I cannot believe that it is June already, where has the year gone. Honestly, to me the year has been so eventful… A lot of scary moments, from letting go and moving on from a community I have been accustomed to for about five years, to pursuing a potential vocation as a mission volunteer for CFC Youth for Christ; to make things even better and to stir the pot even more, I decided to move out to pursue school again after two years later.
I like to think that I am good at hiding my feelings. I remember, when I got on the ferry with a one-way ticket to Vancouver, there were many things running through my mind. I remember trying to hold and compose myself, “what did I just do? Stop, stop, look at the water… oh trees… control yourself, control your feelings. DO. NOT. CRY.” Basically, I was scared and afraid to fail, to get lost, and for all the uncomfortable moments that I know, I will encounter. The first few months were tough because I was mainly homesick, a lot of “adulting” moments (grocery, laundry, and no accessible car). I tried to occupy all my time with work, school, spend time with friends, and more school. I wanted to fully occupy myself, to make it seem like I was “busy.” I think the feeling of being important, knowing our lives are full, full of things to do, people to meet, or activities to pursue distracts us to our true purpose, to temporary fill that empty space. To me, I wanted to occupy all of my time so that I would not have the time to “think.” The struggle to forget the deep fear of empty spaces and the deeper fear of being lonely, not alone, but lonely.
Recently, I realized many things, attending an annual CFC Youth: Regional Youth Conference with the theme of Journey. I had been reflecting on my own journey. I remember sitting at the balcony, appreciating the environment, all of the familiar and unfamiliar faces, simply just observing. But, I was also kind of anxious because I didn’t really know what I was doing there. Everyone around me was busy running around finding people, setting the stage, and making sure that things were running smoothly. Then there was me, just sitting down. I was not used to be still. I felt out of placed and useless.
So, I reflected and it is kind of funny how this journey has been so far. I am glad that I finally leaped. It took a lot of prayers, a lot of convincing and pushed to have the courage and simply to trust first. Sometimes I wanted to complain about how much I am suffering, for the feeling of being forgotten, for all of the uncomfortable situations, and I admit feeling lost is so scary, but every single day, I am always reminded of how blessed I am. I know that the Lord will always have my back. I believe that the Lord will send the right people to me at the right place and the right time; and I know I will also be sent somewhere at the right place and at the right time. A constant reminder that IT IS OKAY TO BE STILL, embrace the anxiety, the loneliness, and have a faithful discipline for the Holy Spirit to lead me, to lead us to new places, new people, and new forms of service wherever and whatever that would be.
This mission never stops. It is everywhere. This journey is beautiful. It is a great suffering, BUT beautiful. I am home. 🙂
“Leave it all to Him, let go of yourself. Lose yourself on the cross and you will find yourself entirely.”
St Catherine of Siena