True North Missionaries Journal

If we define freedom as doing whatever we want, we will never understand the true meaning of having one.

I have driver’s license, it means I am free to drive in Calgary but if I intentionally do not stop on a red light, not only will I be penalized for violating the traffic rules but I will also be causing accidents resulting injuries to people and to myself. The same thing goes if I am playing. If I am part of a women basketball team playing against another team and I take the ball and run away from the court, my team members and the rest of the players for sure will vote me out because that is not how the game works. What I am trying to say is freedom has boundaries too not to limit us on what we can do but for us to experience happiness, true happiness. We have to start seeing it this way, unless we do, we will be stuck on our worldly definition of what freedom is, to do whatever we want.

 

 

The Fence

There was a large group of people. On one side of the group stood a man, Jesus. On the other side of the group stood Satan. Separating them, running through the group, was a fence.

The scene set, both Jesus and Satan began calling to the people in the group and, one by one – each having made up his or her own mind – each went to either Jesus or Satan.

This kept going. Soon enough, Jesus had gathered around him a group of people from the larger crowd, as did Satan.

But one man joined neither group. He climbed the fence that was there and sat on it. Then Jesus and his people left and disappeared. So too did Satan and his people. And the man on the fence sat alone.

As this man sat, Satan came back, looking for something which he appeared to have lost. The man said, “Have you lost something?” Satan looked straight at him and replied, “No, there you are. Come with me.”

“But”, said the man, “I sat on the fence. I chose neither you nor him.”

“That’s okay,” said Satan. “I own the fence.”

In our lives there are 2 influences: Good and Evil. Part of us being in CFC-Singles for Christ is to prepare and teach ourselves to make better choices when we are confronted to choose between good and evil. We do our part in winning the war. 

I acknowledge the world and how hard it is to live in it where we experience and see lots of non-loving things but God provided us what we need to live in this world. We must learn to see the hands of God behind what is going on in our lives. 

Most of the time we choose to sit on the fence because we choose what is easy and convenient over what is true and right. When we are tempted to go against God or tempted to sit on the fence, let us remember who we are to God. 

I recall fondly a time (way back when)  some Montreal sisters had gotten into the habit of doing weekly visits to the Oratory, Fridays after classes.  The routine was: arrive slightly before the 4:30PM Mass, do some quality prayer time, and proceed to the usual confessional for Reconciliation.

One Friday in particular offered a weird experience.  Upon finishing “my list of sins”, the elderly french-speaking priest said, in a seemingly annoyed voice: “Is that it? Why are you asking for absolution for just that?” (as if I was wasting his time).

Maybe I needed to undergo a better examination of conscience.  Maybe the priest was simply grouchy that day.  Who knows.  All I know is that this pivotal experience was the Lord’s way of putting me on a journey to rediscover what it means to pray with desperation.

There seems to be many prayer seasons out there, one of which can be a time when one has memorized all the usual prayers, collected many spiritual books, and has seemingly exhausted all possible journal entries.  It’s at this point that we must “pour out the blessings” through Service/Mission, or fall into the trap taking prayer for granted (or into the sin of pride) (pissing off a priest out of an apparently boring,insincere sin list)

Serving in the Community, and even simply living to its fullness our Mission as Christ’s disciples should challenge the fullness of our being, and take up of all our energy, time, emotional stability…everything.   After all, if we’re in the business of Saving Souls, we are truly combating an Enemy…it should rightly do so.  And when desperation comes, the answers never come, and there’s nothing left but to surrender…the Lord presents Himself in a huge way…through the re-gifted present of Prayer.

Prayer is truly synergistic experience: drawing us closer to the Lord, and thus inevitably igniting a flame of His love that others will draw warmth from.  They say that when we burn with the fire of Christ, one can never be exhausted.  But if one needs help igniting the flame in the first place, Mission can be a spark: it pulls us beyond ourselves, compelling us to see what’s at stake (in who/what we’re praying for), illuminates our our limitations, and reminds us of our utter dependence on the Lord.  This desperation is truly a powerful vehicle of prayer.

This past weekend, my mum and brother had come down to visit me. Since I’m still working full time and filling my weekends with service (often out of town in my area), my beautiful mother thought it best to come to Toronto for a few days to kick-start my packing. I don’t think my decision to move had fully sunk in until yesterday, when I looked at my room filled with clothes and boxes… but I’m getting ahead of myself.

