Back at the Eastern True North Conference (ETNC) in Waterloo a few years back, I was asked to do a share about growth in service and taking the next step. On the stage, I shared tearfully about how I was going to finally step down as Area Head of Ottawa and how it would be difficult, since for the most part, my counterpart and I were the only leaders that our members had ever known. As I did my share, there was a spotlight on me, and I stood there and said how I loved where I was, I could dance at the thought of how much joy I experienced being there, in this proverbial light. “But how much more was out there?” I asked, motioning towards the darkness around me. And I made a declaration, right then and there, that I knew God was calling me out into the unknown. It was then when I motioned towards the rest of the stage… Mind you, all this was completely off script, absent from the notes I had written and never mentioned in the screenings. This was the moment, in front of hundreds, that I declared that I was willing to step out into the unknown where God waited for me. And up there in Heaven, my Father knowingly smiled and whispered, “My dear, you have no idea.”
Grazing briefly over my mission as Area Head of Hamilton – St. Catharines (HSC) won’t do my time there the justice it deserves, so please allow me to pause for a bit and to run my fingers through that time in my life which I owe so much to. This small place I hadn’t even heard of until I was called. (Goodness, this is going to be one long post, so please bear with me.) Okay, so without going too into how HSC and I got acquainted, let’s go to right now, over 2 years from when I first became theirs.
Brothers and sisters, if I were to ever doubt God’s love for me, even for a second, all I would have to do is think about this area. From my Couple Coordinators (CCs) who took me in as their own, to my counterpart who was the source of much laughter and affirmation, to my household who teased each other endlessly but whose presence I found great comfort and strength in, to the members who had endless amounts of hugs and laughter waiting to greet me after every long commute from the city (note: I lived in Toronto). I said yes to the unknown and God never ceased in showering me with love. It wasn’t long until I started calling them my home, and truly I was.
All this, of course, was said in hindsight. To date one of the most difficult moments for me was when, after a weekend of my parents helping me move while spending the nights sleeping on a mattress on the floor of my new Toronto apartment, we stood together by the car saying our final goodbyes. It was here by the curb where my tears seeped into their shirts as they both held me goodbye. Through muffled voices, they tried to comfort me, telling me to come home often, and I told them I would, because in that moment, I didn’t know how I would survive if I didn’t. Back then, I thought this was all God would be calling me to do. I know now that it was this initial move that He asked me to dip my toe into the water, to see how cold it was, to prepare myself.
This is not a post to tell you about how difficult change was for me, nor is it meant to depict the growing pains I experienced through my yes, etc. etc. This is a post to tell you that God’s faithfulness to me was even greater than any instances of faithfulness I had shown.
But, as you know, God didn’t stop with bringing me to HSC. Just when I was about to dig deeper and set roots, he told me I had to move. This will be its own post too, because, much as my calling to HSC, my call to Malta was just as specifically His, and just as specifically mine. I had no idea, that fateful day when I told God I was ready to put out into the deep…. That He would bring me to The Deep. That’s right, capital T. Capital D. So deep, in fact, that I’d have to cross the Atlantic Ocean to get there.
Before I had left for Malta, Patrick had told me, “You know… You’re going to cry when you leave Malta, dear.” I laughed, because I knew he was right. There I was, in Pearson airport, crying over HSC, an area I had grown to love so deeply – one that was once just darkness to me.
Fast forward months later and I am here in Malta. Earlier today, as I stood with YFC Xghajra (pronounced: Shy-ra) during worship, I looked around at their faces and I felt overwhelming love. In my heart I knew that what was once a group of youths whose Wednesday meetings I meekly joined, had now become a small family, and I know deep down I will miss them with great fierceness when my term comes to a close.
When I had come here, I felt similar to how you might have, up there as you first read “Xghajra” and you had no idea how to pronounce it. But it was saying yes despite this feeling of confusion and uncertainty, that I had opened myself up to love that I couldn’t even imagine had I tried. After each area, I’m left with a feeling that I had fit as much as I could into my heart. And with each yes, God had made my heart a little more like His, showing me that there is no ceiling to how much He can love.
There is no doubt about it, the darkness of the unknown is scary. It is much more comfortable staying (and dancing) in the light. None of my yesses were given with resounding confidence. Each yes, I offered with shaking hands. There will be many instances in our lives when we will feel inclined to say no, because why go where comfort is absent? Hands lifted towards Him, shaking as they may be, will still be used for His glory. I have been here in Malta for over 5 months, and my hands have yet to be steadied, but I can rest assured that they are held.
