True North Missionaries Journal

“Behold, I go forward but He is not there, And backward, but I cannot perceive Him; When He acts on the left, I cannot behold Him; He turns on the right, I cannot see Him, but He knows the way I take; When He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold.” – Job 23:7-10

At times, I may be far from You, but You are always near me. I will always hope through that. Keep my heart and direct it O God. Refuge of Sinners, continue to hold my heart close to your Son’s.

Totus tuus

 

I find it very hard to open up to people. Sometimes the mere thought of it makes me cringe. There are several things that I prefer insist that I keep to myself. In all honesty, there are a lot of instances in my life that make me think that I get along with brothers more than I do with sisters, making me like ‘one of the bros’ even if it is unintended. I realize that this mindset is usually the root of what gets me into trouble. I say this because I am a sister and there are some things that you just can’t talk to brothers about and vice versa. Furthermore, I am a sister–thus I must carry myself and seek to be treated like a sister.

Jaded by rejection, betrayal, disappointment, and hurt… I used to be very weary and skeptical of the bond between sisters and questioned if the sisterhood before me was a blessing. The consequence of this was that I closed myself off to the sisters around me, keeping to myself about my struggles and seeking affirmation/consolation elsewhere. I would tell myself that this was surely the best way to avoid creating minimize problems in my life and everyone else’s around me, but the reality was that my prideful self didn’t want to face the honest correction from my sisters (even if I thought it could have been delivered just a little more loving and gentle at times). I am unbelievably hard-headed… seriously hard-headed… and looking back, I don’t blame some of the sisters for losing their patience with me.

Haha… but praise God! the Lord still continues to work in my life despite how hard-headed I am and whatever else has happened to me. Over the years the Lord slowly instilled within me a deep appreciation and love for my sisters as He continues to heal and transform the relationships in my life. I was affirmed of this last Tuesday during our upper household. Building off of our session for the night, one of our activities was to have a little one-on-one discussion with the sister we were assigned to. We were told to share with each other the temptations and sins we constantly struggle with, and then come up with a plan of how to keep each other accountable. And I froze. My pride within me kept on saying that this wouldn’t be a good idea and this general area of my life could not be trusted with anyone else but myself. (See? There’s that problem again) Thankfully, our God is a persistent God. I was so humbled by my fellow sister’s sharing that the Lord got through this hard head of mine and opened me up. Best decision i’ve made thus far. Had I decided to do this earlier in my life, I probably would have saved myself a lot of heart ache and trouble.

This was an eye-opening experience for me. I realized that this is one of the ways Satan traps us in the cycle of Sin. He tells us to hide in the darkness of our sin and shame and mask it with our pride. He knows that the best time to attack us is when we are complacent, when we are isolated, when we are vulnerable. The last thing he wants is for us to reach out and ask for help or intercessions.

To struggle with the Lord is beautiful, but to struggle with the Lord alongside your brothers and sisters is beyond beautiful. This is the type of beauty  that the Lord intended for Sisterhood/Brotherhood within our community. Granted, I will be completely honest… it will NOT be a perfect and hurt free. There will be countless moments where we will disappoint and hurt each other. But these are moments are all the more beautiful–if not, more–because they are opportunities for the Lord to work among us.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Amen.

 

 

Serving in SFC gives me a different way of looking at the womb to tomb mission of Couples For Christ. The young adults molded in SFC have become truly a future for CFC. In GTA alone, we have a number of members who just got married and others who just got engaged. Every SFC’s who got engage is victory not just for the community but also for all believers in Christ! The other side will always want to destroy every relationship because one new married couple is life and that’s not what satan wants. No wonder why all these relationship issues are happening because satan wants to stop Godly relationships even before it starts.

Imagine one new couple building a family centered on Christ? I am more affirmed now of the expanded vision of SFC, that says, SFCs are the next generation of Couples for Christ! We are building future husbands and wives, young professionals who will not just support families financially but build homes of character and passion for the mission of Christ. Mission will truly become embedded in every family and becomes a culture that will be passed on from one generation to another.

The past week I was blessed enough to be part of a mission trip to Montreal.

Kuya Kevin asked me if I could help with the ShouT that was to be conducted there.

This was the third ShouT that I have been to in the past few weeks having attended the MV ShouT and the GTA area ShouT. I was asking the Lord what else he could possibly want to reveal to me in this ShouT that he didn’t reveal to me in the past two.

We arrived in Montreal and instantly my blood started rushing and I got excited. It was as if my soul felt the Lords presence, as if He was there to greet me. I knew from that moment that He had an important message to tell me.

Something different about this ShouT was that it was in a rectory and circumstances led us to pray more than what I am used to even for a ShouT. We had our morning prayers, three worships, a rosary, and the evening compline each day. In a way we were allowed to “abuse” our time with the Lord by making full use of our prayer time. We were allowed to focus on Him and dedicate that time to Him. I even spent some time at the church in front of the tabernacle since it was connected to the rectory. It was truly a different experience fitting for the heart of Catholicism in North America.

In the times of prayer the Lord spoke to me in a way that brought me back to my own heart of worship. In a way the Lord wanted me to go back to basics since my mind has been so engrossed with much deeper and complicated reflections. I have read so many so many books about our faith and immersed myself asking deeper questions to the point that I’ve forgotten how simple and beautiful a Love the Lord has transformed me with.

