Author: Jesse Roca

A few days ago my manager called me over and mentioned that she has been looking all over the store specifically for me. She then brought me to a deaf customer who needed some help learning how to send e-mails from her iPad. In our exchange this deaf woman communicated to me that her kids bought her this iPad so that they could video chat and email each other since her son lives in Australia and her daughter lives in Hungary. She was alone at the store, but at the end of our interaction she thanked me and gave me the biggest and most genuine smile I’ve seen in a while, because she now had hope and confidence in being able to reach her kids.

Every single day the Lord brings me to the verge of tears by exposing me to simple situations that hold so much emotional value. He is specific in what He wants me to witness.

—

Over the past few months I’ve been preparing my heart for the possibility of leaving. Whenever I think about it my heart races.

The thought of being alone, the thought of not knowing where I am, the thought of not knowing where I’ll be tomorrow… is scary. But then I think to myself that comfort is only one tiny piece of what I’m capable of experiencing in the entirety of my human experience.

I think that to be fully human is to allow oneself to experience a wide range of joy, love, loss, fear, agony, loneliness… and hope. So why then would I put at stake my experience of being fully human just for a life of comfortably?

I’m going to leave. One way or another.

There is a greater breadth of emotion that awaits us if we let the Lord lead us to the verge of what we think we know about ourselves.

Jesse R.
“I Am, and We are Missionaries”

It’s been 8 months and 12 days since I submitted my application for the Mission Volunteer Program, and while that may seem like a long time, it can be seen as a singular moment in the non-linear perception of time that our God possesses.

God transforms. Moments at a time.

This past weekend I was blessed with the opportunity to serve at the first-ever North American Leaders Summit for CFC-Youth Canada and America, and although I experienced God in a very real sense throughout the weekend, I felt as though there was something preventing me from fully experiencing His grace.

—

I’m currently sitting in a Blenz Coffee in Surrey Central City, and just a few moments ago an elderly man with alzheimer’s approached me and asked if he could sit down next to me. What proceeded was a conversation where he detailed key moments in his life where he experienced challenges. His son being gay, his drug addictions, his wife taking charge of the family due to his complacency, his multiple mental illnesses, etc. What’s amazing is that after he was done sharing he asked me, “Is there anything I can do for you?” At that moment I was about to break down and cry because this man who could barely remember my name knew exactly what I needed, to be taken care of.

—

Back home in Montréal I’ve been the oldest CFC-Youth member for years now. I served as the Area Head for 4 and a half years, and the entire time I felt as though every misstep was my fault since I was supposed to be a strong brother. I felt responsible for every single leader and member, and at times my concern would prevent me from experiencing God’s grace even in the successes we had. One of my deepest desires as a leader, which was instilled by former Montréal based Full-Time Pastoral Worker Arnold Rodriguez, was that men have the amazing ability to be the ones to lead sisters to Heaven.

The photo above was taken on the Friday night of the NALS. Pictured are all the delegates from the Canadien Region of Montréal and Ottawa; Chrisann Alvarez, Aren Jancinal, Brinely Jimenez, Ellish Maigue-Talacca, Alyssa Pambuan and Ellen Maigue-Talacca. That’s me in the middle. Being surrounded by sisters I can’t help but feel so blessed to have be given the chance to care for them and their safety. This is the same mentality that I apply to my region, but sometimes in the stress of it all, I felt alone.

I have a family that cares and loves me.
I’m blessed with an amazing girlfriend that cares and loves me.
The Lord has given me a great sense of community back home in Montréal.

But I’m my stubbornness I sometimes fail to recognize how I am being cared for, and it’s led me to doubt my anointing as a leader at times. I’d like to apologize to the Core Group of Montréal for not coming to you when I needed you, and for failing to see how you’ve taken care of me.

—

For the past 8 months and 12 days I’ve been praying that God might send me a way to feel comforted in my loneliness. I travelled to Toronto, Windsor, Michigan, Vancouver, Seattle, Whistler and New York in this ever extending moment in search of an answer, but I never found what I was looking for.

God decided to reveal Himself to me at the NALS. He found me where I was.

The photo above is myself alongside 3 fellow MV’s from the Metro Region; Thea Lape, Nica Agregado and Mier Rivera. Again, that’s me in the middle. These 3 sisters have played an important role in my life as an MV ever since we spent a week cooped up in a house together last June. To be blunt, these sisters are insane, but in a very good way. They push and challenge me to pray, to be better and maybe without even knowing it, they take care of me. In the photo I’m not smiling, but my message to these sisters is to know that in that moment, my heart was smiling.

I don’t know exactly how, but God managed to put together exactly the right circumstances for my stubbornness to be broken during this NALS through these sisters. They drove me around, they made me laugh, they made me smile and it was all out of a selfless desire to allow me to experience God.

I now know that likewise, sisters can be the ones to lead me to Heaven.
Praise God.

This is what I take back home to my region.
This is what I take back home to my family.
This is what I take back home to my Hannah.

I feel like I’m ready to lead again.
And at this moment, this is me at my most vulnerable.

Jesse R.
“I Am, and We are Missionaries”

My name is Jesse, which in hebrew means “God Exists”. This is actually appropriate since I’ve grown in my faith to be a very skeptical individual. This is not to say that I questions the existence of God, in fact I’m confident in how the Lord has blessed me with a firm, intellectual understanding of Him, but rather I’m skeptical in the truth that is presented to me since as humans we’re limited by perception.

—

A fellow MV, Théa Lape reminded me a few weeks ago that sometimes God reveals himself very literally in our lives. At times this direct approach has me second guessing whether or not it is a message from the Lord, or whether or not it’s my psyche assigning meaning to an otherwise meaningless event or occurrence in my life. This has caused me to overlook many straightforward revelations from the Lord over the course of my 26 years in existence.

