Over the past few months, I knew what exactly He was calling me to do – to forgive and to let go.
I suppose He wouldn’t call me to do so if He knew I couldn’t. However, even though the call was a constant one I chose to ignore it. I not only let stubbornness get in the way but I also let pride take over. I rationalized it by saying that if I forgave easily, even I would question just how sincere it was because deep down, I knew if it would mean nothing. I justified my actions by telling myself that for forgiveness to mean something and for it to be genuine, time had to take its course. I convinced myself I would eventually get to that point of being able to forgive without actually doing anything concrete to reach that state.
Instead of trying to attain that sense of peace that comes with forgiving someone, I held on. Holding on to anger allowed me to run away from the very thing I was being called to do and it gave me great comfort because it was the easier route to take. I became so used to the feeling and it became so familiar that even though I knew for a fact that there was still a need to forgive, it didn’t bother me that I still haven’t.
But the more I held on to anger, the more I hurt myself. My pride led me to relive everything I disliked about the events that happened and I let it dictate how I acted and reacted to situations around me. I was only thinking about how I felt and so I failed to see how much the other person desired to make things right. Only now have I come to realize that some parts of my heart have become hardened and stone like; leading me to close myself off from a lot of things.
When the hurt you’ve experienced leaves too deep of a wound, forgiving is not the easiest thing to do in the world. But when I look at the cross and every time I go to confession, I’m reminded that Jesus did that for us. And still does every time we err and sin. It may have taken a year but now that I have forgiven, I’m now able to make room for the things He has in store for me because I have finally let go of stuff that has been weighing me down. The parts of my heart that have become hardened are slowly becoming like flesh again and I know it will allow me to focus on Him and the people He will entrust to me especially as I enter a new service role next year; one that would ask me to understand and love much more than I ever have.
Very few people could be emptied and hollowed out and still choose to sincerely forgive. I didn’t think I could but His grace and His constant reminders allowed me to.
Be kind and compassionate to one another forgiving each other just as in Christ, God forgave you – Ephesians 4:32