Author: Genifer Rigor

Immersion

Those who know me well will know that I am afraid of more things than are necessary. Nearly every situation in life I find myself defaulting to anxiety. In keeping with this tendency, my recent ANCOP immersion in the Philippines was nothing short of a litany of fears made manifest.

Among many things, I was afraid of the cultural differences and the language barrier. I was disquieted by the prospect of having to do and eat things that I would not ordinarily have to, and to live in conditions that were foreign to me in every sense of the word. I knew for certain that the Lord was specifically and intentionally heightening my anxiety so as to heighten my sensitivity to Him.

It was through overcoming seemingly petty fears – of committing to learn Tagalog, of bathing with a bucket as a shower head, of being one with the poor, that I came to realize that I lose nothing when I lay down my pride. What a tragedy it would have been to cheat myself of these experiences for the sake of self-love. These moments quickly turned into realizations that what cowardice is to selfishness, bravery is to selflessness. Overcoming the physical discomforts was to embrace the immersion completely and joyfully, and doing so counted as no loss at all.

As the days passed I began to ponder the specificity of the word “immersion”. When speaking of being immersed, that is, in water, it would be foolish to say that one has been fully immersed if one’s head is left dry. Every day of the ANCOP immersion reminded me that I needed to go all in – I needed to not be afraid of getting wet, of being fully immersed in the culture and in the discomforts. I needed to go beyond myself to converse with the people in my limited and broken Tagalog, to dance, sing, and play with the children when I was exhausted from a day of building houses, and to be grateful for whatever food or drink was given to me regardless of whose hands had made them.

Too often in my life am I afraid of going out into the water for Christ. I am afraid to surrender my will in exchange for His. At my core I am afraid of the unknown. I often hold back by rationalizing what I should and should not do, only prepared to give to Christ what is safe and what is calculated. In my mind I am ready to completely surrender, yet in actuality I’m only willing to dip my toes in His invitation to trust.

This immersion demanded me to venture into the places, experiences, and relationships that make me extremely uncomfortable. Yet it was in this vulnerability that Christ was able to teach me, humble me, and correct me. Only then was I able to recognize that this immersion was not simply about embracing the poor, but about embracing Christ himself! He is the real immersion! What a beautiful message now etched in my heart to immerse myself in Christ! That, like water, I must go all in – I must abandon fear, for what is fear but pride in disguise! He wants me wholly and completely without any reservation!

My encounters with tangible, physical fears in the Philippines were in service of directing my attention to the deeper, more substantial fears that have been occupying space in my heart – fears of the future, of my vocation, of my career, and of my discernment for full time pastoral work. Yet just as He had assured me in the face of fear during my mission trip, His message remains the same for these: “Do not be afraid, for I am with you” (Isaiah 41:10). Although there is still uncertainty with what lies ahead, I am grateful for the foretaste of God’s promises to me through this immersion. It is clear to me now that joy abounds from a heart that is fully surrendered to Him, that peace is experienced with every fearless “Yes”, and that there is no loss in immersing my life entirely in Christ!

Teach me, Jesus
Build me, Jesus
My whole life’s for You!

– Jueren Nabua, With You

Journal Excerpt

Raw reflections from the Diocesan Youth Conference of Prince George, Catching Fire:

  • A willing heart is all God requires of me
  • When you have the bare minimum to do the work of the Lord, all else is superfluous. Go without hesitation, now means now.
  • God first, self last
  • Always check your departure time…
  • God knows exactly how to make me feel uncomfortable and it is particularly in this discomfort that I am able to, with great desperation, fully rely on Him
  • Standing in the rain for nearly an hour to welcome participants can be seen as a burden or a blessing. It is always about perception. How will I choose to see?
  • “When we live in contradiction to our design, we break.” – Ken Yasinski
    • How am I living in accordance to the design God created for me?
    • When I do not know how to live with my design, that is, my circumstances in life, do I consult the Creator?
    • The one who can best restore what has been broken is the one who built it. Why do I try to fix myself when I did not create me? Go back to Jesus.
  • Sharing with words what we believe is in service of affirming the reality
    • Talking about the blessings of the CFC Family Ministries with the diocese affirmed the reality of its anointing and personal importance in my own life. This is why testimonies are so important! Being a witness is as much for others as it is for the self.
  • Do not only look for God’s grand gestures of love. He loves me in the little things, the simplicity of conversations, the purity of new friendships
  • There is joy in being a fool for God! (swing dancing is not that bad)
  • Finding myself in vulnerable states is finding myself at the hands of the Potter. Why should I be afraid if He is the one moulding me?
  • “This weekend I have been blessed by Adoration because when I was looking at Jesus all I could feel was Him looking back at me” – Marco, Prince George.
    • Wow. Open the eyes of my heart to see as this young boy saw, but moreover, to recognize that even in the times that I gaze blankly upon You in the Blessed Sacrament, You still gaze with fervent love at me.
  • “This weekend I have been blessed by witnessing all of those who stood up and committed their lives to Jesus for the first time. Keep going, don’t give up!” – Theresa, 17, Fraser Lake.
    • Wow again. Help me make the decision to commit my life to you every day, and when I fail in fulfilling this commitment, quickly remind me to get back up and try again.
  • I should learn how to play guitar…
  • Teaching LiveLoud songs to a CFC household is not about skill or expertise. It is about being used by the Lord to facilitate others into prayer, into worship of God! How profoundly humbling!
  • Prince George is a small town with a great hunger
  • There is nothing I desire more than to be used for God’s glory. Lord, use me!

