Author: Sab Espina

peace is not the absence of trouble, but the presence of God

this week, I started my post grad program in social work. it’s a fast track program meaning instead of a two year program, I would be able to complete it in a year’s time. I almost regretted my decision when I realized that they would compress a whole semester to 5 weeks because I mean,

• the pace of the lessons and the lectures would be fast. really really fast. super fast.
• there would be a quiz / test / assignment due every day of the week
• the readings would be aplenty and abundant. as in 3 – 5 chapters for each meeting
• it’s just really scary to think of the amount of work. how does 4 months become 5 weeks? how? just how?! is this even possible?
• I am not a morning person and all my classes start at 9am
• bloor and yonge station is chaotic in the morning
• how am I supposed to balance school with  family time, time with friends who are on summer vacation right now, service, plus MV tasks?

because I was panicking last tuesday, I called a friend who’s in the process of getting his PhD. I knew he would be able to calm me down since he’s experienced all those things minus service and MV assignments; and true enough, he told me that while the experience would make me want to cry and tear my hair out at times, I should never forget why I applied to the program. he even sent me a link to a song by Kim Boyce called Not Too Far From Here and it was just what I needed to hear that night since it pretty much illustrates why I want to be a social worker in the first place. as an added bonus, I realized that the song also intersects with being an MV (YAY, affirmed!)

Somebody’s down to their last dime
Somebody’s running out of time
Not too far from here
Somebody’s got nowhere else to go
Somebody needs a little hope
Not too far from here

And I may not know their name
But I’m praying just the same
That You’ll use me, Lord
To wipe away the tears
‘Cause somebody’s crying
Not too far from here

Somebody’s troubled and confused
Somebody’s got nothing left to lose
Not too far from here
Somebody’s forgotten how to trust
And somebody’s dying for love
Not too far from here

It may be a stranger’s face
But I’m praying for Your grace
To move in me
And take away the fear
‘Cause somebody’s hurting
Not too far from here

Help me, Lord, not to turn away from pain
Help me not to rest, while those around me weep
Give me Your strength and compassion
When somebody finds the road of life too steep

Now I’m letting down my guard
And I’m opening my heart
Help me speak Your love
To every needful ear
Someone is waiting
Not too far from here

I don’t know if it’s because I’m doing something I’m passionate about, the realization that I’m one step closer to the career I’d like to pursuit in the future, or because I would be able to apply some skills towards being a better household head / better MV but… Praise God because despite all the anxiety that comes with those bullet points, I’m still able to feel peace.

to love others when things are going well is easy; it’s the most natural thing in the world. but to love in spite of the hurts and disappointments is just … hard. almost impossible. so for the past few weeks, one of my prayers has been to let me love others more. this past two weeks has been tough because of the hurts and disappointments that I felt regarding something I really, really, really care about. but now that I realize it, the silver lining regarding the events that transpired is His answer to my prayers.

I was talking to a brother about it and after a few days worth of letting our emotions get to us, after ranting and venting to each other about what was happening, we both realized that although it may not necessarily be the easier route, we’re always called to be the bigger persons. the ones to try and understand, the ones to reach out even if that’s the last thing we’d want to do. to really be Christ to whomever we encountered and to bring Christ wherever we went. it also helped that when we didn’t know what to do anymore and we both felt like we were already reaching our breaking point, God always manifested His presence to comfort and affirm us. He spoke to us through our couple coordinators, verse of the day apps (2 Tim 1:6-7), the gospel for the day (Luke 24:13-35, John 20:11-18, John 20:19-31), whenever we opened our Bibles randomly (Mark 4:1-20, Ezekiel 12:1-4), and even (in the Mass that we weren’t supposed to go to initially) during the homily that felt like it was personally written for us.

to be affirmed and to find solace and comfort in God made us remember our roles and why we’re serving in this capacity. yes, we have to be a leader that corrects mistakes but we also have to be a brother / sister that supports, someone who will be there through the good times and the bad times. personally for me, it has affirmed the desire to perhaps go for full time and/or social work (Lord, whatever Your will is…) because to see so many people hurting has reignited the desire to be the one to try and bring them to light.

