Author: Kaye Baylon

I will have nothing, except You

Sometimes I do good things so that the Lord will bless me. I get excited for the graces I will receive. I get excited for the souls in purgatory I could possibly save. And yes, more selfishly, I get excited that maybe God will grant me all my wishes if I make Him happy. 

But if I am constantly doing things for my own benefit, our faith becomes a job. My focus is on myself instead of where it should be: on our God. It is a constant work in process. A constant goal to be better.

And I pray that one day, if God comes to me and asks, “what reward would you have for your labor?” I can answer the same as St. Thomas Aquinas – “I will have nothing, except You”.

 

Sailing through the storm

A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor
– English proverb

It’s funny. I hear it so many times during talks and shares: there are so many struggles in our service. But the thing is, there isn’t. Most days there aren’t. Most days I am so happy and joyful in my service. But a few days before any large event? Bam. Struggles. Spiritual warfare. Angry words and frustrated texts and sleepless nights.

But what’s beautiful that we continually serve more events. We continually ask for these hardships. As a community we are not content to remain where we are. We strive to grow. We strive to be better. We endure all the hardships thrown at us. We tread the treacherous water, almost drowning, until we reach shore. Because when we reach it, we are better.

It will never be sitting and listening to talks that makes us better leaders. They may inspire us. They may educate us. But if we sit around and do nothing about it, it is useless. It is lost. It is stuck on a ship that never made it to shore. We need to bring the truths we learn to others. And the hardships will bear down on us like waves. But if you fight it? If you choose to sail through the storm? What an amazing sailor you will be.

 

Who am I?

I struggle with my sense of self-worth. I can’t seem to find who I am. I try to walk with confidence and present myself with poise and grace, but inside, I wonder if I am really so important. If I am really worth anything.

In the huge expanse of time and space, I am nothing. I am a mere dot in the immenseness that is the world. I am a sinner. I fall time and time again. Why would God, in all His greatness, choose me? Why would He want me? And why, even after all that failing, after all my sins and hurt I’ve put on Him, why would He still love me?

This sounds like a pessimistic post, but it’s not. It really isn’t. I am nothing. I am a sinner. I fail, all the time. But our God, in all His righteousness and glory, loves me. He loves me. He is the One that lifts me up, every single time. He is the One who finds me, in the midst of all the chaos around me.

And in my times of struggle, Casting Crown lyrics always find their way into my head:

I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean; a vapour in the wind
Still You hear me when I’m calling
Lord, You catch me when I’m falling

And You’ve told me who I am
I am Yours.

My Only Love

My Only Love- Matt Maher

The first time I heard this song I was so taken aback by how much the artist, Matt Maher, understood love. Listen to the words. That love, that relationship he sings about, is everything that anyone could ever want. The love that he sings about is true love.

Anyone who knows me that I can show love, but it’s very hard for me to accept love. I get uncomfortable with it. Sometimes I push it away. But I still want to be loved. We all thirst for a lasting, comfortable, filling love. And we all want someone who will be there for us forever. And this song, it knows. Matt Maher sings with the desire of my heart.

If you didn’t know, this song is a love song from God. It’s about how much He loves us. It’s about His undying, never-failing, constant and true love.

And when you hear it, you can’t help but be in awe of His love. His deep commitment to love each and every one of us, as if there were only one of us to love. We may fail each other a million times. And we may fail our God a million times more than that. But He, our good and righteous God, our loving, redeeming, wonderful Saving Grace, He will never fail us. He will never leave us. He will always, always, always, always, love us. Each and every one of us is His one. His only love.

I still want you
Yes, I need you
To have and to hold you,
After all of these years

I will listen to your problems,
Won’t try to fix them,
Just wipe away your tears

And if you need me in the middle of the night my dear
I’ll stay awake ’til morning light, and chase away your fears

So come closer, right here forever, 
Deep in my heart beat.
Together as one
My only love

And if you need me in the middle of the night, my dear
I’ll stay awake ’til morning light, and chase away your fears

So come closer, right here forever, 
Deep in my heartbeat,
Together as one
My only love

The Still Small Voice

Why do you still want to be a mission volunteer? When I read that question I was taken aback. I thought the answer was obvious:

I don’t know the answer to the question I have been discerning about for the past ten months.
Is God calling me to be a full-time pastoral worker?

