Author: Jesse Roca

“That’s one of the great things about music. You can sing a song to 85,000 people and they’ll sing it back for 85,000 different reasons.” – Dave Grohl, lead singer for Foo Fighters.

I currently own a Mexican made Fender Telecaster, it has a black glossy finish and a white pick-guard. The knob on the pickup selector has gone loose and falls off every now and then which usually causes a panic as I look around trying to find it. Up until a few weeks ago the only amp I owned was a tiny 15-watt Peavey Blazer 158, which has served me well over the years as a practice amp. The amp is old and beaten up, so sometimes I need to give it a kick for the wiring to fall into place, otherwise the amp would fall short of its one and only purpose.

I’m now the proud owner of a 50-watt Vox AD50VT, and man does it scream.

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A few weeks ago I was helping out at the Regional Youth Conference here in Montreal. I try my best to never go into an event having any expectations on how the Lord will reveal Himself to me, and this RYC was no exception.

I was asked to help out with the morning setup, the Awake Fair photo booth, and to be responsible for posting to the the cfcyouthcanada Instagram feed.

I did my duties.

During the time slot for competitions the main hall was empty, so naturally I, having a long history and current desire to serve for music min, picked up the lead guitarists Fender Stratocaster (without permission… sorry Raphael!). I turned on my Vox AD50VT — which was being used for RYC — set the output to about 45-watts, selected the UK Modern amp model with a ridiculous amount of gain, and just went to town.

Within minutes two brothers from Montreal, Jon Eric and Gio, picked up the bass and drums respectively and started to jam with me. It had been so long since the last time the three of us played together in that capacity, and there was just something so right and so raw about how it played out.

Tone & timbre was on point.

The Lord chose to speak to me speak to me in very specific way during that mini jam-session, He affirmed in me that our desires will always lead us back to Him. And although Jon Eric, Gio and I may have been reciprocating our love back to God musically for different reasons, we were — the three of us — playing the same song.

Jesse R.
“I Am, and We are Missionaries”

There exists an emo band called Dashboard Confessional, who’s name is derived from an idea found in an early song of theirs titled “Sharp Hint of New Tears”, in which the lead vocalist opens the song with the line, “on the way home, this car hears my confessions.”

I listened to this band a lot as a teenager, alone in my room, music blasting through my headphones, which I think was pretty normal and appropriate for my age at the time. But I honestly never expected the figurative idea of a dashboard confessional to be capable of revealing things in me that have become true and relevant with age.

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I’m not quite sure how this happened, but when I look back at intimate one one one moments I’ve shared with loved ones, a lot of the times it was while we were on the road or just parked in a car. I’ve broken down emotionally with my old counterparts, argued with my significant other, shared secrets and prayer requests with good friends, all of which has led me to the realization that when I’m experiencing extreme vulnerability, good or bad, I’m hard for me to look at people eye to eye. I guess sometimes we don’t want to face who we are, much less face who we are in the eyes of others.

Sitting side by side in the front seat of a car has allowed me the benefit of bearing who I am without the fear of judgemental stares, but I’ll admit that it’s kind of been a cop-out. Am I really being held accountable to the person next to me? Or am I simply using them as an object to express my victories, failures and desires?

I don’t regret the way I’ve shared myself with others in the past, but I feel that the Lord is asking me to share myself with my loved ones in an even more intimate way. Every car ride and every conversation has been a step that has led me to this place. My life isn’t just for me, I’ve been placed delicately in the hands of those around me, it’s time that I take that to heart.

I’ll still value my dashboard confessionals, but if only I re-tool, staring down the road ahead, meeting the Lord eye to eye, on my way home.

– Jesse R.
“I Am, and We are Missionaries.”

The following is a previously unpublished personal reflection from ALMIGHTY Conference 2012.

Brothers and sisters, this True North Conference placed me directly in the presence of the ALMIGHTY. He spoke to me through my collective conference experiences, but He also spoke directly to who I was, who I am and who I will be as a servant. Conference for me this year was a test of my posture in service. It was a test of the so called YES I’ve given to the Lord. It was a test of my willingness to sacrifice. This conference revealed to me that our Lord does not call us to mission when we are most capable, but rather when we are at our weakest and most desperate for Him. I believe brother and sisters, that with this posture, we can be made ready to magnify the Lord.