Lord, when things get tough, may You remind us of your unconditional love for us so that we may pass it on to others. let the cross be our guide to love others as You have loved us. may we always see the beauty and the goodness in other people no matter how hard it may be and may You give us the patience and a heart of a servant in order to fully serve the people You’ve entrusted us with.

Ever since I was young, I’ve always struggled with vulnerability. I took it to mean that revealing or opening yourself up was a bad thing because it made me susceptible to being teased and hurt. Showing one’s faults and flaws also made me feel like I’m disappointing those who were relying on and looking up to me. I found it hard to let people take care of me because I felt like doing so was a sign of weakness.

To ensure that I did not show vulnerability, I guarded myself. I placed walls, doors, and gates and only let a select few in. When I did let people in, they were kept at a secure distance. Once I felt like they were getting too close and were encroaching on the boundaries I set, I either pushed them away or I took a step back. Not to say that I did not trust my closest friends but it took a lot for me to be able to reveal or show the real me. The fewer who knew, the better and I thought this kind of set up worked the best because it eliminated the risk of getting hurt. I liked the feeling of security it gave me because I was always in control of the situation since no one could use anything against me. Why be vulnerable and show weakness when I could be strong? Why end the facade that everything was going well, and fine, and dandy? To do so would elicit concern from friends and they would require that I talk about feelings so they can make sure I’m okay. I thought that by hiding and closing everyone most people off, I was doing a great service to myself. But now I realize, putting up those walls, doors, and gates is actually a disservice because it’s isolating me from those who could support me when I crumble from within; thus, breaking me even more.

It took a while but being in the CFC-Youth community has made me realize that struggling with something is normal and is not something to be ashamed of because to acknowledge the trials I’m going through denotes honesty with myself and with God. More often than not, admitting my fears or that I need help is met with appreciation (how often have you heard people say, “thank you for sharing that”?) as well as the promise of prayers to help me overcome. Opening yourself up by way of being pastored is actually quite alright and is not so bad because it allows people to take care of you. In the same way, being able to pastor the members God has entrusted me with by sharing with them some of my lowest points has made me more approachable and real in their eyes. Stumbling and falling does not automatically equate to being weak. On the contrary, it shows just how strong or courageous one can be because it takes a lot of nerve to be able to admit one’s faults, failings, and flaws. These walls, doors, and gates are slowly being teared down and I have the love and acceptance that I found in the community to thank for that. (:

*This week’s Twitter promo for TNC is, “How has Lord blessed you in SFC / CFC-Youth?”I had to blog because how could I possibly fit all that in 160 characters? =P

I have come to realize that sometimes, the comfort level we have with a person can determine the level of patience or how tolerant we are towards them. It’s as if the more secure we are in their love, the greater the tendency to take it for granted. The more we know that they will forgive us even if we hurt them, the greater our inclination to be insensitive and careless when we deal with them. Take for example an incident that happened at my friend’s house. While he was preparing snacks for us, his younger sister took his iPad from the table without his permission so she could play. When he saw her playing with it, he berated her rather harshly. However, when another friend of ours (who came late and did not see what happened between our friend and his sister) did the exact same thing, he took it in stride. He even asked him how the battery life was and gave him his charger so he could continue playing.

I asked my friend why he was harsher towards his sister than our friend and he said that it’s because he knew he could make it up to his sister by leaving his iPad with her when he goes to work. He added that it doesn’t take a lot for them to sort out the misunderstanding and for her to forgive him. If on the other hand he reprimanded our friend, the level of security he felt towards their friendship was not as firm as the bond with that of his sister’s so he was scared that if they do get in a fight, it might take a while for them to patch things up.

