I don’t know how many people use or have used a vanity table. Most I’ve seen have 3 mirrors. It was my first time actually sitting in front of one and when I did, it was exciting and amusing. The first thing I thought was, “Where can I get one of these? It’s so easy to get ready. I don’t have to turn my head to see all the different angles while fixing my hair and make up.” I was so excited and so pleased to see how easily I could catch and fix all the bad angles. Then I caught myself and thought, “How IS this really beneficial for me. All it does is ‘fix’ the superficial.”

How many times in service (whether it is in the community, in church, in our families, in our friendships and in our employment) do we find ourselves hovering over this vanity table complex? There have been countless times where I have caught myself wanting to do something to LOOK like a good leader, or a good daughter, or to look like the best, the strongest, or the most capable. I used to want to do the things that were good so that I could look good and not because I truly wanted to serve those around me. And then I would catch myself, stop, then repeat the cycle. It became toxic, but it was easier. But to truly be a servant was never meant to be easy. From the very beginning, Jesus pointed out exactly what servanthood entitled us to. It wasn’t to gain a title of being the best or most capable of being good.

The only things servanthood entitles us to is sacrifice and surrender to the Lord, and sometimes, silence.

It is being good, as our Father is Good, with no entitlement and in silence. True servanthood seeks no recognition; it seeks only Love. Now this isn’t to say sitting in front of a vanity table is a sin, but it is to say that I realized that judgement of vanity goes beyond the superficial. It is not the action itself that makes it vain, but the true intention of the heart.

How have I learned to break out of this cycle? Honestly speaking, I don’t think it has or ever will permanently disappear. The reality is, I’m a sinner, and far from perfect. But what I have found fruitful is to seek the Lord. In all the things I do or say, I try to lead my heart wholeheartedly to seek the Lord always and see Him in me and those around me. That way, I am not “training” my body and my heart to be good, but rather “teaching” and learning myself how to TRULY BE GOOD, and live in the image of my Father Who IS Good. I will never be able to “fix” the imperfections to maintain a perfect look. In fact, that is impossible. But that’s what makes it beautiful, in the imperfections, I take comfort in knowing that it brings me closer to my brothers and sisters in Christ. We are truly a community of totally imperfect people, yearning and desiring to know God Who is Perfect. And in our trials, we are all journeying in a life lesson of love.

♥

 Lord, I ask that You allow me to learn to not guard my heart from temptation, but rather LEAD it closer to You. In all that I do, say, and think, may I always be able to see You first, and give thanks for Your Presence and living victory in my life.

Amen.

TOTUS TUUS.

Yesterday I went to mass at the same church I usually go to at 12:10pm. Just another normal day. After mass I spent a long time just writing in my journal. I looked up and it was around 1:20pm and I noticed that the altar was being set up for adoration. This was odd because at this parish they normally do not have adoration at this time.

I took it as a sign that I should stay for adoration. Such a good way to spend my time after the weekend being so #eventful. Little did I know how eventful the rest of my time at adoration would be.

After a few moments of seeing that the altar was being setup for adoration, I saw around 8 or 9 priests sitting in the pews… I thought to myself “what the heck is going on?” When the procession started I could not help but feel so humbled. To be adoring Christ alongside priests from the Archdiocese of Toronto.

After the opening prayers, the priest leading the procession sat behind a small desk beside the altar and he was just talking. He was sharing about some of meditations. And whenever he did he would always pull out a verse from the bible and expanded on his meditation.

This felt like a “Household for Fathers.” For those who do not know what a household is, it is a time of the month where members of Couples for Christ and it’s family ministries (Singles for Christ, CFC-Youth, etc.) meet to praise and worship God, and learn more about one’s faith through the experiences of the members of the household. This is what I experienced with these priests. A “household” usually consist of praise and worship, discussions and fellowship. The biggest difference was their praise and worship, discussions and fellowship was in the form of the Adoration, through the silence of their hearts, standing before God having a one on one with Him.

There were 2 topics that the head priest discussed. One was about lukewarmness. The other topic was about Mary & Joseph.

Regarding the topic of lukewarmness, the priest was sharing about the different struggles priests deal with. For priests to minister to the community they need stick true to their prayer time, like the liturgy of the hours. This also means to act when inspired by the Holy Spirit. This means to drop everything you are doing and do what you are called to. For example, using CFC-Youth experiences, if you know that there is an assembly coming up and there is some work that needs to be done, like making phone calls to household members, just do it!

