True North Missionaries Journal

Carrying our crosses isn’t always the easiest thing to do. I sometimes find myself crawling on the ground, holding up my cross on my back with splinters, wounds, and scrapes, barely making my way through. No matter what the ordeal, my cross will always be my cross, and sometimes, it literally feels as if I’m pushing myself, pressed less than an inch before falling to the ground. I don’t know if it’s Shaun T’s voice stuck in my head from the days I used to work out with Insanity, or if it really is something inside of me saying, “Dig deeper! Dig deeper!” This Lent, I think that’s exactly what God pushed me to do.

Honestly speaking, I’ve had a long track of being the type to put things aside because they were too hard (if I wasn’t already running away from them). If I wasn’t running away, it was always because I was afraid of facing the truth. And if it wasn’t either of the two, it was because I didn’t want others to catch the insecurities I had carried with me so I would make excuses – for myself and for others. And although I’ve learned to pull away from this mindset and lifestyle, I haven’t done so completely. As I have mentioned earlier, there are times where I want to just lay down my cross and stop, and then the voice – once again – says, “DIG DEEPER! DIG DEEPER!!!” (I blame Shaun T… haha). I’ve even found myself battling this voice out, saying…

“What do You want me to do, Lord?? I’m not Your Son… I can’t carry the cross… I can’t do miracles the way Your Son did! I’M JUST A NORMAL, HUMAN BEING…”

Honestly, I don’t know why I don’t listen to myself sometimes… I’ve always said and always heard, “Be careful with what you ask for from the Lord,” and as soon as I asked this, the Lord revealed truth to me…

1. “You are not ‘The Son’ but you are still My child.”
2. “You can’t do miracles because you ARE My miracle. In you, I’ve breathed in My Life. Your very existence is a miracle and testimony to my love.”
3. “My Son is not the only one that carried the cross… Man did so, alongside him.”

SIMON OF CYRENE.
He carried the cross with Jesus. It was the same road, same cross, surrounded by the same crowd filled with ridicule, and he carried the cross in silence. He did it until he reached the destination of our Lord’s crucifixion. He supported Jesus when he fell. He bore the weight of the cross to journey with Christ. He did it with Christ. And it all began with one gaze.

There was no need for words. With one gaze in the Son’s eyes, he knew that the weight of the cross was incomparable to the love he held beyond what was being seen from afar. The suffering and the love in Christ’s passion ‘dug deeper’ than what the heart could understand. It goes beyond its beat and above it feat. It is something man could only endure and understand with Christ. It was not just Jesus that carried this cross, but also a “NORMAL HUMAN BEING.” The journey is not just divine and is not just human.

The journey of carrying the cross was human suffering made divine with Christ.

Simon was living proof that as a ‘normal human being’ the suffering and salvation of the cross is possible. But in the same way he did not freely choose and volunteer to carry the cross, when it is given to us, we must first look at the feat that lies ahead in the gaze of our Father’s eyes. It is only then that what is ‘earthly’ and what is ‘human’ can be made divine. It is a journey we can only LIVE (not endure) WITH CHRIST. As Jesus carried the cross, he suffered and trusted in silence. He did not seek to be recognized. He did not seek to be praised. He did not seek anything but the love of His Father in us.

“Silence is  the golden language of God.”

Oftentimes overlooked, this is what I understood this Lent through Simon. So I use a childhood phrase (and game) “Simon says.” What he showed us was the mystery and the feasibility of the cross and how to find true beauty behind it all. But, he said it in silence. So I challenged myself in this childhood game: Simon says if you can’t “do it like Jesus,” do it like Simon; whether it was the Son or the son (or daughter), you are a child of God so your crosses will always lead you to Him.

Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.
Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us.

Amen.

I have come to realize that sometimes, the comfort level we have with a person can determine the level of patience or how tolerant we are towards them. It’s as if the more secure we are in their love, the greater the tendency to take it for granted. The more we know that they will forgive us even if we hurt them, the greater our inclination to be insensitive and careless when we deal with them. Take for example an incident that happened at my friend’s house. While he was preparing snacks for us, his younger sister took his iPad from the table without his permission so she could play. When he saw her playing with it, he berated her rather harshly. However, when another friend of ours (who came late and did not see what happened between our friend and his sister) did the exact same thing, he took it in stride. He even asked him how the battery life was and gave him his charger so he could continue playing.

