Immersion

Those who know me well will know that I am afraid of more things than are necessary. Nearly every situation in life I find myself defaulting to anxiety. In keeping with this tendency, my recent ANCOP immersion in the Philippines was nothing short of a litany of fears made manifest.

Among many things, I was afraid of the cultural differences and the language barrier. I was disquieted by the prospect of having to do and eat things that I would not ordinarily have to, and to live in conditions that were foreign to me in every sense of the word. I knew for certain that the Lord was specifically and intentionally heightening my anxiety so as to heighten my sensitivity to Him.

It was through overcoming seemingly petty fears – of committing to learn Tagalog, of bathing with a bucket as a shower head, of being one with the poor, that I came to realize that I lose nothing when I lay down my pride. What a tragedy it would have been to cheat myself of these experiences for the sake of self-love. These moments quickly turned into realizations that what cowardice is to selfishness, bravery is to selflessness. Overcoming the physical discomforts was to embrace the immersion completely and joyfully, and doing so counted as no loss at all.

As the days passed I began to ponder the specificity of the word “immersion”. When speaking of being immersed, that is, in water, it would be foolish to say that one has been fully immersed if one’s head is left dry. Every day of the ANCOP immersion reminded me that I needed to go all in – I needed to not be afraid of getting wet, of being fully immersed in the culture and in the discomforts. I needed to go beyond myself to converse with the people in my limited and broken Tagalog, to dance, sing, and play with the children when I was exhausted from a day of building houses, and to be grateful for whatever food or drink was given to me regardless of whose hands had made them.

Too often in my life am I afraid of going out into the water for Christ. I am afraid to surrender my will in exchange for His. At my core I am afraid of the unknown. I often hold back by rationalizing what I should and should not do, only prepared to give to Christ what is safe and what is calculated. In my mind I am ready to completely surrender, yet in actuality I’m only willing to dip my toes in His invitation to trust.

This immersion demanded me to venture into the places, experiences, and relationships that make me extremely uncomfortable. Yet it was in this vulnerability that Christ was able to teach me, humble me, and correct me. Only then was I able to recognize that this immersion was not simply about embracing the poor, but about embracing Christ himself! He is the real immersion! What a beautiful message now etched in my heart to immerse myself in Christ! That, like water, I must go all in – I must abandon fear, for what is fear but pride in disguise! He wants me wholly and completely without any reservation!

My encounters with tangible, physical fears in the Philippines were in service of directing my attention to the deeper, more substantial fears that have been occupying space in my heart – fears of the future, of my vocation, of my career, and of my discernment for full time pastoral work. Yet just as He had assured me in the face of fear during my mission trip, His message remains the same for these: “Do not be afraid, for I am with you” (Isaiah 41:10). Although there is still uncertainty with what lies ahead, I am grateful for the foretaste of God’s promises to me through this immersion. It is clear to me now that joy abounds from a heart that is fully surrendered to Him, that peace is experienced with every fearless “Yes”, and that there is no loss in immersing my life entirely in Christ!

Teach me, Jesus
Build me, Jesus
My whole life’s for You!

– Jueren Nabua, With You