To be completely frank and candid, I do not know how I feel in this moment. I don’t know how I’ve been feeling all week.
There’s a lot that has happened and is going on in my life recently. The start of a new job, the rapid deadlines and busy schedules of service, the processes of friends and their various life events and the dynamics of my family.
I don’t know how I feel about it all. I am very thankful for the moments when I recognize and count my blessings. But I also have moments where I think about everything going on and the timeline in which it is all happening and I know there are somethings I will have to prioritize over others.
I constantly question if my priorities are in the right order. And I know there are moments where I fail to do better. But what confuses me the most is that I don’t know my own mood at times.
Am I happy? Am I sad? Am I overwhelmed, tired, excited for what’s at hand… am I okay?
Quite honestly I don’t know. Sometimes in conversations with friends my mood, thoughts and words take me by surprise. It is concerning that I do not even know the state of my own heart in how I feel. I have thought about it and am trying to figure out how I feel but the only thing I come up with is, “I feel meh.”
In a sense it is a feeling of indifference, which immediately called to mind Revelation 3:15-17
15 I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! 16 So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. 17 You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked.
How can I be indifferent to myself!? It doesn’t quite make sense and yet here I am. There a few things I need to discern about in life. I can be given a situation and see it logically and try to think of what God might be asking of the situation. However when it comes to actually making a decision that is for myself, I hesitate. Again I think about it logically and from what God may be asking of me, but is my thought process right? Have I actually thought about it properly?
This is like verse 17, my wealth is my ability to think and reason in most situations. Yet I do not realize I am pitiful, poor, blind and naked when it comes to wisdom or even trusting God’s plans for me.
I suppose in realizing this now, I need to figure out if I am hot or cold. Not only that, I need to be able to open up more, with humility, and ask for wisdom and guidance from the people God has already placed around me.
Lord, please help me to open up, to acknowledge how I really feel and to not be indifferent in life.
In Christ,
Meagan Webb