Confido

Confido is one of many ways to say “Trust” in Latin. It is a verb. It means to confide, believe, have confidence in, rely on, depend… Trust.

This whole year I feel the Lord calling me to trust Him. I have been very much trying and so far it led me to experiences beyond my imagination. From the quiet moments in silence to the grand journies around the world. In all instances I was able to encounter Christ in a personal way.

It has taught me so far to keep hope and continue to trust in God. But trust is something I realized we sometimes hyperfocus onto one aspect of our lives.

It is easy to say, I trust God that I will be financially okay because He blessed me with a job when I needed it the most. Then to build on that experience moving forward in times that may get financially tough. And although you completely trust God in that aspect, you might turn around and be like, “oh man I’m never gonna find someone to spend the rest of my life with – I’m going to be alone forever!” *insert crying emoji, heartbreak emoji*

That is not complete trust in God. At most it is only partial trust, but I would argue that’s not even trust. Let’s say you have a friend who you hang out with a lot and become close with. You have a special bond. However you go out in public and see this friend but don’t want to acknowledge them or have anything to do with them while in public. What kind of friendship is that?

It’s not a true friendship. In fact, if that were to happen to me I would question the friendship and probably cut it off. Our friendship shouldn’t be based on certain circumstances or restrictive rules.

Such is trust. You can’t only trust God between the hours of 9am-5pm. Nor should you trust God will grant you the ability to play the guitar but not the understanding and knowledge to pass an exam. When it comes to working out at a gym, getting better at a sport or talent, do you keep God in the equation? At the center of it all?

All those things require an active participation on your behalf. To get better at playing the guitar you need to practice. To pass an exam you need to study. The more you go to the gym, the more you practice a sport or talent the more results you get. It takes action. Trust is an action.

Complete trust is to confide in the Lord all your hopes, dreams, goals and woes. It is to believe that with the grace of God, ALL things are possible; whether it be passing a course you haven’t been doing well in all term or becoming the next Olympic gold medalist. Complete trust is to have confidence that even when you can not hear, feel or see God you know He is present and will never abandon you. It is having the humility to recognize that in life we will always need to rely and depend on God.

God isn’t only present in one aspect of your life. He knows you better than anyone else in the world. He knows you better than you know yourself. I am still learning to trust God with everything I have and with all that I am. But if it is one thing I know, is that, trust is NOT limiting God or putting Him into a box of what He can and cannot do.

Be patient. Be open. Confido.

In Christ,

Meagan Webb

Scared

Am I doing this right? This thing called life. What is my life’s purpose? My biggest fear is that I die before fulfilling what it is the Lord has sent me to do. And yet the more I try to pursue the path I think the Lord has called me on, the more I question if I’m doing it right.

Though at times I think I’m alright, that my heart is resting on still waters, there’ll be a wave of fear and uncertainty that rock me and catch me off-balance.

I am scared. There’s so much I do not know about in regards to my future. It seems like more and more people my age are already getting engaged and married (is it me or does marrying young seem to be making a come back?! That’s a discussion for another time). I’m perfectly fine with it, but then it leads down the path of others asking me about my love life and about if/when I will get married. Likewise people have some serious job titles under their belts at my age, while I’m here literally trying to get anything under the sun.

When people ask me about my love life or my career, that in itself doesn’t shake me. In fact I feel more secure being able to truthfully and honestly say I’m ready to give the “best years of my life”, while I am young and able, to serve the Lord in whatever way He calls me.

What shakes me is when I’m left in the silence after a while and question, what if I am wrong? What if this is not what God wants of me? Or what if I’m missing something and I need to work and develop myself a few more years before becoming a missionary. But if that’s true then Lord, why is job hunting so hard and am I not seeking the right opportunities to grow?!

I ran to mass today not knowing that these were the prayers and questions at the forefront of my heart.  The first reading from 2 Tim 1:1-3,6-12 in itself hit me kinda hard. It was St.Paul addressing St.Timothy about persevering against worldly views and standards. That no matter what challenges or ridicule we face, it will always be worth it for Christ.

After receiving the Eucharist I went back to my pew as the choir started to sing. I felt the Lord’s message to me come through another all too familiar song from my childhood. He said,

You shall cross the barren desert, but you shall not die of thirst.