Let me begin by detailing some fun facts about me that will help you better understand my reflection. My name is Jesse Roca and I’m 24 years old. I’ve been in the community of CFC-Youth for 10 years, and I’ve served as the Area Head of Montréal for the last 4. My girlfriend of 7 years is the beautiful Hannah Pambuan, who I met and fell in love with in this community. Some of you may recognize her name because she’s the sole Mission Volunteer from the Canadien (previously Atlantic) Region. I have a knee condition that’s plagued me most of my life, which makes it very painful to kneel. I also suffer from terrible back pain which is caused mostly by my poor physical posture, lack of exercise and my generally unhealthily lifestyle. I tend to ramble on and on when I give sharings or when I reflect, so I apologize in advance for the length of my reflection and also for any run-on sentences. Here we go, I hope you all get something out of it.

When the theme of this years conference was first announced, I had no idea what God had planned to reveal to me in a short period of 3 days. If RYC’s theme of Dominus Est was about discovery and journeying to find the Lord, what then would my posture be once I was actually standing in the presence of the ALMIGHTY? Early on I convinced myself that I would have a response that’s strong, firm and calm. I was so certain that when I stood before Him I would be overwhelmed by His power, and I would have no other choice than to completely surrender to Him by my own will. This is the attitude I had going into the conference. I was sure it would happen this way. I was satisfied with my prediction.

During conference preparations I was asked to serve as a photographer for the Documentation Team. I happily accepted and was anxious to serve through witnessing and capturing Jesus moments, but I knew this meant that at certain times I would need to separate myself from the conference in order to stay focused on my role of getting great shots. I thought to myself that throughout conference I would still allow myself to feel the Lord during sessions and worships, but if I saw the opportunity for a good photo I would have to forgo my own desire to satisfy my spiritual needs for the sake of documenting the conference well. I was prepared to serve.

Friday night of conference I found myself running around like a crazy person. I would kneel, contort my body, crouch, sprint through the back hallways, wedge myself in-between the stages and much more. All of this just to get the right angle for a shot. That night was basically the equivalent of an intense workout for me, which included hundreds of squats. My body felt it instantly, and I was worried of how well I would be able function for the 2 remaining days of conference. I had already endured a 42 hour bus ride to Winnipeg, throughout which my movement was limited which stiffened most of my muscles, but even with exhaustion and pain, I was still joyful in service. For I was able to meet extremely talented brothers and sisters in the Documentation Team, and I was thrilled to see how strong CFC-Youth Canada had become since the last national conference in 2010.

Session 1: The Splendor of an ALMIGHTY King, started with a bang, and Hannah gave a sharing detailing her journey in discernment for the Mission Volunteer program. She shared how her father had passed away when she was young, and how God then gave her this community to experience His love in another way. She had grown into a strong woman of faith over the years, and through His grace she was able to see His purpose for her in this community. Her YES is a perfect example of a willing sacrifice, because she knows full well what it means to offer her life for the call to mission. I am so privileged to have her in my life.

Saturday morning when I woke up I could feel that my body was completely destroyed. My back, knees, thighs, quadriceps and calves all ached tremendously. I was even experiencing muscle spasms in my left hand and shoulder. I was almost at my weakest, but I kept going. What kept me motivated throughout the day was the fact that after Session 3, I would be meeting Jesus in adoration. I knew that my reflection of the theme would depend on that single moment, standing before the Lord. I knew that my spiritual response would be formed at that time, and that it would serve as the peak for my mountaintop experience.

Session 2: Man of Action, worked in deeply moving ways. It put forth a great message, and had a huge impact on the audience because of the incredible sharings. But it was at this point in conference that I noticed something strange. I felt as though something was missing. Yes I was hearing the sessions, I was soaking in the message, I was offering myself in the worships, I was attentive during the workshops, but I realized I wasn’t experiencing God fully in everything that I did. I think at times I just felt like a photographer, not a servant. After all, I did have to separate myself to try to get those great shots, and so I ended up playing off the strange feeling I had as a consequence of being dedicated to my service role. I told myself I’d fight through my selfish need to feel spiritually satisfied. I felt alone however, and I thought I could get myself through it.

