As I lost control of many things in my life, I’m reminded of what God truly wants from me.I could somewhat describe myself as a bit of a control freak. I don’t mean that in the traditional sense of “my way or the highway” but rather having the same instinct for preservation as the servant in the Parable of the Talents (Matthew 25:14-30). You know, the one that God called out as “wicked and lazy” for his lack of initiative in multiplying the talents given to him? This Gospel really hits home, let me tell you why..
As I read the passage, it stings a lot to think that my actions, regardless of how I may perceive them to be, can actually be seen by others, most especially God, as something else entirely. Especially after hearing such words that you don’t often associate with God’s loving and gentle demeanour.
That’s why I empathize with the servant, what I may see as responsible, prudent, and carefully thought out can actually undermine the very thing I hope to achieve; pleasing God. Just like one of my most favourite movie scenes (a guilty pleasure): you have become the very thing you swore to destroy.
It comes down to my lack of faithfulness in His plan for me. I often doubt the areas I’ve been placed in. Not mindful and aware that God is always purposeful and deliberate in His ways.
I’ve been learning this lesson a lot in my second year as a Mission Volunteer.
When I applied to the program, I came in with a boy-scout-like-conviction to solve the many problems I saw in my area and the wider community-at-large. In a way, I saw that being a Mission Volunteer would afford me the opportunity to have a greater role in wanting to “Be and Bring Christ” wherever I am. It would become the vessel to carry out the many different plans I saw in my head as being ingenious and foolproof. It worked…only for a bit.
Youth Camps were still getting cancelled, leaders were still going off the beaten path, households still weren’t happening, formation events would still be planned last minute, broken relationships still persisted within service, etc.
Ever tried holding a mixture of corn starch and water? It stays solid and intact for a quite bit until it starts to dissolve through your fingers. This is what fixing these problems felt like. As much as I could do my best to have my 1to1s, give well thought-out teachings, set time for fellowship hang-outs, and be faithful in bringing others to Trinity Runs, these would ultimately be band-aids that ran out of adhesive as time flew.
This would cause me to then become vulnerable to Satan driving me into his twisted sense of tunnel vision.
“What!? Another meeting?”
“You want me to serve for this event when you know I already said yes to serving for another!?”
“Do I really have to be at this teaching night? I don’t want to cancel this 1to1..”
“Dude. I really can’t promise I can get this design done the way you want. I’m just so busy right now.”
How can I gauge my decisions as being something from God? Well to put it simply, I ask myself, does it bear the fruits of the Holy Spirit? In every moment where a decision has caused me to doubt the people I serve with, to feel uncertain about whatever predicament I previously thought as correct, to falter in my prayer life every time I happened to fall, did it bear charity, temperance, faithfulness, etc? Not at all. This I know is not the doing of God but of myself…or something worse.
Instead of accepting the situations God puts me in, I see them as roadblocks to what I think God is leading me to. “I won’t let this happen on my watch“. Ultimately, it is the fear of failure that becomes my downfall. “How can I be a model of excellence when I often put myself in situations of failure?” “How can I be magnanimous in everything I do if I allow things to stay the way they are when I know I can do something about it?” (Spoken like a true Choleric I must say)
We are capable of finding strength amidst weakness as God desires us to be weak as we turn to Him more. It’s easy to be magnanimous with our strength, but have we given much thought on being magnanimous with our weakness?
magnanimity, n. being great of mind and heart.
Mother Teresa once said that “we are not called to be successful but faithful“. In all of my frustrations and worries, it is because I often choose success over faithfulness. Without realizing it, I start to act like the saviour of my life’s mission areas rather than Christ. Carrying our cross is accepting defeat as much as it is carrying it. However, to carry our crosses like Christ is accepting defeat magnanimously because the victory has already been won. We’re not called to be models of success. To be a model of excellence is being a model of magnanimity in victories and defeats.
A great saint that exemplified magnanimity in defeat? St. Therese of Lisieux. With her terminal illness, she saw it as a means to an end. It is how God spoke to her. It is how God loved her. She did not perceive her predicament as something to be fixed but embraced. “Everything is grace” she said. The good and the bad, it is grace from God. Everything is an opportunity for us to appreciate Him, to be reminded of Him and to fall in love with Him. It’s a peculiar way of seeing things, but God has a mysterious love affair with paradoxes.
And so we return to the “wicked and lazy” servant..
He was called out by his master not because of who he was or what he did, but because he failed to see what his master wanted of him.
He was wicked because he chose the path of “the Other” as so many of us do. The path that takes us away from our main road, be it due to our action or inaction. It is wicked because it is not God’s ways. It is not the path of greatness because it cheapens our worth; the call to Holiness.
He was lazy because despite his decisions, he didn’t bother to ask himself if this is what his master truly wanted. He became slothful in his discernment as many of us often become especially when we feel assured about something. As St. Ignatius of Loyola puts it, we must become aware of “the different movements caused in the soul. The good to receive them and the bad to reject them“. We must not be complacent in accepting our circumstance by constantly seeking the will of God and to be careful for mistaking our will as His.
Just as I may be magnanimous in my praise, in my worship, and in my glory. May I be magnanimous in my losses, in my weakness, and in my suffering.
Just like you Lord.
Take Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will, all that I have and possess. You have given all to me. To You, O Lord, I return it. All is Yours, dispose of it wholly according to Your will. Give me Your love and Your grace, for this is sufficient for me.