You shall wander far in safety though you do not know the way. 

You shall speak your words in foreign lands and all will understand. 

You shall see the face of God and live. 

Be not afraid, I go before you always. Come follow me, and I will give you rest

The Lord is affirming me that He is going before me, making clear the path that He wants me to take. How else can I respond other than to be patient and trust Him. So for now I say, “Alright Lord! Lead the way!”

In Christ,

Meagan Webb

Wednes-dates

Since the beginning of this year, as part of my personal journey to be truly Christ-centered, one of the things I set out to do was go to adoration more. It is a practice that I only really started to appreciate and grow in last year. One of the moments that really hit me was the realization that daily mass and exposition of the Blessed Sacrament isn’t readily available in some areas as it is for many of us here in the Greater Toronto Area. I took for granted the opportunities to attend mass every single day. That’s an opportunity to literally encounter Christ in the Body, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY!

Even though I may not have attended daily mass, I still had the opportunity to encounter Christ on a given day through adoration. On campus I could have gone to the Catholic chaplaincy where the Lord was present in the tabernacle. Once I was home more, I became aware of how my local parish of St. Issac Jogues had the exposition of the Blessed Sacrament after the 7:30am mass right up until the 7:00pm mass every Wednesday. If I am home doing “nothing”, then I have no excuse as to why I can’t find 1 hour of my day to go visit Jesus. So since January, I make it a point to go every Wednesday I possibly can, my weekly date with Jesus, my Wednes-dates.

What is Eucharistic Adoration?

It is where you adore and worship Christ who is present through the Eucharist. This can be done where the Blessed Sacrament is exposed and held in a monstrance (refer to blog title photo), or when the Eucharist is present in a tabernacle.

What do you do at adoration?

This is always something I struggled with at first. Do I pray? Am I allowed to ask for things? If I’m done praying do I sit in silence… my mind runs a million miles an hour so I have all these thoughts flooding my brain, so I guess I’m not doing it right?!?!

Well there’s no one “perfect” way of adoring the Lord. First and foremost you are there to adore and worship Christ in the splendid glory of his Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity. Personally I start by prostrating before the Blessed Sacrament before entering a pew or sitting on a chair. I like to kneel majority of the time, but it is perfectly fine if you sit. Do what makes you comfortable and what is within your physical capabilities. However I think it is important that you remain aware of your posture as you are before the Lord.

If you are unsure what to do, you can get an adoration guide which has a series of prayers and reflections you can do. Again personally I start by acknowledging God and meditating upon the mysteries of the rosary. I like to do the rosary at the beginning because I ask Our Lady’s intercession to help guide me closer to her Son, Jesus, and from there I have my conversation (thanksgiving, petitions, general prayers, rants…). I sometimes take the time to journal and reflect.

The hardest part, but I think a crucial part, is also to take the time in silence. To try and listen to what God may be trying to tell you. It’s hard especially when you don’t know how to listen in the silence. Many people are uncomfortable in the silence, myself included at times. But I challenge myself to sit and listen. If I hear nothing or feel nothing, at the very least I know I am spending time in the presence of God and that alone is enough.

How long do I have to stay?

You don’t “have” to do anything. No-one is forcing you. The best part about going to adoration on your own is that it’s on your time and at your pace. There’s no check-point that say you should have completed 5 Our Father’s, 7 Glory Be’s, figure out your entire life purpose and solve global warming within 5minutes or else you’re doing it wrong. You could spend hours in adoration and still leave without any answers. I think what is important again is your posture through it all. Generally speaking, if you practice Holy Hour, which is spending 1 hour before the Blessed Sacrament, you are granted plenary indulgence.

I spend at least 1 hour because of what Jesus said during the agony in the garden of Gethsemane,

 Then he came to the disciples and found them sleeping; and he said to Peter, “So, could you not stay awake with me one hour?” – Matt. 26:40

However I can easily spend over 2hours if I’m lost in contemplative prayer. I could just as easily only spend 15minutes if I realize I am running late for something but still wanted to stop in and say “Hi” to Jesus.

Why go to adoration?

