Author: Rayah Realista

 

There’s a part of the Eucharistic Liturgy that I absolutely love to witness every mass.

Just before the consecration, the priest says “Make holy, therefore, these gifts, we pray, by sending down your Spirit upon them like the dewfall so that they may become for us the Body and + Blood of our Lord Jesus Christ”.

Why?

I have a vivid imagination. I always picture God’s Spirit just falling upon the altar, the priest, and the bread and wine with this gentleness and grace that can’t ever be recreated by human power. I wish I could paint or draw it because words just can’t describe what I see during this moment.

I find myself always holding my breathe just a little bit because it’s the moment just before a miracle happens. How exciting is that?

I am always so drawn to the Eucharist in this moment because God’s gentleness captivates me and breathes hope into my heart, no matter what kind of baggage I continue to carry around.

When I was younger, I used to imagine God the Father as a strict and angry being. I was very rigid in my faith because I didn’t want to upset God and cause Him to be angry at me. I tried my best to stay away from doing bad things and to always obey my mom and dad because I experienced the feeling of my parents getting angry/disappointed at me. I imagined that if it felt that terrible for my parents to be mad at me, then if God was angry with me, it would feel a million times worse.

As I continued to encounter God and journey in my faith, I learned about God’s mercy. His never ending mercy still baffles my mind. I don’t understand how it is possible for God to continue to love and forgive me for my weaknesses, failures and sins – but, I know His mercy is possible because He is God. I know mercy is possible because of the gentleness by which He comes to us during mass.

Like the dewfall.

Yes, there are moments where I feel God is knocking very loudly and forcefully at my heart. But usually, it’s only because I was being too stubborn and insensitive to His gentle prodding.

God makes His way into my heart with gentleness. He never barges in or tries to force His way into my life. No, He is a gentle God that entices me with His beauty  and Goodness to let Him into my life just a little bit more each day.

I can hope and be joyful because of the gentleness He treats me with through His mercy, His never ending desire for my heart, His beauty, and His Goodness.

 

In December, I was able to go to Quebec City and pass through the Holy Doors at Notre Dame Cathedral. I went with friends that I hold close to my heart and it was liberating to be able to go on a road trip with them. I was at peace with knowing that my faith journey with these God-fearing people was not bound by service in the community, but by God who placed them in my life.

At the time, we had no idea what the Holy Doors really were. Most of us knew the basics; 1) they would close soon and 2) passing through the doors equaled to a plenary indulgence. We arrived after a 14 hr drive and stood in line. We read up on the Holy Doors together while in that line (yes, I know. Shame on us for not being prepared).

Once I entered the Cathedral, I was struck by Jesus’ presence. As soon as you entered, there was Jesus, exposed. Going deeper into the Cathedral, there were throngs of people admiring the beauty of the Cathedral, lining up for confession, and praying.

Jesus was right here. Therefore, so were His people.

So, I went and lined up for confession (not the English one, because it was too long). There were 2 kids in front of me in the line. They were both playing on their Nintendo DS’s while waiting and they were arguing with each other. I was overwhelmed by the noise. So I politely asked them if I could have some quiet time so I could pray and they both kindly agreed. Then 5 seconds later, their mother showed up and budded me in the line by loudly saying “Excuse, I’m their mother.”

To be honest, I was surprised that she did so, but I told myself, “It’s okay. Just let her be with her kids.”

Then, the mother continued to chatter with her kids and was trying her best to coach her kids to make a confession. On my part, I was struggling to find a point of stillness while trying to prepare myself for confession. It got to a point where I was really frustrated and could only tell myself, “It’s okay. Just be patient. Just wait. Just love them.”

I couldn’t help but observe how confession and sin was explained by the mother to each of her kids. It was endearing to see how the kids processed the mother’s explanations and how they viewed the confessional.

At the same time, I realized that there is such a deep need for parents to know and understand our Catholic faith. If parents only have a basic understanding of our Church’s teachings and traditions, then their children will also struggle to learn about our faith. Schools and religion class can only do so much. Parents really are the first teachers that any child has.

Currently, I am actively discerning for my vocation. Whether this discernment leads to religious life or marriage, there is a deep and urgent need for God to conquer my mind. Wherever I am led, I need to know God in mind, heart, soul, and body. To be honest, the more that I encounter God, the more I realize that He has only scratched the surface of my hard and stubborn exterior.

I am called to surrender more and let God’s love sink into my entire being – mind, heart, soul, and body.

 

I never used to think of God or refer to Him as a “Promise Keeper”

I envied those that called Him that. I always felt like they had this hope in them that I could never really grasp for myself because I doubted so much if God would really grant me the true desires of my heart.