My reflection led me to the simple fact that I am crazy. I am crazy for the Lord, but I wasn’t crazy first. The Lord was crazy first because He Loved me first. He Loved me despite of my imperfections and my sin. He Loved me despite my unwillingness to love Him back.

How the Lord Loved me first is nothing short of a crazy Love because no one in their right mind would Love someone like me so deeply. The Love that the Lord has allowed me to experience reminds me of his message to Mother Theresa, “I Thirst”. He desires me and thirsts for me despite every reason not to. Truly a crazy Love. I look back and realize that I’m crazy because when I experienced God’s Love I told myself that I want to be crazy like that. I want to Love like that, I want it more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life.

The Lords Love is so crazy that it allows me to rise beyond my own unwillingness to live more fully, it allows me to praise and worship Him with all that I am in every opportunity that I get to.

The Lords Love is so crazy that I end up in Montreal trying to pray the rosary in French when I don’t even know French. (A very humbling experience I assure you, I am so sorry Mama please forgive me LOL)

The Lords Love is so crazy that it allows me to love others greater in simply responding to his love for me.

I had to leave the ShouT early because my family wanted to celebrate father’s day on the Saturday. I said my goodbyes and took the megabus early on Saturday to make my family father’s day dinner. I went to morning mass on Sunday and the priest said something in his homily that truly struck me. He said that if we keep giving our money we will eventually run out of money, if we keep giving our time we will eventually run out of time, but if we keep giving our Love we will never run out of it. Love is the only thing in this universe that we will only gain more of the more that we give it away. This is because the Love of God is overflowing and we are all connected to Him.

The Lord is really calling me as a missionary to go forth with His crazy and overflowing Love in my heart. The Love that has made to who I am today and continues to transform me every second of my life.

I am thankful for what I experienced in Montreal and I hope to be blessed with the privilege to go there again. As I end this little story of my spiritual adventure in Montreal a prayer from St Augustine of Hippo rings in my mind to remind me of how profoundly the Lord has touched my life:

Late have I loved you, 
O Beauty so ancient and so new, 
late have I loved you! 
You were within me, but I was outside, 
and it was there that I searched for you. 
In my unloveliness I plunged into the lovely things which you created. 
You were with me, but I was not with you. 
Created things kept me from you; 
yet if they had not been in you they would not have been at all. 
You called, you shouted, and you broke through my deafness. 
You flashed, you shone, and you dispelled my blindness. 
You breathed your fragrance on me; 
I drew in breath and now I pant for you. 
I have tasted you, now I hunger and thirst for more. 
You touched me, and I burned for your peace.

Truly late have I Loved you Lord.

Amen.

Just realized I’ve been so behind in my blog posting, and so I commence with this blog.  Not really knowing what to write about, I lift up my thoughts to God, seeking what He wants, seeking His inspiration.  Thinking of the Lord, all I can think of, is His GOODNESS, and His LOVE.  I think of His LIGHT, which brings light to the darkness.  He shines through all darkness, for even the darkness is like light to Him … nothing is hidden from His Sight.  And so I am reminded of how good and loving our God truly is.  Today is the solemnity of the Most Holy Trinity, and the homily I listened to today spoke about this LOVE between the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, this eternal exchange of LOVE.  And so we, imperfect human beings, who love imperfectly, are called to be part of this eternal exchange of Divine Love, so that we may love the way He loves, so that we may love with His LOVE.  Beautiful eh?  It is God, Who truly teaches us how to LOVE … this LOVE is revealed in Christ Jesus.  We are reminded in today’s Gospel, how God LOVES, by sending His Son to die for all of us.  He teaches us what true LOVE is, through His Son, this eternal Divine Love, this AGAPE LOVE.  Amazing ain’t it?  This all makes sense, because God is so loving, He Himself is LOVE.  So as I continue in my life, seeking Him in this road He has laid before me, I cling to His LOVE, trusting in His loving grasp, entrusting my life to Him, knowing I am in good hands, I am in His loving hands.

Thank You God for being so good.  I love you, help me love you more and more, and teach me how to love the way You love, that I may love others the way you have loved me a sinner.  Yours be the Glory, now and always, AMEN.

The past couple of weeks have been a little difficult.. My mom was ill, and she kept having to visit the doctors because she wasn’t sure what was going on. And if you know me, dealing with illness with family or friends was never my strong suit. We were also prepping and handling my niece’s Baptism at the time, and time was just going by so fast. Amongst the other things going on as well, I just wanted some time alone and breathe.

Whenever I’m put into a situation where I have to face family illnesses, or I go through “stress-overload”, my mind suddenly goes into a dark place just to avoid any emotional toll I’m about to go through. I tend to be an emotional person at times. But during the closing worship of yesterday’s Leaders League these particular words stood out to me,

Now Christ is the strength of a heart that once set in the dark.
In His hope I’m made whole, now His freedom that saves me soul.

Through prayer, through reading the Bible, I was having such a hard time just listening and seeking guidance these past couple of days. But during that worship The Lord basically shouted to me that “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life (John 8:12).

Lord, thank You.