As soon as Session 2 was over, I ran back to the main hall to get my camera set up for Session 3. To my surprise, Jesus was already presented in the monstrance at the main hall. Adoration had been pushed to an earlier time. I stood there shocked for a few seconds. My mind was racing, this was the moment I had been waiting for the entire conference. As I stood there I saw other brothers entering the room, each bowing and kneeling before the monstrance. I then realized that in my confusion I had completely ignored our Lord Jesus. I cursed myself immediately. This is what I was preparing myself for the entire conference, and I blew it. Shocked by my own ignorance I continued doing nothing, but then I saw someone approach me. It was Karella, a sister from the Metro Region I’ve come to admire for her passion and willingness to serve. She walked up to me and said, “don’t worry about anything, just pray.” At that time, I put my camera down, thanked the Lord for the beautiful and faithful sisters in my life, and proceeded to kneel down on the hard surface of the venue floor. Immediately, from my knees up, shot an intense pain that caused my whole body to tremble. I laughed, because in my preparations I thought I’d be strong, firm and calm before the Lord, but it turns out He had something else in mind. The whole conference He was preparing me to tremble before Him. He made me weak. He made me need Him even more. He made me desperate. With my knee condition, my weak back, my lack of sleep and my general unhealthiness, the Lord called me to be at my weakest and most desperate before Him in adoration. This moment, brothers and sisters, is when God spoke to me.

My body was ready to fail. So what did God do? He broke me even more. He spoke the words ‘Mission Volunteer’ to me. Two words that scared me. They spelt sacrifice. At my weakest, it seemed as if was God asking even more from me. However, I kept on refusing to hear what He was saying. But then God did something unexpected to catch my attention. He reminded me of my relationship with Hannah, and in that moment I knew He was allowing her YES to show to me how to love, how to sacrifice. God forced my hand. When the Mission Volunteer program first rolled out I wasn’t willing to offer my life for the call, but now, I had to be willing to let Hannah go, I had to be able to sacrifice the woman I love, in order for her to accept His call. If she’s called to mission in other regions of Canada, I’ll support her. If she’s called to mission in Africa, I’ll support her. I’ll wait, because I know that God will be preparing both of our hearts until we’re ready to mission together in marriage. God taught me to sacrifice, not in any way I expected, but who knows where this posture will lead me. And after God revealed all of this to me, I looked up, knelt up straight, pulled my shoulders back, put my chest out and met eyes with our God in hope. I had reached the peak.

So brothers and sisters, after kneeling and trembling before the ALMIGHTY at this True North Conference, I see that He is calling each and every one of us by name to sacrifice for the mission. In His presence he is asking us to be weak and desperate, and yet to somehow offer even more of ourselves. He is asking us to surrender not by our own accord, but by His will. In doing so, we allow Him to correct our posture, so that we may be built up for one shared purpose.

Our purpose, brothers and sisters, is to magnify the Lord.

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As some of you may know, the Mission Volunteers had a Summer House Training for one week as soon as the ALMIGHTY conference finished. And tonight as I finish writing this reflection I had my first opportunity to FaceTime with Hannah in one whole week. Brothers and sisters, I teared as soon as I saw her face. Her sacrifice becomes my sacrifice. A sacrifice I willingly offer to the Lord. Through this whole experience I see that God has been breaking me, molding me to have a posture made for mission. I’m not sure what this means for my future, and my role in this community, but I know that if God calls me, it will be harder to ignore Him this time around.

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– Jesse R.
Canadien Region
“I am, and We are Missionaries…
… Our mission is to love, and love is all You left us with.”

In the live recording of the song “I Never Knew You” the artist starts with an opening monologue – of sorts – in order to properly set the context for the upcoming song in which he asks, “why do we forget things?” Although the artist is speaking and singing within the frame of romance, he somehow manages to touch on a very real part of our shared existence.

“What is it about our humanness where we forget? We remember, we forget, we remember, we forget… and I think it’s just for the opportunity of enlightenment, the opportunity to awaken again and again and again, because it feels good… it feels good to remember our greatness.” – Jason Mraz

I think that ultimately, the way we express our natural inclination to outwardly reciprocate God’s love towards others – whether platonic or romantic – can be telling of the types of relationships we value.