I asked my friend why he was harsher towards his sister than our friend and he said that it’s because he knew he could make it up to his sister by leaving his iPad with her when he goes to work. He added that it doesn’t take a lot for them to sort out the misunderstanding and for her to forgive him. If on the other hand he reprimanded our friend, the level of security he felt towards their friendship was not as firm as the bond with that of his sister’s so he was scared that if they do get in a fight, it might take a while for them to patch things up.

What my friend did to his sister made me realize that this is what He has been personally calling me to understand during this season of Lent. More than just asking for forgiveness, He is calling me to turn away from this distorted and skewed logic that I sometimes have of His love and mercy. See, there are times when I err and sin because I become so transfixed and complacent with the knowledge that He will take me back and forgive me as long as I’m sincere with my confession. Knowing that He will always be there to welcome me back in His arms leads me to justify sinning; which is wrong on so many levels. While I should be comfortable and secure in His unconditional love for me (and you :), I should always remember that it should be the force that anchors me in Him and not the one that separates me from Him by way of sin.

Oh my goodness…I can’t wait to catch up on my blogging.

Anyways, I was in the Philippines in the last few weeks as I had the honor of leading team Canada (#ShiftTeamTN) along side fellow MV Chris Ann, we embarked on a journey for this years International Conference in Palawan.

Do I need to say more? It was life changing.

It wasn’t my first International Conference, so I kinda had an idea of what to expect…But the Lord being the Lord, He had something totally different in store for me.

Long story short, my experience from last year brought me all the way here today desperately wanting more and more delegates from Canada to witness the fullness of the community, the beauty of our faith, and the joy of the Lord. Praise God.

The Lord called me this year to simply watch. To simply behold and ponder His beauty through our Canadian Delegates. It was the most humbling experience being able to see everyone get closer together, to see the joy in their faces, tears in their eyes, never ending laughs and jokes…(Shout out to Debonaire)

Honestly, just being able to sit back, and let the Lord work through them as He has done for me…absolutely beautiful to see the fruits of our community, households, families, years and years of prayer…how beautiful was it that just by simply saying yes to leading this delegation, to see the outcome of lives being changed in front of your eyes…how amazing it is to know the Lord continues to love us every second..

I owe the Lord my all. I owe this community so much. This is just a fragment of what went on this trip. You’ll definitely be hearing more about it soon in the next couple days where I owe blogs.

I’ll have a complete blog on this trip soon! I needa catch up on sleep doe

Deo Gloria

 

 

It was 5:15 AM.

Her heart was racing; blood pressure rapidly climbing.
Her shoulders rising up and down asynchronous with her breathing.
No setting change in the ventilator could help make her breath easier.
Medications were given, but her body was fighting even harder.
Her brain was not in control anymore;
She was in pain. She was in agony.

A phone call was made to her family, “She is not doing well. You need to come and see her.”

At this point there was nothing more that could be done, but wait for her family to come and make a decision.

It was 6:00 AM.

I do not know what kind of a person she is, or how she lived her life, or if she believed in God, but I knew that she was loved.

It was so hard to see her suffering, knowing that there was nothing I could do to at that moment to ease her pain, but to pray for her. It reminded me of what Mother Mary must have felt as she watched her son Jesus carrying his cross, being whipped, spat at, ridiculed. I went back to my pod and prayed for her.

It was 7:15 AM.

After giving report to the morning shift, I left the department with a heavy heart, hoping that her family would make it at the bedside as she takes her last breath, hoping that her soul may find its way to rest in peace in heaven.

 

 

On Monday afternoon, I was in the east end of GTA to meet with my co-worker. We decided to go to a mall so we could catch up. When I left the mall, it was raining pretty heavily so I ran to my car and left right away to go to my next client. I didn’t want to be late because of traffic.

Later on in the evening, as I was approaching my car so that I could go home, I saw the injury. My car had been hit, dented, and scratched. It wasn’t a small injury. If I had been the one to hit something, I would have felt and heard the accident. Someone hit my car, while it was parked, and didn’t leave a note.

