True North Missionaries Journal

Adoration Chapel – St John Fisher 
Monday, December 5th 2016.

Cast all your cares on Him because He cares for you.
1 Peter 5: 7

With confidence, I come to You, Jesus,
offering all I am and all I have
along with all the Love
of the Immaculate Heart of Mary
to make up for what is lacking 
in my love for you.

Jesus, You called Peter and the apostles
and said: “My heart is moved
with pity for the crowd.”
Now you look at me
from the Blessed Sacrament,
and once again Your Divine Heart
is moved with infinite compassion
for all my miseries, 
too many evils in my soul, to remember,
too many anxieties in my mind to count.

Like the tender compassion of a mother
toward a child in great need,
Your Heart is powerfully attracted
to my very helplessness and wretchedness,
for You love me with a merciful love.

Forgetting self, I look only to You,
casting into the Divine furnace
of Your Eucharistic Heart
all my cares and anxieties,
like so much straw
into a burning fire.
Consume all my cares, Jesus,
in Your Eucharistic love.
Repair what is wrong
by the infinite merits
of Your precious Blood.
Eucharistic Heart of Jesus,
I place all my trust in You
for Scripture says:
“Cast all your cares on Him
because He cares for you.”

Amen

A good chunk of my life I considered God as a father or even a grandfather. When hurt, I was like a child running to her parents. When in need of something, always asking for help. When gifts were received, thankful for the blessings.

More lately I find myself drawn to God not through need, want or hurt but simply out of love. To know Him, and to truly love Him. There is much that is uncertain about my future or even the upcoming year. However, I do know that I desire I deeper relationship with God.

“My heart is restless, until it rests in you” –St. Augustine

My love, my love

Oh purest love

How I seek you

However far or quickly I ran

You were always near

Forever patient, gentle and kind

Through trial, through pain

Still you stayed

I fought, I argued

I turned away

Still you stayed

How gracious is your love

How sweet is your song

My love, my purest love

Forever, be here to stay

AMEN

As Jesus was walking along, he saw a man called Matthew sitting at the tax booth; and he said to him, “Follow me.” And he got up and followed him.

– Matthew 9:9

[December 31, 2015 – Around 10AM]

Plans were set, goals in mind already brewing and processing. No changes to be made. Simply, another year at hand. Where would Hamilton-St. Catherine’s go next year? What is the state of music ministry in the area? My last term of university is about to begin, what next?

I thought I had it all figured out. The ship was ready to sail – actually it was ready to coast. On this day everything was set for cruising, like a plane about to reach cruising altitude. All I had to do was prepare for the New Years Eve party later that night.

[December 31, 2015 – 6PM]

I saw that I had missed a call from the GTA Area CC and thought it was something regarding the upcoming Regional Youth Conference, possibly to serve as a committee/sub-committee head. As I slid my finger left-to-right on their contact, to initiate the phone call, my mind was blank. It was already cruising. But then the Lord decided to shake things up. By the end of the call, what was once calm and cruising suddenly became a frenzy of what-ifs and constant measuring of pros and cons. I was asked to serve as the GTA West Sector head.

As the countdown continued, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5….., externally I was present but internally I had waged a war in my heart and mind.

[November 29, 2016]

As cliché as it sounds, who would’ve thought that in the span of 8 hours, or one day, that my life changed. Like Matthew, I was in my booth of comfort. I could just stay there, do my job, meet the bare minimum and continue moving forward. But in the same way, there was a plan set for Matthew, and he was called out from the comforts of his booth. And like for me, I was brought out of the comforts of my mind. God called me to step out in order to follow Him.

This reading has been speaking to me for a while now, because of how life-changing two simple words could be. Or in my case, how a calling could be so simple and not complex. All that is ever asked of us is to follow Him. No need to overcomplicate and overthink. No need to weigh one option versus another. Once Matthew was called, he simply got up and followed.

And so, each and every day of this year, the Lord has definitely called me to follow Him through many different challenges. I never knew where He would lead me, but each and every time I entrusted things to the Lord, He blessed me abundantly.

I can desire a lot of things, I can plan for things, adjusting them according to the present circumstances. However, when the Lord calls, I know that the only thing I should do, the only thing that any one of us should do, is to leave behind everything, answering that call and follow Him.

AMDG.

My hope for this community, is for SFC not only to be a transitional ministry; but a ministry of missionaries.

This year has been filled with service, events and mini conference preparation trips. However, I was greatly humbled the last two weekends witnessing two different missions fulfilled.

I was grateful to see a new mission area finally open and to take part of an out of country mission. My hope for this community, is for SFC not only to be a transitional ministry; but a ministry of missionaries. I envision a ministry where all members experience mission at least once during their tenure as an SFC.

Although unsure of my own future plans, I’m grateful for the opportunities the Lord has blessed me with this year and hope the Lord will allow me to go on mission again.

You don’t need to be an amazing speaker or the most organized traveller. The Lord only requests for a willing heart and trust that He will use you as an instrument for His Glory.

It all started with me being pursued. He wooed me at the very first encounter. He was so mysterious and I liked it! He was sending me constant signals that he wanted a relationship with me. Sometimes they were clear, other times the over-thinker in me clouded the signals and I was left confused.

Time was his greatest gift to me. He gave me his time when I was sick, when I was feeling down or sad, and he was always someone I can confide in. He was definitely there when I had my happiest and proudest moments. During the in-betweens, he was still sticking around! When family time, work, school and service got me busy, he was just there waiting for me. He challenged me in so many ways, but made sure I felt loved throughout the entire time.

I started to sometimes take him for granted, I wouldn’t talk to him because I became busy and it was just a hassle to stop and spend time with him. I started choosing others over him, even though I knew I was his priority. Then it got to a point when I would talk to him when I needed something. I found myself always asking him to help me. I would even get disappointed when he didn’t give me what I asked him, when he didn’t allow me to do the things I wanted to.