Do not give in to laziness. When serving God in ministry work we need to keep busy. The more we keep busy, the more souls we encounter, the more responsibility we are given, leads to a bigger victory for God.

After this discussion, there was confession available for the priests. To see a priest enter a confessional just brought so much feels in my heart.

After confession the head priest came out again to discuss Mary & Joseph. The love that they have is something that we as Christians can turn to to really understand what love is. To understand love we must first understand the spirit of poverty (or detachment). Poverty in a sense is the detachment from our own desires and looking for what God desires. It is difficult to love poverty if you don’t love what it brings. When we live a life of poverty, it allows for the Lord to work within us because living in poverty says that I need God and He is all that I need.

During my time in front of the Blessed Sacrament I could not help but ask the Lord “Why?” But I knew that to be surround with these priests I must humble myself and accept that I am being pastored right now like a “father”. Whenever the priest would refer the priests he would say stuff like “my fellow priests”. I could not help but feel so affirmed as an MV that the Lord is calling me to be a pastor within this family ministry of  CFC-Youth. In essence that is what we as lay people of the Catholic Church. Especially the men, that we are called to be priests wherever we are called to be.

I can say with great confidence that the Lord has been preparing me for a new chapter of my life. I believe that I am now prepared for what the Lord has for me. I am definitely called to love more.

Thank You Lord for these experiences. May your love for me and your people continue to grow as we grow closer to You. 

And with that may God be forever praised.

 

Somewhere down the road, I had hardened my heart. I had always deeply cared for marginalized populations, and upon my graduating year of university, I decided that I wanted to serve them somehow. Whether it be the homeless, at-risk, criminalized or addicted, I wanted to work with and for them. But along the way… my heart had hardened. I can’t pick out the exact point when this happened, but when I did end up getting a job as a Frontline Worker for a Non-Profit Organization here in Ottawa, it became increasingly clear that it was nowhere near the way I had idealized in my mind.

The first program I had worked for was great, with kind and smiling tenants. I learned a lot there and loved it quite a bit. (http://truenorthblog.couplesforchrist.ca/invisible-crosses/)

However, after a few months, I began training for a new program, one in which I received far more shifts, while my shifts at the first place decreased. I had come to this new program unprepared for what I would face. There were women who formed hard shells because of their difficult pasts, which hardened further because of their current circumstances. They had faced all sorts of abuse throughout their lives, and many of whom are also taking/addicted to hard drugs and are street entrenched. With an undergrad in Psychology and only research under my belt, I had come unequipped to help these women; with personalities like tough leather, who swore, yelled and oftentimes ignored me. It was hard for me to find joy in the work I did while I was washing away vomit from the back porch, picking up needles from the washroom floor, and trying to calm myself down after calling the police. (http://truenorthblog.couplesforchrist.ca/sent/)

 A few months after, I started working for the government full-time, a quiet desk job, and I stopped showing up at my other work. But somehow… I had changed.

 There are times when I would be acutely aware of this change within me. In fact, I went to conference hoping that God would give me back what I had somehow lost. Please return to me my love for the poor. I had left with different prayers answered, and what’s more, I moved to a larger city, with an even larger homeless population.

 Last Wednesday, I decided to run some errands before my bestfriend came down to visit me for a few days. I walked by the cornerstore where a man stood; one that I’ve never seen before. He was heavy-set with scruffy hair and a cane. I couldn’t see his face, but then again, I wouldn’t have anyway since I tried to walk quickly by while looking at the ground opposite to where he had stood.

 I dropped by the Dollarama down the street and picked up some hand soap and a small rug for boots, among other things. With my arms full, I made my way to the register and one person ahead of me stood the man from earlier. I watched as he looked at the chips in his hands and put it back. I watched as he dropped his cane and no one helped him get it, not even me. I watched him count out his dimes and nickels to buy the juice and halls. I was a coward, and I did nothing but watch. When my turn at the register came, I added the chips to my bill, hoping that I would see that man again tomorrow and give it to him. As I was walking out the side door I thought better of it and tried to look for him, to no avail. When I couldn’t find him, somehow I wanted to weep, not because of what had happened, but because for the first time, I saw myself for what I had become… I had seen Jesus. I saw him and instead of looking at his eyes and offering a smile, I had actively ignored him. I saw Him and was too much of a coward to do anything, pre-occupied with the load I had in my own arms. I saw Jesus, and did nothing. And as I stood there, seeing and acknowledging this ugliness and selfishness within me, I felt my heart begin beating again. In a way, the scales from my eyes fell.

