His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
He’s nervous, on the surface he looks calm and ready
To drop bombs, but he keeps on forgettin
– Eminem (Lose Yourself)
I have grown up with a perpetual need to have a hand in every situation. Whether that be knowing what to do, or simply knowing what’s going on. In other words, I wanted everything under my control, ESPECIALLY (most especially) if it remotely concerned me or the people I knew. I needed to know where everything is and where they are going.
However, upon saying yes to the Lord to the MV program and to many other things pertaining to my life and what lies ahead (i.e. service, vocation, family situations etc.), these moments of “Yes, Lord” was met with great troubles, doubts and hardships. Great troubles that I did not think would happen nor want to happen. Even though, at the time of these troubles, I felt lost and had moments of yearning to just run away; at the end of the day, every successive “yes” always built towards something. Because one thing was for sure, these opportunities and moments of “Yes, Lord” will always happen…no matter what.
The struggle in this certainty of “Yes, Lord” moments was the fact that I had no idea where the Lord would be taking me. Like a ship without a captain, a business with no management or CEO or traveller with no map (or GPS for us today). The only difference with mine is that I was never alone (although at times I instinctively thought I was…and God is not instinctual but intentional) and it was just a constant revisiting of my conviction to this call and realizing that all that I need is to trust. And this is something that I’ve slowly and gradually have realized. Prayers of “Lord where are you taking me? Why do I have to be assigned here? Why can’t I just be at the destination already?”…have now become “Lord, lead me to where You are. Jesus, King of Mercy, I trust in You”. Thirteen months ago, I would have never said yes if I was told of the things I would have had to endure upon entering the MV program, then again, I would have never realized how great and providential God is (like actually…God is so good, thank You Lord).
And so, we look to the start of this blog post. What does any of this have to do with the song? To be honest, I don’t really know LOL. The song just came up as I was writing this reflection and it seemed like it fit. Actually, it does. Yes, it does, let me share haha. Like in the movie or music video, the call we say yes to is an opportunity that comes once in a lifetime, for Marshall it was to be on that stage, while for us it is to be with God. And when we say yes and live out the aftermath of our yes, we will face moments of forgetfulness. Forgetting why we said yes, forgetting what we said yes to, and forgetting who we said yes to. In order to remember again though, we must literally lose ourselves to the will of God, realizing that all of this and more is God’s to begin with. So don’t miss the opportunity to say “yes” to the Lord, and in the words of Eminem…
You better lose yourself in the… love of the Lord.
AMDG.