On Monday, their final day here, I had left work early. I swung around Eaton Centre to meet them and we took a taxi back to my apartment. Andy went to Subway to pick up a sandwich for the 5 hour drive back to Ottawa, and my mum and I headed upstairs to grab their luggage. While in the elevator she opened her arms and asked for a hug. I obliged and when I stepped back, her eyes were filled with tears. Ever supportive and always joyful, this was the first time I fully allowed myself to realize how much this move was hurting her.

Later that night I told Patrick about the small incident and he replied, “Yeah, she was crying at Mass on Sunday too..”

When I had first told my parents, my mum was laughing and joking about the move, exclaiming that my boyfriend was fired for failing at his job in keeping me here. Then she began asking other questions (where was I going to stay? Can we see it before I move?) and pitching possible months for her to fly down and be with me. The conversation moved fast, but there wasn’t any (serious) flicker of doubt in the things she said. It has been a month since then, and when she checked in, her questions were about work and whether I’ve told my boss, the apartment and if I’ve found someone to take over the lease, and whether I made appointments to see my dentist or doctor before I leave; typical mom questions.

There was, however, a time when she texted me that after Ottawa’s Evangelization Rally she had let her heart cry as it sank in that I was moving to another continent. She told me that she knows the Lord had been preparing her for this.. *I scrolled back down through my messages to find it because I don’t remember what it had said. To be completely honest, I think I never allowed myself to process these things, not fully letting myself feel what it meant that I was moving. Her messages went like this: “Yesterday it sank in. I was at the Evangelization Rally and I cried so hard in my heart. // God has really put us in CFC to prepare us for this. To better understand His works [within] us. I’m still numb and so is dad, lol.”

This. This is why I serve. His faithfulness to me has been so abundant, and has become so blindingly real through the way my parents responded to the call. Never in a million years would I have thought that they would give in with such surrender. That their yes would be as resounding as my own. Years ago, when the very first inkling of becoming an MV had trickled into my consciousness, I quickly pulled away. “My parents would kill me,” I quietly whispered to a fellow sister who found herself in a similar position.

My parents opening their hearts to His great love…their struggle in doing so, but their persistence in stepping forward. That is what I hold on to. God has loved me through my family, which was at one point in time a place of resentment, for there were many Sundays I stood in a pew alone. This is Our God. A God of kept promises. A God who has remained so faithful despite our floundering ways.

I dropped my mom and Andy off and when I left, I would be lying to say my heart was not heavy. My heart felt like a boulder. As I went up the escalator I played “Ever Be – Kalley Heilgenthal” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhasSpSBdEE)

Your love is devoted
like a ring of solid gold
Like a vow that is tested
like a covenant of old
Your love is enduring
through the winter rain
And beyond the horizon
with mercy for today

and as the chorus began, I walked onto the train and took a seat,

Faithful You have been
and faithful you will be
You pledge yourself to me
and it’s why I sing

I closed my eyes and in that moment my soul sang

Your praise will ever be on my lips,
ever be on my lips
Your praise will ever be on my lips,

Tears streamed down as I sat in that near-empty subway car. This was my prayer, in the most raw and vulnerable form, my heart so filled with love and thanksgiving…

ever be on my lips

Every day of living and serving after this surgery has been a test of character, in more ways than one.  In one way or another, I always find myself in this process of constantly evaluating what it means to be:

a good full-time worker…a good servant…a good counterpart…a good ate…a good teacher…a good applied human scientist…a good daughter…a good Catholic…a good conflict revolutionist…a good…ANYTHING

And every day, He challenges (or quite literally tears apart) everything I’ve always known as “Good”, and what is seen as “Success”.  It’s this ultimate confusion or seeming disorganization that sometimes slows me down in my tracks, and on some days, blatantly stops me from doing anything.  How do i know I am doing His work…if to my eyes, I am not producing results that I’ve come to instinctively embrace as “good”?

I’m learning that the only reassuring thing is the following: even if I can’t trust myself to do anything “good”, I sure can trust that this plan that the Lord has me on is more than “good” enough.  The only real measure of success I can rely on…. is to lovingly trust Him…in everything that I do….

The path I am on is a path that I am still unsure of. All I know for sure is that the Lord loves me very much. For now, that is enough for me.

Lord, give me the grace to allow myself to be surprised by Your love.
Divine Heart of Jesus and Loving Heart of Mary, be with me always.
St. Faustina, persevering in unwavering hope, pray for us.
Jezu ufam Tobie