In this time of Advent, may we truly seek to understand what it means to give love, especially to those who really are in need of it. May we do acts of charity and kindness out of love for our neighbour and be willing to spread the joy within our hearts.

“Our works of charity are nothing but the over-flow of our love of God from within.” -Blessed Mother Teresa

My Lola Mary, and I were on our way somewhere that required a long drive and I remember she asked me if we can do the Rosary. Immediately after we made the sign of the Cross, my Lola started listing out prayer intentions in great detail, “Lord please provide care for (name) and her high blood sugar. (name) and his poor health. Mike to have a job soon… etc”. I remember her praying in detail for family members struggling in the Philippines, and for people I don’t even know. I was shocked, inspired and in awe of her long list detailed prayer intentions that went on for a good 2-3 minutes.

My Lola is 90 years old. I’ve taught her how to access her picture gallery on her cellphone with one click, and program the television to TFC (Filipino channel) when its on a different channel at least half a dozen times each in the past year. These all tell me that my Lola’s memory isn’t as good as it used to be. BUT when it comes to prayer intentions, she has them engraved in her heart and can recite them easily if requested. This tells me so much about my Lola and how much she loves, and how full of the Holy Spirit she is. To do something as simple as listing prayers, which for her intellectually faded state I’d think is extremely difficult.

My Lola loves and desires to love those around her with great detail. So much that she lists these prayers everyday. How much more does the Lord love me? One who is Omniscient and Love Itself. One who is desiring me every moment and not just a day at a time. It’s unfathomable to me how great in detail the Lord loves or desires to love me. I can’t imagine how much He is hoping for me, fighting for me to be with Him, sending me so many graces just so i can say “yes” to being loved by Him.

Thank You God for loving and desiring to love me so much. Thank You for giving my Lola Mary to be an example of what it means to be a prayer warrior that prays unceasingly.

Mother Mary, please dispense the graces to whatever details of my heart which need to receive God’s love, and grant me the graces to pray for others like you do.

Totus tuus

I’m surrounded by the desire to love and be loved. During this holiday, it’s so easy to get caught up in this “love scene”. Having all the Christmas music, seeing the malls filled with couples and families and friends, and even sitting at a cafe right now, listening to a playlist of love songs… it led me to think, with all the romanticized ideas and traditions of this season of love, how many of us really open ourselves up to truly know Love? How many of us really remember the Reason to celebrate when the season has arrived? As I listened and relaxed to my playlist of love songs, all I could suddenly hear was:

Sing Me a love song…

How beautiful would it be to see the clusters of people in the malls as clusters of people, anticipating to the Adoration Chapel? What if instead of waiting for hours in front of stores, those line-ups were of people willing to wait hours, arriving so early to receive the True Gift in the Most Holy Eucharist, most specially during this season? What if instead of yearning for the secular fulfillment of love, we pray for the clarity to realize how we are already being called to witness to the Greatest Love – God, Himself, humbly coming to us in the form of mankind?

During this season, I can’t help but sit in this cafe, smiling and laughing to myself. I was listening to love songs, and I can’t help but think of the joy I have in this moment alone; the joy I have in being able to really just be me… to be here. The joy of thinking of Christmas, and feeling excited to celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus, as opposed to just feeling excited about seeing what gifts I will receive or buy/ make for others (which is how it all used to be for me)… The joy of not feeling so swayed to relate a love song to a past relationship, or a specific person, but simply enjoying the song for its own tune – for what it is. The joy of being able to simply anticipate and celebrate His True Gift. That, to me, is a blessing.

With what will happen during this season, and/ or what will happen after it, I don’t know. But in all the unknown, I find peace in knowing He has already taken care of it all, and He is always loving and taking care of Me and all I hold dear in my heart. He is rooting and building my desires in love, beginning with HIS LOVE. And this is evident in all the things He has already blessed me with (i.e. safety, a blessed mission trip, the upcoming family business and the blessings of its preparations, and so much more)! So this Christmas, I will sing Love its love song…

JOY.