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I’ve never really been one to journal, I never saw the point. I was the type of person who would fall on the flawed but lazily justifiable logic that whatever doesn’t stick with me in memory is just something that I can re-discover, and thus re-awaken to the revelation that it offers.

Basically I was satisfied being stuck in a loop, due to my horrible memory.

I was a Mission Volunteer in CFC-Youth for the better part of a year, and now that I’ve reprised the role in SFC, I feel that the Lord asking me not to simply re-live the experience with a different filter, but He’s calling and beckoning me to experience this community in ways that I was not open to in the past.

Remember, forget, repeat… if only to move forward bearing in mind the greatness of God in you, me and us.

Lord, I would love the chance to love You, like I’ve never known You.

– Jesse R.
” I Am, and We are Missionaries”

What do I deserve?
Let me begin at the end.

Over the next few days I’ll be preparing to move on from CFC-Youth and the Mission Volunteer Program in order to fully transition into the SFC ministry. My time as an MV has enriched my life, but rather than making the rather narrow minded claim that it was simply time well spent — ‘spent’ inferring that one’s time is to be treated like currency… that to which I would strongly disagree — I’ll say that it will remain for me, a time treasured.

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Deserve

I’ve been fixated on this word for the past few months now. There’s an incessant struggle on the battlefield of my inner monologue focused on the relation between what I feel I deserve, and what I desire in life. Can they be one and the same? Or is my human nature causing the former to be a selfish and deluded manifestation of the latter? Whatever the answer, there is a clear and very real conflict that stirs my heart when discerning where the Lord is asking me to be. The only solace I take joy from —  which I’ll admit is a rather contradicting idea — is that a life without conflict would be severely lacking if it were lent to produce an interesting narrative. So at least my life isn’t boring :p.

The Lord deserves excellence, that much has been made clear to me in this community by witnessing the youth in a perpetual chase of greater aspirations. I however, am a failure by every possible worldly definition, my academic history alone can attest to that. Heck, even in my own loosely defined meaning of success — which at times I use to justify my inability to act — do I consider myself to be a failure. Yet hidden somewhere in the collection of moments that results in my life — which contain both successes and missteps — is a silver lining, in that the Lord will always find success in me expressed through hope. Hope for a future with Him.

The Lord has blessed me richly, but in all honesty I’m still kind of a train-wreck. Most people don’t see it since I have the reputation of being calm and even, perhaps to a fault, stoic. But I know that in my reflections the Lord has continually asked me to be an open book of sorts in order to persuade revelation in others to see that it’s ok to be lost in desire, if only it results in finding the Lord.

Truthfully, I am a man deeply rooted in desire. I wanted so desperately to become a Full-Time Pastoral Worker for CFC-Youth Canada, but even in processing ongoing feelings of unworthiness and rejection, God still managed to quietly transform me into a missionary. Whatever form this takes over the next period of my life is still yet to be determined, but I am joyful in the fact that I was given the opportunity to experience life as an MV. So for those thinking of applying to the program, know that if you truly desire a life of mission, I implore you to apply for MV and the Lord will make it so.

I’ve learned that my life is not tied down to my own plans or expectations, but rather, the result of who I am today is due to a combination of loving acts by those who love me, and my own personal attempts to reach holiness. As an MV I had people who loved me, who prayed and interceded for me, people who I basically allowed to have a hand in my life narrative. This led to the truest and most beautiful representation of the joys found in community life that I’ve ever experienced. It’s through the relationships that I’ve held dear in this program that the Lord revealed to me that in order to trust Him fully and without hesitation I needed to lovingly accept the vision that others have crafted so delicately for me. Praise God for relationships.

Exposition and exploration of desire is a crossroads that ultimately leads to nowhere but in the Lord.

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The Lord somehow managed to masterfully design a journey for me where my desires led to my concept on what I deserve to be changed.

Objectively, the very idea of being deserved of anything is subject to a a selfish undertone.
Objectively, no one deserves anything!!! (Which is my subjective opinion :p)
BUT the Lord left us with a promise, one which I firmly believe He’ll deliver on.

So whether my thoughts and prayers over the past few months were rational or irrational, logical or illogical, true or misguided, the Lord found me where I was, took my hand, and led me to this place of peace.