 

 

Inquisitive

One of my earliest academic memories is being described by my first grade teacher as “inquisitive”. At the age of six I was made aware that I had a propensity for asking questions, a natural interest in learning things (sometimes to my detriment). And although I know this word has its negative connotations, it is one that I still find association with.

This sense of curiosity governed every facet of my life. It dictated how I came to know the world around me, and eventually, my role in the world altogether. I rarely found myself accepting things at face value. Every situation warranted a logical explanation, every concept demanded a certain validity. The skeptic in me needed to, in a sense, place my own hand in the wound in order to believe (John 20:25).

Sometimes I would search for answers simply for the sake of knowing. Reading books on this and that, solely for brief moments of satisfaction. But through the example of St. Thomas I’m reminded that my knowing means nothing if it doesn’t lead me to loving. Understanding of the mind is only half the story without the understanding of the heart.

Being a Christian would mean very little if all I knew was who Jesus was, what he did and what he said. And not to minimize the importance of knowing the person of Christ, I am certain, however, that faith requires me to go beyond knowing. It requires me to believe. It requires me to trust, even when the answers to my questions don’t seem to satisfy my feeble intellect. It is with this same posture that the once doubting Thomas made his famous profession of faith, “My Lord and my God!” (John 20:28). It is only then, that with eyes of faith he touched the wounded side of Christ and was healed of his own wounded disbelief. Christ asks me to do the same.

I used to think my curiosity was the bane of my existence, that being a thinker (and even an over thinker) was more of a curse than a blessing. I’ll admit that sometimes it would get me into trouble, but other times, when directed properly, it would lead me to something great. I know that I wouldn’t have otherwise come to know the Truth personally if it hadn’t started with a question. It is in these questions that I experience the Lord disturbing my mind, prodding at it, inviting it to not remain stagnant. He allows me to challenge my faith, to come closer to His wounded side only so that I can leave a stronger believer than I came. It is no coincidence that the stirrings of my mind move in tandem with the stirrings of my heart.

St. Thomas’ doubting is what led him to knowing, his knowing to loving, and his loving to serving. So too am I hopeful that my tendencies to question will never be futile. I am confident that the yearning I have to seek the Truth and to learn about the faith will only lead me closer to Christ. Perhaps my moments of unbelief are altogether necessary for me to realize the limits of my mind and the limitlessness of God.

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Come Holy Spirit and navigate my soul, invade my heart, and inspire my intellect. In times of unbelief and lack of trust, draw me nearer to the side of Christ. Let my doubtful hands touch the Truth and renew my profession of faith. Convert my mind and heart every day, that I may share with others Who I have come to know, Who I long to love, and Who I will never tire to serve.

St. Thomas, pray for us!

So be it

How fitting that on the Solemnity of the Annunciation I am prompted to recall the yes’s I have given to the will of God, in particular with this new path of discernment. Unlike Mary, of course, my yes was not so easily uttered.

Too many times have I deliberately ignored the Gabriels in my life, opting for messages of comfort rather than challenge. However, all of the greatest calls of God require the greatest sacrifices. In fact, any call from God, big or small, will demand less of self and more of Christ. So when I had spent what felt like years wrestling with the message of the Lord to simply open wide the door of my heart once and for all to becoming a mission volunteer, I, like Mary, was “much perplexed” (Luke 1:29). Actually, I was more petrified than anything else. There was nothing more frightening than coming face-to-face with the will of God. There was nothing more dismantling than recognizing the nothingness of myself and the everythingness of God, and if that weren’t enough, having to then acknowledge that even in my nothingness He still yearned for me. Wow. How could it be that in all of my resistance He still pursued my heart? It was precisely in these moments of prayer that I experienced my own intimate annunciations.

It became clear to me that I simply needed to stop dismissing and start discerning. I needed to stop fighting the Spirit. I needed to submit – not with a heart of defeat but with a heart of trust. After all, no one was ever left dismayed after saying yes to Christ, not Noah nor Moses, not Peter nor Mary – every yes to Christ is a yes to life and life to the full, at that.

Of course there are still moments where I am overtaken by doubt towards God’s will and power in my life, but I am comforted in knowing that if God can make fertile the barren (Luke 1:36) and bring divine life to the Virgin (Luke 1:35), He can do anything for me and through me, so long as I cooperate.  This is the most difficult part of it all. Cooperating does not only require a free and faithful yes, but a yes that says “I accept any circumstance”, “I embrace every cross”, “I lay me down”.

My fiat to the mission volunteer program, among all the other changes in my life with graduation, job search, and relationships, is but an act of giving to the Lord what rightfully belongs to Him – myself. It is a sincere yes to give this path it’s due amount of discernment before shutting the door completely (as I’ve already prematurely tried to do, to no avail).

I am not convicted, at least at the present time, of any outcome of this yes besides emerging from the program a more faithful daughter of God, ready to do whatever He wants for me. With Mary as my model, I simply want to make myself His handmaid and bring Christ into the world. My yes for the Lord to use me for His glory is captured precisely in the words of Blessed John Henry Newman:

“God has created me to do Him some definitive service; He has committed some work to me which He has not committed to another. I have my mission…He has not created me for naught.” 

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O Holy Spirit, spouse of Mary, discipline my heart to say “yes” without delay. Let my “yes” be given freely, without bitterness or resentment. Keep me from asking why but instead asking how. How, O Lord do you desire to use me today? How, O Lord can I please you today? I know that your requests for me will never be easy – it will be life changing and self-sacrificing, just as it was for the young Virgin. Whatever it may be, give me the heart to trust in the Father’s divine will and the feet to go with haste to do what I’ve been asked. O that I could bring Christ into this world as Mary did!