Honestly, I don’t know if there are any hard and fast mandatory rules about having to go to adoration from the Catholic Church. I do know that what makes Eucharist adoration different is that it is a personal form of worship. Whereas celebrating a mass is a communal form of worship. We are called to grow both communally and personally. I believe Pope Saint John Paul II has some beautiful writings about it. I myself am still growing and learning.

I personally go to adoration because it is where Christ is. How can anyone develop a relationship with someone if you never take the time to see them? Sure things like long distance relationships exist, but if you had the opportunity to see your significant other and never take the time, then don’t be surprised if your significant other cuts you out of their life. I mean similarly, we can pray to God anywhere and anytime, but that’s just like long distance communication. When I go to adoration, I am meeting my significant other face to face. Christ will always be my constant out of all relationships I ever have and will always be significant, whether I choose to acknowledge it or not. However if I choose to keep away from God, then how can our relationship develop and grow? How can God reveal the plans He has for me? How will I know His love for me, even in the hardest of times when I do not feel his presence?

Adoration is where I come face to face with Jesus, and I am able to grow in agape love.

Does it work?

Yes. In God’s timing. All my prayers, heart aches, trials and tribulations, hopes and dreams – from this past year alone I can see a definite increase in how God is working with me, in me and for me. It’s not to say you go to adoration, pray to win the lottery and wake up a millionaire (although, hey, always worth the shot… lol) Rather after dedication and constantly going to adoration I can see how God has changed me and is still continuously working on me. My prayers are being answered in His perfect timing (even though sometimes I may not like the waiting part) but because I know that He is taking care of me, it allows me to hope and for my faith to be made stronger.

In Christ,

Meagan Webb

Trust the Process

It’s approaching about a month and a half since the YFC International Conference in Manila. By now I should have all my photos posted, vlogs edited and a whole ton of reflections written in my journal. Well in fact, I have little to none of those things accomplished.

The first week I came back home was filled with rescheduled doctor appointments and meetings. As well for almost 3 & 1/2 weeks I was sick with what I sum up to as a nasty cold. I don’t really know if jet lag had an effect on me or not, if anything it was probably in the form of that pesky cold. One thing I have been actively doing everyday is job hunting and that my friends has been an interesting process.

In a brief conversation with a sister last week I realized a couple of things. My attention and priorities were so hyper focused on getting a job that I didn’t take time to process or appreciate what I had experienced personally at ICON. Nor am I taking full advantage of my situation. Generally speaking I am an optimistic person. Whenever someone has a problem or underrate themselves I can’t help but to try to put things into perspective. I can see hope and I can see God working in others. If I were to identify my favourite books, movies or even songs you would see the overall connecting theme of an underdog (with a little bit of faith, hope, trust and determination!) overcoming all odds. Seriously, I believe anything is possible! Why? Because God can make ALL things possible.

However when it comes to my personal matters, it’s sometimes (a lot more times than I care to admit) easy to deject my dreams. It’s not that I don’t dream for myself but there are “hindrances” that arise. Sometimes I become too realistic to the point of talking myself out of even trying or entertaining a dream further. Other times it is finances, personal insecurities, fear of failing, fear of being judged, and even times where as much as I want to do something I mentally break down and can’t. Let’s call it my slump days. A slump day for me is when I find it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s when I recess into my mind and recall everything that is not going right in my life. It is when I struggle with my relationship with Christ. It is when I struggle to find the motivation to do anything. It is a dark trap where I know I should be more grateful, I know that I am blessed, yet still I struggle to find my self-worth and any sense of joy, peace and love. It’s where I sometimes want to reach out to people but just can’t and don’t know how, even though I know it’s just by starting a conversation. The scariest part is that these slump days can come right after the best days of my life. They happen randomly and I don’t know why. I know this sounds hella dark and bleak, but it’s an honest part of what I go through.