My wants for the past seven years was to be a full-time worker. It would be so much easier to say yes. To fulfill my plans and dreams. To think only of myself. I could be in the Philippines now, joyfully partaking in the training with three of my friends. But what I know is that what I want is nothing. What I want, if it is not what God wants, will never make me fully happy.

I get so overwhelmed when I talk about the mission volunteer program. I can feel it now, welling inside my chest, getting stuck in my throat – there are so many words. Every time I have thought about how to best describe this program, tears form in my eyes. And it’s not sadness or fear or anger, or even happiness that drives those tears. It is something greater. I can feel the Holy Spirit filling me, spilling out of me. He cannot simply rest in me alone, He longs to be shared through me to others. I can feel Him.

And that gives me so much faith. The overarching message for this year is “Do whatever He tells you”. And He has not told me if it is His will for me to be a full-time pastoral worker. But our God is mighty and powerful, all-knowing and all-loving. He will never fail me.

So like Elijah, I will search for Him in all places and in all things, but I will wait for His call. And I will be still through the mighty wind, the treacherous earthquakes, and the roaring fires – through the pressures of others, the struggles of my service, and the victories that drive me on – and I will wait for the still small voice of my God. And He will let me know His plan for me in His time. And until then I want to stay in this program, doing His work to the best of my ability. Until He tells me. I will wait.

And he said, “Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the Lord.” And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice” – 1 Kings 19:11-12

Be a Miracle

At the One Conference (a Vancouver Archdiocesan event) this weekend, I went to a workshop called Credible and Authentic Witnesses led by Fr. Chris Lynch. And he said something that really made me think:

When we lack a miracle, we must become that miracle. In the absence of miracles, seek the miracle worker.

You see, I’ve been waiting for a miracle. Right before Christmas doctors found a tumour in my uncle’s brain. And about a month ago he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. He finished radiation to his brain and recently started chemotherapy. It sucks. For everyone. Our families avoid the topic but you can see we are all scared and all frightened and all upset. And I keep praying that he will get better against all odds. I have been begging God for a miracle.

But I don’t know if the miracle I want is in God’s plan for us. However, this quote, this speaker,  reminded me that it isn’t the miracle I seek, it’s God. Ultimately I am calling out for the loving kindness of my Father in Heaven. For His compassion and mercy. And just because my uncle’s cancer doesn’t suddenly disappear doesn’t mean that God isn’t at work. And just because I can’t feel God in this situation doesn’t mean He isn’t ever-present. Maybe God wants to speak through me. So that I may become that beacon of light or strengthening force or comforting servant to my family that I am asking Him to be.

Maybe God is simply calling me to become the miracle.

Be Full

There are so many times when people can’t see God. I know I’m guilty of this – of feeling “spiritually dry”. Being surrounded by other Youth for Christ members who love God and live out their faith makes you feel inadequate sometimes. Listening to speakers speak of God’s love or singers sing of God’s grace – we feel like we have so little to give. And so we pull away, slowly, feeling like we’re unworthy to be spiritually full. And then, because we’ve pulled away, we feel even less full. We feel as though God has left us because we have tried to leave Him.

The silly thing is we are always full of God’s love. We are constantly overflowing with God’s grace and goodness. A puddle can look at a lake and feel dry, and that lake can look at the ocean and feel dry, but they are not dry. We can’t look to others to judge our relationship with God. We can’t look at others and decide that we are less worthy than them to worship our Saviour.

God surrounds us in everything we do. He is constantly overfilling us, and when we turn away that doesn’t mean He stops pouring. God is constant. He will never stop.