Inquisitive

One of my earliest academic memories is being described by my first grade teacher as “inquisitive”. At the age of six I was made aware that I had a propensity for asking questions, a natural interest in learning things (sometimes to my detriment). And although I know this word has its negative connotations, it is one that I still find association with.

This sense of curiosity governed every facet of my life. It dictated how I came to know the world around me, and eventually, my role in the world altogether. I rarely found myself accepting things at face value. Every situation warranted a logical explanation, every concept demanded a certain validity. The skeptic in me needed to, in a sense, place my own hand in the wound in order to believe (John 20:25).

Sometimes I would search for answers simply for the sake of knowing. Reading books on this and that, solely for brief moments of satisfaction. But through the example of St. Thomas I’m reminded that my knowing means nothing if it doesn’t lead me to loving. Understanding of the mind is only half the story without the understanding of the heart.

Being a Christian would mean very little if all I knew was who Jesus was, what he did and what he said. And not to minimize the importance of knowing the person of Christ, I am certain, however, that faith requires me to go beyond knowing. It requires me to believe. It requires me to trust, even when the answers to my questions don’t seem to satisfy my feeble intellect. It is with this same posture that the once doubting Thomas made his famous profession of faith, “My Lord and my God!” (John 20:28). It is only then, that with eyes of faith he touched the wounded side of Christ and was healed of his own wounded disbelief. Christ asks me to do the same.

I used to think my curiosity was the bane of my existence, that being a thinker (and even an over thinker) was more of a curse than a blessing. I’ll admit that sometimes it would get me into trouble, but other times, when directed properly, it would lead me to something great. I know that I wouldn’t have otherwise come to know the Truth personally if it hadn’t started with a question. It is in these questions that I experience the Lord disturbing my mind, prodding at it, inviting it to not remain stagnant. He allows me to challenge my faith, to come closer to His wounded side only so that I can leave a stronger believer than I came. It is no coincidence that the stirrings of my mind move in tandem with the stirrings of my heart.

St. Thomas’ doubting is what led him to knowing, his knowing to loving, and his loving to serving. So too am I hopeful that my tendencies to question will never be futile. I am confident that the yearning I have to seek the Truth and to learn about the faith will only lead me closer to Christ. Perhaps my moments of unbelief are altogether necessary for me to realize the limits of my mind and the limitlessness of God.

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Come Holy Spirit and navigate my soul, invade my heart, and inspire my intellect. In times of unbelief and lack of trust, draw me nearer to the side of Christ. Let my doubtful hands touch the Truth and renew my profession of faith. Convert my mind and heart every day, that I may share with others Who I have come to know, Who I long to love, and Who I will never tire to serve.

St. Thomas, pray for us!