One of my most recent revelations is something that my boss said to me on Thursday, “You’re always living in the moment and not thinking ahead. If you want to move forward, you need to look ahead.”
It’s not necessarily a bad thing to live in the moment. It was quite ironic that she said that because I know that I am a planner. I like to know what I’m doing ahead of time, down to the smallest detail. I used to have a bad habit of planning out exactly what I would do in a day (hourly), but I would never follow through. Essentially, I spent more time planning than doing. In my third and fourth year of university, I realized that it wasn’t working for me and I resolved to just ‘do’. I still planned ahead (to some degree) but I pushed myself to always follow through.
I realize now, that there’s a deeper part of me that used to over plan because I had trust issues with God. I used to feel that I had to do it all on my own, but the thought of having to trust the Lord with my plans terrified me. What if He took those plans and dreams away? What if the things I wanted would never happen? So I stopped planning ahead and looking forward. I began to live only in the moment, in order to just bask in the present blessings that He was allowing me to experience.
It worked for a good 3 years. I’ve come to know the God of my present time and have really learned to see the Lord working in my life as I live it.
However, I realize now that I don’t trust the Lord as much as I thought I did.
Let me explain something first. I am pretty emotional. Some people may think that I’m stoic, unapproachable, intimidating, or strong. The reality is that I am very passionate. When I invest in anything, I invest all of my heart. When I serve, I give all of my heart to the One I serve. If you really know me, you’ll know this to be true.
Therefore, I know that if I dream, I will invest all of my heart into that dream. I have spent the last 3 years avoiding any thought or dream for my future because I have been afraid to dream for myself. I still struggle with the doubt of, “What if I hope for something that will never come?”. I don’t trust God (yet) to be my Promise Keeper because I am afraid to be heart broken.
I struggle with identifying God as my “Promise Keeper”, which is something that multiple people have confronted me with, without them even realizing. Early in the year, a beautiful sister in the GTA told me “He is a promise keeper. Trust Him”. During the MV SHOUT, Kuya Gelo shared that He loves calling God “Promise Keeper”.
In both instances, I still couldn’t bring myself to trust God, the Promise Keeper.
However, I was at St. Michael’s Cathedral yesterday and the state of the Cathedral inspired a thought. The extensive restoration process that is ongoing inside the Church, along with the scaffolding that’s set up throughout the church led me to think, “No one builds without a plan.”
After the multiple messages and calling to build a temple for the Lord within me, my area, and wherever mission calls me, I realize that I need to trust God so much to the point where I can Hope and dream again.
At my current state, I trust God to work in my life in the present. However, I want to trust God to work in my life in the future. I want to Hope in Him, be able to dream a future full of Joy, and trust that God will fulfill my dreams and desires for a life of Joy. I know it will be hard. Trust is not easily earned, but I trust God enough to know that the Lord will pursue me until all of my heart has been healed, made whole, and restored to Him.
After all, “Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of my enemies; thou anointest my head with oil, my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” (Psalm 23: 5-6)
AMDG