increase Your love in my heart. Only by Your grace can I reach eternal happiness and immense joy. Teach me patience, teach me humility, teach me to love even more than I can imagine.

St. Rose, lily among the thorns, pray for us.
St. Rita, advocate of the impossible, pray for us.
Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, have Mercy on us.
Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us.

It’s already November and it’s almost the end of the year. I’ve been recently reflecting on the things that happened this year. Last night, I was talking to a sister and I was telling her how busy it was this year. To be honest, I couldn’t believe how I was able to go through all of that. There was even a point (or many points this year) when I told myself, “I don’t think I can do this.” I am so overwhelmed by the things that were happening, but praise God because I am here today and still joyful in serving Him.

“And what is the exceeding greatness of His power toward us who believe, according to the working of His mighty power.” – Ephesians 1:19

God is powerful. He is the Almighty. He is the source of our strength. Surely, when we believe in God, we do believe all these, but most of the time we are faced with situations that makes us question this. We often see ourselves asking, “Do I really believe that His power rests on me, and am I worthy of this? Can I do this?”

God’s power is greater than any power. It is limitless. It shows no boundaries. We do not have to strive or question ourselves to have strength for it has already been given to us. In the Gospel of Luke, Jesus said “Behold, I have given you power…” We need to believe this. We need to believe that our strength does not only come from us, but from Him. Yes, nothing is impossible with Him, but through Him, (our) impossible is nothing.

“‘Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet My unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor My covenant of peace be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you. – Isaiah 54:10

The Lord gives us strength because He loves us so much. He said in the book of Isaiah that no matter what happens, His love will remain. This is just such a good reminder for me that even though I am thrown into the fire, I know His fire of love will be embracing me. He loves us so much that He would do anything for us. When we feel weak, He would give us strength. When we are troubled, He will provide peace. When we are down, He will lift us up. When we lose hope, He will be our light. When the whole world turns away from us, He will be there by our side; embracing us with His love. He will do all of these for us, but we need to allow Him to do so. We need to open our hearts to Him. He created us to know Him, love Him, and centre our lives on Him. Let us love Him the way He loves us.

Psalm 63:1-5 O God, You are my God, earnestly I seek You; my soul thirsts for You, my body longs for You, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen You in the sanctuary and beheld Your power and Your glory. Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify You. I will praise You as long as I live, and in Your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise You. Amen

At Pacific Region’s weekend retreat, we were able to reflect on the past year and its victories and struggles. A very common theme among the each person’s sharing, including me, was it was a year of great suffering, of stretched and expanded hearts. Praise God. Then we reflected on next year’s upcoming theme of “Love More”. “How is the Lord calling me beyond my mission? How is the Lord calling me to love until it hurts?” After reflecting on the past year and how I felt the Lord was calling me through suffering, He instructed me to do something which opened the floodgates of my fear: “You have suffered well for Me, but now I want you to die to yourself.”

When I heard those words from Him, my heart was shook with so much fear as a recollection of struggles flooded my mind. Admittedly, this year of suffering was very hard for me, and when the Lord revealed His message for me to die to myself, it was hard for me to accept. Because, thinking that if I just went through a year of suffering where I asked the Lord “what more do you want from me,” so many times, I can’t imagine how it would be if He wants me to die. At this point I was overwhelmed, stubborn and blinded by my own selfishness. I saw discomfort, helplessness as I forgot to see the greatness of God throughout the year in ALL aspects of my life.

Man, am I so selfish. My own selfishness brought me to tears because I couldn’t bear the thought of feeling hurt, pain, and loneliness, and not just through suffering, but through complete surrender in death. My own selfishness desired comfort, security an easier path. I realized I’m desiring the exact opposite of what I desired and prayed for when entering the Mission Volunteer program– the narrow gate. And my selfishness tempts me to take the wider gate.

As I figured out my own pride and selfishness taking over me, I reflected on the past year. From there came peace and hope because I realized there was no reason for me to be scared, because Christ showed His faithfulness to me from this past year. In my suffering He blessed me a hundredfold and kept me close, especially through Mother Mary. He has lifted me up time and time again and I know this year and for the rest of my days He will keep lifting me up no matter how stubborn, selfish or ignorant I am. Although I am overwhelmed by His message to me, I am affirmed that He wants me to die to myself so that I can belong to Him. I am affirmed that this ache in my heart is a result of my selfish hand resisting to submit my Heart to His mighty and gentle hand. I am affirmed that by whatever death the Lord is calling me to will lead me to a greater union with His Sacred Heart and mother Mary’s Immaculate Heart. I am affirmed that I am loved!

Lord I realize how much you desire me, so much to strip away all of my selfishness and pride to make me a saint. I am still scared of what is to come but I ask You to strengthen me through your Mother. Overwhelm me with Your love and Mercy, O God.

Most Sacred Heart of Jesus have mercy on me. Immaculate Heart of Mary pray for us.

Totus tuus