For that reason I was scared to let my guard down even for a moment. After ICON I knew I was taken up to a spiritual high and I sort of wanted to just spring off that high and keep up for as long as possible. But in doing so I was by passing everything that is beautiful and awe striking at the top. Metaphorically, instead of taking in the view at the top of the mountain, I sort of just kept walking and moving around because I know once I take in the view, the inevitable decent will begin. (I mentioned I was an optimist earlier, right? Well I’m also a bit cynical, it’s a clashing dynamic)

I feel like I’ve been running in a circle, getting nowhere and not taking in the view of ICON. I started to take in the view last week by drawing an image of Our Lady that I had in my head. Despite my insecurities and lack of skill in drawing, I took the time to do it, and I did it on a whim to remind myself it’s worth taking the time while I have it. If I don’t seize the opportunity to reflect and take in all that I have experienced, it’s just going to pass me by. There were so many affirmations and messages the Lord had for me from this experience and to bypass it would be an injustice to God. I need to face my fear and not be afraid of the decent. It will happen when it is time to happen, but for now God has given me this view and I should take it in.

In Christ,

Meagan Webb

Are you ready to R.O.C.K.?!

Do you remember the very first time you were asked to serve?

My very first time I was officially asked to serve was at a general assembly as the “games master.”

Unofficially, I guess you can say one of my first services was kids watch at Kids For Christ general assembly.

It started by being dragged to the CFC general assemblies by my parents. With the hope and promise that I would see some friends there (and get food). The friends that were there happened to be serving the Kids For Christ (KFC). So I would just help out and join in any activities the Kids had. Eventually I took on responsibility to lead a game or be part of a play for the kids. And I liked it, there was a joy that came from witnessing the innocence within children and seeing them take interest in learning about Jesus. Plus if I’m being honest, the KFC activities were more fun cause they had a lot of arts and crafts! I eventually ended up attending a “Reaching Out Christ to Kids” training, aka R.O.C.K. training, and officially became part of the Kids For Christ team.

Over time, as I started to take on more service roles in CFC-Y and grow in both age and life responsibilities, attending the monthly CFC GA’s, and consequently the KFC GA’s, took a back seat to most things. I know I’m not the only one who has slowly disappeared from this service over the years, and I know that the KFC team could sometimes suffer because a lack of man power.

Recently I was able to attend an area R.O.C.K. training. It was a blessing to see a new generation of leaders wanting to serve their younger brothers and sisters!

Even though I led a workshop for the ROCK training, I very much felt like a participant again for the first time in a long time. I joined community when I was in high school. However I met leaders who themselves grew up community and were KFC members. To see them become leaders now and to choose to give back to the KFC ministry was truly inspiring.

R.O.C.K. extends more than just a day care. It aims to help teach and bring kids closer to Christ. A reminder that Christ’s love knows no age limit. You are never too young to know and to love Christ.

The beautiful part we sometimes take for granted when serving KFC, is how we are able to get to know God in a simple, childlike manner. As we get older our relationships with people and our relationship with Christ can become more complicated. Taking that moment to remember where your relationship first started with Christ and to be taken back to a childlike posture of heart and faith is a true blessing!

“But as for you, continue in what you have learned and firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it, and how from childhood you have known the sacred writings that are able to instruct you for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.” – 2 Timothy 3:14-15

May we never forget that we are all children in Christ.

In Christ,

Meagan Webb

True God from true God

Growing up and raised Catholic, there are many things I take for granted about the faith. Even when attending Catholic school it can be hard to live out your faith due to fear of ridicule and social persecution.

Over the years I’ve heard homilies and talks about how we are called as Catholics to evangelize. To proclaim the Good News, to lead others to Christ; to share the truth. But how is one supposed to confidently evangelize when the truth around them seems to be skewed? When some of your Catholic teachers can’t answer basic faith questions or don’t practice the faith? When your fellow peers who grew up Catholic don’t believe. When other Catholics say they see the Eucharist more of a symbolic representation, rather than the actual body of Christ.

It can be discouraging to stand up for the faith. It can be a challenge when most of your life you have accepted and assumed things about Catholicism. It’s hard if you’re not properly equipped with the knowledge to debate or the words to explain.

St. Athanasius stood up for what he believed in, he stood up for the truth, even when most stood against him. St. Athanasius was a bishop in Alexandria, Egypt during the fourth century. Many of the priest and bishops during his time misguidedly believed in Arianism. That is to say they regarded Jesus as an elevated human being, God’s highest created creature, but not a truly divine being. They did not recognize Jesus’ true divinity.