However, in the last few months, others kept pushing me to look at God as a promise keeper. I wrestled internally with this for a long time. I really just couldn’t believe that God would give me the things I longed for. In my own understanding, all of my desires conflicted with each other. If I chose one, I would forfeit everything else I wanted. I couldn’t bring myself to sacrifice for one thing because I wanted everything.

I asked Him over and over again, “God, how is this possible?” Instead of answering my question, God asked me “Why don’t you believe in me?” and eventually I found that my answer was “Because I don’t believe I am worthy of the things I desire.”

It was difficult for me to admit to God that I still  believed in a lie. I thought I had come so far in my healing process, yet there were still dark crevices of doubt in my heart that believed I was unworthy of God’s love.

As I continued to wrestle the doubt out of my heart, I came to realize that God was expanding my faith and using the holes in my heart to help me become more holy. As a I lifted up my doubts in God the Promise Keeper, I saw Jesus give Himself as THE promise of joy, over and over again in mass, as bread and wine. It was a comfort to know that when I opened my eyes to see how God saw me, I didn’t see all of the flaws I had. Instead, I saw God, who loved me through my flaws. I saw a God who loved me in my honesty. I saw a God who wanted me to hope, to dream, and to claim victory over my doubts. I saw a God who lay behind all of my desires. I saw a God who assured me that I would live a life of fulfilled promises because He is the Promise.

Don’t get me wrong. I know there will always be challenging life moments where arrows of doubt are fired into my heart. However, when I open my eyes to His presence in my life, I know without a doubt that in this moment He is keeping His promise to me. I don’t need to have the things I want or life goals accomplished to know that He is good to me. All I need to know is that God is with me, because He is my promise fulfilled.

One of my most recent revelations is something that my boss said to me on Thursday, “You’re always living in the moment and not thinking ahead. If you want to move forward, you need to look ahead.”

It’s not necessarily a bad thing to live in the moment. It was quite ironic that she said that because I know that I am a planner. I like to know what I’m doing ahead of time, down to the smallest detail. I used to have a bad habit of planning out exactly what I would do in a day (hourly), but I would never follow through. Essentially, I spent more time planning than doing. In my third and fourth year of university, I realized that it wasn’t working for me and I resolved to just ‘do’. I still planned ahead (to some degree) but I pushed myself to always follow through.

I realize now, that there’s a deeper part of me that used to over plan because I had trust issues with God. I used to feel that I had to do it all on my own, but the thought of having to trust the Lord with my plans terrified me. What if He took those plans and dreams away? What if the things I wanted would never happen? So I stopped planning ahead and looking forward. I began to live only in the moment, in order to just bask in the present blessings that He was allowing me to experience.

It worked for a good 3 years. I’ve come to know the God of my present time and have really learned to see the Lord working in my life as I live it.

However, I realize now that I don’t trust the Lord as much as I thought I did.

Let me explain something first. I am pretty emotional. Some people may think that I’m stoic, unapproachable, intimidating, or strong. The reality is that I am very passionate. When I invest in anything, I invest all of my heart. When I serve, I give all of my heart to the One I serve.  If you really know me, you’ll know this to be true.

Therefore, I know that if I dream, I will invest all of my heart into that dream. I have spent the last 3 years avoiding any thought or dream for my future because I have been afraid to dream for myself. I still struggle with the doubt of, “What if I hope for something that will never come?”. I don’t trust God (yet) to be my Promise Keeper because I am afraid to be heart broken.

I struggle with identifying God as my “Promise Keeper”, which is something that multiple people have confronted me with, without them even realizing. Early in the year, a beautiful sister in the GTA told me “He is a promise keeper. Trust Him”. During the MV SHOUT, Kuya Gelo shared that He loves calling God “Promise Keeper”.

In both instances, I still couldn’t bring myself to trust God, the Promise Keeper.

However, I was at St. Michael’s Cathedral yesterday and the state of the Cathedral inspired a thought. The extensive restoration process that is ongoing inside the Church, along with the scaffolding that’s set up throughout the church led me to think, “No one builds without a plan.”

After the multiple messages and calling to build a temple for the Lord within me, my area, and wherever mission calls me, I realize that I need to trust God so much to the point where I can Hope and dream again.

At my current state, I trust God to work in my life in the present. However, I want to trust God to work in my life in the future. I want to Hope in Him, be able to dream a future full of Joy, and trust that God will fulfill my dreams and desires for a life of Joy. I know it will be hard. Trust is not easily earned, but I trust God enough to know that the Lord will pursue me until all of my heart has been healed, made whole, and restored to Him.