My first reactions and thoughts (in order or occurrence) were shock, anger, hopelessness, and “How could this happen – now of all times?”

I drove home in shock and anger. I arrived home, took pictures, and took in the total damage. I knew I was angry and the only thing I could really do was pray and ask others for prayers – so I did. However, peace of mind didn’t come to me right away. I went to bed frustrated at the reality of my circumstance, angry at the dishonesty and carelessness of others, and hopeless in finding a solution. I felt so powerless.

When I woke up the next day, God revealed and reminded me through Isaiah 49: 1-6 (the first reading of Tuesday’s mass) that He knows that the reality of life is messy. He knows that I’m hurting and struggling, but because of this I have been chosen to love the dishonest and the careless.

I am right in the middle of this messy world where the light of Christ is obscured by the hurt we inflict on each other. In my mess, I have the options of despairing in my emotions and wallowing in hopelessness, or exposing His light in my darkness.

Don’t get me wrong…I am worried about my situation. I am human. Therefore, I am allowed to feel the fullness of the damage done. It’s okay to hurt and to feel it! What’s important is the action that follows.

I may be hurting, but my trust and faith in God’s love for me, pushes me to make a decision.  God is the strength of my heart. Therefore, I choose to be a light despite the dark of my suffering.

“And now the Lord says,
  who formed me from the womb to be his servant,
to bring Jacob back to him,
    and that Israel might be gathered to him,
for I am honoured in the eyes of the Lord,
    and my God has become my strength—
he says:
“It is too light a thing that you should be my servant
   to raise up the tribes of Jacob
    and to restore the preserved of Israel;
I will give you as a light to the nations,
    that my salvation may reach to the end of the earth.” Isaiah 49: 5-6 (RSVCE)

A.M.D.G.

This past Holy week, it is very evident that Christ’s death and suffering is being remembered. Earlier this week, as I was reflecting about this, I felt like I was too focused on the pain and struggles that Christ experienced that I was not able to see what God wanted to show me. This morning, as I was heading to school for my exam, I remembered the movie “The Last Samurai.” One of the lines from the movie was:

Emperor Meiji: Tell me how he (Katsumoto) died.

Aldren: I will tell you how he lived.

I think, we too should have the same attitude as we approach Easter Sunday. Yes, we are commemorating Christ’s suffering and death, but God wants us to remember how Christ lived as well. In fact, this week and for the rest of our lives, we are remembering and should be remembering Christ’s life and death. God did not only show us why and how Christ died, but also why and how He lived.

John 1:14, “The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us.”

God wants His Words to be alive, so He made it alive through Christ. Christ is the Word made flesh. He is the fulfillment of God’s Word and the Saviour of God’s people. Christ lived His life according to God’s will, and God’s will alone. A recently listened to the song “To Be Like You” by Hillsong Live, the first verse goes something like this:

Humble King
Holy One
Friend of sinners
God’s own Son
God in flesh
Among men
You walked my road
You understand

This Holy week, God is not just inviting us to reflect on how Christ saved us from our sins and how we need to carry our crosses, but also, He is inviting us to live like how Christ lived. Jesus is the perfect example of love and humility. He is the one who accepted and forgave sinners. He did not only carry our crosses, but also walked our path. In fact, He came down to show us how we should walk our path; focused on God and moving towards God.

He died on the cross to save us, but He did not stop there. This Easter Sunday, He is inviting us to resurrect with Him, to follow His footsteps, to be one with Him; for if we do, we too become God’s Word made flesh. By resurrecting with Him, we a re-living His life and journey; we are taking the path that He took.

God wants His Words to be ALIVE. To make GOD’S WORD not only written in the scriptures, but WRITTEN IN OUR HEARTS and PROCLAIMED TO THE WORLD.

We, too, are HIS WORD MADE FLESH, LIVING FLESH, so we should LIVE LIKE HOW CHRIST LIVED for GOD’S WORDS ARE ALIVE IN US, WITH US, and THROUGH US.

All I want
All I need
More of You
Less of me
Take this life
Lord it’s Yours
Have my heart
Have it all

AMEN.

My first ICON experience was last year in Marikina. I remember being so amazed by the fullness of the community and wanting to share that when I came back home. I left ILC (now called ICON) with my heart ablazed, desperately hoping for  those in Canada (especially from Pacific Region) to experience Christ at the next ICON.