There was a divide among the bishops and priest on this matter. Many, about 3/4th of the clergy believed in Arianism, leaving only about 1/4th of whom believed in Jesus’ true divinity. It resulted in many fights, not just verbal debates, but physical brawls. One other saint who was there to throw down in defense of Jesus’ divinity was St.Nicholas (a.k.a. Santa Claus).  It was during this time that the First Ecumenical Council was held. Out of it came the Nicene Creed, which professes and made clear Jesus’s divinity;

“…I believe in one Lord Jesus Christ,
the Only Begotten Son of God,
born of the Father before all ages.
God from God, Light from Light,
true God from true God,
begotten, not made, consubstantial with the Father…”

Despite what came out of the council, there was still a divide among the clergy. Many still followed Arianism and were against St. Athanasius who dedicated his time fighting against Arianism. They persecuted him for upholding his beliefs. He was sent to exile, multiple times, based on false claims made against him in attempts to get rid of him. One of the things that St.Athanasius did however, was call the pope at the time out on the matter. Urging him that he must take a stance, grow a back bone and do something about the heresy happening within the Church. Among all levels of the clergy St.Athanasius stood his ground.

One of many things we can learn from St.Athanasius is that faith without action is dead. Once you know the Truth, it is not only your duty to share it, but it’s your obligation to keep it true and defend it. To not bend or skew it in any way, shape or form. There are no grey areas when it comes to Jesus’ divinity. There is no grey area when it comes to the Holy Trinity. Likewise there is no grey area when it comes to the sacrament of the Eucharist. It is not a symbol, it is the actual body of Christ.

I know the Church’s history is not perfect. It’s not perfect even today.

As His Eminence Cardinal Collins once said, show me a religion without blemishes and faults. Show me a religion that is perfect. When you find it, let me know. Because it won’t be held by humans. Humans are imperfect beings.

Man, no matter what his beliefs, cannot take away what God is and ever will be.

Although his feast day was earlier this week on May 2nd, I pray for St. Athanasius’ intercession, that we may have the courage to continuously seek and defend the truth. To take a stand, even if it means persecution in any form.

In Christ,

Meagan Webb

Ad Audendum Imaginatio

dreams into reality

In January we had our Regional Leader’s Retreat (RLR) in the Greater Toronto Area. The theme was “Rekindle,” one that is classic and can be somewhat cliché to those who have been to many Christian leadership retreats. Personally I was in what I will recall the darkest period of my life thus far, so having the theme of rekindle, I couldn’t handle all the irony it entailed. However that RLR was unlike any other I’ve ever attended before. It truly was a retreat out in what seemed like the middle of nowhere and despite it being extremely cold, there was an unequivocal peace whenever I was with the Lord. When I say “with the Lord” I mean quite literally with Him as we were blessed with perpetual Eucharistic adoration. Contradictory to the peace I felt, there was a burning desire for something greater, a sort of restlessness that I could not ignore. I don’t know how to explain it, but I knew then that there is a journey and experience set for me beyond my wildest imagination. It didn’t make sense. There’s a lot of crazy things I dream about and although I hope that they will one day come true, I couldn’t quite see many of them happening soon, at least not within this year. Yet the Lord brought me in front of him that weekend on January 13th 2018, despite the threat of a winter storm and many personal set backs. Seeing how God was taking care of me, I had nothing else left to do other than put my complete trust in Him.

Fast forward exactly 3 months later to April 13th 2018, I find myself on the other side of the world, sweating in the heat, worshiping God with 10 000 youth from various countries. Awe struck at the situation, I could not fully take it in. This was one of my crazy dreams, it had been for years, to attend an international conference (a.k.a. ICON). As if attending the conference alone wasn’t enough, I felt God personally meeting me in the little details. For one, many of the speakers, sharers and even worship leaders all seemed to have a connection to Campus Based. I am currently the Campus Based program head of GTA, and as silly as it may seem, just hearing and seeing fellow brothers and sisters from Campus Based helped me to feel like we are not alone in the GTA. If I’m being honest, it can be discouraging at times when you don’t see the greater picture and start to question if what you are doing has an impact at all. That is where I admittedly felt like my service mindset was heading. Though I still held hope and trust in God’s plan for campus based, it slowly started to feel like an encroaching isolating bubble. That may have been partly because I was losing the ability to dream for Campus Based. It was hard not to focus on membership numbers and event stats during our area service meetings. That in turn made me fear to dream; if I set my dreams too high they won’t be achieved within my service term or others may judge and not agree. I realized during our Global Leaders Summit (held immediately after conference), that my dreams had become faithless. The first session given by Kuya Lawrence Quintero was about living our dreams. He said,

“When you take God out of your dreams, it just becomes an idea. There is no dreaming without faith… have hope always.”