“I know, my God, that thou triest the heart, and has pleasure in uprightness; in the uprightness of my heart I have freely offered all these things, and now I have seen thy people, who are present here, offering freely and joyously to thee.”

(1 Chronicles 29: 17)

Thank You, Lord.

Amen.

On Friday I finished my last exam of this semester! Well technically of this school year. Bittersweet feeling I must say.. Because after stressing so much the past four months about my part time courses, I now have time off school until the end of April.

What first came into mind was, “Man, this really sucks. If I hadn’t of screwed up last year I would have been able to graduate this coming April 2015.” Another thought was, “Now what am I going to do now until my internship in May?!” …All this negativity just circling my brain.

Because I was unable to do my internship in May-August 2014, I wasnt able to continue on to fourth year – thus setting my graduation date a year late. It was emotionally draining me because I knew I wasn’t going to graduate with some of my friends I’ve met and adored from first year. I didn’t exactly know how to break it to my parents that I couldn’t continue with school because I didn’t want them to worry about the financials. And lastly, I didn’t want people thinking “low” of me because I wasn’t graduating on time…

Then I realized, because of this “huge” mishap, I was able to experience great things this summer and come end of this year. Here are a few,

1. I went to Vancouver! For those who don’t know, I haven’t been on a plane since I’ve migrated from the Philippines back in 1998. So that’s been a very long time! This was also the first trip I’ve gone to without my parents, or any family member, so think about how nerve wracking that must have been for me! The anxiety of getting on the plane for the first time and independently travelling was such a blessed experience.
2. I attended TNC 2014! This has been my biggest blessing in the community yet. Being in CFC-Y since 2005, having been able to attend the True North Conference with brothers and sisters from all over Canada was almost mind blowing to me. Yes I’ve attended past conferences, but this one was different. I’ll share this in another blog, hehe.
3. I have grown more, emotionally and spiritually. With this small set back I had from school, I dealt with a lot of negative emotion. But the Lord still continued to bless me. The amount of times I seeked Him in order to distract myself from harming myself in one way or another. This year was all about trust and acceptance – everyone can attest that. I cannot begin to explain the amount of blessings He has showered me this year. The thought of not graduating with my friends definitely saddened me, but what I am grateful for was their friendship in the end. I am just so grateful that I met these amazing friends I can bring along in my journey and to hear that they will continue to support me definitely brought a smile to my face. Secondly, after explaining to my parents about what happened, I noticed the sincere worry they had on their faces. Not because they were disappointed that I was not going to graduate on time, but because deep down they knew I was afraid of opening up to them. First thing my mom told me was “Do not worry, just pray and you will get through this.” And that was the reassurance I needed from my parents all along.

I’m continuing to accept change because it is inevitabe. The Lord is constantly working and molding us that trying to deny these changes will only slow down what He has planned for us. So maybe this “mishap” was a blessing from above after all. Of all the things that were happening within the community this year and everything beyond that, I was able to experience BECAUSE of this mishap blessing. Because I continued to open my heart and trust Him, only made this change that much easier to accept. This step back from school was only a step forward with my relationship with Christ because He made me see all the beauty (such as all the mountains and enormous sushi from Vancouver, TNC and serving backstage, endless prep for Kids Village, road trips with my family, etc) He had in store for me the past couple of months.

So now until April, I’m excited for what lies ahead. Whether it be my service in CFC-Y, KFC or my family and the church. I must remind myself to stop questioning and start accepting.

God bless!

“Katrin, Katrin, why are you hesitating? Why do you fear?

Lord, if I look at all you’ve given me, I’m afraid of what you might want in return.

“Katrin, have I not shown you how gentle I am with you? Have I not shown you only kindness? Why do you fear? Look at your life. Have I ever allowed anything you couldn’t bear?”

No Lord, all you’ve shown me is mercy and love, and the tough times came when I went off on my own.

“Katrin, all I want is for you to be my friend. All I want is for you to not be afraid of me and to come to me.”

That’s all, Lord?

“That’s all.”

St. Faustina, simple with childlike trust, intercede for me.
Divine Mercy, sweet relief for anguished hearts, I trust in You.

Michael E. Gaitley, MIC (2001). Consoling the Heart of Jesus.