I would then start feeling bad for the way I treated him. He was so good to me, why can’t I appreciate him? I suddenly felt unworthy of his love. He loves me and always finds a way to show it. I on the other hand was too preoccupied with my own desires, or at least what I thought were my desires. I began to miss him, a lot! I looked for him everywhereThere was a void in my heart that only he would fill. But he was still always there.

Whether I realized it or not, he was pursuing me after all of these years. His mercy is endless and his love for me is overflowing. I am at a point in my life where I desire to pursue him. In spending time with him, in getting to know him, in wanting to be with him. Although it is still a challenge, I know that choosing to love him and serving him everyday is all worth it. I know that I am meant to be with him and to bring his light to others.

My heart longs to be with you, Lord. I will seek you and find you with all of my heart. May you never get tired of loving me and pursuing me. 

Amen.

Edmonton just hosted our very first Liveloud concert a week ago. And with the help of the Holy Spirit, the event was a success!!!

My October and early November was just filled with Liveloud, mostly promotions related as it was my service. Let me start this journal by saying that promotion wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be.

I can still remember when our event heads, Niccolo and Kleah called me (separately) right after our MV shout asking if I would be willing to serve as the sister promotions and marketing head. Back in my mind I was contemplating if I will say yes or no; because I was planning to start studying for my licensure exam right after TNC and also for the fact that I haven’t served under promo ever. But I just brushed it off and said yes anyways, comforting myself with the thought that God won’t give me something I won’t be able to do.

After coming back in Edmonton and realizing how busy it will be, I honestly started to stress out. I realized how unskilled I am for this particular service. I am no artist at all, I just like taking photos and videos, but I am no YCOM or SCOM. Making graphics is not my strength either. All I can offer my counterpart during our first online meeting was to help with ideas and do the emails and talk to people. LOL.

It helped me a lot that my counterpart is very affirming and supportive, and I feel blessed to have a very chill and talented team as well. Our brainstorming was always fun, even our CCs for promo and marketing are all out in contacting parishes and clergies. In a way, my stress level only increases when I am working alone.

There were mishaps along the way, but what service doesn’t? It was crazy. Crazy but fun.

In the end, we were able to sell 1100 tickets. That feeling of seeing a lot of people outside of the community joining us during the concert was overwhelming. Priests worshipping with us, dancing and jumping with everyone, it was truly a sight to see. My heart was so full when the concert has ended. Seeing my fellow SFC brothers and sisters from other areas of Alberta driving 4-6 hours to Edmonton just to be with us, I felt the love that this community offers.

When we were all packing up, I found this peace deep in my heart, and heard God telling me to never doubt Him again. He reminded me of those nights when I was feeling incompetent, it was when I found the courage to start doing the graphics. Those days when parish priests are not allowing us to do announcements on Sunday masses, were the moment we thought of another promotion that helped us with our ticket sales. Those unexpected moments where we found ourselves in places where we didn’t really plan to be, but at the end of the night we were able to sell tickets. Those times I doubted if we will be able to use all the promo tickets given to us, ended up we needed more!

Those little miracles, God reminded me that He is always there. Ready to help us get up every time. He just wants us to initiate. Our Father just wants us to move, to enlarge our borders, to say yes, to take a step and start living boldly. To never doubt God whatever He handed something to me. To never question and say “why me”, how can I do it, am I equipped to do it.

Because if God called you, He will equip you.

“Furnish you with all that is good, that you may do his will. May he carry out in you what is pleasing to him through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever [and ever]. Amen.” Hebrews 13:21

 

Lately, I realized that my struggle with my service doesn’t come with the responsibilities or physical tasks the service requires. My recent struggles has been coming from the inside.

I didn’t realize when it started, it just hit me that I have been building walls around me. I have been too guarded and enclosed myself with towering walls. I am still friendly and approachable. I still don’t find it hard to make friends and to reach out for people. To understand them and to emphatize. I still see myself laughing with people around me.

But it has been getting worse. I have been selective of people who I talk to, who I share my thoughts with, who I hang out with; and it continuously gets worse, now even my friends will call me out and tell me why am I being so passive even with them.

I have to stop for awhile.
Check on myself.
Assess my heart.

And indeed, I have been distant. In the midst of laughing and asking people’s names, I will stop myself in investing too emotion or even try to build a deeper relationship with people around me.

Why? —I still can’t figure out why, maybe because of past hurts? I don’t know. All I know now is that I have to do something about it.

I cannot fully serve if my heart is restricted.
I love the Lord, yes. No doubt on that.
But as someone part of this community, it entails to have an open heart. To be able to connect and build relationships with people around you. To open up yourself so others will open up to you as well.
To be an effective evangelizer means to be good with building relationships

Here comes my realization that part of our mission is to be vulnerable. If I cannot open my heart to people I serve with, how can I open up and lift up my life to the Lord? How can I say that I entrust my life to Him, if merely getting to know people, building relationships and trusting them is hard to do?

Realizing this is the start, but having an open heart and being vulnerable to the Lord and to His mission is the goal.

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With this please pray with me,

Lord, bless me with Your grace of humility and strength that will allow me to open up myself to people around me
Take away all doubts and fear that locks and enslaves my heart
Teach me Your ways Jesus
Teach me how You openly accepted all Your disciples
How You shared Your everyday life with people You just met on the streets
Bless me with a loving heart just like Yours
Teach me to be vulnerable and loving, so that I can share myself to others just as how You shared Yours to us
Guide my heart Lord, that I may pattern it to Yours as I partake in Your mission
Amen.

(November 3)