Beautiful Brokenness

There is so much beauty in vulnerability.
There is so much beauty in being broken.

     I was excited to attend the Eastern MV SHouT and my entire week was organized so that I could arrive at the venue on time or even earlier. However, during a one on one with a brother, I was notified that my grandfather, Tatay Earl, was rushed to the emergency. Usually if it was a minor problem, only one of his sons or daughters would be there, but this time all three daughters accompanied him. That is when I knew something was serious.

     When I arrived home, my mom asked me to help my aunt and my brother bring Tatay back to the hospital the following morning. I quickly agreed and the following morning, my brother and I were picked up by my uncle and we headed to pick up Tatay from my cousin’s house. The past several months, the whole family noticed a drastic decline in his strength; He was more fragile and more dependent on others. We lifted him onto the passenger seat, something we never had to do before, and headed off to the hospital. Tatay was still pretty strong, he was even joking around with the nurse that tended to him, and conversing with us while we were with him in the hospital. When it was time, I was comfortable leaving him, confidently knowing that he’d be okay.

     I headed to the MV SHouT, being a couple hours late, and was welcomed by the beautiful sisters and inspiring brother, of Eastern Canada’s second MV batch. Everything was good; I was excited to be there and ready to witness what the Lord had planned for me, and oh how loudly He spoke. During the GTA SHouT, the Lord focused on the areas in myself that needed to be exposed and brought to light. During the MV SHouT, He focused on external areas of my life that I needed to work on. One of them was family.

     On Friday morning, I was contacted by my cousin to head to the hospital, Tatay got worse, all of our family was told to go immediately to the hospital. On the previous night, the last session was centered on family, oh how the Lord works!

     When I arrived at the hospital, nothing could have prepared me for the state I saw Tatay in. It was too quick. Everything just dropped. However, praise God that He was still responsive when we spoke to Him. I was able to share with him the plans for my future, and I was so affirmed when he approved. Thank You Lord. Most of my family was present and my family from Windsor was on their way. We stayed with Tatay the whole day. He was finally moved into a private room where the entire family could surround him.

     All of the cousins knew that Tatay wouldn’t want us to just stand around him, looking at him, and feeling sorry. We knew he always enjoyed watching us having fun with one another. So, we continued to be the crazy family that we are, and started a Riff Off (Pitch Perfect reference) in his room. We sang for hours, laughing and spreading joy. Deep down I know Tatay was enjoying himself as well.

     We were still waiting for one family from Windsor to arrive and because of how strong Tatay has always been, I guess my family thought that he would be able to wait for the other family to arrive. We left to go back home, I was dropped off at the SHouT house and the rest of my family went back home. I felt fine, I wasn’t worried at all for Tatay. It felt so natural that Tatay would still be there when we got back.

     After waking up from a nap I took in the brother’s room, an hour after I arrived, I checked my phone to see if there were any updates on Tatay, only to see a text from my brother that read, “Tatay passed”. One of the Kuyas from the SHouT house arranged a ride for me and an Ate offered to drive me to the hospital and another sister came to direct her. Thank you so much to you all, I cannot express how grateful I am for you.

     On the way there I was nervous, anxious, scared, and had so many mixed emotions. My mom called me and I heard the uneasy, shakiness in her voice and that she was trying to hold back her tears. When we arrived at the hospital I quickly ran into the elevator. When the elevator opened, my youngest cousin saw me and pointed to the room where Tatay was. I ran.

     I entered the room and saw him. I wasn’t ready. As I approached, I kissed his forehead and a waterfall of tears ran down my face. The sight of him. The sounds of my family that surrounded him. I wasn’t ready.

     I was asked to lead the rosary soon after. It was the hardest thing I had to do in my life.

     The whole time he was in the hospital he was praying the rosary. I was told that right before he passed, his last breaths and the last bit of his strength was used to move to the next bead of his rosary.

     There was so much brokenness in that room. So much vulnerability. So much love. It was beautiful.

Thank You Lord for the life of Tatay. Thank You for blessing this family with a strong, faithful, and generous man. Welcome him into your loving embrace. May he rest in eternal paradise with You, our Blessed Virgin Mother, all the angels and saints, and Nanay.

Love you Tay.