After all, “Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of my enemies; thou anointest my head with oil, my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” (Psalm 23: 5-6)

AMDG

For some context, I’m a behavioural therapist for children diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorders and I work for a private home-based agency. This means that I go to client’s homes to conduct therapy sessions with their kids. I love my job and I love the kids I work with… but if I’m going to be real with you, then I need to say that, I had a crazy work week. I dealt with really difficult behaviours this week (full blown rolling-on-the-ground-screaming-kicking tantrums) and I got bit for the first time.

With that said, I was also dealing with anxiety for “Level Up Training”. The anxiety grew as the week progressed because I really didn’t know what I was doing until Friday. Yesterday, I helped to pilot the new Level Up Community Based training in GTA. It was a 12 hour day and most of us in the service team literally did not sleep. I know, it’s horrible. I am NOT advocating for sleep deprivation. Trust me, those who know me well can attest to my LOVE for sleep. I will never understand how I could physically manage being awake for 36 hours and still be coherent.

Overall, I had a crazy week and Friday/Saturday was the culmination of what this reflection is really about.

This week had me running on empty. I reached my stress limit on Thursday evening…but with Level Up preparations, I was called to go beyond my limits – physically and mentally.

On Thursday, I felt like I had nothing to give. Everything I had was already distributed out to the kids I had sessions with, the families and parents worked with…and when asked for more, my response was “What’s left?”

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. – 2 Corinthians 12: 9

Grace – the chance to speak face-to-face with the CFC Youth Chapter Heads and Couple Coordinators; the ability to witness the missionary heart of GTA grow even more; the countless blessings.

I don’t know if the CFC Youth of GTA will ever truly know how much you have changed and blessed me. I will always chase after God because of you – because when I have nothing left there is only God– and you all deserve more than I what I have left.

Last Saturday, I attended SFC GTA’s precon. The theme was Desire, taken from Mark 10:51, “What do you want me to do for you?”

I honestly came to this event without expectations. I wasn’t participating in competitions and, for the first time in forever, I wasn’t serving. I spent the day on the sidelines, observing others, and hanging out with the CFC Youth who were helping with the event or were visiting.

The phrase I heard throughout the day was “What do you desire?”

I’m in a place where I know what I want. I have three prominent desires that I am constantly praying for and asking God for. In my mind and human understanding, it seems like I have to choose between them. According to what I think is possible, choosing one would make the other two desires too difficult to pursue. However, it also seems like choosing only one would be the wrong thing to do.

After experiencing SFC precon, my question for God turned from “What do you want me to do?” to “Lord, is this possible?”

The combination of all my desires seem impossible. It feels like I’m asking too much from God. On my worst days I find myself limiting God’s love for me by thinking, “I don’t deserve to have all of my dreams to be given to me. I’ve made too many mistakes to deserve it all.” When I’m going through one of those days, I immediately chastise myself for thinking that God’s love for me is conditional. I know better than that and I have so many experiences to prove how unconditionally God loves me.

However, on my best days I am still just like Doubting Thomas from last Sunday’s Gospel reading. Even though Thomas had witnessed Jesus’ miracles, listened to all of His words, broke bread and lived with Jesus, he still doubted when he was told that Christ had risen. My parish priest, Father Mario, explained in his homily, that Thomas’ fear, hurt, and grief for Jesus’ death kept him from hoping and believing in Jesus’ resurrection.

Upon hearing this, I realized that despite how much healing I have experienced over the last 3 years, there are still parts of me that are broken. I didn’t see it, but the hurts I’ve experienced from the past still echoes into my present life and is the reason why I constantly ask God “Is it possible?”

Just like how Thomas needed to physically touch Jesus’ wounds to believe, I also physically need Jesus to be present in my life to believe that anything is possible with God.

It’s funny how God works. January of last year, I had a deep desire to bring Jesus to others. As a result, I approached my parish priest to become a Eucharistic Minister last summer, just before the Eastern True North Conference. I felt so much joy in being able to physically bring Jesus to the youth at Conference last year. Now, after 10 months of being a Eucharistic Minister,  I realize that not only did God want me to see the great need of others for Jesus, but He wanted me to see my own great need for Jesus in my life.

So, here I am – the MV with little faith.  As much as I still struggle to believe that my desires will be fulfilled in the Lord, I know that my little faith is enough for God to work with. I am not a perfect Catholic, let alone a perfect MV, but if God can cause a tiny mustard seed to grow into a tree, than I am not a lost cause.

Lord, thank You for allowing me to see myself with more clarity. Please, grant me the courage to believe in You when the hurt and brokenness from my past tells me to stop hoping in You. Jesus, I believe. Help my disbelief.

A.M.D.G.