Author: Jessica Salunga

This past February I had the opportunity to embark on a journey in the East coast. I’d like to think of it as a ‘Discernment Pilgrimage.’ My journey started in Montreal and then went from Downtown Toronto, to Waterloo, to Cambridge (to attend the SOLI Sisters Come and See), and then finally to Mississauga. Prior to my trip,  I experienced about a 3 month of utter dryness and desolation. However, despite my emotions, I still tried my best to remain faithful to Lord in prayer and actively pursue holiness.

The blessings from this journey are beyond measure. It was such a humbling experience to from the beginning to the end, the Lord has relentlessly pursued me and spoke my soul–giving me answers to the questions I had been so tirelessly searching and listening for. The impact of this journey still deeply resonates within me (and I hope it always will). I am still pondering and unpacking the Lord’s messages to me. One thing that I have been continually pondering since was how the Lord calls us to continually give of ourselves. He depicted this in the image below:

(Lolz.. please excuse my Instagram Screenshot, I wanted to capture the caption as well).
When I had returned home and place that crucifix on my personal altar (it was my souvenir from the St. Joseph’s Oratory in Montreal, QC) it struck me that all the answers I was seeking was spoken for through this depiction of this Holy Cross. Among many answers I received through this moment of clarity, it was quite clear that those 3 months were so dry because the Lord intended to remind me that I should always thirst to drink from the Cup of Salvation.

Since then I began to ponder. I have been in this continual discussion with Christ, asking Him, “Lord, what does it mean to drink out of Your cup of salvation?” What He has revealed to me thus far is that to drink from His cup is the following:
1) We must first empty our own cups. We often pass up opportunities to drink from His cup because our own cups are filled to the brim–sometimes overflowing–with our sin, pride, selfishness, greed, and resent, and
2) We must not only die to ourselves, but also be willing to bleed out of Love for others. This, this is true charity. It is through our willingness to bleed for others that we begin to drink out of the cup of salvation.

This manifestation of charity and outpouring of Love calls us to be both Christ and Mary depicted on the Cross. Like Christ, we too must die out of Love for God and His people–but like Mama Mary, we must also be willing to accept this cup and share it with the world to drink from.

It isn’t too hard to see that the world is thirsting for more. We see it in media, our colleagues, classmates, community members and even our own family members. More often than not, the world (ourselves included) seeks to quench this thirst in all the wrong places. It is then our calling as Christians to offer them the cup of salvation–but first, we must drink for ourselves. We cannot give what we do not have.

What is that Lord is calling you to empty your cup of before you can drink from the cup of salvation?
In what way is the Lord calling you share this cup of salvation with others?

Eternal Father, we offer You the body and blood, soul and Divinity of Your dearly beloved Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, in antonement for our sins and those of the whole World.

Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.
Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us.
St. Faustina, pray for us.
St. Joseph, Pray for us.

Amen.

These past three months have been very difficult for me. I find myself (almost) unbearably dry despite my continuous efforts to seek the Lord. In this experience I realize that it is very easy to allow my emotions to control me, my attitude, and my perception of each situation presented before me.

In this period dryness, the Lord has placed an overwhelming load of responsibilities–and to be honest–I failed miserably. During advent I struggled with juggling everything and I started to feel like I was failing. Frustration soon took over and became the thief of all virtues that I had. I lost my patience (most especially with my counterpart… LAWL.. sorry! Love you!) and was very quick to be harsh and spiteful. I was as grouchy as the grinch. However, come Christmas day, the Lord still made a home in my unworthy heart, and showed me that His joy is constantly overflowing–even in moments of desolation.

But I jumped the gun. I thought that through this realization what would soon follow would be a wellspring of consolation… man, was I ever wrong. Come January, I was quickly thrust back into the reality of my responsibilities with the addition of Regional Leaders Retreat preparation as the event head, all the while I was (and still am) as dry as desert. When I thought I had already reached my limits in the month prior, the Lord stretched me even further. And it hurt. A lot. 

I was frequently tempted to indulge in my emotions–indulge in my tiredness, my anger, my hunger, my pride, and my impatience. To be honest, there were quite a few times where I failed. Terribly. However, I would like to think that the Lord sees this interior battle of giving way for the Holy Spirit to reign in this heart. Looking back now, I realize that each time I humbly died to myself the Holy Spirit had enlarged its territory in my heart. And slowly but surely, the virtue of charity took hold of my heart.

It all makes sense that such is the case. Was it not when the Lord died on the cross that the greatest act of charity, of Love, was manifested? It is in continually choosing to die to thineself that we truly experience what it means to Love more–and this, this is Love.

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more Love” (Blessed Mother Teresa).

Most Sacred Heart of Jesus,
May You continually plead us to willingly give all of ourselves so that we may readily be the vessels of Your love.

Our Lady of Lourdes, pray for us.
Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.
Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us.

