At Pacific Region’s weekend retreat, we were able to reflect on the past year and its victories and struggles. A very common theme among the each person’s sharing, including me, was it was a year of great suffering, of stretched and expanded hearts. Praise God. Then we reflected on next year’s upcoming theme of “Love More”. “How is the Lord calling me beyond my mission? How is the Lord calling me to love until it hurts?” After reflecting on the past year and how I felt the Lord was calling me through suffering, He instructed me to do something which opened the floodgates of my fear: “You have suffered well for Me, but now I want you to die to yourself.”
When I heard those words from Him, my heart was shook with so much fear as a recollection of struggles flooded my mind. Admittedly, this year of suffering was very hard for me, and when the Lord revealed His message for me to die to myself, it was hard for me to accept. Because, thinking that if I just went through a year of suffering where I asked the Lord “what more do you want from me,” so many times, I can’t imagine how it would be if He wants me to die. At this point I was overwhelmed, stubborn and blinded by my own selfishness. I saw discomfort, helplessness as I forgot to see the greatness of God throughout the year in ALL aspects of my life.
Man, am I so selfish. My own selfishness brought me to tears because I couldn’t bear the thought of feeling hurt, pain, and loneliness, and not just through suffering, but through complete surrender in death. My own selfishness desired comfort, security an easier path. I realized I’m desiring the exact opposite of what I desired and prayed for when entering the Mission Volunteer program– the narrow gate. And my selfishness tempts me to take the wider gate.
As I figured out my own pride and selfishness taking over me, I reflected on the past year. From there came peace and hope because I realized there was no reason for me to be scared, because Christ showed His faithfulness to me from this past year. In my suffering He blessed me a hundredfold and kept me close, especially through Mother Mary. He has lifted me up time and time again and I know this year and for the rest of my days He will keep lifting me up no matter how stubborn, selfish or ignorant I am. Although I am overwhelmed by His message to me, I am affirmed that He wants me to die to myself so that I can belong to Him. I am affirmed that this ache in my heart is a result of my selfish hand resisting to submit my Heart to His mighty and gentle hand. I am affirmed that by whatever death the Lord is calling me to will lead me to a greater union with His Sacred Heart and mother Mary’s Immaculate Heart. I am affirmed that I am loved!
Lord I realize how much you desire me, so much to strip away all of my selfishness and pride to make me a saint. I am still scared of what is to come but I ask You to strengthen me through your Mother. Overwhelm me with Your love and Mercy, O God.
Most Sacred Heart of Jesus have mercy on me. Immaculate Heart of Mary pray for us.
Totus tuus