I realized then how I was losing the ability to dream. As someone who is usually full of ideas both realistic and extravagant, I didn’t pay attention to how I slowly started to stop thinking of new ones. As for the existing dreams, I started to let them drift away unconsciously, in a way I was giving up by not hoping and pursuing these dreams.

how I dream

To better explain, I personally separate my dreams and ideas. An idea for me is something that I can tangibly do in an immediate situation. For example, cutting out foam letters for an event. A dream for me, is seeing a greater vision, something that is able to reach the next level. For example, live projection mapping on 3D objects, even on people! (Imagine how this can help elevate a creative for a session, or visually enhance the experience of the event. It would be insane and I am excited because I know it’ll happen soon enough!).

When I truly dream, it’s not just a fleeing thought, it becomes a consuming goal that I hold in my heart and know it will be achieved. Sometimes the dreams may not be in the ways I expect it, but it will happen nonetheless and I am usually happy knowing that my dream became a reality in some shape or form.

why i dream

Through my dreams I am able to meet Christ as I rely on childlike faith for the Father’s helping hand to make the impossible possible. The most tangible example I have is me attending this year’s conference in the Philippines and having fireworks at the end of the Saturday night!

IT HAS BEEN MY DREAM TO HAVE FIREWORKS AT A CONFERENCE!

Quite literally, you can ask anyone I’ve served at an event with for the past few years, I always bring up fireworks! At one point I was going to start a petition, that if I received a certain amount of signatures we would seriously consider having fireworks at an event. I know this may seem like something so trivial, random, bizarre and like a logistical nightmare, but it’s truly something I held in my heart. Fireworks. To celebrate and display joy, another form of art and beauty, freedom of expression and how much more amazing to offer it up to the Lord at an event. This year’s ICON theme was Full Blast, they literally went full blast when they lit up the night sky with bursting colours.

I was simply a child again, jumping up and down, I could not contain myself. Again I was in complete shock. So surreal I questioned if I was really there or having a vivid dream. Literally another dream, years in the making fulfilled. In that moment I knew God not only hears and answers my prayers, but that He loves me so much He is willing to share in my dreams and make them a reality.

timing of dreams

Sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in wanting our prayers answered immediately or within our own timing. I hate to break it to you, and to myself, but it doesn’t work like that. God has His perfect timing for answering our prayers and we must be patient and diligent with it

A leader and friend of mine once shared with me how some people are called to be Moses and others are called to be Joshua. Moses lead the Israelites for years but was not allowed into the promise land. Whereas Joshua, who was the younger appointed succeeding leader, was the one to bring the people into the promise land. In other words, sometimes as leaders we are there to put in the ground work, to plant the seeds and endure a lot of the labour. We also have the privilege of seeing the greater picture to work towards. However, it may not be within our time as leaders or in our particular service role that we see the fruits fully bare. Sometimes we may have to leave before the fruits are able to ripen, but the fruits will be there for someone else to pick and harvest. God uses us in different ways. Sometimes we are able to be like Joshua, to lead the people into the promise land, to pick the ripen fruits. Other times we may have to be like Moses, endure a lot of the labour, to plant the seeds.

Our dreams for our services, our dreams for our brothers and sisters, our dreams for the community, those are the seeds we are called to plant. Do not be afraid to dream big and plant the seeds. Sometimes the bigger the dream (like the seed of a tree) will take longer to bare fruit. However when that dream turns into reality and reaches its full potential, the blessings will reach as far as the branches stretch forth. The fruit bared will be plentiful, beautiful and sweet. Faith will be as deep as the roots that bind to the solid ground.

 

Ad Audendum Imaginatio;

Dare to imagine. Dare to dream.

In Christ,

Meagan Webb