What my friend did to his sister made me realize that this is what He has been personally calling me to understand during this season of Lent. More than just asking for forgiveness, He is calling me to turn away from this distorted and skewed logic that I sometimes have of His love and mercy. See, there are times when I err and sin because I become so transfixed and complacent with the knowledge that He will take me back and forgive me as long as I’m sincere with my confession. Knowing that He will always be there to welcome me back in His arms leads me to justify sinning; which is wrong on so many levels. While I should be comfortable and secure in His unconditional love for me (and you :), I should always remember that it should be the force that anchors me in Him and not the one that separates me from Him by way of sin.

It takes a while for me to open up (my past Household heads / counterparts / household can attest to this) so to share this particular encounter, no matter how vague it may seem, is a pretty big step.

Two days ago, I was at St. Joseph’s Hospital. I wasn’t supposed to be there but because of an error the secretary made, my appointment was rescheduled. Armed with the knowledge that most of the 3 hours will be spent in the waiting room, I came prepared. I brought a book, a fully charged phone, and my rosary ring to calm me down as I usually get anxious when I’m waiting for my turn.

About 45 minutes in, I was told by my nurse that because my doctor, who’s the only one allowed to administer the medication is running late, I should add an extra 30 minutes to the waiting period. Because I was starting to get a bit impatient and restless, I decided to pray. The lady to my right looked curiously every time I turned the ring. By the fifth mystery, her curiosity got the better of her and she asked if I had OCD because I was turning the ring in a slow and deliberate manner (maybe the normal way is to turn it quickly? I don’t know… I didn’t really ask). I explained to her that I was saying the rosary. She apologized for interrupting, told me to finish, and to speak to her afterwards.

When I was done, she told me that she grew up Catholic. But because of something that happened, she lost her faith and would only go to Church during Easter and Christmas. While her husband would go to Church every Sunday, she would stay home to cook lunch for him or tend to their pets and their garden. Our conversation turned to why we were there and when she found out that we were there for the same reason, she asked me why I still prayed. Why I still went to Mass to give thanks. I did not know whether to answer because I feared I might sound condescending but in the end, I did.

The gist of my reply was: I pray and give thanks because He is good. And forever will be good. I anchor myself in Him because to lose faith when things become difficult is the easy way out. To focus on the hurt is to act like the elder son in the parable of the prodigal son: it is to disregard the blessings He is showering me with. I choose to believe that He has a plan for me. What I thought was a situation that would leave me wallowing in sadness and despair is turning out to be the complete opposite because through this, I’m finding strength I did not know I was capable of having. I told her that even though I find it hard sometimes, I have to constantly remind myself that what I understand at this point in time is all that He is letting me. In His time, it will all make sense. I added that when it gets really bad and my heart breaks into pieces, I let it happen. I tell myself that it’s okay not to have it together all the time because it allows God to work in me. To have my heart broken gives Him the chance to mend it again.

She was called by her nurse so we had to stop talking. My doctor eventually came and after the medication was administered, they told me to go back to the waiting room since they had to wait an hour before they could do the second round of blood work. When I came back, I was surprised to see her there because she was a step ahead of me (her second round of blood work was done and she could leave after it was taken). She told me that it’s not the first time she heard those words – her husband and friends would tell her the same things though she did not pay them heed because it sounded like they were just saying those to keep her optimistic. To hear those words from someone in the same situation made everything seem more genuine and real. She thanked me because even with the acknowledgement that it will take time for her faith to be completely restored and for her to completely heal, our conversation has helped her to start opening her heart to Christ again. (:

Last week, I had a one on one with a sister. One of the things we talked about was the importance of sharing our experiences no matter how insignificant we may think they are. Because until we do, we won’t know who might benefit from them. Prior to this encounter, it never occurred to me that my story could keep someone engaged for two hours or inspire someone to welcome Christ into their life again. But what just transpired affirms the beauty that can be found in sharing not only the joy we experience but also the cross(es) that we carry. What we may think is our darkest hour may be what other people need in order for them to find hope in Christ again.

This illness will not end in death; rather it is for God’s glory, and the Son of God will be glorified through it. – Jn. 11:4