Last Saturday, I attended SFC GTA’s precon. The theme was Desire, taken from Mark 10:51, “What do you want me to do for you?”
I honestly came to this event without expectations. I wasn’t participating in competitions and, for the first time in forever, I wasn’t serving. I spent the day on the sidelines, observing others, and hanging out with the CFC Youth who were helping with the event or were visiting.
The phrase I heard throughout the day was “What do you desire?”
I’m in a place where I know what I want. I have three prominent desires that I am constantly praying for and asking God for. In my mind and human understanding, it seems like I have to choose between them. According to what I think is possible, choosing one would make the other two desires too difficult to pursue. However, it also seems like choosing only one would be the wrong thing to do.
After experiencing SFC precon, my question for God turned from “What do you want me to do?” to “Lord, is this possible?”
The combination of all my desires seem impossible. It feels like I’m asking too much from God. On my worst days I find myself limiting God’s love for me by thinking, “I don’t deserve to have all of my dreams to be given to me. I’ve made too many mistakes to deserve it all.” When I’m going through one of those days, I immediately chastise myself for thinking that God’s love for me is conditional. I know better than that and I have so many experiences to prove how unconditionally God loves me.
However, on my best days I am still just like Doubting Thomas from last Sunday’s Gospel reading. Even though Thomas had witnessed Jesus’ miracles, listened to all of His words, broke bread and lived with Jesus, he still doubted when he was told that Christ had risen. My parish priest, Father Mario, explained in his homily, that Thomas’ fear, hurt, and grief for Jesus’ death kept him from hoping and believing in Jesus’ resurrection.
Upon hearing this, I realized that despite how much healing I have experienced over the last 3 years, there are still parts of me that are broken. I didn’t see it, but the hurts I’ve experienced from the past still echoes into my present life and is the reason why I constantly ask God “Is it possible?”
Just like how Thomas needed to physically touch Jesus’ wounds to believe, I also physically need Jesus to be present in my life to believe that anything is possible with God.
It’s funny how God works. January of last year, I had a deep desire to bring Jesus to others. As a result, I approached my parish priest to become a Eucharistic Minister last summer, just before the Eastern True North Conference. I felt so much joy in being able to physically bring Jesus to the youth at Conference last year. Now, after 10 months of being a Eucharistic Minister, I realize that not only did God want me to see the great need of others for Jesus, but He wanted me to see my own great need for Jesus in my life.
So, here I am – the MV with little faith. As much as I still struggle to believe that my desires will be fulfilled in the Lord, I know that my little faith is enough for God to work with. I am not a perfect Catholic, let alone a perfect MV, but if God can cause a tiny mustard seed to grow into a tree, than I am not a lost cause.
Lord, thank You for allowing me to see myself with more clarity. Please, grant me the courage to believe in You when the hurt and brokenness from my past tells me to stop hoping in You. Jesus, I believe. Help my disbelief.
A.M.D.G.