Missionary Heart Tunes 1: “With all I Am” (Hillsongs)

What does living a life of mission feel like? Occasionally, I stumble across that one song at a random assembly/event, in a random area and exclaim…”That’s mah jam!” (my heart jam…)

*Heard at Ottawa Evangelization Rally Rally, Feb 1: “With all I am” (Hillsongs)

Into Your hand I commit again
With All I am For You Lord You hold my world in the palm of Your hand 
And I’m Yours forever 

Jesus I believe in You
Jesus I belong to You
You’re the reason that I live
The reason that I sing with all I am

I’ll walk with You wherever You go
Through tears and joy I’ll trust in You
And I will live in all of Your ways
Your promises forever

I will worship, I will worship You

Mission-speak, heart sings: 
Every morning is a time recommit
To retain the same passion for His work
With the assurance that He has my future.
Above every expectation, I serve/love Him and Him alone

Jesus…I am reminded (that in everything)…I believe.You were and always will be the reason!

I will literally walk/bus/drive wherever You will go
These are the only places I trust will make sense of all the tears and joy
I will serve in love
I will strive to serve in the ways of heaven

Jesus…I believe in You!

I will worship You. I will worship You.

Fortune Cookie

Now before I begin, I want to make it clear that I don’t believe in the actual fortunes of fortune cookies. Haha.

There was one time after having dinner, Me and my family had received some fortune cookies. Just harmless fun in seeing how wild these little pieces of paper can be.

When I had read my “fortune” it said “You are admired for your great organizational skills”

I laughed.

I showed my sister the fortune, and she laughed as well, saying “Yeah that’s definitely not you”

To give a little background on me, you could say that I’m not the greatest when it comes to being organized. I keep most things a mess, and I’m usually okay with that. I lose things often, and I often overlook the small details. On my hard drive I actually have an “unsorted” folder INSIDE of my unsorted folder.

Actually, in 6th Grade my nickname was “The Volcano.” You would never know when my desk would erupt. All my papers and school supplies would fall to the ground, because I would just pile it on my desk like a mountain.

Looking at the “fortune” again, I started to wonder.

…Why?

Why do I laugh at the fact that I’m not really an organized person?
Why do I accept that being organized is a trait that I can’t have?
Why do I let my weaknesses continue to consume me?

A lot of us fall into the same thing. We begin to rationalize our mistakes, weaknesses, and even sins.

“I’m only human.” “I’m not perfect”

While it’s true that sometimes we make mistakes, there are a lot of times where we choose not to learn from them. To make excuses for them. Instead of lifting it up to God and really surrendering it to Him, we just rationalize them.

A lot of us have been comfortable where we are, and even who we think we are. But sometimes, we need to realize that God is calling us to do more, to be more, and to especially love more.

Of course, we always want to give our best to the Lord. But we need to remember that He wants ALL of us. Weaknesses included.

 

Lent.

I spent Valentine’s Day, working at St. Joseph’s Workshop. As the day went by, I witnessed to something I hadn’t seen before. A couple came into the store and they seemed hesitant. The owner of the store had approached them, and somewhere in between, I overheard the conversation…

“What Church are you from?

“Does it matter?”

“Yes.”

(Customer looks offended. PAUSE…)

“Why does that matter?”

“So I can make sure that I can give you the exact books you’re looking for, and to recommend the best place to look for them if I can’t help you.”

(Customer smiles. ENLIGHTENED…)

“Oh, so THAT’S why you were asking me.”

How many times have I encountered situations like this? How many times have I found myself in the couples’ position, being quick to assume that I was being ‘attacked’ or questioned, failing to look at the bright side first and think that they’re trying to lend a helping hand instead? Which then echoes a past mentor’s words: “NEVER ASSUME.”

As soon as the other customers overheard this conversation as well, they were quick to give their own recommendations of what the best materials are. They spoke to them and approached them with smiles, as well as recommending more suitable stores, and just simply lent a helping hand.

LENT – “past and past participle of lend.” Lend. We often use this word with the following definition: “grant to (someone) the use of (something) on the understanding that it shall be returned.” But when the customers lent a helping hand, they did it, knowing completely that they most likely wouldn’t get anything in return. They did it joyfully, it was contagious. Which then brings me to the other definition of the word ‘lend’…

“contribute or add (something, especially a quality) to.”

When they other customers – as well as the owner – lent a helping hand, they did not only provide them with aid, but they also lent joy. Which in this case, stood as a reminder of Lent.

Lent.

As we approach this season of Lent – the season where most people know of as ‘the fasting season’ – may we not only ‘give away’, expecting that when it ends, we celebrate a specific tangible return of something (i.e. being able to drink coffee again). Like the rarely used definition of ‘lend’, may we be able to look at the Lent, like the past participle, and be able to happily say, “I contributed to something (to my life); I have added something (to my life).” Because to be able to lend, means some kind of sacrifice. And to be able to sacrifice is love. But that sacrifice, then, reminds us that behind every NO is a DEEPER YES. And that IS, after all, what Real Love does to us, isn’t it?

Love allows us to have the courage to say no, only to uncover and reveal a deeper yes.


TOTUS TUUS.
Amen.

Dewfall

 

There’s a part of the Eucharistic Liturgy that I absolutely love to witness every mass.

Just before the consecration, the priest says “Make holy, therefore, these gifts, we pray, by sending down your Spirit upon them like the dewfall so that they may become for us the Body and + Blood of our Lord Jesus Christ”.