So what do I deserve?
I deserve ABSOLUTELY nothing, but I will nonetheless be given the best in love.

— — —

On a final note, after re-reading all of my blogs thus far, I’ll be the first to admit that my relationship with God and the way in which I choose to love Him is sometimes leaning too heavily on the intellectual and rational side. But a former MV now turned seminarian, Kris Gardiner, once suggested for me to love the Lord the same way I love my girlfriend/fellow MV Hannah Pambuan, that is… with my heart.

And so, I will love the Lord with my heart,
I will love the mission as I love the Lord,
I will love Hannah as I love the mission.
That is… with my heart.

Praise God for the gift of mission. Mission leads to God’s perfect plan for the family. So here at the end of all things do I stand with great joy supporting the mission in whatever capacity the Lord asks of me, undeservedly so.

– Jesse R.
“I Am, and We are Missionaries”

P.S. Words are fickle, so speak with intention. Whatever the result, know in confidence that it comes from The Lord.

P.P.S. This is as much for me, as it is for you 🙂

Historically I’ve been a person with a crazy schedule who would be out of the house all day every single day. This type of lifestyle exposed me to many types of situations in which the Lord would reveal a portion of His beautiful creation, that is essentially existence itself, to me through a seemingly infinite number of ways.

He would reveal to me amazing scenes witnessed in coffee shops.
He would reveal to me breathtaking views as I would stroll around the city.
He would reveal to me the preciousness and value in each living thing through an interaction with an elderly customer.

Lately I’ve been on a strict budget so I’ve been finding myself staying in more often than not. My view of the world has then been limited to my house and what my eyes can reach by looking out through any of my windows.

This is my current circumstance.

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It’s important for me to believe that any individual, no matter what their circumstance is, can be a witness to an infinite number of alluring scenes in which they are able to experience God’s greatness.

Tomorrow after work I’ll head home and stay in, trusting that God will reveal Himself to me just by staring at the decidedly unremarkable dynamic range of the whites found on my ceiling.

Jesse R.
“I Am, and We are Missionaries”

One my my very first classes in post-secondary education was an english literature class at Dawson College-it was a class focused on Dante’s Inferno. My professor was a dramatic guy, so usually after each paragraph or so he would stop the class completely and yell, “What a scene!” He did this to help us appreciate the drama of what we just read together, and because of him I’ve learned to slow down, stop, and appreciate what I’m blessed enough to witness.

Sometimes it’s so easy to let moments slip by. Routine and repetition makes the novelty of what we do day by day wear off quickly. Something that once amazed us can now pass us by without phasing us in the slightest.

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These are some of today’s events.

My girlfriend went out of her way to buy me a delicious chicken sandwich because she knew I had a terrible lunch and was craving something to satisfy my hunger. She handed it to me as if it was no big deal.
What a scene.

My fellow MV Apple Lacbay stopped to speak to a homeless man who actually remembered her name even though the last time they spoke was weeks ago. This happened on Concordia University’s campus, which is where this man had graduated years ago.
What a scene.

Today, babies were born.
What a scene that must’ve been.

Today, people died.
What a sad scene.

Somewhere out there, a father was teaching his son how to ride a bike.
What a heartfelt scene.

Somewhere out there, a husband was abusing his wife.
What an unfortunate scene, but a scene nonetheless.

Dante went through in hell in a very literal sense. Some of us are meant to grow by witnessing acts of extreme compassion and beauty. Others are still yet blessed even through witnessing tragedies and heartbreak. In this community, I feel as if we’re called to create moments that fall in the latter.

The next time I witness a brother lead worship I will stop and say, “What a scene!”
The next time I see a member donate to ANCOP I will stop and say, “What a scene!”
The next time I see a couple coordinator walk into the room with their children I will stop and say, “What a scene!”
The next time I see a sister on her knees deep in prayer I will stop and say, “What a scene!”
The next time I see a full-time pastoral worker see their family after months of being separated I will stop and say, “What a scene!”

The next time the Lord calls me to leave behind what I’m doing for something greater I will stop and say, “Thank you Lord, for this scene.”

Jesse R.
“I Am, and We are Missionaries”