I always had the desire to become a Mission Volunteer, yet I denied it every single time someone would ask me if I was open to the idea. I think I somehow convinced myself too that I didn’t want it or that ‘it just wasn’t for me‘… but I still found myself randomly asking others about the program.
I remember one of the Titos here in Big Sky telling me that this Mission Volunteer program would strip my heart’s walls, leaving the truth of my interior exposed for many to see. The idea of being broken down really scared me. But even with this in mind, I still applied completely aware of my fears and doubts, and still unaware of how ‘broken down’ I would actually become.
A few weeks ago, some leaders and I here in Winnipeg went on a mission visit to Saskatoon for their Youth Power. On the Saturday of the trip, we attended mass in the evening. Something Father said in his homily that night continues to stick with me until today. He told us to ‘feel the hunger and feel the thirst.’
At the time, I was just so boggled and confused as to why we had to feel our hunger and thirst. I understand that our cups must be emptied in order for Our God to fill them with His richest, purest wine… But I still didn’t understand why we had to feel this thirst. I myself don’t like to dwell on my spiritual desolation and emptiness, and I couldn’t imagine anyone who does… So why did Father remind us to do so?
In my personal prayers these past few days, I always came back to that same question: Why did Father ask us to feel our emptiness? And I slowly realized that I was wrong and that I misinterpreted what Father was reminding us. This thirst, this hunger– it’s not just desolation or dryness or emptiness… It’s a deep desire! It’s the desire in our hearts wanting us to be one with God. We’re hungry and we’re thirsty because WE ARE INCOMPLETE without our God. And our God is the only one that can satisfy this hunger and this thirst.
The past few days have been really rough on me with finals and other things happening in my life. But coming to this conclusion in my personal prayer, I know now that these struggles I face in my life are because I am slowly being broken down of my walls, like what Tito said before I had applied for the MV program. God is slowly tearing me apart so that He can build me up even stronger.
As He tears my heart’s walls, I begin to realize my heart’s true desires. But in order for me to grasp and fully understand these desires, I must first realize how empty my heart is, in order to feel the hunger and thirst caused by His absence. And as I discover more about my faith and the underlying joys and fears that I carry in the interior of my heart, I pray that God will truly break my heart.
“There’s a cry in my heart,
for Your glory to fall,
for Your presence to fill up my senses
There’s a yearning again,
a thirst for discipline,
a hunger for things that are deeper
Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart, could I go there with You?”
– Cry in my heart, Starfield
Gyan D
AMDG