Why?

I have a vivid imagination. I always picture God’s Spirit just falling upon the altar, the priest, and the bread and wine with this gentleness and grace that can’t ever be recreated by human power. I wish I could paint or draw it because words just can’t describe what I see during this moment.

I find myself always holding my breathe just a little bit because it’s the moment just before a miracle happens. How exciting is that?

I am always so drawn to the Eucharist in this moment because God’s gentleness captivates me and breathes hope into my heart, no matter what kind of baggage I continue to carry around.

When I was younger, I used to imagine God the Father as a strict and angry being. I was very rigid in my faith because I didn’t want to upset God and cause Him to be angry at me. I tried my best to stay away from doing bad things and to always obey my mom and dad because I experienced the feeling of my parents getting angry/disappointed at me. I imagined that if it felt that terrible for my parents to be mad at me, then if God was angry with me, it would feel a million times worse.

As I continued to encounter God and journey in my faith, I learned about God’s mercy. His never ending mercy still baffles my mind. I don’t understand how it is possible for God to continue to love and forgive me for my weaknesses, failures and sins – but, I know His mercy is possible because He is God. I know mercy is possible because of the gentleness by which He comes to us during mass.

Like the dewfall.

Yes, there are moments where I feel God is knocking very loudly and forcefully at my heart. But usually, it’s only because I was being too stubborn and insensitive to His gentle prodding.

God makes His way into my heart with gentleness. He never barges in or tries to force His way into my life. No, He is a gentle God that entices me with His beauty  and Goodness to let Him into my life just a little bit more each day.

I can hope and be joyful because of the gentleness He treats me with through His mercy, His never ending desire for my heart, His beauty, and His Goodness.

 

Love Pledge

Holy Hour, Lenten Retreat @ Saint Stephen’s Chapel

Jesus, you know what draws my heart to yours. You know what draws me to your presence at this moment in this Chapel, and here in Toronto. I believe that you have answered a great part of my prayers in my discernment for my vocation in drawing me to what matters most- to choose and commit to loving freely and deeply, the way that you did, the way that you are now, and the way you always will.

I accept the challenge the length of Lent (and beyond) to live single-minded for you. Not solely prioritizing the needs and tasks of the ministry as a FTPW, but bringing you even closer and intimately into this busy world of mine. I’ll do this by not only praying- but fasting deliberately and practicing almsgiving all the more.

I will bring to your attention the intentions of the ones that I love- their broken families, their physical and all-around healing. I will strive to be an obedient instrument of charitable love, serving for the good of others and not of mine. I do promise to not be so stubborn and take care of myself more. But ultimately I pledge to deny myself, not counting the seemingly large costs of mission -Your Great Commission- in my life. Because I know beyond a doubt that you will always be the fullness that will satisfy all the days of my life.

 I love You, my Lord and my God. (John 20:28)

Happy Saint Valentine’s Day.

From Your Beloved,

@cinderellish

To Thee do I come, before thee I stand

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided.

Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me.

Amen.

Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us.
Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.

Discipline in Desire

“Temperance brings about a spiritual beauty that in many ways overflows into the body, especially the face of a person. A woman might be, from a strictly physical point of view, stunningly beautiful and a perfect candidate for a successful modeling career. But often it happens that after a few months of conversation with such persons, their beauty thins out and begins to ring hallow. As Thomas writes: “a thing may be becoming according to the senses, but not according to reason.” Conversely, the appearance of an average looking woman can begin to acquire a beauty and attraction that is not immediately evident from a consideration of her physical features alone. This is the spiritual beauty that comes from the excellence and honorable state resulting from the cultivation of the virtue of temperance, the beauty of a heart that recoils from the disgrace that is contrary to temperance and a love of the honor that belongs to it; in short, the beauty of an unselfish heart.”

The Virtue of Temperance, found here

“The beauty of an unselfish heart.” (: Wow. I’ve been reflecting a lot on what it means to be disciplined in my desires. I can recall the many jobs I’ve had since I turned 16, the different cycles of playlists my iPod has gone through since grade 8 – kpop, spanish music (because I did well in Spanish 9 and became a teacher’s assistant in grade 12), I had a sad playlist, a happy playlist, and now a driving playlist – and the many other decisions I’ve made based on what I desired most at that given time.

I think it’s beautiful that our desires exist to bring us joy. I don’t think anyone would desire anything if they didn’t see the joy it brings in someone’s life – when we desire for a particular career, when we choose a specific car, when we pray for a certain vocation, when we pick where to go out to eat or who to spend our time with – all these choices reflect our longing for joy.

It’s interesting to note that the last line of the first paragraph talks about the beauty of an unselfish heart. Perhaps that’s what it comes down to. Which of my desires is the most selfless choice? Which decision is life-giving? Will choosing this career path allow me to serve others better? Will making more money allow me to love not just my family, but beyond my family? Will this vocation allow me to love God and love others more than I can do on my own?

A sister of mine shared with me once that “on finding God’s will: figure out what requires more love, then do it.” Maybe that’s the discipline in our desires. Choosing what is good vs. the greater good. Exercising the virtue of Temperance, which leads to the virtue of Chastity, which then leads to Love. Which one of my desires (as good as they may all be), allow getting to know the Lord better? Because the only true joy is in God, and in adding value to someone else’s life.

Praise God.