“For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain” (PHIL 1:21).

Vulnerable.  I have been feeling extremely vulnerable… and I hate it am honestly so scared. At the risk of sounding a bit over-dramatic (for possibly even this entire blog post… so please spare me of your judgments,) I am afraid of having the Lord be too real with me in this discernment.

Now that the year is coming close to the end, I am now at a point in my discernment where the Lord is challenging me to be specific. If  I desire a specific answer, then I must be specific in my prayer intentions. (Duhh, Jessica!) However, for me… it’s not all that easy. This is because if I am specific with my questions and thus expect a specific answer in return, then what happens if His answer isn’t what I want to hear? That’s what scares me.

I am the type of girl who always has a plan. I have plans A-Z all figured out in my head, and if plans A-Z doesn’t work, that’s ok… because I will always have plans AA-ZZ. If you look in my planner It’s colour coordinated and filled with lists and dates. If there’s at least one thing that I’ve learned this year, it’s that the Lord’s plans are often much different than our own:

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, says the Lord” (Isaiah 55:8).

For the past while I’ve really been unpacking this anxiety and what it stems from. I began to ponder… “If I don’t have all these plans, if I don’t have any self-security, if I don’t have the affirmation I seek from those around me, if I don’t have these worldly things, then what does that make me?” All that kept on repeating in my head was, “vulnerable, vulnerable. No one wants to be vulnerable!”

However, one night I was praying in front of the crucifix in my room. The Lord truly unveiled to me that our posture of surrender must not only be of joy and love, but also vulnerability. As I stared at Jesus nailed to the cross–covered in blood and beaten with a crown of thorns placed on His head–I couldn’t help but ponder just how vulnerable He must have been. In our calling to Love more  the Lord calls us to be vulnerable just as Christ was. I realized that in having both His hands nailed to the cross, His arms were wide open, as if He was preparing Himself to offer His loving embrace and mercy to those who come to the foot of His cross. It is in this encounter that His inexhaustible love and mercy literally pours out for us.

So If I am stripped of these all these plans, these worldly things and this selfish security, then yes, it does make me vulnerable. Even more so, it puts me in a position that ‘I must die to thineself’ on my own cross. But it is in my vulnerability that I become totally Yours and experience the fullness of Your love.

In retrospect, that’s all that should really matter. In all that I say, think, and do–I pray, oh Lord, that it may continually lead me to being totally Yours.

Jesus, King of Mercy, I trust in You.

Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.
Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us.

Amen.

LOL. p.s. sorry… this reflection is a bit old. It took a while to bring myself to share it. I realize now that it should have been shared before advent. But perhaps then the Lord is asking you to prepare yourself to be vulnerable this advent season so that you may experience the fullness of a real relationship with the Lord.

When I saw her come down the stairs, I was happily surprised with the abundance of energy and joy she had. It was my first time seeing her in person since she began her chemo therapy sessions back in July. Before entering the house, I was already aware that she had lost most of her hair this far into her treatment. Myself and a few other sisters were excited to visit her because it had been quite a while since we last met. With the excitement of TNC 2014, SHouTs, and back-to-school adjustments whizzing by, there was lots to catch up on–but more so, we missed her company, her presence.

And there she was, being the wonderful Tita she is, serving us her signature Iced Tea and snacks. She sat before us with a big, warm smile on her face and a toque on her head to keep her warm. We shared many victories and updates among each other. However, she was also very honest with us. She was authentically real in admitting that, sometimes, she can’t help but have those days where it’s a bit more difficult to be happy and joyful than others. But she stressed the importance of not allowing yourself to dwell on your pain, rather allow yourself to go through the motion and unceasingly remain faithful in prayer all the way through. Seek the Lord and you will find Joy in Him alone, and in doing so, His joy will trickle into every aspect of your life.

“Pray without ceasing. In all circumstances give thanks, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5: 17-18).

After leaving her house, I could never forget how radiantly beautiful she looked. I know in my heart that she looked so beautiful because Christ had truly made a worthy dwelling place in her heart as she embraced her cross. She radiated the beauty of Christ so much that she didn’t even appear sick when you looked at her. I couldn’t help but think, ‘Oh, Lord. How beautiful it is when Your daughter allows you to purify her through the cross you bestow upon her.’

I am so humbled to know this sister and have had the honour of serving two beautiful years together in the Campus Based Program for our region. She inspires me to embrace my cross with great poise–with joy, patience, love, and surrender. If there’s at least one thing that you take from this glimpse of her story, I hope it’s this: the cross you bear is the greatest blessing you will ever receive in your life. Though we cannot pick the nature of our own cross, the Lord designs them specifically for us. Like Christ’s journey with his cross, our cross is also our main setting for the greatest Love story .