Fast forward to this year and I was blessed  to see many new faces from Canada attending ICON for their first time. I was so happy to see familiar faces and to know that they will experience Christ in a new and powerful way. I was assured that their experience with Christ would be personal and timely!

Before I found out that I was going to go for training, I actually asked my boss for the time off to go to ICON. Every time I asked for time off, he granted it. He granted time off for me to go to Hawaii, to go to ILC last year, to go to WTNC in the summer, etc. This time around, when I asked for time off for ICON, he denied my request. Despite that denial, the Lord still made a way for me to experience ICON. The Lord had better plans for me. 

I was initially assigned to Workshop Committee for ICON. It was a blessing because I was given an opportunity to help make an outline for one of the workshops. After submitting it to my head, I assumed that was the end of my duties. Shortly after, I was assigned to help with the program for Praise Cruise. They asked me to give a session as an ICON prologue for the Praise Cruise delegates. Its objective was to get everyone excited for ICON, to be excited to be on the Praise Cruise and to prepare our hearts to receive Christ at ICON. I was honoured to give that session so I spent a lot of time preparing for it. In the midst of this, I was asked to do other things for program for ICON. So I continued to prepare and prepare. Little did I know, the Lord had better plans for me. 

Praise Cruise was scheduled to leave around 11pm on the Wednesday before ICON. I made my way to the pier and we found out that the master list of passengers of the boat company and that of YFC was different. Because of this, 90 delegates were not able to board the boat going to Palawan – including myself, Hannah, Ellish and Joseph (US and Canada FTPW trainees).

 

This photo was taken a couple weeks after ICON but it’s one of the few with all of us present.  Shout out to Mier po po the KFC star, Kuya GJ and Ate Laleng (our training heads)!

The four of us were left, along with 2 other MVs from Metro Manila (shout out to Minelsa and Alvin), and then the 90 delegates. It was at this point that I realized that this is FTPW training. It goes beyond the technical skills, the manual, and knowing the ins and outs of the community. Training is about learning how to be and bring Christ where ever we are, in whatever circumstance we are in. Good or bad.

So in a situation that was easily filled with chaos, confusion, disappointment, hurt and anger, we were compelled to share hope and compassion with each other, the delegates and the CCs. We prayed the rosary, had praise and worship, talked to the delegates and just tried our best to be with them.

We spent the entire evening there in the waiting area of the pier as CFC from the local sector picked up some of the delegates and hosted them. Morning came and some sectors decided to go back to their sectors and we went back to the Mission House, unsure of what was going to happen next but trusting that the Lord had better plans for us.

That same evening, I found out that one of the workshop speakers could not attend their workshop! Because of this, I was assigned to deliver the workshop “Journey to the ends of the Earth” with my fellow trainee, Hannah! Funny enough, the workshop was a missionary workshop that was geared to help the youth learn more about mission and the experiences of it. What a blessing to share what I am currently experiencing as FTPW trainee!

We weren’t able to send the powerpoint to each other over email so we took a picture of every slide hahahaha 🙂

The next day the Lord provided us with something GREAT. He upgraded us from Praise Cruise to PRAISE FLIGHT! The 90 delegates had a chartered flight from Manila to Palawan which allowed us to arrive at ICON on the Friday afternoon.

This was one half of the plane 🙂

Praise the Lord! We were all filled with joy and thanksgiving because God’s plan for us was EXTRAVAGANT. First ever PRAISE FLIGHT! An entire flight just for YFC. Unheard of 🙂

I wasn’t able to be part of the ICON program. I wasn’t able to give a session on Praise Cruise. But instead, the Lord blessed me more. He allowed me to meet 90 delegates on a first ever Praise Cruise. He allowed me to give a workshop with a fellow missionary in which I was able to share the overflowing joy that I am currently experiencing as a missionary. To top it off, I was able to attend the Praise Cruise from Palawan to Manila with 950 delegates 🙂

And after experiencing these blessings, I wouldn’t have it any other way 🙂 The Lord taught me a valuable lesson over the past few weeks. I may have my own plans and they may be good but God’s plan is always better!