Lesson learned. When the Lord speaks, listen.

I think that it’s normal to seek meaning in how the Lord unveils Himself to us, and I think a healthy level of skepticism is what allows us to find intention in acts of God.

My name is Jesse.
What will be my David?

As the MV program continues, I’m forced to re-evaluate the state and purity of my desires. Desires to go full-time, desires to have a family, desires to lead a life for the Lord. If I take literally what the Lord has exposed me to over the past 7 months as an MV, then I know that His intention for me will be made known.

My name is Jesse, and I’m confident that the Lord will place my David in community, whether that be figurative or literal.

Jesse R.
“I Am, and We are Missionaries”

Depanneurs, corner stores, bodegas, you’ll find them abundantly scattered in large cities. What’s noteworthy is that although these shops are self-contained and so insignificant in the larger scope of things, they remain united in their desperate cry for attention and relevance.

—

I’m the type of person who likes to fly under the radar, I like to be overlooked. So it’s no surprise that I love going to New York City, where I become as insignificant as a spec of dust. I was in NYC about a week ago, and in my travels I witnessed so many individuals who were craving attention, but ultimately what are they crying out for?

I find comfort knowing that even in crowded spaces, I can still manage to experience isolated moments of God’s grace. I’ve compiled select photos I managed to take while in NYC to reflect our constant desire to have God to find us where we are.

 

…

…

…

Stand out, once more unto the breach.

Jesse R.
“I Am, and We are Missionaries”

In the east the sun rises

I’m a cryer.

At eTNC Jesus Expo when Eastern CFC-Youth Canada witnessed the Rodriguez family on stage to display their water into wine experience, I was brought to tears.

It seems to be that in moments of extreme natural beauty my emotions are overwhelmed which allows me and my lovely brain to temporarily bypass my usual management of emotions.

—

I spent the last 8 days in Vancouver with Montréal’s Area Head/travel buddy, John Magtibay and my fellow Canadien MV/significant other of 8+ years, Hannah Pambuan. Originally this trip was supposed to be a solo affair because I was temporarily relocated to a Vancouver branch for work, but praise God that I was blessed with loving companions.

In a random turn of events, the three of us ended up being lucky enough to make day trips to Seattle as well as Whistler during the week with another fellow MV/#bestfriend, Nica Agregado. At the peak of Whistler Mountain I met God.

Normally, the emotional side of me would’ve taken time to slow down and just soak in the natural beauty around me, but while on top of Whistler Mountain we were pressed for time and busy taking loads of pictures, and so… sadly, I wasn’t able to cry.

After our adventure on Whistler Mountain, John, Hannah and myself took a very literal plunge and went bungee jumping. John went first, Hannah went second, and finally it was my turn. As the bungee instructor counted backwards… three, two, one, I jumped on cue with no hesitation.

I think I’m desperate to experience the Lord.

—

As we were driving south back to Surrey on highway 1, John, Nica and Hannah were in a constant state of awe from the view that was presented to the west. The setting sun was still peeking through the mountains, which caused an amazing contrast of shadow and light. As the driver I only caught glimpses of this natural wonder that occurs daily on the west coast, but it was enough to make me shed a single tear.

There’s something special about the way the sun sets in the west, it does so gradually and beautifully, until it reaches it’s natural end.

In the west the sun sets.

Special thanks to the Aguilar family. You guys represent the beauty of our community.

– Jesse R.
“I Am, and We are Missionaries”

There’s a -3 hour time difference from EDT to PDT. I’ve been in Vancouver for 5 days now, and I’ve stubbornly refused to adjust the time on my Casio A158W to properly reflect where I am.

—

POLARIS

The North Star has at times been given, falesly I might add, the title of the brightest start in the night sky. And while it does hold the title of the star that sits firmly above the northern axis of the earth, which is consequently the location of True North, it isn’t always easy to find.

For the past 2 days in Vancouver I’ve been on the hunt to buy a legit compass. I want to buy one and carry it with me everywhere for the obvious practical benefit of being able to find my way, but in a truly pretentious desire, I want it to also serve as a symbol of my own inability to point to what is objectively good, without the proper declination.

A compass’ only value is to point towards magnetic north, and without the knowledge of one’s own personal declination based on where they are in the world (I’m speaking philosophically of course), then a person will be doomed to being truly lost in the world.

I’m on the hunt to find my declination, only then will I be confident to become lost in the Lord.

– Jesse R.
“I Am, and We are Missionaries”

When I was younger, my older sister, my older brother and myself were allergic to peanut butter, so my dad always kept it hidden and out of reach. My brother and I were both stubborn kids, so we’d sometimes climb the countertop, open up the cabinet and treat ourselves to a nice serving of peanut butter fingers (that’s where you scoop up peanut butter with your fingers and eat it). We knew it was wrong and that it would be bad for us, but we willingly accepted the consequences.

As I grew up, and coincidentally when I was tall enough to reach the peanut butter without climbing the counter, my allergy seemed to have left me. I was free to eat peanut butter, but for the sake of my brother and sister, my dad still kept it tucked away. Eventually, my brothers allergy to peanut butter seemed to fade, and so, it was only my older sister who suffered the allergy.

Earlier this year, my sister moved out into a place of her own, and so I thought that my dad would take the peanut butter and place it in its rightful place in the pantry, but he never did.

—

Last night I ate a peanut butter sandwich, and just as I’ve been doing for my entire life, I had to go to the lonely corner of my kitchen, open up the cabinet and reach to the highest shelf to get what I wanted.

In my fathers house, the way he cares for one, is how he cares for us all.

– Jesse R.
“I Am, and We are Missionaries”