My Lord and my God, how beautiful it is to struggle with you. I pray that we may always rely on You to embrace and journey with our cross. May we seek in within our own cross as well.
I lift up to you, tonight, my sister, Tita Vangie. Please heal her according to her faith so that she may serve You the way she was created to serve you. Be merciful, oh Lord, and heal her of this cancer.
All praise and glory is yours, Lord.

Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.
Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us.

I’ve always wondered why The Presentation of Our Lord  is one of the Joyful Mysteries. It never made sense to me how Mama Mary remained so joyful when she received the prophecy from Simeon. He explained to her that:

. . . this child is destined for the falling and the rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be opposed so that the inner thoughts of many will be revealed—and a sword will pierce your own soul too (Luke 2:34-35).

In fact, the prophecy of Simeon is actually one of the Seven Sorrows of Mary. How could this moment be both joyful AND sorrowful at the same time? It was in this moment that Mama Mary caught a glimpse of the weight of her own cross, the cross of obediently surrendering of her only son for the salvation of humanity… the very cross that will pierce her own soul. 

Perhaps her joy was in the act of letting go. She must have understood that in letting her Son go, she not only entrusted Jesus to the Father but her own soul to Him as well. By surrendering her life to the Father, she made way for her unwaivering faith to grow all the more. And–if you really think about it–what did she really have to lose in placing all of her trust in a faithful and loving God? In her obedience and trust, she allowed herself to experience the fullness of God’s plan in her life. She experienced the Lord’s eternal mercy pour out of her pierced heart, leading her to witness the Lord’s love conquer her life.

As I reflect on my own life, there is no doubt that Lord is asking me to surrender myself to Him. He asks the same of all of us, actually. Most of the time I blind myself from the blessings to come because I am too focused on what he asks of me to give up. I can’t help but ask myself, ‘Jess, what is the posture of your surrender?’ However, there are four messages from the Lord that still resonate loud clear from our past MV Shout, one of which is this:

“Let go of this so I can show you more.“

Mama Mary, please pray for us. Show us how to be obedient to the Lord’s call just as you were because of your unwaivering faith. May you continually pull our hand so that  we may meet Christ at the foot of His of cross and experience the Lord’s never ending blessings.

Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.
Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us.

AMDG.

I find it very hard to open up to people. Sometimes the mere thought of it makes me cringe. There are several things that I prefer insist that I keep to myself. In all honesty, there are a lot of instances in my life that make me think that I get along with brothers more than I do with sisters, making me like ‘one of the bros’ even if it is unintended. I realize that this mindset is usually the root of what gets me into trouble. I say this because I am a sister and there are some things that you just can’t talk to brothers about and vice versa. Furthermore, I am a sister–thus I must carry myself and seek to be treated like a sister.

Jaded by rejection, betrayal, disappointment, and hurt… I used to be very weary and skeptical of the bond between sisters and questioned if the sisterhood before me was a blessing. The consequence of this was that I closed myself off to the sisters around me, keeping to myself about my struggles and seeking affirmation/consolation elsewhere. I would tell myself that this was surely the best way to avoid creating minimize problems in my life and everyone else’s around me, but the reality was that my prideful self didn’t want to face the honest correction from my sisters (even if I thought it could have been delivered just a little more loving and gentle at times). I am unbelievably hard-headed… seriously hard-headed… and looking back, I don’t blame some of the sisters for losing their patience with me.

Haha… but praise God! the Lord still continues to work in my life despite how hard-headed I am and whatever else has happened to me. Over the years the Lord slowly instilled within me a deep appreciation and love for my sisters as He continues to heal and transform the relationships in my life. I was affirmed of this last Tuesday during our upper household. Building off of our session for the night, one of our activities was to have a little one-on-one discussion with the sister we were assigned to. We were told to share with each other the temptations and sins we constantly struggle with, and then come up with a plan of how to keep each other accountable. And I froze. My pride within me kept on saying that this wouldn’t be a good idea and this general area of my life could not be trusted with anyone else but myself. (See? There’s that problem again) Thankfully, our God is a persistent God. I was so humbled by my fellow sister’s sharing that the Lord got through this hard head of mine and opened me up. Best decision i’ve made thus far. Had I decided to do this earlier in my life, I probably would have saved myself a lot of heart ache and trouble.

This was an eye-opening experience for me. I realized that this is one of the ways Satan traps us in the cycle of Sin. He tells us to hide in the darkness of our sin and shame and mask it with our pride. He knows that the best time to attack us is when we are complacent, when we are isolated, when we are vulnerable. The last thing he wants is for us to reach out and ask for help or intercessions.

To struggle with the Lord is beautiful, but to struggle with the Lord alongside your brothers and sisters is beyond beautiful. This is the type of beauty  that the Lord intended for Sisterhood/Brotherhood within our community. Granted, I will be completely honest… it will NOT be a perfect and hurt free. There will be countless moments where we will disappoint and hurt each other. But these are moments are all the more beautiful–if not, more–because they are opportunities for the Lord to work among us.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Amen.